DD really hates washing her hair - desperate for ideas

[Mummynew08]

DD is 2y8m and she really, really, really hates washing her hair.

She is neutral/happy about going in the bath but she always says "we aren't washing my hair today [are we]?!" before getting in, and isn't happy in the bath unless we tie up her hair (which indicates we aren't about to wash it). When we wash it, she screams in discomfort as if we are torturing her.

We have tried EVERYTHING (well obvs not literally otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for more ideas!). Warmer water, colder water. Shower vs bath. Shower in the bath. Using a cup to pour water over. At her suggestion, using a wet flannel on her hair instead of cup or shower: we tried that a few times and she still hated it and it took way longer so the torture lasted longer.

DH reckons we shouldn't do it when she's getting upset as she'll just associate it with being upset - sounds reasonable except that means we keep putting it off. We dropped to once a week then once every two weeks. (We take care to tie it back when she's eating or doing messy play so it stays fairly clean but tbh after two weeks it really needs a wash).

We've tried talking to her about it when nowhere near the bath or bathtime. "Dd why don't you like washing your hair, what can we do to make it nicer for you". She sobbed as soon as we brought it up. We calmed her down and she suggested we put loud audiobooks/peppa music on so she can't hear the water, and give her treats. She said shower (not bath) so it's quicker.

Today, we hadn't done it for nearly three weeks. We put on her fave audiobook on loud. I arranged a plate of sweet treats and put it on display ready. We got her undressed and she's already begging not to do it and sobbing. I hugged her, got the shower the right temp, stepped her under the jet and washed it as quick as I could like 10 seconds. She was literally trembling in distress and sobbing like she was in pain and I felt like I was torturing her. Then I quickly passed her out to DH to get dry before drying myself and then drying her hair together.

How can we make this better?! Please wise mums help us.

Sorry for the essay (I'm a bit emotional) - TLDR: my toddler really hates hair washing, wtf do we do...!

Is her hair quite long? I’d start making hair washing a daily thing, but building up really slowly. So today, you literally just spray the shower on the bottom couple of centimetres of her hair, no shampoo, just spray and say “there, hair all done” and then do t mention it again. Then tomorrow do the same but go a little bit higher up her hair. After a week or so, you should be able to get her whole head wet. Then start adding in shampoo, but again, starting with a tiny drop on the very ends of her hair and washing out immediately. You could also try building up by increasing the time time the water is on her hair before you increase how high up you take it. Might take a couple of months, or you might find that it breaks the cycle quite quickly once she realises that hair washing really isn’t so scary.

My DD1 was very much like this at this age. Her hair was too short to try this approach and I actually can’t remember how we got past it. I do remember trying one of those face shield thingies and finding it had the opposite effect - it just channeled the water straight down into her face and made her scream more.

With my four, they each had a face guard - like the ones at the top of the thread, a plastic jug and a flannel. I used an all-in-one bath/shampoo - so there was no “shampoo” bottle. I would let them wash themselves all over with their flannel - including their heads and then make a game of filling up the jug and letting the water rinse over them.

The sense of torture was immense and it felt like I was repeatedly violating her consent

THIS is completely ridiculous! One of my neighbour’s kids was s nightmare for her mum getting her hair washed as a toddler….they tried “everything” and it was tears and tantrums all the way. Until she shared a bath with my dd for a sleepover and there were no issues at all when I washed it… she knew it was going to happen as part of their bath and didn’t bat an eyelid. She also knew I didn’t put up with any of the crap her mum put up with from her…Go figure…

<now awaiting incoming sensory issues you cruel harridan comments>

Thank you so much for understanding, I feel like you get it from our POV. I do think she must have something sensory going on, her reaction is so visceral

Well done. Clever you

I've never thought of this, thank you I will try this

Good tip, I will buy this as well as the visor

Just wash it .say to her yes we have to wash your hair today then she can't build it up to a huge deal . Do it with a jug and wash it back away from her ears. With one of mine we used to wash it over the bath so it wasn't at her bath time because I didn't want her refusing a bath

Yes haha we have tried DD washing my hair with a jug! I thought that might make her see it wasn't anything to be scared of. I loved it though, I love water and I love people massaging my head or the feeling when DH plaits my hair. So it didn't help with the empathy aspect unfortunately. Dd must have a different feeling on her scalp to me.

I was like that as a child too. It was a sensory/autism thing with me. I couldn't stand water in my face or the sensation of it running down my neck and back. One thing that did sort of help was to have a flannel across my forehead so no water reached my face and a towel wrapped around my neck and shoulders so the water didn't run down and touch my skin directly. Then when I was old enough I would just stand bent over the side of the bath to have my hair washed. Still with cloth over the face and towel around the shoulders just in case.

I didn’t wash my children’s hair until they were older. I let them get it wet whilst playing in the bath- sometimes put bubble hairdos and beards on me, and then them. As long as dust gets rinsed out somehow, I think it’s ok. Shampoo actually strips their delicate hair. Just cut her fringe if it’s getting in her eyes.

Masking. Even toddlers do it.

You didn’t solve the problem. What a dick.

<awaiting that poster to tell us the child never had a problem again>

Snd that will be a bs.

What worked for my DD - a visor with a rolled up face cloth held under the rim at the forehead (stopped even a drop getting on her face), quick shampoo and rinse with a shower head on a low pressure setting (more like a trickle than a blast), no conditioner (sometimes used a detangler spray afterwards).

The most effective thing was having her hair cut to a long bob (just above shoulder length). Less hair to wash, fewer tangles, all round easier to manage.

I'm another one who didn't wash their DCs hair when they were young. It sounds like such an ordeal for you all that I just wouldn't bother. Their hair would get wet when in the bath or swimming & that seemed enough. Pick your battles. You don't want to get to a point where she is refusing to bathe altogether because of this.

Oh, and no water near the ears. The visor had to be wide enough to stop water on her ears. It didn't really matter that the hair round the hairline didn't get properly cleaned - you kind of brush the dirt down the hair length anyway.

Have you tried asking her to help you? As in helping rub in the shampoo? Then lying in a shallow bath and her rubbing the shampoo off herself? Or swishing her hair side to side like a mermaid?

Also, what about a children's mirror (not breakable obv) that she can hold in the bath to watch what you're doing? I'm wondering if she can see whats happening, it might take an element of the unknown away.

My DD is 6 now and has bum length hair, she washes it herself because she prefers to feel more in control of it. Since doing it herself, she is perfectly happy to stand under the shower and doesn't give a shit if it goes in her face. If I did that, she'd be giving me hell.

Why are you bathing random kids together anyway? Did their parents know you'd be washing them in the bath? Seems a bit much for one sleep over.

We have a DS with sensory issues. Hair wash isn't too much of a problem but the way we deal with essential things (wearing new clothes, bike helmet) is to start with a tiny exposure (e.g. 30 seconds of helmet) and build up.
I would definitely go for a short hair cut as it's quicker to wash and a really quick dip - count to 10 today, 20 tomorrow. Every day.
For the other parts of the issue a lycra swim cap (so it's wet but not quite so wet) sounds helpful and we find solid shampoo is better, it doesn't go everywhere. My DCs like a head massage (firm pressure) which may help with the tickling sensation.

Have you tried a plastic halo head guard? then you can wash her hair without any water/shampoo getting hear her face/eyes/mouth/ears/

Edushape Magic Mirror Shapes Bath Toy Gift Set. 3 Fun Shaped, Bath-safe Mirrors that stick to any flat surface. Shape & Colour recognition. Suitable for Baby Boys & Girls from 12 months + amzn.eu/d/5vEoCud

Sorry for the long link, I don't know how to do the little near ones!

I think I'd be inclined to agree that it's been built up to a big event and she is picking up on the anxiety you and DH hold about causing her distress. I totally respect your approach re consent, I always liked to give my kids the chance to consent to personal care but at the end of day they are young children so don't have the capacity to make decisions as they don't understand the repercussions. For example my nephew went through a stage of fighting during every nappy change. He was 3 and strong and it was torture. I said "OK it's time to change your nappy now it's dirty, would you like to lie down or would you like to stand by the toilet?" So he is given choice and control but the fact his nappy is getting changed is a complete non negotiable.

My youngest is 3 and has screamed every time I wash his hair (it's short so that won't make a difference), he loves being in the bath and playing and knows that at the end of it he needs his hair washed. It's horrible causing him distress but it needs to be done and then 2 seconds after I wrap him in a towel and cuddle him tight and all is right with the world again.

Not liking their hair being washed can be an early sign of various conditions (not always ofcourse) such as autism and sensory processing disorder. If she gets a diagnosis in the future you'll feel awful for how you dealt with it if you go down the route of mild threats and graphic images of head lice. If its not an early sign of one of those then it's a phase which will pass with time. My DD didn't get diagnosed with autism until she was 13, she absolutely loved baths when little but hated getting her face and hair wet so we went with really short hair. And then I never 'washed' her hair as far as she knows, I used a Wet hairbrush to brush her hair in the bath which she liked, but really I was washing her hair at the same time but she didn't realize.

I would not mention hair washes for a while but would concentrate on fun in the bath, building up to splashing a little, bubble bath hats and wet hair brushes and using dry shampoo if really necessary. She's little and will be fine soon it will be paddling pool weather to build up her water confidence even more.

Have you tried a poster on the ceiling (like at the dentists) to distract her?

Also second the hair cut in to a short Bob that's easier to maintain-afew friends have done this with their little girls who hated hair brushing.

Have you tried doing it as role play/pretending she's at the hair dressers? That's the only way I can get my little girl to have her hair brushed! X

@cannaecookrisotto you use two square brackets either side of the link and then the word you want to show separated by the main link with a space then the end two brackets

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I’ve not read the full thread but things that have helped with my DS are:

Weekly swimming (although I see she isn’t a fan of this either).

Playing with water pistols in the bath so he got used to being splashed - cover your bathroom floor in towels and be prepared to get very wet yourself.

Using different containers of water to wash hair and being silly with it, DS’s favourites are a watering can and a saucepan from his play kitchen. Could also use a mug/spray bottle/toy dump truck. Anything fun and unexpected.

I haven’t tried this but in your situation I would buy some cheap dolls/barbie type thing and have you DD be their hairdresser in the bath, washing their hair etc. might take some pressure off and just be a playful way to make hair washing less of a thing.