16 year old refuses to meet my partner

[sincerity]

I have been with my partner 7 months we are very happy. His 13 year old daughter has accepted me and enjoys me staying over.

My son is 16 and is stilll refusing to say hi. He has ignored him when they have crossed paths at my house. He said he will never ever meet him.

This stems from trauma from my previous partner who was emotionally abusive, controlling and killed our cat.

I stayed single for 5 years afterward and this is almost 6 years ago.

He had some counselling at time then refused to go. I have offered him counselling again but he refuses.

My partner and I would like to move in together in 2 years time. My son will then be 18.5 years old.

How would you approach this. I have tried everything. All I want him to do is say hi.

Thanku xx

Considering your son’s background, allowing a boyfriend of 7 months to even step foot into his home is nothing short of cruel. His home should feel safe and you have introduced a man that he has no reason to trust.

if you continue down this path, you are likely to lose your relationship with your son.

Best case scenario, you are showing him that you don’t care about the trauma you experienced and you don’t care enough to provide him one literal safe space in the world, your home.

with only 7 months in the relationship, you also can’t be sure you are facing a best case scenario.

I'll speak from experience here. I had a horrible experience with one of my mum's partners and because of that, I was very reluctant to meet the next one. How could I be sure she hadn't picked another terrible person? I think you just need to leave this one. Your son will probably come around eventually, but he has been through a lot. Your ex killed the cat! He’s traumatised.

You say all you want is for him to say hello but it sounds like this man is already staying over in your child’s home? That’s massive, especially for a child who has gone through trauma

I was about to say exactly this. Trauma in children isn't rational, and certainly there are some things from that age that I'm still working through now at age 40 with my counsellor.

I found it hard to trust adults. I did not trust my mum, or her ability to make good choices. I had to protect myself. That's what your son is doing.

7 months is far too soon. Don't think about moving in with your boyfriend until DS has moved out.

You pushing this will show your DS that what you want (a man) is more important than what he needs. He needs to feel stable and safe. A man coming into his life will not make him feel safe.

To add, I'm not blaming you for your ex's behaviour. We all know people can seem nice and turn out to be pieces of shit. I didn’t blame my mum either, I was just very wary of it happening again. People can put up a facade. Your son is probably scared this man will turn out to be awful as well.

FFS, don't blame her for her ex's abuse

Yeah I agree don't push it, the lad is obviously traumatised from the past relationship, he killed your cat?! Jesus Christ !!

So you left your son's dad who was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who pissed in the furniture and then moved in an ever more abusive man who killed your cat.

And you're wondering why your son doesn't want to play happy families with your new boyfriend who has exercised such poor judgement his new girlfriend is staying over at his home with his 13 year old daughter?

I really hope this thread is a wind up.

i suggest you slow down! 7 months is nothing, i would wait ayear before introducing to make sure its serious!

back off the poor lad

I do feel sorry for the kid. Children have no control over what happens to them. They are at the mercy of the adults in their life. Your son has been a victim of your past relationships and decision, but he's now realising, at 16, that he actually doesn't have to accept another. This new man won't have any control over him. He won't have a role in his life. It's great for you that you have found someone good finally, but he isn't anything to your son. Do not push this. Accept your son's boundaries. He may come around in the future, he may not, but he definitely won't if you and/or new man try to push interaction between them.

I think your mistake, OP, was to present your son with a fait accomplis, ie. in two years partner will move in. That's not taking it slowly or giving any consideration to your son's feelings.

You've been dating 7 months, it should be left at that. Present Not future planning. No wonder your son isn't willing to jump to it, you've already planted this man in yours and your son's life two years away.

Why did you do that? You say the right things but at the end of it is this done-deal... two years and current man is IN. :(

Don't make him. He's your boyfriend not your sons. Your son got no choice in this man entering his life just like the last time. Allow him agency and space in his home and life away from stranger adult men.

Killing the cat is one thing yes which happened one time. The emotional abuse and control that you mention in the OP isn’t one instance though. He had to live through all of that, on top of having to live through his dads alcoholism and emotional and physical abuse too. You can see why he wants nothing to do with any man you’re with, and it will take him so many years to battle through his awful childhood. Don’t have your partner around him is my advice, don’t allow him in your home while your son is there. Protect your child and put him first.

Oh god.

And it’s only been seven months. Poor kid.

Sometimes it pays to AS a poster. 😞

@CovertImage so OP is completely blameless for her son having an alcoholic father, and then having to endure a domestic abuser who killed their family pet?

Completely blameless? I don’t accept that. After the first troubled relationship OP should have put her son first.

OP, you aren’t letting your boyfriend stay over when your son is there, are you?

I'm afraid I agree with this OP, its a red flag hes introduced you to his daughter so soon and while your son will be an adult and not have to live with you, she is going to be peak hormonal teenager. Hes not given that a thought at all it seems.

Honestly OP just date him without any rush to shack up, 7 months is still the honeymoon period dont make any decisions without REALLY thinking about it first.

Why are you even discussing moving in together after 7 months? Doesn’t matter how far in the future it is. Ridiculous, even more so given your history.

His daughter hasn’t experienced two abusers like your son has.

Absolutely this. Jesus b

This is really harsh! No one gets into a relationship knowing what they are capable of.

Op, don't have any plans in mind. Take each day and give your son space. I suspect that he was terrified that he would lose his mum when your ex displayed violent tendencies. Spend a lot of time talking to him but take the idea of meeting your new boyfriend off the table.

Seven months in and you're having days out with your boyfriend's kid? This isn't normal or healthy and shows you haven't learned much from your previous experience.

Bloody hell, the poor DS! So the cat killer not Ds' dad? But dad also an abusive arsehole?

Killing a cat is not 'just losing it one day'.
Honestly I've already said it but this poor boy.
But hey as long as you, the bf and his dd are happy....

His father was abusive, your ex was sbusive. It sounds like you aren't a good judge of character, so I get his reluctance. Don't you think that if you are so bad at spotting abusive men you should go slower than this? And maybe if he never wants to meet him you could think about NOT living together? You're not going to have a child with this man so no need to cohabit, and if you're such a bad judge of character maybe you shouldn't want to give up your own home. That way you always have a safe haven.