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Original poster

Teenage daughter can't stand to be touched by her parents

114 replies

Ky2 · 13/03/2023 12:55

My daughter hates any physical contact with me. She rejects any kind of affection from me. She cringes at the slightest touch from me for whatever reason. She's much the same with her Dad but she greets all her friends with hugs. She started rejecting my hugs and affection around 12/13 years old and it's only gotten worse. She's now almost 19.
I had reluctantly accepted that she just doesn't like touch - until at her 18th birthday party I saw happy to hug all her friends.

Tonight she fell and hurt herself and was crying. Naturally I ran to comfort her. Knowing she would reject a hug I put my hand lightly on her shoulder. She cringed away from my touch and gave me such a look of loathing. This is how it always is and it breaks my heart every time that I can't comfort her and she seems to hate me.
My husband says the fact that she likes to watch TV with me and talk my ear off about the cat is proof that she doesn't hate me. But then if I try to hug her or touch her hair she acts like I'm a vile leper.

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Pointeless · 13/03/2023 18:06

That must hurt op. I think all you can do is respect her wishes, and accept that everyone is different, I'm sure it doesn't reflect how much she loves you. However I also think she is old enough enough and should respect you enough to reflect on it and give you a clear explanation.

Magenta65 · 13/03/2023 18:09

I’m like this. Hate people touching me and in my space. I avoid it if it can nothing personal hust
dont like being touched. I often hug friends back etc to be socially accepted but never initiate it, it’s not you or her it’s just how she is. Perhaps ask her why, she’s an adult who
should be able to tell you

user40816 · 13/03/2023 18:10

Reallybadidea · 13/03/2023 13:09

I was like this with my parents, I still am. I don't know exactly why and I'm not saying that it's the same for your daughter, but it was a reflection on our relationship. Lots of arguments and being told how awful I was. Why would I want them to hug me the rest of the time?

I'm the same in my 30s with my mum.

I suspect it goes back to times in my much younger life when I wanted reassurance and comfort from her in a situation where I was dysregulated and was ignored. I grew up to be extremely independent and will withdraw from people when I'm struggling because I felt growing up that I had to rely on myself to "self settle" and so still do.

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ApolloandDaphne · 13/03/2023 18:21

My DD2 is not much of a hugger. DD1 is a big hugger. I fall somewhere in the middle. We all know we love each other and respect the others wishes.

Autienotnautie · 13/03/2023 18:22

My dd is like this. I think it's quite normal. She started it about 13/14 and is slightly better now at 20. We are very close though and talk/hangout all the time. If patiently wait it out there's loads of ways to be close without physically touching

MargaretBall · 13/03/2023 18:42

This is not uncommon - many people do not like being touched/ hugged. Tactile defensiveness or hypersensitivity is the reaction that occurs when someone is very sensitive to touch . It may be different with friends if she initiates it and is prepared for the hug. You need to respect her on this, this hyper sensitivity means hugs are physically irritating and uncomfortable. It is however not a rejection of you - focus on the other ways you mentioned that you showed affection. It may or may not dissipate as she gets older .

VaulterTech · 13/03/2023 19:11

I’m like this and I’m 40 now. I like hugging and kissing my husband, and I will hug friends but I think mainly as it’s expected of me. I do wonder if I’m autistic.

I was very touchy with my mum when I was small, would sit close to her on the sofa etc, but as I hit puberty I just stopped. Someone up thread mentioned being self sufficient and I was very much that, I wouldn’t really go to my parents with problems etc, and certainly haven’t since I was a teenager.

it sounds as though you generally have a great relationship with your daughter so I’d focus on that.

LaGiaconda · 13/03/2023 19:20

I think that to, say, pick a food crumb off her sleeve is lacking in respect. It's what you'd do to a baby or a small child. This isn't something you'd normally do with someone who is adult sized.

You can't have the child back who you used to hug and cuddle. She has gone. What you have is a new person and you have to find new ways of relating to her.

If you want some creature to touch all the time, you'll need to get a kitten.

I'm saying this as the mother of a young woman in her mid-twenties. Dealing with the separation has felt painful in some ways, but in other ways we have a close relationship - that's based more around talking and doing stuff together when we meet up.

It may be that if you let go that she will, on occasion come back for the occasional hug. But it really does have to be on her terms.

AnImaginaryCat · 13/03/2023 19:27

Ky2 · 13/03/2023 14:34

I'm needy because I want to comfort your daughter when she's hurt and crying?? Needy because I'm sad that I have had one or two hugs in the last 6 years?
Or needy because I don't want her to look at me with revulsion if I lay a finger on her?
I guess you think a healthy non-needy mum would be completely cold to her daughter even when she's crying.

Show quote history

Yes, you are sounding needy because this is all about you. You have informed us that you have repeatedly wanted hugs from your daughteer despite knowing it's not want she wanted. It's not "completely cold" to respect a person’s boundaries.

If you're at the point where she gives looks (you are interpreting as loathing, treating you like a leper and the other descriptions you given them) then she's reached the elastic limit of you repeatedly never respecting her boundaries. Accumulated frustration, because you do know she doesn't like hugs yet keep expecting them.

You need to accept a way to express emotion to her other than physical touch. Such as watching TV with her or taking to her about her cat.

I'd say it's advisable too not to accuse her of acting like you've molested her or that she's at fault somehow for not wanting to hug you.

SeulementUneFois · 13/03/2023 19:33

Nimrode · 13/03/2023 15:04

@OP It doesn't seem you are being listened to much. Most save for a few, seem intent on projecting their own experiences and completely or purposefully ignoring the point you are making and the more you try to explain the more they come back with, 'You're just needy!'.

I am very sorry for what you are going through, it sounds very very tough and your DD seems like she is being very unkind. Her behaviour is unexplainable and to be frank sounds rather 'attention seeking', I think all you can do for now is not touch her at all and leave out all conversations about why? as you have already explored this and nothing has come from it? Leave her and hope one day she might reflect.

this sounds so tough OP.
I would agree with the above - what else can you do but nothing?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 13/03/2023 19:37

I'm in my 40s. I loathe people touching me. I used to tolerate my friends doing so because I didn't want to seem "weird" but I didn't think I needed to fake it with family. There are plenty of ways to comfort someone without physically touching them, especially when touch is far from comforting.

These days, my kids are basically the only ones who I'm OK with hugging me.

latetothefisting · 13/03/2023 19:41

CoalCraft · 13/03/2023 16:21

I understand that this is hurtful for you OP but you know she doesn't want you to touch her and she knows you know this, so from her perspective you waited until she was vulnerable (sore and crying) to do something to her that she didn't want (touch her). Of course she was upset.

This is a fair point.

handsoffate · 13/03/2023 19:41

My mum is like this, I’ve never had a hug from her in my whole life, afaik. I assume it’s down to personality.

rainyalan · 13/03/2023 19:42

I'm another one that hates being touched or hugged unless it's from a partner.

Xrays · 13/03/2023 19:58

My dd is 19 and is exactly the same. Hugs her friends but the most we ever get is an awkward side hug when we collect her from university or she goes back! To be honest it doesn’t bother me, I’m not a hugger either and she has a great, close relationship with us - me and dh- but just doesn’t like us to touch her. And that’s fine. She hugs her friends a lot because I think it’s what they all do at her age. I think you might be reading too much into it all.

Thepossibility · 13/03/2023 20:16

My DD is like this but she has told me she's just not a hugger. She doesn't like it. She hugs her friends because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings but is honest with me.
I think it's fine and just tell her I love her even more in place of a cuddle.

notthisagainforest · 13/03/2023 20:30

I wouldn't worry about it. My daughter is the same I havnt touched her for years

Flowersflowers121 · 13/03/2023 20:37

I was (and still am at 32) like this with my family for some reason. Wouldn't be able to tell you why haha, but even if I'm visiting them and we're watching TV together, if their foot leans against my thigh or something, I have to ask them to move it. Just a weird irrational thing of hating being touched.

I do have misophonia also (hate the noise of people eating or breathing too loud, or scratching loudly etc). Might tie in with that or something? Who knows haha

I'll also add I'm fine with my husband and hugging friends etc, weirdly. Haha I also don't hate my family at all, so not to do with that

highstep · 13/03/2023 20:44

I've been the same since I was a teenager. Even now I really don't like hugging my parents (or anyone except my husband and kids, as a teen I'd hug friends as it was the done thing but I hated it!) I'm close to my parents, it's not personal, I just hate the hugging thing, I don't know why, I was very cuddly as a child.

Nat6999 · 13/03/2023 20:47

I'm like that, I even found it hard to hug ds when he was young. I'm autistic & it's the only thing I can think of, I wasn't abused as a child, I just don't like to be touched.

ittakes2 · 13/03/2023 20:52

My daughter has OCD and does not like to be touched although she hugs her friends its only because she thinks socially its expected of her.

lunar1 · 13/03/2023 20:54

I can't stand physical touch from my parents, it's a reflection on the way I was parented. I can't help it, it's completely involuntary.

It's the complete opposite of my relationship with my teen sons.

hiredandsqueak · 13/03/2023 21:03

As a family we aren't big on hugs. Dd1 never liked being hugged I remember her standing with her arms out as a teenager when her friends approached saying "I don't do hugs" Now she's older we have a token embrace as she leaves after visiting. She knows I love her and I know she loves me we don't need a hug to confirm that. If your dd happily spends time with you then I don't think you need to worry OP.

Soproudoflionesses · 13/03/2023 21:53

I very rarely hug my mum....love her to bits but that's not how l show it

inventinglouise · 13/03/2023 22:14

LaGiaconda · 13/03/2023 19:20

I think that to, say, pick a food crumb off her sleeve is lacking in respect. It's what you'd do to a baby or a small child. This isn't something you'd normally do with someone who is adult sized.

You can't have the child back who you used to hug and cuddle. She has gone. What you have is a new person and you have to find new ways of relating to her.

If you want some creature to touch all the time, you'll need to get a kitten.

I'm saying this as the mother of a young woman in her mid-twenties. Dealing with the separation has felt painful in some ways, but in other ways we have a close relationship - that's based more around talking and doing stuff together when we meet up.

It may be that if you let go that she will, on occasion come back for the occasional hug. But it really does have to be on her terms.

I agree with this - I'm in my 30s and I recoil when my Mum tries to touch me, because I see it as dismissing my boundaries and not treating me with the respect that she would give to another adult.
Your daughter is an adult, and you should treat her like one.