DD really hates washing her hair - desperate for ideas

[Mummynew08]

DD is 2y8m and she really, really, really hates washing her hair.

She is neutral/happy about going in the bath but she always says "we aren't washing my hair today [are we]?!" before getting in, and isn't happy in the bath unless we tie up her hair (which indicates we aren't about to wash it). When we wash it, she screams in discomfort as if we are torturing her.

We have tried EVERYTHING (well obvs not literally otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for more ideas!). Warmer water, colder water. Shower vs bath. Shower in the bath. Using a cup to pour water over. At her suggestion, using a wet flannel on her hair instead of cup or shower: we tried that a few times and she still hated it and it took way longer so the torture lasted longer.

DH reckons we shouldn't do it when she's getting upset as she'll just associate it with being upset - sounds reasonable except that means we keep putting it off. We dropped to once a week then once every two weeks. (We take care to tie it back when she's eating or doing messy play so it stays fairly clean but tbh after two weeks it really needs a wash).

We've tried talking to her about it when nowhere near the bath or bathtime. "Dd why don't you like washing your hair, what can we do to make it nicer for you". She sobbed as soon as we brought it up. We calmed her down and she suggested we put loud audiobooks/peppa music on so she can't hear the water, and give her treats. She said shower (not bath) so it's quicker.

Today, we hadn't done it for nearly three weeks. We put on her fave audiobook on loud. I arranged a plate of sweet treats and put it on display ready. We got her undressed and she's already begging not to do it and sobbing. I hugged her, got the shower the right temp, stepped her under the jet and washed it as quick as I could like 10 seconds. She was literally trembling in distress and sobbing like she was in pain and I felt like I was torturing her. Then I quickly passed her out to DH to get dry before drying myself and then drying her hair together.

How can we make this better?! Please wise mums help us.

Sorry for the essay (I'm a bit emotional) - TLDR: my toddler really hates hair washing, wtf do we do...!

@cannaecookrisotto ahhh I tried to make you a demo neat link but it turned it into a real one

Thank you very much for these ideas- they sound really fun and looking forward to trying them

I really empathise OP, it's so hard when our wee ones get so distressed over something that needs done.
Different context but my son hated the shower. Screaming, cowering, fighting to get out etc... so we just done baths (although they take much longer which isn't always convenient). But when we went on holiday for 2 weeks there was only a shower. The first night you'd honestly have thought we were torturing him with the screaming etc... by about the 5th night he'd simmered to a bit of a whimper and by the last night he was mostly ok.
When we returned home he started again with the screaming but we took it easy - shower on a low pressure and just putting it over his toes. And we've gradually built it up to where he's fine.
So the gradual build up worked for us. But every kid is different. Fingers crossed you can find something that works!

Yes indeed it may be a sign of something. I have some close family members with severe neurodivergence (dunno if I've used the PC phrase right but hey ho) and I know with those family members, when they get sensory overwhelm there's not much you can do except avoid that trigger, and so they live with routines to avoid them. I'm really hoping my DD hasn't inherited those difficulties from my side of the family. Hair washing is the only difficulty she has (so far), no other signs of autism or learning difficulties etc.

What about just having a few inches of water in the bath so she can lie down flat on her back and you can swoosh the hair in the water. If you’re careful you can not splash her face.

Thank you for your sympathy (and all other pps). I'll definitely try this and other strategies from this thread

My daughter was similar as a toddler. I persevered and didn’t pander. Being clean is a necessity.

She’s 7 now and has been unbothered by the hair washing process for years now.

Please don't tell children that nits like dirty hair.

I think I would try washing her hair more often - so its less of an event. Id also not present it as an option but a thing thats going to happen regardless.
I would ditch treats like sweets etc and instead have a reward chart with "I was brave stickers" - meaning that eg 10 I was brave stickers would result in a small reward.

Good luck op - remember that this is fairly common for this age group.

Ds2 was like this. What I found worked best was giving him a countdown to when it was done.

So I'd get him to hold a flannel over his eyes and look upwards. Then I'd use a jug to pour water on his hair while counting down from 10, you can vary the speed of counting if needed and stop and restart too. He still dislikes having his hair washed (he's 5) but is much better about it.

Have you tried just washing with water? Literally just a splash at the end of the bath and no soap?

My DC is a similar age and we rarely wash with shampoo due to sensitive eczema prone skin.

I think I'd be inclined to agree that it's been built up to a big event and she is picking up on the anxiety you and DH hold about causing her distress. I totally respect your approach re consent, I always liked to give my kids the chance to consent to personal care but at the end of day they are young children so don't have the capacity to make decisions as they don't understand the repercussions. For example my nephew went through a stage of fighting during every nappy change. He was 3 and strong and it was torture. I said "OK it's time to change your nappy now it's dirty, would you like to lie down or would you like to stand by the toilet?" So he is given choice and control but the fact his nappy is getting changed is a complete non negotiable
Agree with this.
There comes a point where the children look to us as adults to take their cues, like when they trip over often before responding they look to see how the caregiver reacts to help them assess their own reaction.
If the adults are flapping and fussing and putting it off for ages and showing signs that hair washing is an awful thing, that's what the child will pick up on.

Children don't have the same cognitive capacity as adults, which is why we have to make responsible decisions for them.

When mine didn't like their hair washing, I used two damp flannels: one with a small amount of shampoo, the other clean water. Mine also wouldn't like their hair rinsed by the shower or a jug, but found it funny when it was a play kettle/teapot. They grew out of it.

Going through this at the moment with 18 month old DD. Loves being in the bath, we go swimming weekly and she loves that but anytime water goes near her face or hair, she kicks off. I've started washing it at the start of the bath so at least she has some time to calm down and play for a bit once it's over.
We've started trying the mirror so she can see what we were doing but she wasn't interested during her last bath. We also put one of her dollies in a washing up bowl and practiced giving the baby a bath and then bringing that dolly into the bath with us when it was her turn.
Nothing's worked yet but she's at the stage of food and paint and mud all in her hair so it needs a wash come bath day.
It's awful seeing her get so upset and desperately trying to get out of the bath just to get away from getting her hair washed.

I'm not a fan of long hair on preschoolers so would cut her hair and would only wash it weekly. However, I can remember not liking getting water in my eyes still and am over 60 so think that the shield thingy or goggles should help reassure her.

Maybe a spray bottle (like the hairdressers use) so she can help you spray it damp herself and get used to it? Might be less intense on her scalp for her.

My neighbour's son was like this and did gradually grow out of it between age 3 and 5.

This has been a big hit with my daughter (gift from aforementioned neighbour):

amzn.eu/d/7n4g1zu

At least it might defuse the stress a bit and if you have her hair bobbed you can probably get away either an extremely quick scalp wash.

It is likely true though. The biggest reward for any child that age is attention. You and your husband are driving yourself up the wall here. It’s not traumatising her. She has to get her hair washed and sorry after two or three weeks it must be absolutely filthy. Put the goggles on her, use a little jug to pour the water on her hair and calmly keep telling her she is a big girl and not a baby and she has to get used to washing her hair. You are doing her no favours with your approach and it’s just not working. The child is not in control you are.

Slather shampoo on then take her swimming, it’s what my mum used to do with me, but don’t tell her it’s shampoo say it’s swimming gel or something. The other cruel option is to say unless she washing her hair she’ll need it cutting short like a boy.

No fucking way is it likely to be true. A neighbours one off interaction with a child sorts out a long term issue...Total bullshit

Have you ever had a toddler?! I'm not a MN clean freak but... pretty sure they do need the yogurt, paint, grime washing out periodically.

I'm another meanie - she doesn't love it but it has to be done. I just sing to her and give her a big cuddle when it's done. Same as brushing teeth really, she hates it but it's my job to keep her safe and that's part of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

She's getting better now and has started keeping her head tipped back.

Could be a sensory issue common in autistic children. One thing I learned is that with the sensory issues autistic people have the sensations register in the same place as pain in the brain. So, it doesn’t feel like pain but it triggers the same fear, flight, fight responses. That’s one thing I didn’t know. I thought it was feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, but the feelings are actually this is horrible and I need to get away and avoid it…the same reaction you’d have to pain.

My friend has an autistic 7yr old and they’ve cut her hair very short…boy short and they use baby wipes to clean her hair instead on water to wash it. They have to have a hair dresser come to their home and she needs an iPad to focus on or even the act of getting her hair cut is distressing. But she’s had the same hairdresser a few years now and is more relaxed and no longer afraid of it.

What about dry shampoo? Not the best but it would freshen it a little bit.

Oh ffs do get over yourself -it was
a 23 years ago
b pre planned
c normal for bathing each it gets kids together when they were mucky

I feel your pain OP! I have an autistic 12yo DD and hairwashing has always been awful.

I must say that I agree with those who think you should keep on with it regularly rather than let it go 2/3 weeks, it'll just be a bigger deal each time.

We've had success in the past with her wearing swimming goggles. Currently our strategy is that she leans back in the bath with a dry flannel over her face and I do as much as I can with a jug. I use a wet flannel to get around the hairline.

But there's been some good ideas on here about making bathtime fun again and letting her get used to getting wet on her face and head a bit without the pressure of it being an actual hairwash. When the weather's a bit warmer perhaps you could use water pistols outside too?

The well rounded 26 year old she is now has absolutely no problems or special needs and has grown out of her phase to be an adult I’m friends with still-both she and my dd speak fondly of the sleepovers and shenanigans they used to have together …but then my word won’t be good enough for you will it?