How does gentle parenting work in later years

[ohheytherehi]

I have a 2.5 year old. I'd say my husband and I are using quite a gentle parenting approach, with boundaries (and a few bribes). She is generally really cooperative and although she has a few moments, she responds well to the approach I think. She does hit us though, and has hit other close family members. She feels bad afterwards and usually gives the person a hug, sometimes with us asking her to, sometimes not. I think that's normal enough behaviour for a 2.5 year old?

My question is how does this all work later. I have just visited relatives who live in another country. They have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 11. The older ones especially is polite, studious, sweet with my daughter. My relative says that her and her husband "show them who is boss" so that they know they need to respect adults. And they do. They're lovely. I also have suspicions they hit their kids. I would never do this, but I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc. my relatives seem to imply that she is going to walk all over us at some point. I'm wondering if although it works now, a stricter approach is better in the future.

😂 that gave me a laugh too.
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My DD had very few tantrums (due to luck rather than parenting I think) but both DH and I remember a particular day where she had multiple massive tantrums....and it was a day where he had taken her out and they had been on the go all day.

She’s getting too many choices. Yes sometimes it’s good but she’s learning everything is a negotiation.
Firm no hitting, if she hits immediate consequence, TV goes off, toys away or whatever is appropriate. Don’t give in, no matter the tears. If you don’t then it’ll get even worse!

I've seen too many kids at playgroups cotton on to the fact that they can do whatever the hell they please once they follow up with a smirking Sorry!

Pretty much what Boris Johnson does isn't it? He thinks he can do anything as long as he says sorry.

She’s getting too many choices. Yes sometimes it’s good but she’s learning everything is a negotiation.

I agree. This will make it difficult for the teacher when she is in school. Teachers have already posted on this thread saying this.

When DD was little she got used to me saying "this is non negotiable" or "this is not optional", and she knew that I wouldn't back down.

In terms of in control, I mean I give her lots of choices on things, and that makes her cooperate really easily. Do you want to take off your pjs or should I? Do you want 2 mins of brushing teeth or 3? Do you want 2 spoons with porridge or 1? (She loves having two spoons for some reason). Etc. this is more what I mean by in control, as actually she doesn't have much control as we are two working parents so have to get stuff done
I would say my parenting aligns with gentle parenting and to be honest some of your thread doesn't sound like calmly and respectfully holding boundaries. It sounds like two adults negotiating and giving their 2 year old far more say and control than a 2 year old can handle.

"It's time to get dressed. Would you like the red top or the yellow top" is an appropriate level of choice.

Asking a 2 year old if they want to have extra play time, if they want to brush their teeth for assorted time frames is not age-appropriate level of choices.

Your friend sounds more authoritarian than authoritative, which isn't good in my opinion.

Equally it sounds like you lack clear boundaries and are far too willing to bend to whatever a toddler demands for an easy life.

I find that families who won’t say ‘no’ to their children, find their children struggle with school. They will be told ‘no’ there and have to be able to understand and accept that. Expecting that they can always have what they want isn’t realistic or helpful.

Sometimes ‘gentle’ is used for lazy. Sometimes ‘gentle’ is used for cowardly parenting and being afraid of the children and their reactions. Kind parenting is being both empathetic and empowering which involves clear boundaries and consequences…..it’s the lack of consequences which often seems to create difficulties and children who do t understand that they are not then only ones in the world, but must live in a world of many.

Children certainly need to be loved and to know it’s unconditional. That’s not the same as saying all behaviours are okay or they can choose to door not do anything they want. It’s key to set boundaries and vital to follow through with consequences. You can be proud of children when they do well and disappointed when they do poorly….none of it impacts your love for them.

The thing is, children need boundaries and instruction. Small children especially just don’t know this stuff. A parents role is to love them and help them grow up to be adults who can exist within the world. Age appropriate boundaries and responsibilities are really important.

Things I remain shocked by, are parents who ask their child to stop hitting or shouting or doing whatever it is at home or in public, but then who allow their child to ignore the instruction, with no consequences. I think that in public people often fear a bad and embarrassing reaction from the child if they try to use a consequence or say ‘no’ or tell them what to do. The reason this happens is because the child isn’t used to it happening. Consistency at home, which requires effort is what is needed, so that when things happen in public, being told ‘no’ or whatever isn’t a horrible shock to them.

The loveliest tweens and teens I’ve known….the ones who are most balanced and happy and well-adjusted, have usually not been ‘overly indulged’. They always knew and still know that what they want might not always happen….and understand why and can cope with it. They have a sense of themselves in a bigger context. They absolutely know their parents love them….but this doesn’t equate to the whole of family life or the world revolving around them.

Consequences need to be pretty immediate for such a young child. Hours later is too late for them to learn from it!

I agree with this as an ideal, but it's impossible to achieve. When we were on holiday with a play park and farm yard right outside the kids were out 24/7 and ate and slept well. But it's impossible to achieve that in our normal home life.

Yeah lots of outdoor time is great, I wholeheartedly advocate it, but children are still genuinely hungry and tired even if they aren’t eating what’s in front of them or going to bed without a fuss.

Hitting can be a normal phase that they grow out of. I think to change behaviour, it's not necessarily important to have a negative consequence (punishment) but it does work because it has three main components

Interrupt the behaviour
Prevent further behaviour (by distance or supervision)
Clear disapproval/explanation that it's unacceptable from trusted adult

I think you can also reduce or stop behaviours by including all three of those aspects without necessarily adding a punishment. Especially if you look at the root cause, are they excited and trying to play (redirect), are they frustrated, (give them an out, give them an alternative way to express frustration), are they lacking problem solving skills (work on these) are they tired (get more onto their nap schedule).

However honestly sometimes time out is the quick and easy shortcut and I did start using it when DS2 was repeatedly hitting DS3 and no amount of explanations or supervision was helping. It stopped it in about 2 days. I do keep it as a back up option for really persistent behaviours that are having a negative knock on effect.

If she's only hitting you and not other people then the Janet Lansbury approach of blocking hands and saying "I won't let you hit me. I don't want to be hit." can work well.