First Mother's Day and partner won't spend it with me

[Anna1998]

Am I right to feel a bit sad that my partner is spending Mother's Day with his mum instead of me and baby when it's my first ever Mother's Day? I won't even see him at all not even an hour as he's away that weekend with his mum. I know he loves his mum but I thought he would have made a bit of an effort considering it's my first one!

My oldest is 28, of course he spends it with his partner and small children. Imo it's more a big thing when they are small, if you have a partner hopefully you get the day to relax and spend with your small children

I want my sons to make sure their partners are having a lovely day with their small children

But then I'm not needy , I don't need my adult children making mothers day about me. They've always shown that they love and appreciate me through out the year

STOP TALKING ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY, IT'S THE 19TH NOT TODAY!

MOTHERS day

The clues in the title

All these posters saying 'it's Mother's Day, not partners day' are you saying that you were not celebrated as a mother until your children were old enough to celebrate you themselves? So 6/8/10 year's potentially of just a normal Sunday until your children could make a fuss of you?

That is strange imo.

As a father of small children, his job is to help them celebrate you. Even after they are old enough, he should still be celebrating the person who mothers his children!

Thankfully my DH and I are on the same page on celebrating all holidays and we put us and our children first above any extended family.

@Crazycrazylady - so you'd encourage your son to not see his wife and 2 month daughter for a fortnight?

You'd also encourage your son not to facilitate any mother days treats on behalf of the non shipping non cooking baby?

Blimey - I'm glad my MIL was pleasant enough to share events with me when my children were small.

That's non shopping not non shipping!

YADNBU and I'm sad for you. Some of these responses are mad.

I won't see my DH on Mother's Day this year either but he knows we'll 'do' it on another day instead. Absolutely your DP should be facilitating a lovely day for you as you have been working your butt off growing, birthing and now raising your baby. It's disrespectful of him not to acknowledge that 😢

What kind of Hallmark patriarchy is it that makes Mothering Sunday about leaving a young mum to solo parent so an older woman who CURRENTLY HAS HER CHILD AT HOME doesn't get to feel she isn't absorbing 100% of the available special treatment?

OP: this is mad. Given your living circumstances, you and your daughter deserve more. No MIL worth their salt would do anything other than send their son back to you with a flea in their ear and strict instructions to make you breakfast in bed.

I hope it works out for you but SMDH.

Well that's mumsnet these days - women trying to make other women feel bad about themselves. Sad really.

Surely he could spend next Saturday night with you, so that on Mother's Day morning he can treat you to breakfast in bed and a card and some Daffodils off your Baby girl. Then in the afternoon you all go to his Mum's and go out together. I don't know of any mother who would actively encourage her son to not spend any time at all with the mother of his child on Mother's Day. Id be asking him if thats how He'd want his own daughter treat in years to come!

I never said I didnt see him, I said I visited my (local) parents. First one I was a few days home from hospital after an extended stay (EMCS under GA for me, ds in SCBU) and mothers day didnt really register to either of us other than my mum phoning to wish me happy mothers day.

2nd one, we had discussed it, he asked if I wanted to do something and I said dont be daft I'm not your mum. Saw dh in morning for an hour or so, no card/flowers/lie in etc, he said happy mothers day and tried to jokingly make it sound like ds said it, then he went to work, and I spent the day with my mum and ds as I usually did on mothers days. Dh is self employed and worked one day most weekends to save on childcare costs and as I was seeing mum anyway made sense to work that day. I probably made dinner when he got home from work so he could play with ds which was our normal routine. Dh mum lived in london (we are in Scotland) at the time and due to a couple of issues in his family at the time, he chose not to go see her, I would have had no problem if he did.

Can’t you and the baby travel down to his mum’s for a few days and then you all can be together? He could come to you to help you bring the baby down and presumably as you are on mat leave you could stay down maybe for the week until he can travel up with you and the baby again? Might be nice to spend time with the baby’s other granny and hopefully you would have more support for the week too.

It is a possibility I could go there but one thing neither of them has invited us to and secondly I actually did that last week we stayed for a few days and it was awful. MIL expected me to cook the whole time and also didn't help out at all. She held baby for a few mins and complained about her arms hurting. Partner slept in a different room as baby gets up twice a night so he wouldn't be disturbed so I do everything anyway. She came back from work one day and was just in a really bad mood didn't even say hi to me and baby in living room just stormed upstairs and didn't see us for the whole night. Made us feel unwelcomed. His older sister came to see baby and she completely ignored me and took my baby for cuddles but wouldn't talk to me or look at me when my daughter cried she just passed her to me to feed her then when she was finished gestured to have her back. Literally went to the bathroom in tears for how I was being treated. So no defo wouldn't want to stay there for a few days until they apologise to me which I have asked my partner to speak with them about

Is there a backstory here? Presumably you knew them quite well before you had the baby? Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like that solution is going to work. I your partner needs to step up a lot here tbh. Your mum is away and his mum has another child so she wouldn’t be on her own. He needs to come up with a solution to this and you are completely within your rights to be upset about this.

Is he paying child support?

No he isn't but we are planning on living with each other asap

Sorry he hasn’t given you any money to pay towards the care of your child since the baby was born? Why? He needs to be paying you a set amount every month. You shouldn’t need to be asking for this. He is living at home and working. Go on to cms and work out what they say he should be giving you for the child based on his wage. Have you got a place set up to move in to? At the moment it can take months to get a place to rent. He needs to pay for his child. Do not set the precedent that you pay for the child’s expenses.

No he isn't but we are planning on living with each other asap

So? He should be paying because it's the right thing to do. Not because he has to. And he should be doing overnights because it's the right thing to do.

Love, I think you've got yourself into a crappy situation. A man who doesn't provide, doesn't parent, doesn't treat you well, mean family and you don't live together. I think you're hoping and putting off actually living with and adapting to the situation as it exists, not how you want it.

When he comes to visit, does he treat you well or do you treat him well? Mostly.

I didn't realise he should be paying every month no one told me:( I thought because we aren't seperated and plan on living together he didn't have to. I actually get most things for baby as he isn't here and he can't send me money as his app doesn't work he always says. I'm waking up to this situation I don't really know what to do. I want the best for my family and hope once we live together everything will be okay. When he is here he does try his best to help but to be honest I do the most. I breastfeed so he obviously can't help with that but I do mostly everything anyway

Why isn’t he offering to send you money? It’s his baby??? What does he think the baby is living on? Is your own dad around OP? What have your parents said about him failing to provide for the baby? His app doesn’t work - this must be a joke. You are parents now. He has to send you money for the baby. What has he provided for his child? What are you living on? Have you found a place to live? Tbh and I don’t mean to alarm you, I don’t think he has any intention of moving in with you. He is happy at his mum’s, he didn’t even try to help you or spend time with you when you went down to visit, he is dodging Mother’s Day to spend it with his own mum (honestly never heard of a man in his mid twenties want to do this). He lies about not being able to send you money. His mother may know more than she is letting on about his behaviour, for all you know he could be seeing someone else. It’s clear that his family aren’t happy about the baby. I am sure that message is being reiterated to him at home. In any event I am sorry but this man is not making plans for you to be together as a family, he is not looking after his child and he is not displaying any care towards you at all. You have only had a baby two months ago. Do you have any other family that live with you or nearby?

I also don't think he is planning to live with you and is making excuses to hold you off going to cms.

He is using Mother's Day to dodge his weekend care of the baby. Why can't he take you and his mum out together??

And as for his app not working 😂 how long has that not worked? It's ok.. tell him you take cash or cms and will take it at source. I'd go to cms regardless now and get a true figure of what he should pay you and then if he wishes he can pay direct but he will no doubt tell you he can't afford x amount because he only earns y amount. Stop being soft.

I'm also Intrigued what your parents say about this mess? Unless you cover for him?

Why can't you go with them and all spend it together

This is not a happy thread to read. OP I'm not sure if I'm more sorry for the situation you describe or for the utterly shitty replies you've had from some people insisting your partner is bang right to spend Mother's Day away from you. You're not wrong to feel the way you do, the day should be a bit of a break for you or him showing his appreciation at least with a card and a cuppa in bed. He should have organised something that involves you as well as his mother. Use this week to investigate what you're entitled to financially citizens advice can probably point you in the right direction. Good luck

Most ppl on this thread are bay shit crazy.

Your husband is using Mother's Day to sod off
And have a lovely child free day and rest.

Anyone who can't see this has obviously never raised a baby.

Can he take the baby or are they breastfed?

Oh OP

Based on your last update honestly I'd not move in with this man. He's not your partner and he isn't acting to support his own child practically or financially.

I would have a frank conversation about what you need, for me this would include a night a week where he gets up with baby and financial support starting now. If he is unwilling there is no point proceeding, he's not going to coparent and he certainly won't put your needs first.