16 year old refuses to meet my partner

[sincerity]

I have been with my partner 7 months we are very happy. His 13 year old daughter has accepted me and enjoys me staying over.

My son is 16 and is stilll refusing to say hi. He has ignored him when they have crossed paths at my house. He said he will never ever meet him.

This stems from trauma from my previous partner who was emotionally abusive, controlling and killed our cat.

I stayed single for 5 years afterward and this is almost 6 years ago.

He had some counselling at time then refused to go. I have offered him counselling again but he refuses.

My partner and I would like to move in together in 2 years time. My son will then be 18.5 years old.

How would you approach this. I have tried everything. All I want him to do is say hi.

Thanku xx

Agree with others, none of this should be on your terms. If your son ever wants to meet your partner that’s his decision, if he never wants to meet another man you have a relationship with again that’s also his decision. You’ve put him through trauma - whether you were also a victim or not is irrelevant, he had no choice in that relationship and wasn’t protected by you fast enough so he gets to heal at his own pace.

Yes of course I did. But sadly our police and justice system did nothing.

RSPCA fought to get it to court but CPS wouldnt accept it and it was dropped last minute.

We were both traumatised by this worst time in our lives which is why it took me 5 years to feel ready to meet someone.

He is happy I have met someone but wants no part in it.

Which I do get of course and totally understand.

The trick is as this relationship progresses it will get tricky and how does a mum navigate that?

Respect his wishes. You can't blame him if you've previously had shit taste in men. That sort of trauma stays on your soul as a scar.

Just stop it. Keep them separate and no moving in together until he's sorted in the world. He has to heal in his own time.

You navigate it by seeing your boyfriend separately and not trying to play Happy Families with your DS.

How do you protect someone from killing an animal when neither of us were at home?

That could not have been predicted or forseen. A man just lost it one day when neither of us were there.

Please do not judge and victim blame. The person in wrong was the man who did this.

He really isn't your partner after 7 months, he is a pretty new boyfriend.

There isn't much reason for your ds to have anything much to do with him and that is before you consider the impact of trauma on your ds.

You need to allow your ds to have his space and time. This relationship is for you and not him. Trying to force things is only going to create bigger issues.

Because she lives with him full time where is she meant to go?

Or should we refrain from a healthy relationship because he has a child?

Who said anything about sex life?

She enjoys my company and has told her Dad that. We have lots of fun together and days out.

Please expand..

I really think 7 months isn't long enough when you have so much trauma in the past. Your son needs to be the one setting the pace here, not you, definitely not your partner.

Try and think of it from your child's perspective. The last man you brought into his life and moved into his home abused him, killed his cat and traumatised him. Would YOU trust you to make a good choice again? Has it occurred to you that he very likely at least partially blames you for bringing that into his life, and has little reason to trust that you won't do it again?

Agree with everyone else. After the trauma your son has been through I really, really think you need to respect his wishes and keep the relationship with the new man separate from your son if that’s what he wants. Go on dates outside of the house, stay over at the guy’s house overnight rather than have him stay at yours.

Also, alarm bells are ringing by the fact that you’re already making plans to move in with someone after seven months. There’s no need to rush things. See how things go.

I don’t think what pp said was victim blaming by the way. But pointing out that if you’ve previously been in an abusive relationship with a highly dangerous man, you ought to be proceeding in a new relationship with an abundance of caution.

Yes we have had deep conversations about this.

7 months is plenty of time to know if you want a culture with that person. Definitely not too soon to be meeting teen kids.

op, you can’t force him. You’re just going to have to be patient and understanding. 2 years is a while away yet; a lot can change in that time.

Thank you that brings me hope someday.

So... Why don't you seem to understand where he's coming from? To be honest if I were him, and still 16 and full of all the doubts and hormones 16 brings, I don't think I'd ever want to meet any of your boyfriend's again.

Your conversations can't be that deep if you still don't get it.

Op - to respond to your questions about how to navigate etc...I've been seeing someone for 7 months too. We haven't even spoken yet about meeting our respective children, let alone doing it. It's far far too soon. We meet either outside our houses if our dc are home, or sneak a chance inside ONLY if all the kids are out.

How long into the relationship did you meet his daughter?

I don't get any sense OP wants her son out of the way.
I do think that she is rushing into playing happy families and is frustrated that her son won't engage with this.
New relationships can be very exciting but only OP is experiencing this rush, her son is more likely to be scared and therefore angry.

Op

alongside the psychotic partner who killed the cat

your ex husband He drinks excessively and urinates on furniture at times. Sometimes he just drinks a lot and doesnt do that. I have been back n forth back n forth many times. This is it it's the last straw and I have filed for legal seperation. as well as alcohol issues, he is emotionally abusive and uses put downs all time.

your son likely has no faith in your choice of partner. He has led a deeply trouble childhood. FGS you should have velvet gloves on and respect his wishes

He knows your judgement is really bad, and might be scared. You are still showing poor judgement, but can’t even see it yourself.

With the upbringing your son has had I really think you should have stayed single till he was an adult. Why do you need to date anyone?

Personally I think you shouldn't even introduce partners to children before 6 months so it sounds like you've already done that much sooner, I would accept that your son is probably very much done with your love life and probably presumes you'll either pick an asshole again OR just won't be together for long so why get involved etc

He's still a kid, a traumatised kid and I'm sorry but as his mother yes he probably does half blame you. You didn't protect him for that period of time. You didn't choose your kids

You say ‘we have had deep conversations about this’ and ‘thank you, that brings me hope someday’. Neither of those things are inherently wrong but it sounds to me like you’re wanting things to be on your own terms and are trying to persuade your son to do things your way. Your son may never be ‘how you want him to be’ and love is about accepting that. Keep your partner and son separate and let your son be in charge of how that progresses.

None of what you’ve been through is your fault but sadly, if people have issues and aren’t self aware enough to work on them; it can destroy relationships. Even between parents and children. My Mum had lots of trauma from her past and just wanted our family to be ‘perfect’ after what she’d been through. She parented by ignoring all our problems (including my brother’s violence) and pretending everything was perfect. We are all no contact with my parents now so your thread struck a chord with me.

My Mum isn’t a bad person but she just can’t relate to us normally because of what she went through. She can’t admit that to herself because I guess it adds insult to injury to have gone through bad stuff that’s not one’s fault and then be damaged by it. Like, the events are enough; why do we have to also admit bitter truths about ourselves and do loads of work on it? I see why abused people find it so hard to be self aware.

To reiterate, you’re not a bad Mum (and neither was mine) but trauma can destroy relationships. Of course you want to play happy families to make up for what you’ve gone through but it’s not that simple and you risk losing him if you push it. It’s great that you’ve offered your son counselling but have you been to any?

Your son is probably worried the same thing is going to happen which is a reasonable fear.
It will be a big change for your son even if he's 18 when it happens.
I would stick to dating and spending time at your bf's place if his dd is ok with that.

Thank you. I love my son wholeheartedly but would just like him to be polite at the moment. I have said you can say hi and do your own thing.

I have tried to seek help for his trauma but he refuses to engage.

Yes we have only been together 7 months but it would be nice for him to at least say hello.

I would like to move forward someday in my relationship and am worried what if he refuses never to meet him forever.

As for professional help for myself I have had that and done intensive work on healthy relationships and domestic abuse and now work in that area myself.

I did make shit choices before as someone put it as I trusted a man.

My boyfriend has been through every red flag test with colleagues and friends and family. He has come out as a good egg. His family are lovely this is a loving and kind relationship. A very very happy one.

I love my son and am just looking at advice to help us both.

I am not looking for a slap on wrists for having an ex who turned out to be evil.

Thanku

Your poor son! I’d be focusing on him more his feelings, if this man is worth his salt he will still be around months down the line, I would take it much slower far too fast