Are fussy children the product of a change in parenting style?

[Raz1564]

I shouldn't be casting any judgement on parents who have kids who eat just 5 types of food ... But I am and maybe I need convincing otherwise.

Growing up, we ate the same thing for lunch and dinner. Nobody could be fussy, we didn't have a choice. We either ate what we were given or didn't eat. Some of my siblings were "fussy", but the most that was tolerated from my mum was them moving some green foods to the side.

Fast forward to present day and I have fully gone old school with my approach to feeding my kids. They either eat what I give them or they don't. They now eat really well and the fussiest one eats better than every kid I know.

I decided to take this approach after seeing how much my older sister struggled with her DS. I love cooking and really wanted my children to enjoy wholesome meals.

So ... What do mum's think? Is this approach too strict for you or does it also work for you?

My now 12 year old was also a bit of a fussy one from about the age of 3 until the last few months. Suddenly like a previous poster said, he had a bit of a lightbulb moment and will now eat a vast amount of things he wouldn't before. He still has a few hard nos - but we also have those as adults so i accept them and he eats with us no probs now

I agree with you. I was anorexic in my twenties following a series of tragedies. As a result I read up a lot on anorexia. I would never let food be a battleground for control. We will always let them have toast or something if they don't like the food. They don't have to finish what's on their plate.

Just to add as well I've always been laid back about clearing the plate and giving my kids autonomy to choose - but what I have always done is serve what we're eating with a slight modification, so for example if we're having curry, I will serve it to them with a "safe" food like a waffle or potato wedges and veg they like so they can try foods without feeling forced. And still being full. That always worked well for us and no trouble to do x

Saying 'this approach is for children without special needs' is a bit pointless because it can be very difficult to know if your child's eating issues are due to autusm or arfid etc. My ds has had eating issues since he was baby. Health visitors said it would get better, keep trying new foods etc. Nothing helped except letting him eat how he wants to. He's now 11 and still struggles with food and is underweight. He does not have autism and I'd never heard of arfid until a couple of years ago. He fits all the criteria but getting a diagnosis is almost impossible. The gp doesn't seem to know anything about arfid, I knew more than she did. I have cried many times about his struggles with food wondering if it is my fault somehow (my other ds eats 'normally'). I tried all the 'fussy eater' strategies but they just made him worse. You just don't always know if they have a 'special need'.

No. Some children are just fussy.
My eldest is a nightmare. Gags on textures, hates trying new things, tiny portions - although oddly good with green veg and fruit which is helpful. But she is tiny and under a dietician to try to gain weight.
Second child is a brilliant adventurous eater, bouncy toddler on the 75th centile.
We did nothing differently.
Incidentally they both have allergies and carry epi pens. I assumed that was responsible for my eldest's food fear, but that hasn't translated

I have spoken to a number of adults who now know they have oral allergy syndrome and are very angry at how much they suffered as children because people thought they were fussy or used strict parenting techniques to make them eat foods that caused huge discomfort

www.allergyuk.org/resources/oral-allergy-syndrome-pollen-food-syndrome-factsheet/

OP, I have done much like what you gave described with food and meals with my 3.

1 is completely casual about food, has a relaxed attitude, no stress associated with food whatsoever. Eats the full spectrum of food and all different varieties.

Second child refused any variety other than a very basic pasta dish cooked a certain way. It has been a relentless battle to increase tolerance to even accepting certain foods on the table. Smells are triggering, texture is triggering, food touching is triggering. None of the 'old school' methods work and DC will not eat which then leads to a viscous cycle of feeling nauseous around food because of hunger but refusal to eat. DC has sat with other child their entire life and has had all of the 'correct modelling' from us as parents. Aged 13, they eat enough to survive and have a few meals they will eat at restaurants, but that's it.

Third child, is impossible to know if they observed their sibling and followed suit but also is highly sensitive to smell, texture and strong tastes. Will at least try a little bit of something that's not from the usual list. Would also starve rather than eat something such as a Shepherd pie (everything is mixed and gross).

We get by by having meals that are made up of individual ingredients, eg last night was lamb chops, rice, vegetables. I plate up endears and add coleslaw, some sauce over the chops. The other two take a plate and select from the food dishes whatever they want and will likely eat, anything that appears bad ie a burnt edge, a floppy or less than perfect appearance gets rejected. I have no idea how they'd last in a rationing situation but what's the point in worrying about that. It is what it is and perhaps one day it will stop even being an issue.

I just reject the idea that it's the parents that create fussy eating. Myself and DH love food, cooking, bbq'ing, baking etc and the kids all join in but react differently to the final product!

We have two children who are adventurous eaters despite our non-pushy style and two who are fairly restricted eaters. One has been diagnosed with autism. One has severe food allergies and food pollen syndrome/oral allergy syndrome.

I have one child who will try everything and eat things he's not a huge fan of every so often. Other is beige food central.
Youngest became much fussier as a teen.

I think the key is to keep the pressure off within reason. Mealtimes won't become huge issues and will be more pleasant for everyone. There's a good chance you'll lose a battle of the wills.

I would never force feed a child like my mum did.
I'm in my 40s and I still resent her for it, I vividly remember absolutely begging and crying hysterically whilst she shoved things in my mouth and screamed at me to "fucking eat it!"
I'm an overweight adult now, I binge on nice foods and have real problems with textures and temperatures. I can "perform" if eating out but I still gag on certain things, I just hide it well and gulp water.
Left to my own devices, I'd have got there. I love all sorts of foods that my mum can't believe I even tried.
I just couldn't imagine forcing a begging child to eat until they vomit. (Through my nose by the way, mouth was held shut)
Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure what my post brings to this discussion. It was just abusive wasn't it?

We do a tapas style meal once a week. There's always lots of familiar food and always some new bits too. Often the restricted eaters (allergies /autism) stick to what they know, but every now and then they will ask to try one of the new foods. It's totally no pressure and our adventurous eaters love it.

Questions for all the smug folk.

Did you cure your fussy child with your methods?

Interested to hear your actual experience of living with a fussy child. As opposed to your assumptions.

That’s really interesting, both me and my mum react like that to celery and less so to a few other bits.

I understand why you think that way, but I think you're wrong.

My nephew's child is growing up in a very rural community overseas. They have enough to eat but they are not wealthy by any means. They grow all of their own food, so the choice of things to eat is inevitably limited. They have no access to junk food etc. The child persistent refuses to eat most vegetables and most proteins - he lives mainly on carbs, dairy and some fruit. His parents are constantly on at him to eat more variety, but he won't. He is very small for his age.

My dd was pretty fussy as a small child, and I probably did pander to her a bit. She will eat anything now, though (except meat, but that's because we're vegetarian).

YABU there are many reasons why some kids are fussy eaters and your approach wouldn't work with mine. They say healthy children won't starve, they'll eat eventually, but what about children who aren't? If I took your approach they would starve themselves and end up in hospital. All mine had severe gut issues and reflux that has made them scared of eating because it's caused them great pain in the past even though it doesn't now. I see people like you judging us without knowing our journey. Focus on your own kids and stop judging others.

Ah yes, that must be it. Shit parenting must be the cause of my sons extremely restrictive diet. Not his ASD, his sensory issues, the fact that he’s terrified of anything new. Shit parenting is definitely what causes fussy eaters.

My children are the type that will starve before eating my beautifully prepared from scratch food. I try and do a mixture, some days is proper food and some chicken nuggets. The five year old is slowly becoming more adventurous so I have hope!

My parents were the "eat what you're given and clear your plate" types and I ended up terribly ill with anorexia so I'm keen not to put any pressure on my own

@Maedan same here, I tried following the dieticians advice of he won’t starve himself… he did for two days before I couldn’t take it anymore and fed him “safe” foods. Discharged ourselves from the dietician and decided fuck it, a child that eats even if it is just plane pasta is better than a child that will starve to death.

Yes I think there will be a lot of people out there who don't realise they have this.

And a lot of children who can't articulate how painful some raw fruit /veg feel to eat. And so are dismissed as "fussy"

Fussy eating and how it's defined are slightly cultural though.

For example as a kid I wasn't a fussy eater at all at my parents house where I was familiar with the menu, my parents would have confidently bragged about it. However when I went to a friend's house who had a more Mediterranean style diet eg with more fish, feta and olives etc I was suddenly a very fussy eater!

Kids often become more familiar with the palate of their parents so its hard to judge . The classic example is there's a Disney film in which the kids spits out brocoli, which was changed for another veg in another countries because that audience where it was assumed kids love brocoli.

Im a big cook and veggie. Whenever I invite people for dinner people always tell me "oh I eat everything" then when offered food suddenly have a huge list of foods they don't eat . I invited 6 adults for dinner last week and all of them had some issue with 4 different meals I suggested despite not viewing them self as fussy because they eat their own food at home.

My kids would literally starve then eat something they dislike, they both have adhd/ASD so it’s a sensory issue.
I was also a “fussy” eater as a child but I would be physically sick even at the thought of eating certain foods.
I also don’t agree with forcing anyone to eat something they don’t want to, it risks creating an awful relationship with food and could lead to eating disorders in the future.
My DH refuses to eat veg due to the horrible memories he has of being forced to eat them as a child so it certainly doesn’t “fix” fussy eating.

My kids eat almost anything. They are amazingly unfussy about food. We do all the things you’re supposed to do e.g eat for meals every day at a table, all eat the same thing together, model eating foods, encourage trying new things.

BUT as someone who is also a parent of an autistic child who find all kinds of other things hard despite my best parenting efforts, I am very loathed to think that all fussy children are as a result of parenting.

My theory is that many children can be made fussy by not being fed a wide range of healthy options but that some children will be ‘fussy’ for reasons outside of our control even if we do absolutely everything right.

Judgement is almost never helpful.

There are ways to reach this outcome without making food such an emotive issue.

This causes so many arguments between me and my husband. We’re both from very strict households in regards to food but we’ve come out of it different ways. I have a bad eating disorder and am keen not to let the same happen to my kids.

Our daughter doesn’t like rice. So if we have curry I’ll just chuck a bit of pasta on for her. I don’t see the issue with this but my husband thinks it’s madness. His mum would make him eat the same meal every meal time until it was gone. So if he didn’t eat it for dinner he had it for breakfast, then lunch, then dinner etc. it would just keep being out back in the fridge.