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Original poster

16 year old refuses to meet my partner

133 replies

sincerity · 17/03/2023 11:47

I have been with my partner 7 months we are very happy. His 13 year old daughter has accepted me and enjoys me staying over.

My son is 16 and is stilll refusing to say hi. He has ignored him when they have crossed paths at my house. He said he will never ever meet him.

This stems from trauma from my previous partner who was emotionally abusive, controlling and killed our cat.

I stayed single for 5 years afterward and this is almost 6 years ago.

He had some counselling at time then refused to go. I have offered him counselling again but he refuses.

My partner and I would like to move in together in 2 years time. My son will then be 18.5 years old.

How would you approach this. I have tried everything. All I want him to do is say hi.

Thanku xx

OP posts:
RoomOnTheBrooms · 17/03/2023 11:51

Respect his wishes. After all that trauma for your ds and you're already talking of moving in with someone in 2 years when you've only been together 6 months.

Ameadowwalk · 17/03/2023 11:54

I don’t think you can force your son to do anything, to be honest, but respect your son’s feelings. He is allowed to draw boundaries. Stop trying to erode them if you want him to still trust you.

There is no actual reason he needs to have any kind of relationship with your partner. You are only seven months in and it sounds like he was deeply hurt by your ex. You cannot compare his reaction to someone else’s child who has not been through that.

It’s far too soon to be even thinking about moving in together. I think.

bravelittletiger · 17/03/2023 11:56

Have you sat down with your son and asked him what he's worried about and scared of? Have you asked if there is anything that would make him feel safer and more comfortable? Have you asked him to help you set out a plan for how he might feel comfortable to talk to your partner in the future?

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xJoy · 17/03/2023 11:58

oh wow, instead of pressuring him, tell him that you completely understand where he's coming from.

I agree with others, cool your jets. I'm not the stereotypical ''smug married'' for context. My children's father is abusive, I escaped. I stayed single for five years like you, and the first couple of people I got entangled with (although my kids never met them) were just users and takers and players with a softer style. They still took and I still gave. Not saying that you're like me, but just slow down and see if the new bf is still lovely after the first few hurdles.

Temporaryname158 · 17/03/2023 12:00

7 months in I don’t think your son should have to share space with your partner and I think you are jumping the gun by even having a move in date in mind! You barely know this person!

I think you should take heed of your sons needs and certainly not move anyone in until he has moved out of home at a time convenient to him

Megifer · 17/03/2023 12:00

Take it slow. It sounds like you both went through a lot and at 7 months....its a boyfriend, not a partner imo. Your DS is probably hurting because hes worried it will happen again, and while you have a boyfriend to try and help erase those memories, or help you cope with them, what does he have?

PeekAtYou · 17/03/2023 12:03

Considering what's happened in the past it's understandable that he's not interested in meeting someone you've been dating for 7 months.

If you're planning to move in together then it sounds like you need him to do more than say hi. Even if he goes to university, he will be home for several weeks a year unless he's got a grandparent or something year extended family who will have him to stay.

Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 12:03

Thank you everyone. It really helps to have some input on this.

OP posts:
XMissPlacedX · 17/03/2023 12:07

I would suggest systemic therapy ( family therapy) for you and your son together. You both have differing points of views that are both valid. You exposed him to trauma ( not purposely) and he is obviously scarred from that. If it were me however I would just wait and not move in with anyone, soon he will be an adult and you then have plenty of time to live with your partner. This is him home and if you force anything now you'll ruin the relationship and trust he has left in you.

CossyBunt · 17/03/2023 12:07

Your poor son, you really don't get it, do you? He sounds traumatised from what he had to endure when you were with your ex. You need to put his needs and feelings first, listen and respect his boundaries. You sound like you do not have any boundaries. I don't say this lightly, but you risk losing him once he is old enough to be independent.
Why the rush to introduce partner to son and move in with new partner? You need therapy to work on your own deep rooted issues, I'm guessing there is some form of abuse in your background.

MelchiorsMistress · 17/03/2023 12:11

Stop trying to make him say hello. Of course he should be polite but he has valid reason to not want to have this person in his life and it’s really not fair to force it. Put your son first while his is still young and living at home. If this relationship is worth it, it will wait.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2023 12:13

Leave the lad to come round in his own time. Pressure will likely make things worse not better.
And btw, you have only been together 7 months, and you don’t live together - he is your boyfriend, not your partner..

Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 12:17

Thank you for ur feedback. Although little harsh

OP posts:
Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 12:20

I call him partner as at 43 and 45 we sound too old to say boyfriend and girlfriend.

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/03/2023 12:20

Why are you moving everything so fast? You barely know this bloke.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 17/03/2023 12:21

Please, stop putting on the pressure and try and spend some quality time with him.

I had an abusive stepdad, so when My mum met someone new, I felt so much anger and resentment and we had a terrible relationship for years.

Derbee · 17/03/2023 12:23

Jesus. You’ve severely traumatised your son with your bad relationship choices (killed your cat?!) and are now wanting him to meet the latest boyfriend after only 7 months?

I’m not surprised he’s refusing. He sounds like the only voice of reason here

MyfavouriteisA · 17/03/2023 12:24

“Partner”? This is not a partner, just someone you’ve been dating for 7 months. Hopefully your relationship will develop further and then you can decide how to move on to the partner stage, sharing your lives, home, etc. Until then there is no need to force him on to your son as it’s much more likely that, as he matures and sees that you are happy, he will accept your relationship. Tread carefully and avoid confrontations which will escalate animosity as there’s no need for any of that at this stage of your relationship.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/03/2023 12:25

Your poor son. I can see why he feels like that. I'd shelve any idea of moving this guy in until your son has left home and I wouldn't rush him into that either.

Lenax · 17/03/2023 12:27

I was the child/teen who refused to take my mum's partner seriously after a very unsettled upbringing, 15 years later I am a completely different person and the same partner of my mum sat next to my mum at the top table of my wedding. Give him time and be gentle, it will be ok xx

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2023 12:28

I don't blame him!

Did you report your ex for killing your cat? He should've gone to prison.

How bloody traumatic that must've been for your son.

Ragwort · 17/03/2023 12:29

Of course he's your boyfriend and it doesn't matter if you are 14 or 84. The word 'partner' implies a much more serious relationship than seven months !

And what on earth makes you think that your boyfriend's 13 year old DD 'enjoys' you staying over? And why are you even staying over if she is at home? Have some respect for her and keep your sex life private.

Dillydollydingdong · 17/03/2023 12:30

My bf and I are both 71. We call ourselves bf and gf, not partners, and we don't live together after 3 years seeing each other. Both quite happy, no hurry to move on.

alwleisnm · 17/03/2023 12:31

Poor kid

Ireallydohope · 17/03/2023 12:32

Your poor DS having to go through that

I'm not surprised

Put DS first and stop pressuring him to meet partner

Just see him away from your DS

Easily done

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