DD really hates washing her hair - desperate for ideas

[Mummynew08]

DD is 2y8m and she really, really, really hates washing her hair.

She is neutral/happy about going in the bath but she always says "we aren't washing my hair today [are we]?!" before getting in, and isn't happy in the bath unless we tie up her hair (which indicates we aren't about to wash it). When we wash it, she screams in discomfort as if we are torturing her.

We have tried EVERYTHING (well obvs not literally otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for more ideas!). Warmer water, colder water. Shower vs bath. Shower in the bath. Using a cup to pour water over. At her suggestion, using a wet flannel on her hair instead of cup or shower: we tried that a few times and she still hated it and it took way longer so the torture lasted longer.

DH reckons we shouldn't do it when she's getting upset as she'll just associate it with being upset - sounds reasonable except that means we keep putting it off. We dropped to once a week then once every two weeks. (We take care to tie it back when she's eating or doing messy play so it stays fairly clean but tbh after two weeks it really needs a wash).

We've tried talking to her about it when nowhere near the bath or bathtime. "Dd why don't you like washing your hair, what can we do to make it nicer for you". She sobbed as soon as we brought it up. We calmed her down and she suggested we put loud audiobooks/peppa music on so she can't hear the water, and give her treats. She said shower (not bath) so it's quicker.

Today, we hadn't done it for nearly three weeks. We put on her fave audiobook on loud. I arranged a plate of sweet treats and put it on display ready. We got her undressed and she's already begging not to do it and sobbing. I hugged her, got the shower the right temp, stepped her under the jet and washed it as quick as I could like 10 seconds. She was literally trembling in distress and sobbing like she was in pain and I felt like I was torturing her. Then I quickly passed her out to DH to get dry before drying myself and then drying her hair together.

How can we make this better?! Please wise mums help us.

Sorry for the essay (I'm a bit emotional) - TLDR: my toddler really hates hair washing, wtf do we do...!

If it smells like 💩 then....

Same until mine was 4. In the end, we used a face guard thing (as others have posted) and then a warm towel which she would hold over her face. We used a jug so we could have more control and we did the thing hairdressers do- when they pour the water on and then use their hand to push it away from the face.

However, the game changer was the rule was she had to have her hair washed but if she said stop, we would stop for a few seconds while she had a breather/checked the towel etc.

Sometimes it took 10 minutes but we got quicker and the amount of time she said stop decreased.

Ok👍🏻

If you decide to try the goggle route then these ones are good because they have a buckle thing in the back so it's easy to get them on with the band under her hair so you can wash it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Joecy-Wide-Vision-Children-Polarized-Protection/dp/B07RMJ5X1R?pdrddw=mazoR&content-id=amzn1.sym.49f43634-5e6a-4d32-8444-79c6a920eacf&pfrddp=49f43634-5e6a-4d32-8444-79c6a920eacf&pfrddr=72ZEKS7JMJJT4D63V70F&pdrddwg=zz3XR&pdrddr=d6aa0b65-e44f-40fb-af12-6f7811841a5e&pdrddi=B07RMJ5X1R&psc=1&ref=pddbapmmgriddvvrp006_i

Just get her one of those hair wash thingies - my children all had them - can't believe you have not seen them before!

My son really hates his hair being washed (and cut) and will get very very upset.

We did buy him a dolly with hair so he could wash dolly's hair as a bath time activity to see if that helped. If it did it's negligible but might be worth a try? I've also got in the bath too and got him to wash my hair rather than it always being the other way round.

When we did his last week I'm afraid I bribed him with a toy he wanted. Not great as it no doubt will cause issues next time but he didn't cry as long or as hard this time.

You are not alone! Virtual hug from a fellow mom of a hair washing hating child x

Don't wash her hair- not worth the drama. We only wash DC (age 4) hair with shampoo a few times a year when it is exceptionally sticky. He showers regularly and it gets thoroughly rinsed with water. It's shiny and smells fresh. Always done this, never had a problem with dirty hair.

We've recently started to use a detangler spray to get out the tangles afterwards as his hair is now long.

Total bullshit is dancing round a 2.5 year old working yourselves up to tears over washing her hair. Her hair needs to be washed fgs

iPad, towel around neck, bowl of warm soapy water, bowl of clean warm water.

Let her play around on the tablet, sat at the table or on the side in the kitchen, use small amounts to massage her scalp and end of the hair, dip a brush into the clean water and brush through.

Minimum whooshing of water, if any, and build up from there.

Another vote for not washing at all, hair doesn't need washing.

If you do have to wash it then comb shampoo through the dry hair (use a vent brush) then it just needs to be rinsed off.

Try different shampoos, maybe a shampoo bar.

When I was about 5 I was playing with the little boy next door, our mothers were having coffee. He seemed similar to your DD with hair washing, it took two parents, one to hold him down, the other to wash.

But when I suggested washing his hair he agreed, but we couldn't reach the sink so we did what was logical to us and he put his head in to the toilet while I flushed.

I'm not recommending the toilet but maybe someone else, someone new, could have a go.

I don't have a bath only a shower my dd hates the shower so I sympathise a lot! When she was smaller I could 'bath' her in the shower tray so the shallow 'mermaid' hair swishing / head massage was what I was going to suggest. Again doing it right away then making the rest of the bath fun worked for us. Hug op sounds hard work x

We used a shampoo shield for DD, never had an issue getting her hair washed as the water was well away from her face.

My son (ASD) hates having his hair washed and screams blue murder. I bought a little watering can for the bath and I fill it up and it “rains” down on him while I sing “rain, rain, go away”. Sometimes it rains on his head! ☔️ I try to get a bit of shampoo on his head without him noticing.

If she likes swimming 🏊‍♀️ could she “swim” in the bath? Wear goggles and look underwater so her hair gets wet? 🛁

Most effective thing for us with things like this has been getting her to wash my hair (or brush my teeth, or whatever it is that's causing the fear at the time). Let her play "mummy and baby" (or hairdressers) with you in the bath.

Sometimes silliness and role reversal and giggles really breaks the cycle.

Oh, and I forgot to say, mine was terrified of the bath full stop for a few weeks at that stage

Argh, phone posted too soon. Absolutely trembling in fear, hysterical, just as you say. Even tried to hit me she was so hysterically scared, which was very out of character. We did mostly flannel baths and tried again periodically, and it did stop - not a sign of lasting sensory issues.

What cured it was "forgetting" to take her socks off to go in the bath. Wearing socks in the bath was so hilarious to her that she wasn't scared at all after that. It just turned off like a switch. Toddlers are weird!

But generally, letting her wash us / undress us / brush our teeth / brush our hair (and being a bit silly about it) has been the best trick.

So I'd suggest doing something very silly, including reversing roles, to see if that works.

Flannel over eyes and face, small jug or watering can (toy one). Don’t wash with shampoo until okay with water.

Shallow water and lie down in bath.

My youngest is now 3 and a half, she still hates a hair wash and you'd think she was being tortured the amount of noise she makes!
I got a toy watering can and we pretend she is a flower and the last few hair washes have been a little better. I also bought a pink shampoo that smells of raspberries and another one that's apple and let her choose which one we're using.
I think the excitement of using big people shampoo distracts her so she lets me wash it now.

Oh bless her. I think it’s so cute that she’s trying to think up solutions for herself, and she obviously is really scared if washing her hair panics her to the point she’s shaking. Could she lie back in the bath to wet her hair and rinse it so that she doesn’t have to put up with the sound of running water on her head?

Ignore the smug posters who have no idea about sensory issues, OP. I have an autistic dd (11) and I’ve had to learn to ignore a lot of bullshitting about how I’m pandering to her. It can be really distressing and traumatising for children to be physically forced to do things that are painful / intolerable for them.

Definitely don’t tell her nits like dirty hair! That’s how children start to bully each other about headlice etc. And just isn’t true. I’m not a fan of lying to kids to manipulate them into doing what we want.

Having said that, hygiene is non negotiable. My dd still hates hair wash. She is old enough to reason with a bit more. But still can’t be reasoned with when in meltdown (this is neurological, not behavioural, despite what some here will tell you).

We compromise. I don’t insist, she sometimes allows it. She still needs me to wash her hair. She won’t tolerate dry shampoo either.

lots of people only use water to wash small children’s hair which whilst still difficult, might be quicker for you?

Dd has a towel over her face while I wash her hair. She still screams. But does allow it. And I go longer between washes than I’d consider ideal. We plait it back when dirty.

It’s all a balance between making sure she is clean and preserving her mental health. You’re not being dramatic.

Dd also hates the shower full stop. And brushing hair. And changing clothes. It’s hard work at times. But if your dd is autistic please know that she will be ok. I’m autistic and have a good life. I wouldn’t choose not to be or for my children not to be, but it took a long time to get to that point.

Sorry if someone has already said this, I haven't RTFT.

There's an inspired bit in the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen".
I recommend the audiobook. The author had the same problem with her son. I can't remember verbatim but the gist of their conversation went like this:

(Conversation happened at a neutral point in the day. Not just before or after the bath, maybe at breakfast time)

Mum: wow, you really hate getting your hair washed don't you?

Son: yeah I hate it

Mum: you really don't like it, it makes you sad and angry

Son: yeh the water blurs my eyes and you don't listen to me

Mum: oh so you don't like it when the water goes in your eyes and blurs your eyes. The problem is, we need to wash your hair. I don't want you walking about with jam and sand in your hair! This is a problem. We need to think of ideas to fix it.

Son: ...

Mum: let's write a list of ideas (gets pen and paper). Idea number one- you could stand out in the garden when it rains and the rain will wash off all the dirt. (She writes the idea on the paper with a little stick figure drawing of someone under a rain cloud)

Son: I could be a fish. Fish like the water.

(Mum writes on the paper "be a fish" with a drawing of a fish)

Mum: we could wash your hair really fast and get it over with quickly. (The son doesn't like this idea)

Son: I can wash my hair in the swimming pool because I like my face in the water at the swimming pool.

Mum: why do you like your face in the water at the swimming pool but not in the bath?

Son: because I wear goggles at the swimming pool! (Said like it's the most obvious thing in the world)

So from then on he wore his goggles in the bath and got his hair washed.

One of the main points of the book is this problem solving approach. The idea is you communicate to your child that you understand their feelings but that it poses a problem because the thing has to be done, and you can solve the problem together.

1. Acknowledge their feelings and let them vent
2. Explain why the thing has to happen and say "the problem is..."
3. Draw up a list of ideas together taking it in turns to think of ideas. You have to write down their ideas even if they are daft
4. Eventually you get to the crux of the matter and discover a compromise or solution.

The book explains it way better though so I highly recommend you read that

I think it's important to wash her hair regularly so that she gets used to it, maybe every three days? Use goggles and face shield if needed. Do it briskly with both parents there. Bribe her and give her a treat afterwards. My daughter was the same and now she's eight, she's absolutely fine and loves washing her hair now. I think most small kids are the same. I don't think the answer is to not wash her hair though! How would she get used to it then? Yes, it's unpleasant for her and you, but she'll get used to it eventually. Make sure she's doing swimming too, so that she gets used to the feeling of water on her face.

"How to listen" is a good book but there is absolutely no way you could have a dialogue like that with most sub 3 year olds! Especially if the water/washing process is sending them into some kind of sensory overload/panic.

Best to focus on cutting down the sensory overload/panic...

At 2 years 8 months the OP's child is saying "we aren't washing my hair today, are we?"

Might be worth a go.