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Original poster

16 year old refuses to meet my partner

133 replies

sincerity · 17/03/2023 11:47

I have been with my partner 7 months we are very happy. His 13 year old daughter has accepted me and enjoys me staying over.

My son is 16 and is stilll refusing to say hi. He has ignored him when they have crossed paths at my house. He said he will never ever meet him.

This stems from trauma from my previous partner who was emotionally abusive, controlling and killed our cat.

I stayed single for 5 years afterward and this is almost 6 years ago.

He had some counselling at time then refused to go. I have offered him counselling again but he refuses.

My partner and I would like to move in together in 2 years time. My son will then be 18.5 years old.

How would you approach this. I have tried everything. All I want him to do is say hi.

Thanku xx

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:31

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 17/03/2023 13:25

It’s only been seven months. The last (only?) man with you in his life murdered his cat and abused you both.

I wouldn’t introduce a traumatised child to any man until much longer had passed. For a number of reasons, including not making a troubled child have to accept another man until I was certain about that man, and because involving children in a new relationship in troublesome at the best of times and I’d want something adult for me for a while anyway.

And the man before that physically and emotionally abused them. Was an alcoholic and used to urinate over the furniture. DS at the time was… 4 years old

Agapornis · 17/03/2023 13:31

Are you having any "fun and lots of days out" with your son? Puberty is really hard and he might feel your abandoning him for this new 'happy family'.

BlackBarbies · 17/03/2023 13:32

endoftheworldniteclub · 17/03/2023 13:03

He knows your judgement is really bad, and might be scared. You are still showing poor judgement, but can’t even see it yourself.

Unfortunately I strongly agree with this comment

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13 year olds 16 year olds 18 years old Families
Hoppinggreen · 17/03/2023 13:32

Sounds like you have picked at least 2 awful men previously, not judging but it’s fact.
I imagine they weren’t pissing on the sofa or killing cats after 7 months either
Your son is scared for you and himself in case this man also turns out to be a mistake.
Hopefully he is wonderful but surely you can see why your son wants nothing to do with him - it’s all too much too soo.

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:32

How do you protect someone from killing an animal when neither of us were at home?

That could not have been predicted or forseen.

So completely came out of the blue? 🤔

Agapornis · 17/03/2023 13:33

Correction, *lots of fun and days out.

Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:33

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:31

And the man before that physically and emotionally abused them. Was an alcoholic and used to urinate over the furniture. DS at the time was… 4 years old

Show quote history

The man u speak of his his father my ex husband. Who was not an alcoholic when we married... he had depression and turned to alcohol which again could happen to you.

Please stop with the judgement here.

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 17/03/2023 13:34

Your son is traumatised. 7 months is quite quick to be introducing partners to children IMO, traumatised children especially. I’d honestly respect his point of view and keep his home his safe space.

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:34

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:32

How do you protect someone from killing an animal when neither of us were at home?

That could not have been predicted or forseen.

So completely came out of the blue? 🤔

Yes my dear

OP posts:
WB205020 · 17/03/2023 13:34

@sincerity
Your Partner and his daughter have very different experiences that you and your son do. As a result his DD's relationship with you will be different than your DS's relationship with him, or any other person.

Its a very difficult one but also something that can go very wrong unless handled with care, understanding and thoughtfulness.

Your DS has been clear so I would, for the time being, back off any relationship with your partner and your DS. That also means not having your partner around when your DS is. Make sure their paths do not cross and when you are with your DS he has your attention 100%

It is very likely the older he gets the more open he will be to you having a partner but at his age and experience he clearly finds it very hard. I urge you to listen to what he is saying and give him the space he needs. He will probably come around but he needs time and space to get used to this new chap and to trust him. Under the circumstances be led by your DS.

DangerNoodles · 17/03/2023 13:35

Well you are potentially repeating a mistake because you are moving the relationship along far too quickly, you really can't know this man all that well 7 months in. You are also not putting your child's welfare first.

How long into the last relationship did you introduce your son and how long before your ex 'snapped'?

Has your boyfriend made comments about your son's reluctance to talk to him or is this solely your concern? Because if your boyfriend is complaining about your son being 'rude' then that is a massive red flag.

Puppers · 17/03/2023 13:35

Having previously invited a man into your child's life who traumatised and abused them, it's incredible that you aren't safeguarding him better this time around. At the 7 month mark neither of you should be involving your children at all. They don't even need to know that their parent has a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's not appropriate that you should be sleeping overnight at his house. It's not appropriate - and especially so given the history on your side - that your son is expected to meet this man (against his clear wishes!) and make nice with him. Your son is asking to be kept out of it. You should be doing that anyway as his parent, but given that you're not and he's forced to actually ask for that, at least respect it.

Also if you move your boyfriend into the home in 2 years, be prepared for your son to move out. I can't believe you're even considering it given what he's been through and given the fact he doesn't want to be involved with this boyfriend either.

I read your comments open mouthed. Just put your son first. It's not much for him to ask.

Original poster
sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:35

Agapornis · 17/03/2023 13:31

Are you having any "fun and lots of days out" with your son? Puberty is really hard and he might feel your abandoning him for this new 'happy family'.

I would love to hang out with him but sadly since about 15 he stopped wanting to hang out with me. Puberty

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/03/2023 13:35

sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:33

The man u speak of his his father my ex husband. Who was not an alcoholic when we married... he had depression and turned to alcohol which again could happen to you.

Please stop with the judgement here.

Show quote history

stating facts is not judgment.
You we’re not responsible for the actions of these abusive men but it happened

Puppers · 17/03/2023 13:37

Just noticed your update that the abusive partner was his father. So he effectively doesn't have another parent and relies completely on you? Come on. You need to do the right thing.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/03/2023 13:38

Your son sounds more astute and emotionally mature ( no offence ) than you, he has no control over you conducting relationships except to put his own boundaries in place which he has done and you keep disrespecting them by pushing this issue about saying " Hello "

You need to stop and slow down, your boyfriend has already introduced his 13yr old which imo is not a good sign of someone with healthy boundaries and their child being a priority.
I find that irresponsible of him and this is something you shouldn't have agreed with.

I think the best you can do at the moment is to reduce or stop time your bf is around your son or in his space.
I wouldn't be thinking of moving in together until your son has left home either, at least tell him you have no plans to Cohabit anytime soon, it would beyond the pail to move your bf and his teenager in after the past he has been subjected to.

It's also not victim blaming to tell you your son may very well blame you partially for the trauma he has experienced, stop deflecting the responsibility you had to protect your son from the multiple abusive relationships you entered, he had no choice, none.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/03/2023 13:38

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:22

I’ll tell you a red flag OP

the fact he introduced his young teen daughter to you so early on in the relationship

And a second is that he is already planning to live with the Op.

And a third is that that plan is planned for when his daughter is around 15 - peak exam time and teenage issue time.

Westfacing · 17/03/2023 13:38

It's all very well saying a 13 year old girl is happy for you to stay over at their house - having a man staying is a very different situation, especially considering your past partner's deplorable behaviour.

Whatever trauma you suffered, your son who was very young, suffered more.

You'll just have to give him time.

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 13:39

sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:34

Yes my dear

Show quote history

It came out of the blue and yet…

As for professional help for myself I have had that and done intensive work on healthy relationships and domestic abuse and now work in that area myself.

So was this following your ex previous to him? … the one you say abused you and your 4 year old DS

Qantaqa · 17/03/2023 13:39

sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:33

The man u speak of his his father my ex husband. Who was not an alcoholic when we married... he had depression and turned to alcohol which again could happen to you.

Please stop with the judgement here.

Show quote history

That's probably the whole point OP.

The 2 men in your DSs life, one some point between him being 0 - 4 and one some point between him being 4 and 10 have been abusive.

They didn't start off that way by your own admission. You've now got a third man who currently is lovely. DS completely understandably wants nothing to do with him because who is to say he won't also turn into an abusive dickhead. 7 months on this basis is nothing.

I think on reflection I would be following DSs lead on this. I certainly wouldn't be bringing him into my DSs safe space and expecting DS to be nice.

DangerNoodles · 17/03/2023 13:41

Puppers · 17/03/2023 13:37

Just noticed your update that the abusive partner was his father. So he effectively doesn't have another parent and relies completely on you? Come on. You need to do the right thing.

I may be wrong but I think that was the partner before. So all this poor lad has ever known is abusive men.

PrinceHaz · 17/03/2023 13:41

Take things from where your son is at now. At this moment, due to trauma, he strongly resists any form of interaction with this man. I would therefore not expect it at all.

GoldDuster · 17/03/2023 13:42

Your son has been exposed to two men who have been abusive, and the effects of this will affect him forever.

He doesn't trust your judgement. He doesn't trust his mums partners for a host valid of reasons. He does not feel safe with this new boyfriend, and that is completely understandable. He is currently doing a good job of protecting himself.

I think you need to carefully consider what you are asking of him and why?

You want him to be friendly to your new boyfriend (which at 7 months I feel should be very much your business and not his) but can you explain why is this is important for you?

Agapornis · 17/03/2023 13:42

sincerity · 17/03/2023 13:35

I would love to hang out with him but sadly since about 15 he stopped wanting to hang out with me. Puberty

Show quote history

Did this by any chance coincide with the appearance of the new boyfriend?..