DD really hates washing her hair - desperate for ideas

[Mummynew08]

DD is 2y8m and she really, really, really hates washing her hair.

She is neutral/happy about going in the bath but she always says "we aren't washing my hair today [are we]?!" before getting in, and isn't happy in the bath unless we tie up her hair (which indicates we aren't about to wash it). When we wash it, she screams in discomfort as if we are torturing her.

We have tried EVERYTHING (well obvs not literally otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for more ideas!). Warmer water, colder water. Shower vs bath. Shower in the bath. Using a cup to pour water over. At her suggestion, using a wet flannel on her hair instead of cup or shower: we tried that a few times and she still hated it and it took way longer so the torture lasted longer.

DH reckons we shouldn't do it when she's getting upset as she'll just associate it with being upset - sounds reasonable except that means we keep putting it off. We dropped to once a week then once every two weeks. (We take care to tie it back when she's eating or doing messy play so it stays fairly clean but tbh after two weeks it really needs a wash).

We've tried talking to her about it when nowhere near the bath or bathtime. "Dd why don't you like washing your hair, what can we do to make it nicer for you". She sobbed as soon as we brought it up. We calmed her down and she suggested we put loud audiobooks/peppa music on so she can't hear the water, and give her treats. She said shower (not bath) so it's quicker.

Today, we hadn't done it for nearly three weeks. We put on her fave audiobook on loud. I arranged a plate of sweet treats and put it on display ready. We got her undressed and she's already begging not to do it and sobbing. I hugged her, got the shower the right temp, stepped her under the jet and washed it as quick as I could like 10 seconds. She was literally trembling in distress and sobbing like she was in pain and I felt like I was torturing her. Then I quickly passed her out to DH to get dry before drying myself and then drying her hair together.

How can we make this better?! Please wise mums help us.

Sorry for the essay (I'm a bit emotional) - TLDR: my toddler really hates hair washing, wtf do we do...!

This helped us. Mine didn’t like the water near their faces

Hair cut time I think, nice and short so it doesn’t tangle …

Could you do it with her fully clothed and leaning over the sink? That was how my hair was washed when I was a young child and it might make her feel less vulnerable for a while. If she hates it and gets stressed and anxious, having to also get undressed and dressed again afterwards might be adding to the trauma?

My DD was similar. Also hated hair being brushed.
Now has very short hair and is much happier. (Also not a toddler! But I think this would have made our lives much easier if it had been shorter)

Probably won't be a hit with everyone I had this with my two sons I'm praying my daughter isn't like this too

I showed them nits and headlice infestations and said treating nits much worse. I showed them pics with actual blood on childrens heads, I did the same with rotten and sore teeth too.

I tried everything
I used a sponge with medium levels of success

I literally caved and said baby mummy didn't want to frighten you but you know nits go to dirty hair (I know this isn't true) and then I explained so so itchy and sore

I also use a warm water and diluted baby soap in a spray bottle and spray them whilst they play in the bath

Maybe teach her to spa as well and lay in the bath? Pamper kind of set up

You have my sympathy xx

If she hates the sound have you tried some wax ear plugs while washing.

Hope you sort this it sounds awful for you all.

I think maybe (possibly a bit counter intuitive) you might need to wash her hair more often. At the minute it’s a huge event that’s followed by a buildup of anxiety and a big fuss over the whole thing with both of you dancing round it. I’d maybe just say ‘ok let’s practice washing your hair - the more we do it the better we will get at it!’ Then just do it quite briskly (while of course being careful/considerate of her eyes) and cheerfully. The same way you would if she hated having her teeth brushed - you wouldn’t let her skip it for weeks on end because she says she dislikes it.

Exactly this!

Like it might be that all the drama and asking her what you should do then following her instructions of audiobooks and treats on display etc is actually making it worse - it’s being built up into a tortuous event to endure when in fact it’s just a hygiene practice that might feel a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Sounds tough but I wouldn't pander to this at all! Just do it more so she gets used to it, maybe go choose a nice shampoo together . It's basic hygiene so no nonsense of sweets ect just do it my 5 year old doesn't like her hair washed but we just do it first at the beginning of the bath so it's over and done with.

Thank you so much all, didn't expect so many replies so quickly, I'm really grateful!

@Aylestone never seen these thingies before, I will get one and see if that helps!

@Kanaloa I hear what you're saying amd it definitely sounds reasonable but please believe me that I've tried the "doing it briskly and more often" tack. That was my preferred method. The sense of torture was immense and it felt like I was repeatedly violating her consent. DH saw it that way and said we shouldn't keep doing it while she got so upset and saying no. When we gave her options, she at least calmed down quicker afterwards maybe because she felt more in control. She's fine with teeth brushing, going to the toilet/potty, wiping her face.

@anonymouschef I hear you, thank you so much for your solidarity. I haven't warned her about nits but I've done something slightly similar: I told her if we let her hair get more and more dirty, "people might think we weren't sensible parents and might come to our house to check we are looking after her properly". I also said she might get ill because of it (tbh she has occasionally got conjunctivitis which I wondered was related to her dirty hair sometimes brushing her eyes).

It’s not pandering to listen to your child and try to make it easier for them when they find something this distressing.

This.
Just crack on and keep washing it.
Daily quick wash is far better than all the build up into a major event

Please believe I'm not usually a pandering-type mum. We're totally firm and matter of fact about tooth brushing and getting dressed and "time to go to nursery now" and all the rest of it. I can tell when she's putting on an act to get what she wants, but this is something else, literally shaking and trembling

@Mummynew08
Keep explaining that to her

Show her nits and tell her that she will catch them and try to turn into a game of making sure no nits like it here and here and here and here and scrub here

Offer to buy something for her online let her choose put in basket and then pay when she's done

Also I tell the children I cry if they don't look after themselves because they are the most precious things on the planet xxx

My toddlers hate water in their eyes, so I use this. They need fairly large heads for it to work. But it works well. I also have a small facecloth which they can hold over their eyes. And I try to do it quickly!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clippasafe-CL201-Shampoo-Shield/dp/B000G1TDNI/ref=ascdff_B000G1TDNI/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310754896709&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11152974034145253276&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007850&hvtargid=pla-421416264629&psc=1

Listening to your child isn't pandering

I have had the same experience and I'm tough as nails but my boys wouldn't wash their hair they also dodged the soap in general and teeth

Same with my son with a milk allergy he knows now he can end up with needles and blood tests if he has too much milk

Other son knows he will have to be sedated again if he needs fillings etc

It's ok to tell your children about consequences and it's great to listen to them and validate them

Have you tried telling her you know it's horrible and you used to hate it too? Try relating to her see if it helps it always helps me with my children

You're not a pander parent. Just to reinforce

Goggles? They helped my youngest as they kept the water out of her eyes

Mine improved once we started going swimming every week. Seemed to just get a lot easier when water on her face / wet hair was a normal thing.

I'd stop washing it. There's no need. Just let her bath/shower as and when and leave her hair alone. It doesn't need to be washed.

Oh, love, this has pushed me over the edge and I've got emotional again - thanks... I'm at a loss honestly.

I might go back to "doing it briskly and more often" as suggested but tbh I wonder if PP who suggest this don't really have an idea of how bad it is. Its not like her mild whinging about brushing her teeth - just "aww I don't want to" - the hair washing is a completely different level of horrific.

Do you go swimming? Take her once a week and do it in the shower afterwards. Might help her not to mind getting her hair/head wet too (if your pool requires swimming caps, get her a lycra one that will let her hair get wet in the pool).

TBH I wouldn't get too caught up in trying to reason with her or worrying about "violating her consent" - she is only 2 and there are times with toddlers when you just have to get on with things and tune out the screaming. Presumably if she refused to have suncream put on your still do it.

I mean, listening to your child isn’t pandering. But not washing their hair for three weeks (for me) would fall into the pandering category. And would in my opinion only reinforce the idea that hair washing is terrifying and bad.

This is my DH's solution lol... my semi-threat to DD about social workers is a genuine fear of mine tho...! I mean if I literally don't do it for months

She really hates getting her head/hair wet while swimming. She will only go swimming if we hold her like a baby or if it's a shallow kids pool.

If a passing kid accidentally splashes her hair in the pool, she asks to get out