How does gentle parenting work in later years

[ohheytherehi]

I have a 2.5 year old. I'd say my husband and I are using quite a gentle parenting approach, with boundaries (and a few bribes). She is generally really cooperative and although she has a few moments, she responds well to the approach I think. She does hit us though, and has hit other close family members. She feels bad afterwards and usually gives the person a hug, sometimes with us asking her to, sometimes not. I think that's normal enough behaviour for a 2.5 year old?

My question is how does this all work later. I have just visited relatives who live in another country. They have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 11. The older ones especially is polite, studious, sweet with my daughter. My relative says that her and her husband "show them who is boss" so that they know they need to respect adults. And they do. They're lovely. I also have suspicions they hit their kids. I would never do this, but I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc. my relatives seem to imply that she is going to walk all over us at some point. I'm wondering if although it works now, a stricter approach is better in the future.

Whatever the parenting 'style', children need boundaries and to know what's non-negotiable eg no hitting.
I'm a teacher and having children who can't accept that no means no and who want to negotiate in the classroom is very time consuming and disruptive. There simply isn't the time or capacity to discuss 30 individual's feelings all the time and those children who've had permissive parenting can really struggle with the routines and expectations of the classroom.

@EndOfEternity I think that's a bit of an extreme opinion. Most "conventional" parenting isn't shouting at and bullying a child. I've certainly never done either.

As a secondary school teacher, a huge amount of my time is spent - wasted - trying to explain to some kids that I'm not available to negotiate. Sometimes (in a class of 30 with different but equally important needs), you just have to do as you're told. I often feel like a little bit more "because I said so, I'm the adult and I know what's best" when they were little might have helped. But obviously you don't want your kids to grow up and never question anything or get walked over. It's a tough call.

Your child hits you and other family members ! For goodness sake woman, get a grip. I tell you what will happen, your child will go to school and hit the wrong person and that child will thump them back hard. Your child needs strict boundries and needs them now. Stop faffing and start parenting.,

You can parent gently, but you need firm boundaries when their behaviour isn’t acceptable

Anyone hitting another person irrespective of age is clearly wrong and needs addressing

I’ve always been firm but fair. I’m fun and laid back most of the time but the boundaries are definitely in place.

Boundaries.
Thats it.
You can enforce boundaries Wo hitting, punishing right left and centre.

And btw those who say your morbid doesn’t work because your 2yo is hitting, i have News. 2 yo hit. Some get the message it’s nit ok more quickly than others. But hitting and biting us not the sign of parental failure.
You do need to address it every single time though and if possible pre empt it (eg if it happens when she can’t get her own way etc…)

Gentle parenting doesn't mean you don't put boundaries in place, you can do this without shouting or 'showing them who's boss' as a pp said the kids who have no boundaries and are pandered to, are generally the ones that usually have issues.

Carry on as you are. Most kids go through a hitting phase (mine was a biter), but you don't have to retaliate with the same or shout at them to get the message across that it's wrong

Funny because using a very similar approach with my dcs never lead to that sort if situation. They’re young adults now. Polite, respectful and have always been….
You can be gentle in your parenting and be strict. Your can have boundaries, teach right and wrong, which the OP is clearly doing, and still have a no punishment approach

My friend did gentle parenting with her kids and they've turned out to be challenging teenagers. Very rude, physically abusive and intimidating if they don't get wheat they want. I refuse to see her with the children because they aren't nice to be around.

As younger kids, they would bite, kick and punch others and their parents would do absolutely FA. Now the older one has been hauled up by the school for his behaviour. He also punched his grandad & my friend is now slowly starting to wake up. Unfortunately, I think it's too late to implement any boundaries now as they're very set in their ways.

I agree with this. Children need boundaries, it makes them feel secure. They push boundaries when little to test what is and isn't OK and it is our job to guide them. This can be done with kindness.

Unfortunately the world outside of childhood is not 'gentle' and kids need to learn how to cope in it. However this should be done in a gradual age appropriate way.

Boundaries are important to make a young child feel safe, in my experience this is more important than being 'in control'. As they grow up boundaries reduce as they learn to make their own choices and then take some control.

Saying no and sticking to it is important. I used to debate this with DH who was often swayed by pleading when ours were young. I had to teach him that he should make a decision yes or no from the start and stick to it and then the pleading would stop.

I have been called a mean Mum (in jest) by my kids many times and I deal with it by agreeing with them and explaining that the real world can be mean and it's my job to teach them that people won't always do what they want.

As a teenager I once had to explain to DS1 why we would let him go to parties but not stay out all night. I told him my plan was to remove boundaries in stages and to keep him safe by preventing him from being in situations around drink and drugs which he couldn't deal with. He was not happy at the time but later after thinking about it thanked me for taking the time to explain why I said no and agreed with me.

In answer to the OP I think there is a middle ground between being strict and gentle which moves with age/maturity.

With respect to the hitting you need to find an appropriate consequence which will encourage her to stop. Do you really want her to learn that to get a hug she can just hit someone first.

There is gentle parenting with no boundaries as an excuse for poor/lazy parenting and there is gentle parenting with age appropriate boundaries which is different but unfortunately I think the term is often misused.

I don't think the cuddling someone to say sorry for hurting them can always be followed either - we had an incident several years ago at a church group when a two year old was pushed off a chair by a child about six months older. The pusher then went to cuddle the upset child, who unsurprisingly didn't want a cuddle from them. Ridiculously, pushers Dad then tried to explain it to upset child's mum, who made it plain to him that she wasn't going to force her child to accept an unwanted cuddle from a bigger child who'd just hurt her.

The lesson was properly given by an older child, maybe about six, who moved her own little brother away 'in case that nasty boy hurts you '. Dad tried to explain to her about big feelings etc, she told him that she wasn't going to let his son hurt her brother!

Dad did start watching his child a bit more after that!

A 2.5 yr old doesn't need choices or negotiated with, you're the adult it's your job to make decisions. You're rearing a child to be selfish and think everything is about her, I know kids like this and they're now obnoxious teenagers who treat their parents like servants.

She does hit us though

I think a bit more context is needed here. Hit as in a limb accidentally catches you when she was trying to do something else?

Or actual aiming and hitting you?

If the latter, how do you respond? What are the consequences and how do they respond to that boundary being enforced?

Strictness of enforcement is not the opposite to gentle parenting in my book. Any boundary you set, will still need to be strictly enforced. The approach determine what technique you use to enforce rather than how strictly you impose whatever consequence there is.

I meant to say, and somehow missed it, that consequences need to be appropriate for the victim in the pushing situation I described, not just the pusher. Removing them and apologising to the other parent would have smoothed it over in no time, but no hurt child should have to accept a cuddle for the good of the child who hurt them!

Gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting!

If my DC hits me, I give her a boundary, 'Its not ok to hit mummy because it hurts. If you hit me again, I am going to get up.'

Of course she will often hit me again, because shes testing the boundary. I then tell her 'I wont let you hurt me. I am getting up now.' and I remove myself from her.

Children NEED to know they have boundaries, and that YOU are in charge, and thats what keeps them feeling secure and safe.

I agree. These two are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

As everyone has said, boundaries are really important and however much you'd like to say you're a gentle parent....Well your child is hitting you and really needs firmer boundaries and consequences. Don't treat bad behaviour as a phase that they will hopefully grow out of.

Tactics etc also tend not to take into account the differences in personalities. I have two kids. My eldest was very spirited, my youngest very relaxed (and has never really needed discipline as such). Parent according to what your child needs, not what 'style' of parent you want to be.

What do you do when she hits? Don't confuse gentle parenting with no parenting . Your 2 year old doesn't need to be permanently in control.

But most people doing it confuse those things! If someone says to me they gentle parent I think uh oh and mentally work out how much contact our kids need to have. I joined a large gentle parenting Fb group when my oldest was small, nothing on it ever worked for my child, who it turns out has adhd. I left it recently because it was just so painful to see; someone’s 7yo was playing on the tablet until 3am every night and understandably not getting up in the morning well, the mum wanted help. She couldn’t set a bedtime as that was coercive. As the mum of a 7yo I couldn’t help asking are bedtimes REALLY coercive? And multiple people including admin explained to me in detail that yes setting a bedtimes is coercive, bad for children’s development and against their parenting ethos. So I left because you can’t fix crazy but you can feel very sorry for what looks like many many children whose life will be significantly negatively impacted by shitty parenting.

Some 2yos hit, some don’t. Of course it shouldn’t be tolerated, but it is very naive to say 2yos just don’t do that.

Hitting is not normal. Neither of mine have hit an adult or another child. If your DC gets a cuddle afterwards then it's sending the wrong message.

You should also decide when you go home etc. A toddler isn't really going to be able to make that decision. I would however always give plenty of warnings - we're going home in half an hour & then a few reminders before going.

I have never really shouted or told off. We're both teachers so I guess that helps to be more assertive. However we aren't overly strict. We don't control phones or gaming time for example. Both are polite and respectful at 15 & 13.

I think children and teenagers feel safer if the adult is in charge. You don't need to shout or be really controlling. Just definite in your decisions.

We did gentle parenting- it doesn’t mean no parenting or no boundaries! I have seen the effects of the latter.

If DD was in need of discipline we had an equivalent of the (horrid) naughty step/time out which involved an adult sitting calmly until she was calm enough to listen to why some behaviour is unacceptable and how to make reparation.

She has never hit, except in self defence, and is entering the teenage years with no issues at all so far. She is polite and respectful to everyone, not just elders.

There is a difference between being well behaved and ‘respectful’ because of fear of the consequences/being hit, and being well behaved due to emotional intelligence and empathy. If we teach our children to be well behaved using a fear mechanism what happens when the fear mechanism no longer works?

Op your approach is not working.she is hitting people and you seem to be appeasing her and dressing it up as gentle parenting

If I look at the five children in my family other than mine, the two grown up ones are drug addicts with no respect for anyone or anything, can't hold down jobs and act like entitled selfish idiots. One got kicked out of school and is now working illegally in another country because he knew best.
The three younger, aged 13, 10 and 8. They have little respect for their parents, don't listen at all or do as asked, they are THE fussiest eaters I have ever met often demanding other food if they don't like what is in front of them that particular day, they have no manners or respect towards other adults at all. I have watched the parenting of them from the off, the negotiations, the "don't do that darling, oh okay then you can hit me in the face", the bartering over meal times and behaviour and consequences (of which there were none), the complete ignorance, and it is turning out exactly how I thought it would. I dread to think how they will cope as adults.

I've never punished my kids but if they misbehave, I'm very firm with them.
I believe in communicating with dc, explaining why they can't do certain things and allowing them to make decisions.
They're normal kids so will push boundaries, and I'd be concerned if they didn't.
I dealt with it firmly by saying 'no!' Followed by the explanation of what they were doing and why they mustn't.
I do have rules around most things like bedtime, screen time, homework, chores and so on but they are more guidance and agreed through explanations and negotiations and don't have to be strict.
They're a baseline to get back to if things start going off track.

We lived in France for six months of the year for fifteen years. It was hard to believe how calm, pleasant and just nice to be around most French children were.

We used to go to Child orientated events at the local chateau ( things like falconry). If the children started scream, shout, run around etc,their parents just removed them, and it didn’t look as if the rest of their afternoon was going to be full of treats, either.

The result was that children were welcome.