Are fussy children the product of a change in parenting style?

[Raz1564]

I shouldn't be casting any judgement on parents who have kids who eat just 5 types of food ... But I am and maybe I need convincing otherwise.

Growing up, we ate the same thing for lunch and dinner. Nobody could be fussy, we didn't have a choice. We either ate what we were given or didn't eat. Some of my siblings were "fussy", but the most that was tolerated from my mum was them moving some green foods to the side.

Fast forward to present day and I have fully gone old school with my approach to feeding my kids. They either eat what I give them or they don't. They now eat really well and the fussiest one eats better than every kid I know.

I decided to take this approach after seeing how much my older sister struggled with her DS. I love cooking and really wanted my children to enjoy wholesome meals.

So ... What do mum's think? Is this approach too strict for you or does it also work for you?

Hahahaha OP only has one child who is one and her second is still in utero but she thinks she has good eaters and judges her sisters. You can't make it up. Too hilarious.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childbirth/4762866-what-was-your-second-labour-like

@Emilia35 the OP says she had other older children (adopted).

Sounds similar to what I’ve read in the book French Children Don’t Throw their food. They simply don’t tolerate kids refusing their food in France. They have specific rules around eating and in school there’s no choice. They all get the same. In school though they’ll have 5 * star meals cooked by chefs

How did I manage to be a splendid smug parent to one and a shit parent to the other?

My fussy child just doesn't like food. He has no interest in it. The food he does eat needs to be very plain.

Wont touch chicken nuggets or any of the other foods the smug folk are talking about. Doesn't like puddings or sweets.

Just plain. No sauce. No spice.

Chicken breast. Mashed potatoes. Plain pasta. Plain rice. Peas. Weetabix. Chicken soup. Milk. Water. Yogurt. Plain noodles.

My other child lists broccoli and Brussels sprouts as her favourite foods. Loves curries, stir fries. Everything.

Yeah, I was brought up like you and I have a super unhealthy relationship with food. I made a choice to try and do different with my girl, not to feed into being a “fussy” eater but to help her have a healthy relationship with food. ie. choice of 2 meals most days, choice of veg / fruit - eat as much as you like etc.

I started out old school with my fussy eater of a son. He refused his evening meal so after an hour he went without, this happened 3 days in a row although he was eating breakfast and lunch. He then became incredibly unwell and was hospitalised. He developed ketotic hypoglycaemia and nearly died several times. I didn't cause it but it was a bit of a contributing factor to the failure of thrive and took me years to deal with my failing him. I didn't know then he as autistic and that was reason for being fussy and so stubborn

It is very easy (but foolish) to assume that if you have a dc who coincidentally eats all foods contentedly, that this is because of your superior parenting.

It's the same as when people thing their dc sleep well, potty train easily, read early, it is because of their superior parenting.

I think it's mainly the personality of the dc you end up with!

I suspect their were a lot of dc with the same sensory difficulties with food in the past who were forced to eat and were very damaged from that. So I suppose if you consider good parenting to be meeting your dc's needs, or looking good to outsiders.

MIL, born 1940s, is one of the fussiest eaters I know. Her brother was just as bad. Long list of foods they'd never consider. Of course, they ate what they were given as children. They just wouldn't eat anything else as a result.

Well my autistic child eats most things and definitely tries things. My non autistic child is a beige fussy eater. They have both been weaned the same and brought up with the same food offered. I do cave in and basically cook what I know the fussy one will eat due to not being able to afford food waste.

I’m a fussy eater as an adult. I have a complete aversion to many foods. Some due to smell and taste and others due to texture. I can’t tolerate spicy food at all. Not even black pepper as a seasoning. I was brought up with the strict regime of if you don’t eat it there’s nothing else. And also you’ll get it at the next meal threats (not sure we ever did but when we were older and parents left the table we sneaked food into the bin). We had the rule of no pudding if you don’t eat your main - but my mother who used to say that now tells my children they pudding goes down a different pipe so there’s always pudding!!

If you ever met a family with a child who has to be fed through a tube when their refusal of all except one safe food gets so bad then I think you’d understand.

Oh , oh I win one of those.

I mean DD didn't eat ,sleep or talk properly but she was potty trained in 2 days. I'm a third superior parent.

Yes, people were fussy in the past. My great grandfather was incredibly fussy, and he was too old to fight in WW1. I only happen to know because there is an amusing family story about his eating that reveals that he must have been very, very fussy. Also, all those stories that you read saying how awful school food was in the ‘olden days’ and how children got up to all sorts of tricks to get out of eating revolting things that were served up to them at school. Being fussy doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t eat healthily though.

So my DF is 80yrs old - very limited diet - would eat basically the same food every day if given the choice. My DM and DSis eat everything! I was incredibly fussy as a child - my poor DM! It wasn't til I was in my 30s that I ate a wider range of food. I have 3DS. My eldest is autistic and has an incredibly eclectic, expensive and exotic taste in food and hates 'bland', 'boring', 'same' foods. Can be challenging to produce exciting foods every day! DS2 and DS3 have very different tastes in food. I basically have given up pleasing everybody and just cook whatever I want for tea.

My conclusion is that we have very limited influence on our children's taste buds.

Yes. Absolutely. And the whole pandering to tastes and textures etc needs to stop. People will eat if they are hungry.

I don't.

But you sound like the type of person that would try and make me eat lamb (despite my warnings) and then get all butt hurt and offended when my body reacts like it always does and I throw up. I prefer the chicken nuggets eaters to your type.

"Fussy" children are often just sensitive children or children with more sensory sensitivities. The reason there are "more" of them now, is because children are allowed to express their emotions now or have a choice, whereas when I was growing up I didn't dare, children to behave/seen not heard type of stuff. Given the number of adults seeking therapy to learn how to cope with their emotions, I think I'd take an openly fussy kid that can tell me what they want and need over one that suppresses their needs to please me or because they know they will be ignored.

I didn't expect so many varied comments on here ... Very interesting. I guess it's a typical nature Vs nurture argument. You can only do so much.

I have 4 children, (3 adopted and the eldest age 9) ... One actually has foetal alcohol syndrome which made it really really really difficult to set boundaries during meal time. He was 3 when I adopted him so you can imagine how set in his ways he was. I think most of it is a blur to me now but it took months to get him to sit at the dinner table let alone eat. He was my fussiest but isn't too bad now. He will eat things like lasagne, pasta and vegetable and meat curries with quite a bit of plain rice and yoghurt.

Children have a hormone surge at the beginning of puberty, the change in hormones also changes taste buds among other things, kids will develop a more sophisticated palate as they enter their teens & will also start eating foods they have previously rejected. Younger children tend to prefer bland foods that are on the sweet side, teenagers begin preferring savoury & spicy foods that are less sweet.

My eldest would rather eat nothing than food she doesn’t like. She is stick thin so I do not want her losing any weight. She used to eat anything but then she became sick when she was young and that put her off food completely for ages. She’s getting better at trying things now she’s getting older.

My youngest will eat a lot more foods than her sister but will sometimes reject what she’s offered and would rather have nothing. She’s only 2.

I am a fussy eater and really struggle with that. It’s restrictive and the feeling of judgement from others radiates around me. I cannot help being fussy and would choose to eat more foods if I could. Other people need to remember that my fussiness impacts me the most and piss off with their judgment.

We have bought up ours on the same regime, eat what we eat (unless very spicey etc as they don’t like that and I get that for kids), and that’s all there is. They cope fine. Sometimes they have been a little hungry, but they’ve had a nice homecooked meal prior that they didn’t finish.
Some kids that only eat 5 foods could be ASD. when I was young I remember Mums cooking 3-4 different meals a day, I thought I’m not doing that! So I don’t think it’s anything new.
I think some kids are born fussy, and others we could influence it by pandering.

Difficult to know... I have had some battles and moans over the years but have offered healthy meals most of the time and fast convenient treats some of the time, and although I have a highly carnivorous son and a veggie daughter, they do now eat most things. When they were young I think they were less fussy than most of their peers but don't know if that was mainly luck or if some of the parents gave in to whims rather easily.

I actually think your approach can cause issues down the line but so can pandering too much. It’s a tricky balance and often it’s nothing to do with our parenting but the children we have and what they are like, and what they respond to.

I get the feeling you were expecting a lot of praise in the replies.

I’m one of four. Me and my brother ate everything. Still do. Would try anything the world over. My mum was a tremendous chef. Two of my sisters were and still are, insanely fussy.

Interestingly, our children are like us. Fussy sisters have extremely fussy kids. My brother and I have easy brave eaters.

As a child, my mum used the 'old school' method. I was horrendously fussy. That approach just caused me to have huge anxiety around meal times, that I've carried through to adult life. I quite often did go hungry, because the food I was given made me feel sick. We were struggling financially, so snacks and puddings were pretty much non existent. So that feeling of hunger was a real painful feeling. To then have a meal placed in front of you that makes you heave, and told to eat it or go hungry. It was awful. I vowed never to make my own children feel like that.

I now have 3 boys, teen and pre-teens. Two are fussy eaters. Yes, I'll serve meals that they don't like (because of course, they all like different meals....), but I make sure to put stuff on the plate that I know they do like too. I then ask them to eat some of the unliked food, but they're not forced to finish it. If they've made an attempt at it, they can have pudding/snacks afterwards.