16 year old refuses to meet my partner

[sincerity]

I have been with my partner 7 months we are very happy. His 13 year old daughter has accepted me and enjoys me staying over.

My son is 16 and is stilll refusing to say hi. He has ignored him when they have crossed paths at my house. He said he will never ever meet him.

This stems from trauma from my previous partner who was emotionally abusive, controlling and killed our cat.

I stayed single for 5 years afterward and this is almost 6 years ago.

He had some counselling at time then refused to go. I have offered him counselling again but he refuses.

My partner and I would like to move in together in 2 years time. My son will then be 18.5 years old.

How would you approach this. I have tried everything. All I want him to do is say hi.

Thanku xx

I waited two years post divorce to start dating again and my then 20 year old (eldest) was exactly like this. All I did was say that my partner wasn't trying to be a replacement dad, or a friend, but he was important to me and therefore I expected civility - he didn't have to make conversation but be polite and engage in conversation if it happened. He softened over the next 5.5 years and even shared the building of a Lego Porsche with my partner early last year! But he never really 'liked' him

It’s because he doesn’t trust your judgement. And you are showing that you are rushing another relationship, how can you be planning to move in together after only 7 months?

Just seen your latest post. Ok, it’s fantastic that you’ve had therapy. Your son will be miles behind you as he’s not had any. That is tough that he won’t engage. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Your boyfriend does sound nice from what you’ve just said and it’s probably a reflection on you loving yourself more that you’re making better relationship choices. I just think you can’t force it on your son to know him. He’s old enough to have his own life and make his own decisions.

I’m really sorry if I came across harshly in my last post. I wanted to say it as I feel so sorry for my poor Mum and I don’t want other people to be like her. You do sound much more self aware and caring than her though. You obviously love your son but maybe accepting that he doesn’t want to know your partner will be part of that love, at least for now.

My boyfriend has been through every red flag test with colleagues and friends and family. He has come out as a good egg.

This is far too naive, especially with your history. There is no way you can go “through every red flag” in 7 months. As someone who works in domestic abuse areas (is that even healthy with your background? I don’t know) you will know that not all abusers show their true colours so early into a relationship. You’ll presumably know about love bombing etc etc?

I don’t see any evidence in any of your posts that you TRULY see the trauma your son has been through. And now you’re wanting to rush into playing happy families with a random man of 7 months that you have confidently declared “a good egg”.

I feel you are being judged very harshly to be honest! I understand you are thinking about the future and in a happy relationship that's where your thought processes go to.
In terms of your son, if it was me - I would simply talk about him positively, never force him to be in his company and respect he doesn't want a part in it for now. As time passes, it may take 1 or 5 years, but he will soon mature and see that your happy and just be grateful he's kind to you.
He's only 16, he's not mature enough to make a life decision yet so just continue as you are. Maybe only let your bf stay over when he's out as that's imposing on his "safe zone" especially as his daughter comes along also.
Your son is old enough to spend the night at home alone, so maybe go to your partners house instead so your son can keep his home and be happy. Best of luck

I suppose the problem here OP is why its not unreasonable of you to want a relationship and want your DS to be civil to your new partner its also not unreasonable of DS to not want what is essentially a random man in his house and in his space.

I think if it were me I probably would place DSs feelings over mine at the moment. What he has been through (what you've both been through) is horribly traumatic but your DS was / is still a child.

Yes all I want at moment is say hi. He doesnt bother with me as hanging out with Mum is uncool now so I don't expect him to play happy families.

Please do not victim blame. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Even you!.

It does not discriminate and it can happen to anyone. Believe me it was a bolt from the blue for us both.

I do not want my son out the way at all. You are assuming and do not know me. I love my son and have kept away from all men for over 5 years.

I have not had a man step foot inside my house or dated for over 5 years.

I have met someone a rare gentleman and want him to be polite. And maybe in time come and have a chat a meal. To be included not excuded.

Not to have a stepdad at all.

In time when things progress I would like us all to be friends and have a happy blended family. His daughter and my son have similar interests they would most likely get on very well.

I want to enhance our lives not make things hurtful. This is why I am posting on here to see if theres anything I can do or say to help my son.

Everyone tells me give him time I wonderef if anyone else had been through meeting someone after domestic abuse and how did their children handle it?

Perhaps I should post a new thread in that section maybe.

Your priorities are all wrong. Your focus shouldn't be on getting your son to put on airs and graces for your boyfriend of 7 months. It should be making sure that you are not repeating the same mistakes as you have made in the past.

Your son is traumatised, the last time you introduced him to a man, that man went on to be abusive and he killed the cat! My 9 year old son adores his cat, I cannot imagine the pain and fear he must have felt when he found out it had been killed. I don't even know your son but my heart broke for him reading that. Did he have to continue living with this man after that?

introducing a new boyfriend to yoyr son is not a happy occasion for him, it's bringing up past trauma and making him feel uneasy in his own home, wait until he moves out to move this man in, if he is decent he will wait.

And talking about “happy blended family” after 7 months is insane

And did you have a relationship quite so horrific as the OP?

Thanku x

I’ll tell you a red flag OP

the fact he introduced his young teen daughter to you so early on in the relationship

I'm uncomfortable with your positioning of your son as the one with the 'issue' here. You seem to view his refusal to meet your partner as something that he needs to overcome.

Have you done any work on yourself? Have you done the freedom programme?

You are perhaps in denial about the abuse your son has witnessed/ been subjected to. That would make sense, it's a defence mechanism, but it's really not helpful. In the eyes of your son, you are probably not a 'safe' person, even though you are his Mum. I'd suspect on a deep level, he cannot trust you to keep him safe, and the evidence backs it up that you can't. He's at the mercy of your whims, and you've now met the next, 'love of your life', and I bet 'you've never felt this way before'. At 16, he's got limited agency over his life so he's taken back a small bit of his power by refusing to meet your new bloke.

God no. Of course he didnt have to live with him after that!

My landlord had to help me though as he refused to leave my home for a week. And my son went to stay with my mum as police wouldnt arrest him or anything.

Police told me it was a civil matter!

Absolutely

I think, honestly, that the key here is that you need to slow down. You’re rushing this, it’s all a lot, very quickly. 7 months in isn’t really the time to be pushing this onto your son (and certainly not his daughter, but I’ll focus on your son).
He’s been through an awful lot of trauma and while he may not consciously blame you for that, his subconscious is aware that you invited your ex into his life, his space and his home and that ended up being incredibly traumatic for him. It’s perfectly natural for him to be cautious and push back on this, he’s just trying to protect himself.
Personally I would take a bit of a step back and not try and force anything. I’d keep the lines of communication open and non-judgemental and otherwise try not to rock the boat just yet. I appreciate it’s been a long time since your last relationship but it’s very early days still in this one.

It’s only been seven months. The last (only?) man with you in his life murdered his cat and abused you both.

I wouldn’t introduce a traumatised child to any man until much longer had passed. For a number of reasons, including not making a troubled child have to accept another man until I was certain about that man, and because involving children in a new relationship in troublesome at the best of times and I’d want something adult for me for a while anyway.

I am not repeating same mistakes of past.

We were both traumatised by this worst time in our lives

which is why it took me 5 years to feel ready to meet someone.

So you accept you needed 5 years, an adult who at least got to make some choices. He was just a kid, 9 or 10? No control, no power, no way to protect his Mom or the cat. A man took his safe place away whilst claiming to love him Mom.

Now here's another man. He's claiming to love his Mom. He's acting nice, like the last one did. You said your ex just snapped, so how does your son know this guy won't? How does he know that this man is safe? He doesn't and you telling him he is won't work, because you thought the last one was safe too.

That's not victim blaming, that's just pointing out that no one knows someone is abusive until they're abusive. You're willing to take a risk that this guy isn't like that, and you're probably right. He isn't ready to make that leap for a guy you've known for less than a year.

He is happy I have met someone but wants no part in it.
So you respect that. Where is he when you're sleeping over you bf's? How often is the bf coming over to yours? Where is DS then? Presumably if the bf is at yours he also has DD with him? Does she stop over?

I appreciate fully that you are not responsible for your ex's behavior. But he was a very young child and you were his safe place and it happened on your watch. No you are not responsible but your son had a traumatic childhood and it will leave permanent damage.

He needs help, counseling and support and he needs his home to be a safe space. So no man should be there while he needs that space.

I appreciate that impacts on your independence but he needs some degree of control of his space.

Family members work in the area with children who experience trauma and it is usually advised to not bring any partners near them until the relationship is years old and always allow them a space to absolutely not engage with anyone they don't want to.

I assume your partner was NOT your son's father. I'm sorry for being judgmental but what are you doing? Why are you putting YOUR needs ahead of a traumatised young boy? I feel so sorry for your son for having such a selfish mother.

Respect your son’s needs. He wants nothing to do with your boyfriend and, at this very early stage, that’s completely reasonable.

He’s presumably in Y11 or Y12, with exam pressures and lots of important decisions to think about.

If you want to see your boyfriend for a meal, go out. Your son has been through a lot and needs your patience and understanding.

As for your partner, all he has to do is hi "alright mate" every time he sees him, polite and no expectations. A decent person will understand your son is operating from a place of fear and will keep the metaphorical door open.

You cannot categorically state that you’re not repeating the mistakes of the past, and your son knows you can’t guarantee that either. It’s too early to tell, everyone’s on their best behaviour this early in the relationship and, in many cases, true characters have yet to come out.

Your son sounds like the only one with sense in this situation