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Original poster

Teenage daughter can't stand to be touched by her parents

114 replies

Ky2 · 13/03/2023 12:55

My daughter hates any physical contact with me. She rejects any kind of affection from me. She cringes at the slightest touch from me for whatever reason. She's much the same with her Dad but she greets all her friends with hugs. She started rejecting my hugs and affection around 12/13 years old and it's only gotten worse. She's now almost 19.
I had reluctantly accepted that she just doesn't like touch - until at her 18th birthday party I saw happy to hug all her friends.

Tonight she fell and hurt herself and was crying. Naturally I ran to comfort her. Knowing she would reject a hug I put my hand lightly on her shoulder. She cringed away from my touch and gave me such a look of loathing. This is how it always is and it breaks my heart every time that I can't comfort her and she seems to hate me.
My husband says the fact that she likes to watch TV with me and talk my ear off about the cat is proof that she doesn't hate me. But then if I try to hug her or touch her hair she acts like I'm a vile leper.

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piedbeauty · 13/03/2023 22:53

This sounds really odd, op, and I'd find this really hard. It doesn't sound like she doesn't like hugs; sounds like she doesn't like hugs from you.

I'd be so hurt. I wonder if she is telling you the truth, that she hasn't been abused and you haven't done anything to upset her?

Big hugs (!) OP; it sounds really upsetting.

Original poster

Ky2 · 14/03/2023 01:23

6daysaweek · 13/03/2023 15:31

Asking her if she feels like you’ve molested her because she doesn’t want to hug you is all kinds of fucked up and I’m gobsmacked by that, what were you thinking?!

not because she doesn't want to be hugged - as I keep saying - because she is afraid of all physical contact from her parents. But also because of a few of other major things that can result from sexual abuse - that I won't go into here

OP posts:

Original poster

Ky2 · 14/03/2023 01:30

Tiny2018 · 13/03/2023 16:24

My 16yo DD is exactly the same. Now I just pop into her room once a day and ask if she would like a hug today and occasionally get a yes. Other times she looks at me like I've asked her to roll in pig shit.

So your daughter is only occasionally the same. Mine has not said yes in 7 years

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MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2023 01:33

I hate hugs unless I’ve initiated them. I know that’s selfish, but they make me deeply uncomfortable. I’m quite different with small children though, perhaps because their hugs are spontaneous and expectation free. I don’t know.

Original poster

Ky2 · 14/03/2023 01:52

AnImaginaryCat · 13/03/2023 19:27

Yes, you are sounding needy because this is all about you. You have informed us that you have repeatedly wanted hugs from your daughteer despite knowing it's not want she wanted. It's not "completely cold" to respect a person’s boundaries.

If you're at the point where she gives looks (you are interpreting as loathing, treating you like a leper and the other descriptions you given them) then she's reached the elastic limit of you repeatedly never respecting her boundaries. Accumulated frustration, because you do know she doesn't like hugs yet keep expecting them.

You need to accept a way to express emotion to her other than physical touch. Such as watching TV with her or taking to her about her cat.

I'd say it's advisable too not to accuse her of acting like you've molested her or that she's at fault somehow for not wanting to hug you.

Show quote history

You are wrong in thinking that I am not respecting her boundaries and forcing hugs on her - even though I have said that is not the case. I don't hug her! In the past 6 years I maybe ask for a hug once a year and don't force it. Before you accuse me of being needy and disrespectful you should have read my post properly

OP posts:

Original poster

Ky2 · 14/03/2023 02:08

BeeBB · 13/03/2023 17:57

DD18 was extremely cuddly and affectionate when younger but around 12-13 she refused any touch or affection and can even take upset with a smile or a look in her direction.

She isn’t like this with friends. Her brother 19 when home from Uni will give us a kiss goodnight or when leaving but not DD. I wonder if she is autistic but can’t broach the subject with her as being in her company is like walking on eggshells frightened to say or do the wrong thing for fear of her kicking off.

Mine are exactly the same

OP posts:

AnImaginaryCat · 14/03/2023 08:46

Ky2 · 14/03/2023 01:52

Show quote history

Didn't say you were "forcing" her. - and that's probably the issue, you don't think you aren't respecting her boundaries.

She doesn't want to be tactile with you. You know that. Not being touched, that's her boundary Sorry it hurts.

I did read your post properly, you referenced her giving you looks of loathing (in various descriptions). Seeing you've only asked for a hug once a year for the past six years, does that mean you've only had six looks of loathing? Evidently I interpreted it wrong, as it seemed far more frequent in your posts.

Honoraryuce · 14/03/2023 09:13

@Ky2
I pretended pretty hard that I was happy hugging friends etc I would have hoped that that no one could tell.

Fizbosshoes · 14/03/2023 09:19

I think its hard, @Ky2
I find it difficult when my DD is upset and my instinct is to comfort her with a hug and she shrugs it away, because to her that is not comfort. My dad didn't really do affection or hugs, and to me and siblings that also felt difficult if you were upset and felt like you needed a hug (because you wouldn't get one!)

I think the thread has attracted lots of people who are not tactile, and do not like hugs. And I realise that people are different in their needs/wants for physical affection. Sone people have reasons (past trauma, abuse, difficult relationships etc) for not wanting to hug, others simply don't like that level of closeness.

But I think it must feel more of a rejection for OP that her DD accepts (and potentially gives) affection from others and only refuses hugs from her. My DD doesn't like hugs from anyone, and tolerates them from other family because she feels too awkward to ask them not to - although I have intervened before!

inventinglouise · 14/03/2023 09:37

Agree that the issue is that you don't realise you're violating her boundaries by touching her - you've stopped hugging her, but you still touch her, and the language that you use is "she won't even let me do that" - but that's the very thing she's asked you not to do.
I hug my mum hello and goodbye, but I will not let her touch me, I find it infantalising and worse than a hug.

ThatSparklyLemonGoose · 13/01/2026 23:00

How do you deal with this as I am so broken as a parent who had the best relationship with her daughter and now she hates me, has slapped me kicked me

piedbeauty · 14/01/2026 07:30

I’d talk to her about this. It seems so extreme.

Like you, I’d be so hurt if my dd or ds acted like that. They are adults and still love cuddles…

Glitterbiscuits · 14/01/2026 10:50

@Ky2Did things change for you both since you made this post?

MarioLink · 14/01/2026 11:02

I was like this. I didn't really want to hug my friends either but it was expected and the normal thing to do when trying to fit in and have friends. Now I'm older my closest friend knows not to hug me but my wider friendship group hug and it seems rude not to hug back.

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