Teenage daughter can't stand to be touched by her parents

[Ky2]

My daughter hates any physical contact with me. She rejects any kind of affection from me. She cringes at the slightest touch from me for whatever reason. She's much the same with her Dad but she greets all her friends with hugs. She started rejecting my hugs and affection around 12/13 years old and it's only gotten worse. She's now almost 19.
I had reluctantly accepted that she just doesn't like touch - until at her 18th birthday party I saw happy to hug all her friends.

Tonight she fell and hurt herself and was crying. Naturally I ran to comfort her. Knowing she would reject a hug I put my hand lightly on her shoulder. She cringed away from my touch and gave me such a look of loathing. This is how it always is and it breaks my heart every time that I can't comfort her and she seems to hate me.
My husband says the fact that she likes to watch TV with me and talk my ear off about the cat is proof that she doesn't hate me. But then if I try to hug her or touch her hair she acts like I'm a vile leper.

How do you touch her? Is it gently? DS has ASD and will let very few people touch him because they all do it gently and that feels painful for him. He will only let me and one of his friends touch him because we do it firmly (I had to learn how to touch him, his friend is 5 though so that comes with naturally firm touching!)

I honestly would not worry about this ! It could just be her boundaries, personality. I am very similar and have been from around the same age. Now nearly in my 30’s. I still don’t hug my parent evt however, feel obliged with friends if they go in for a hug, or I am comfortable enough to hug my partner. Some people just do not like this kind of affection, which is totally fine. Please don’t take any of it personal !

Thanks for your responses! So many so fast!

"it's very common for teenagers to go through a phase of disdain for their parents.... She just doesn't want to hug you right now. Very likely it will wear off in time."
7 years seems like more than just a phase!

She was very affectionate as a little girl but started rejecting me around 12 yrs of age - 6-7 years ago. I don't think she's just putting up with hugs from her friends. I asked her about it last year and she said her friends can hug her because they do it lightly but I can't because I would hold her close. But it if even touch her lightly with just a fingertip she cringes so it's not really about pressure or amount, just me.
She had a girlfriend 2 years ago and they would snuggle up close to watch TV and have close hugs so it is personal rejection of me not all touch.

I do respect her right to choose and never force hugs or touch on her so I have had just a few hugs in the last 5 years. So she's not rejecting it because I'm forcing it on her or expecting it.

She lavishes all her affection on her cat. With the cat she is super affectionate and huggy.

It's not just that she doesn't want me to hug her, it's the look of loathing and revulsion she gets from the slightest contact with me.
I have asked her if anyone ever molested her, or if she feels I had somehow. She says no

I am a bit like this with my mum, who is very lovely but a bit needy and over the years I started to find it unbearable. I am very affectionate with others but I feel like my tolerance for her squeezes, strokes and “sloppy kisses” wore off as I was in my teens. It gives me the ick a bit now but I do what I can to tolerate it as I know she needs it.

I was like that with my parents. A lot of teenagers are like that. Don’t make a big deal of it.

As a kid I had to push my sister away because she was over the top with affection for me but my daughter didn't have that reason. I was never needy like that. When my daughter was a little girl we both enjoyed cuddles and kisses but as she wanted less I never pushed it so I virtually haven't hugged or kissed her in 6 years because she doesn't want it!

I am not a hugger I can’t stand it it makes me cringe, even from my own mother and family. If I have to socially hug family it’s just an awkward pat and I’m ready to run 😳 it’s not from a place of hatred it’s just my personal boundary, I show affection in other ways and your daughter may be similar.

My parents didn't hug me as a Child and now I hate physical contact except for my OH. As PP have said if friends were to hug me I just do it but I don't like it. She's just comfortable enough to show it with you.

My parents weren't the hugging type and certainly as a teenager I would rather have chopped my own leg off than be hugged by them. In later years when.i became a mother myself I used to hug my mum when leaving her house.
I think it might be an adolescent thing. It seems that age around 13 a switch is activated and parents become the "enemy"

My 13 yo is like this

I think it's normal 😔

Occasionally she randomly comes for a hug though which is nice

I honestly think it's a normal part of aging. Teenagers are meant to pull away from parents as it's an instinctual way of being more indecent and cutting the apron strings.
It's a natural process and kids will automatically become less affectionate with parents.

It doesn't mean that they don't love you, it's just a part of growing up.

Everyone is saying that maybe she just doesn't like hugs but you're missing the point. It's not just that she doesn't want me to hug her, it's the look of loathing and revulsion she gets from the slightest contact with me. Like if I pluck a piece of grass or fluff off her shoulder she'll flinch away and give me a dirty look because she so abhors ANY contact with me.
You'll all saying its normal to not like hugging your parents but no one is saying it's normal to give your mum a look of pure loathing if her fingertips touch your arm

This is me. You can tell the people I'm genuinely close to as they know I would prefer not to be hugged.

I don't think its a natural part of growing up to go from enjoying lots of affection with your parents to flinching away in horror at the slightest touch

This is not my daughter. She genuinely likes hugging her friends

OP this was me.

What can I say? In my teenage years I had moments of complete ick and revulsion for my mother. If she touched me I’d tense up or shrug her off.

I was very happy to hug my friends.

Yes, we had some issues but nothing drastic.

It improved in my 20s and she’s very involved and hands on with our lives and her grandchildren.

Honestly, OP - you're sounding a bit needy here and that in itself is may be pushing her away. She's a teenager, she's learning her boundaries and if she doesn't want to hug her mum, that's ok and not unusual.

This is pretty normal tbh.

So sorry you are going through this, it must be very hurtful. And sorry so many PPs are just completely misunderstanding/not reading what you have said.

Sadly this is me and it’s been over 20 years and I’m still the same. I can’t even say “I love you” to her, I have to say “lots of love” when I hang up the phone. Mother’s Day and birthday cards have to be kept relatively simple and not over the top with lovely
poems etc in them. I am like this with no one else, in fact I am positively tactile with most people and very affectionate with my own children and DH.

My advice is therapy if it is something that continues and is troubling both of you. I didn’t realise why I was like this until a professional started digging round in my head with me, so at least I now understand it and can manage it better.

I have asked her if anyone ever molested her, or if she feels I had somehow. She says no

Oh no. Please don't put this on your DD. Like there must be something wrong and traumatic if she doesn't want you to touch her. That does imply that there is something wrong with her physical boundaries and that may be playing into a vicious circle.

I was the same. There was no trauma. Probably just a fairly far edge of 'normal' pulling away. Which is healthy and good.

Sit down with her and explore her feelings about physical touch with you. Ask her why she reacts like this as you have a right to know. Also explain how hurt this makes you feel. She's old enough for this conversation

moments of complete ick and revulsion? Do you mean some of the times she touched you you'd feel ick and shrug her off - or every time for your whole teenage years?

Why? Just when you had issues with her or even when you were getting along fine?

Last time I hugged my teen 18 when when he had flu and asked for hug as he felt so awful.

I think it's perfectly normal to not want to hug your mum or dad at that age! Or teens in general

It's the talking, support and understanding that they crave.

moments of complete ick and revulsion? Do you mean some of the times she touched you you'd feel ick and shrug her off - or every time for your whole teenage years?

I felt this. No trauma. She was pretty needy and emotionally incontinent and it was probably partially a defense mechanism.