DD really hates washing her hair - desperate for ideas

[Mummynew08]

DD is 2y8m and she really, really, really hates washing her hair.

She is neutral/happy about going in the bath but she always says "we aren't washing my hair today [are we]?!" before getting in, and isn't happy in the bath unless we tie up her hair (which indicates we aren't about to wash it). When we wash it, she screams in discomfort as if we are torturing her.

We have tried EVERYTHING (well obvs not literally otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for more ideas!). Warmer water, colder water. Shower vs bath. Shower in the bath. Using a cup to pour water over. At her suggestion, using a wet flannel on her hair instead of cup or shower: we tried that a few times and she still hated it and it took way longer so the torture lasted longer.

DH reckons we shouldn't do it when she's getting upset as she'll just associate it with being upset - sounds reasonable except that means we keep putting it off. We dropped to once a week then once every two weeks. (We take care to tie it back when she's eating or doing messy play so it stays fairly clean but tbh after two weeks it really needs a wash).

We've tried talking to her about it when nowhere near the bath or bathtime. "Dd why don't you like washing your hair, what can we do to make it nicer for you". She sobbed as soon as we brought it up. We calmed her down and she suggested we put loud audiobooks/peppa music on so she can't hear the water, and give her treats. She said shower (not bath) so it's quicker.

Today, we hadn't done it for nearly three weeks. We put on her fave audiobook on loud. I arranged a plate of sweet treats and put it on display ready. We got her undressed and she's already begging not to do it and sobbing. I hugged her, got the shower the right temp, stepped her under the jet and washed it as quick as I could like 10 seconds. She was literally trembling in distress and sobbing like she was in pain and I felt like I was torturing her. Then I quickly passed her out to DH to get dry before drying myself and then drying her hair together.

How can we make this better?! Please wise mums help us.

Sorry for the essay (I'm a bit emotional) - TLDR: my toddler really hates hair washing, wtf do we do...!

The obvious answer is to get it cut short. Take the trauma of hair away.

Can you run a shallow bath and get her to lie on her back, so you don't have to pour water over her head? Keep it shallow enough her ears stay dry, in case she doesn't like that bit!

The stretchy and soft Clippasafe linked by a pp is the best option, made to last and inexpensive, with a flannel to hand for any drops reaching eyes. It is also suitable for older children and adults with disabilities.

Please don't tell her about she needs to wash her hair to prevent nits. It's not true that you only get nits in dirty hair. What if she does get nits after you convince her to have her hair washed on this basis?

Try this?

It's a no rinse leave in shampoo for kids.

We've tried the face cloth over her eyes, but I think it isn't the water in her eyes that she hates... cos when I'm extremely careful and only wetting the back of her head with a flannel, she still gets extremely distressed. I think it's literally a wet scalp that she hates. She tried to explain it's the sound of having a wet head (?) I'm at a loss!

But I will try some of these ideas, thank you all so much.

I'll try being more matter of fact and doing it more often (although we used to do this)
I'll try the visor thingy
I'll try leaning her over a sink with her clothes on (thanks PP sorry I can't scroll to tag while typing)
I'll try slightly scarier threats of consequences - I think this might work as it's worked with teeth (threat of teeth falling out)

If it helps I HATED it as a child
The only way I would have it done is with my head tipped forward over the bath and I would hold a flannel over my eyes

I don't have DC so this might be useless but
Get her to help wash your hair
Goggles?
Find a cheap hair salon and get her to watch you having yours done, maybe sit on your lap, lots of enthusiasm about how nice it is then have hers done
Give her a head massage with no water, just a bit of leave in conditioner
Use a co wash, brand called as I am do a good one, it needs less rinsing and conditions too

I didn't wash my child's hair for 6 months. It had never been so clean, shiny and soft. Do you need to wash it?

Yes I really want to do it this way but so far DD has refused to even try this (I don't want to hold her down) but I might try again!

I don't think you should tell her nits are bad and go on dirty hair , what if she gets nits one day ?
Also talking to a 2 year old about social workers??

Did you grow out of it? (Sprry if this is a stupid question I'm just desperate for reassurance!)

I have an aunt who hates water and won't take baths, only brief showers. But (I was told) she is like this because of a near drowning experience as a child. She's never grown out of it, still hates water

Sensory issues like this are so exhausting and hard to deal with, I know. My autistic 7yo son has been refusing to get his hair cut since Feb half term and the crying, refusals and drama is really getting me down.

But enough about me. I’ve learned over the years that the harder you try to make things tolerable for them (the audiobooks, the sweets, pleading, negotiation) actually makes no difference at all. If anything it makes the situation more heightened and the pressure to go through with it even greater.

So I agree that you need to change tack because everything you’ve put in place (with the best intentions, not pandering) isn’t working.

I also agree with whoever suggested that leaving it every 2-3 weeks also makes hair wash days even more traumatic. Quick, regular hair washes will hopefully be a kind of exposure therapy. Also try to desensitise yourself to the screaming a bit. It’s going to happen. She will be safe throughout and you’ll work as fast as you can. She won’t be damaged for life.

Don't do this. Likelihood is at some point she'll get nits. Why set her up to think it's her fault for being dirty or that she's going to end up sore and bleeding.

Lots of kids go through a stage of not liking water on their face and in their ears.

Things we tried

• goggles
• the shield/cap things like above that stop water dripping down
• a dry flannel/ hand towel to hold over eyes while being rinsed
• bribery

Ultimately I think she just aged out of it and became more tolerant of the process. It helped when we could get her to like laying down in the bath and swishing her hair about like a mermaid.

Read my comments. I did not use the phrase social workers to her. I explained it in a mild way.

Ffs please I'm desperate for helpful tips not BS judgy comments deliberately misunderstanding what I say - if I wanted that I'd be on aibu

@Mummynew08 I grew out of it it was the water near my eyes for me and it weirdly felt like I was drowning
I still won't wash my hair in the shower, I have to keep my body dry but I have curly hair so it's easier to do over the bath/sink

Mine went through a phase of this. Things that helped - using the shower. Asking her to apply shampoo. Time.

Thank you so much...I will try the mermaid thing. Reassuring that you mums have been thru the same and they grew out of it

Time! Yes...this too shall pass...

Thank you wise mums, I'm starting to feel better especially now I've got more things I can try

Sympathies OP. We each choose how we parent - there are very few absolute rights and wrongs - so please don't be swayed by posters telling you to be tougher if it that's not what feels right for you and your family.

One thing that helped me with my DD was giving her as much control as possible. In practice this meant letting her hold the hand shower to direct at her head herself, letting her pour the jug of water to rinse etc. It made a difference for us.

Best of luck. It's only dirty hair. This too will pass.

My neurodivergent 3YO has always been like this. Whether her hair was short or long wouldn’t make any difference as it’s the sensory experience she hates. Have you put yourself in your daughters shoes and have someone wash your hair with a jug? I have short hair and it felt like I was being waterboarded.

With my LO I’ve discussed how much I respect her and hate seeing her upset however we have to wash her hair for hygiene purposes. We’ve talked about how most people have their hair washed multiple times a week but because of her needs and no one wants her to feel distressed we do it as little as possible and will stick to once a week. I try and get her to sit down in the bath and tip her head back, then I put a flannel on her head to catch any drips so the water doesn’t run in her face. We still get the big outwardly show of distress but we all feel a lot better now she knows we’ve put strategies in place to avoid her upset as much as possible.

I had this (still have, some days!) with mine. Once a week is 'normal' for my kids hair washing, unless they have been swimming or full of suncream etc.

Both screamed until they were 2.5 ish, but i figured they were old enough to be reasoned with then. So the hair wash was non-negotiable, but they chose shower head or jug, flannel for the eyes or no flannel, head back or look down..... so they have some choices / control to some degree, but the hair WILL get washed once a week. It took time but once i started offering those choices, it only took a few weeks for them to get a bit better.

I would suggest offer consistency in how you approach it, and stick with it.

Have you asked her to wash your hair?

I also think you shouldn't scare her with stories of head lice and social workers. It will encourage her to develop more 'things' to really worry about and out of proportion. We all have our 'things' growing up and as adults, and children don't need any more encouragement to have even more 'things' from their parents, however well-meaning.

Also, not only is it misinformation, head lice will happen at least once and possibly several times at nursery, school and after-school activities.