Teacher lying or son lying

[Gudinne]

Just looking for some advice. My son is four. On Friday after school he told me that his ear was sore because he had accidentally popped a small stone down it at school that morning. I asked if he had told a teacher, he said yes and told me which teacher he had told. It wasn't his normal class teacher who he said was not in school on Friday. I asked him what the teacher had said when he told her, he can't remember what she said but she didn't look in his ear. I couldn't see anything in his ear but took him to A&E where they removed a small stone from his ear. He is fine, no damage done.

I emailed school about this and asked in future if any staff become aware of anything that means my child needs medical attention they let me know immediately.

School has responded to say the teacher said my son never told her he had a stone in his ear. I believe my son and can't think of any reason why he would lie.

What if any further action should I take? His dad and my sis reckon do nothing as the teacher will just maintain her position so it's her word against that of my son. They reckon that there are probably teachers just like her in every school.

Totally. I’m currently off with work related stress due to many factors to do with my job (teacher). One being the horrific behaviour and violence. Another being that parents phone in over every tiny thing and in no situation could it ever possibly be the child’s fault. It has led to me developing anxiety to the point that I wasn’t able to go to work without taking medication. I almost had a breakdown and had to take time off. Now I’m sure they will all be complaining that I’m not there.

Let’s assume a professional is trying to do her best for the kids in her care. Don’t let her be another one joining the Facebook group I’m part of (along with 120k teachers), trying to leave the profession, many for the exact same reasons as me.

It is no one’s fault, please just leave it and buy her a bottle of wine as I’m sure she’s up to her eyes in it.

What possible reason would the teacher have to lie? To spite you? To hope your son gets an ear infection? Honestly, why would you even think that?

And can I say that the adversarial attitude that you, your husband and your sister have got will is utterly bizarre and will do your son no favours whatsoever in the many years he has ahead of him in school.

I would be pretty surprised if this message was communicated cleary to the teacher and she/he shrugged it off and got on with their day. It's much more likely that your 4yo version of what happened isn't quite correct. His memory of what happened may be different to the teacher's. He isn't necessarily lying but may just not have remembered what actually happened.

You're going to be a delight at parents' evenings. "My precious son cannot physically tell a lie!"

Your son knew he was in trouble so he told you he told a teacher to try and avoid the trouble . He didn’t know he should have told the teacher until you asked him if he had ..

And can I say that the adversarial attitude that you, your husband and your sister have got will is utterly bizarre and will do your son no favours whatsoever in the many years he has ahead of him in school

This^ you have no idea how your son told a teacher. He may have spoke to her when she was doing 100 other things. I'm surprised you took this approach rather than feel awkward hat your son stuck a stone in his ear and ended up needing nursing care...now you want to blame teachers. Take some responsibility and be grateful that he didn't do more harm to himself.

Nobody accidently pops a stone in their ear. I'd concentrate on telling him not to do such silly and dangerous things.

I will believe your son. My son was bullied for months and the teacher pretended not to see and hear that till I got involved Deputy head in case. Always but always have your kids back. Teachers are strangers and I'm sorry not all of them doing their job properly. Some of them are tired and demotivated and they don't care. I also caught the teacher a few times for not telling me all the details about accidents at school. For example my son was pushed from climbing bars and really hurt himself i had to pick him up from school immediately, but the accident form said something completely different, and the teacher made weird jokes about how he could fall like that. When I confronted her the next day after my son told me he was pushed. She admitted that he was pushed. Crazy.

It was most likely a misunderstanding.

You know your child, and he probably did think he told the teacher, but you will never know. Maybe he tried to but it was noisy/ she was busy.
He's also very young and sometimes our questioning can prompt their answers..
eg. What teacher did you tell? Gives name.
Did she look in your ear? No.
What did she say? Don't remember (this question is much more difficult to answer).

I can't see why the teacher would ignore him if he had told her. It would be a very odd thing to do.

Children don't usually lie but they do try and please / give the right answer. You should have said "did anything happen after you put the stone in your ear?" Or "what happened next?" if you day "did you tell the teacher ?" Of course he'll say "yes" because he wants to please you!

We see this time and time again and work. Often the story doesn't add up and is completely inaccurate but they have misremembered or tried to please their parent by giving what they think is the right answer.

Your son has probably told you what he thinks you want to hear, not what he actually did.

I asked him what the teacher had said when he told her, he can't remember what she said but she didn't look in his ear

This says it all.
WHY on EARTH would a teacher deliberately ignore a child with a medical issue? SURELY she would know it would fall back on her. He is 4, he either didn't tell her or he didn't make himself clear, he is only a baby at that age. Sure he has no idea what she said back to him.

YABVU

Next week on Mumsnet

‘Why can’t my child’s school recruit any teachers or teaching assistants?’

I imagine this scenario went something like

DS: Guess what Mrs Teacher; I've got something in my ear

Teacher (who is actually dealing with something else and only half listening) That's nice dear

DS was correct he "told" the teacher; teacher is equally correct that he didn't

As some PP said, 4yo are notoriously unable to tell you what has happened in their day so I’m not surprised he can’t tell you what happened after he told the teacher.

My take on that is that putting a stone in your ear is an unusual thing to do. The teacher probably asked him if it hurts. It didn’t so left it at that. Thinking that either it was a non issue or the chid was mistaken. Prob didn’t help if the teacher didn’t know him well either.
This would mean the teacher in their head didn’t take any notice of the incident and have no recollection of it. Because fir them, this was never an incident and there was no stone there in the first place!
Or they might be trying to protect their own back who knows….

Id let it go.
The teacher will know (regardless of whether they didn’t check well enough or they lied) and you won’t get much further by going back to the school.

I’m nit sure a4yo would do that tbh. I mean you are talking about a young reception child there.
A 6yo definitively would.

I work with pre-school children. Sometimes their speech is something you tune into. Perhaps, whilst his usual teacher may have understood, someone else may not. Is his speech clear?

he can't remember what she said but she didn't look in his ear. I couldn't see anything in his ear but took him to A&E where they removed a small stone from his ear.

Really?

Have you been to A&E recently. Four hour waiting times in the middle of the day are not unusual.

I promise you, no one, especially not a teacher used to dealing with children, would take a child to A&E without checking there really was something lodged there.

Staff in schools are very stretched, who would cover the class while a teacher was away? The teacher would have had to find someone to cover, that would at least involved telling the school office. In the unlikely event that the teacher had not checked the ear, of course someone else would do so, before finding cover for someone to cover the class.

If the child was actually seen at A&E, there will be a record of that. If not, how did the stone get removed?

I'm not saying they would never take a child to A&E but ....

That's a bright child you have there. With the right direction, they will go far.

I would assume that whether your son told her or not, that she didnt understand or hear him.
I can understand a childs motive for not admitting theyve put a stone in their ear, and i could easily imagine not hearing every squeak a 4 year old says when you are teaching a whole class of them.
I dont know why youd think that teacher would lie and just decide not to tell you?

I guess most probably neither is lying. At four, it's very possible that he did say something to the teacher but the teacher understood something else.

Exactly, but let's not let such explanations get in the way of a good old "teacher-bash."

I would say he didn’t tell her.
I’ve had this with parents coming to say ‘Billy did this and he told you’ when Billy absolutely did not tell me!

The OP’s issue is that she wanted to be contacted, not that she wanted her DS to have been taken personally by the teacher to hospital.

(Just to clear things up in case you think a teacher would go to A&E with the child, because in 99% of cases they wouldn’t: If a child had a medical issue at school that needed a trip to A&E the office would contact whoever is named on the child’s info sheet to come and collect them and take them in. If it was a proper emergency job with an ambulance arriving before the parent/guardian it still wouldn’t be the teacher who travelled in the ambulance but more likely a member of SLT or support staff ie someone without a class.)

He told you, so your system works. The teacher probably didn’t hear or misheard.

Believe your son. The teacher has too much to gain by lying and everything to lose by admitting her mistake.