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Original poster

Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

149 replies

mamadance · 16/02/2023 21:38

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/02/2023 21:41

Get a second hand basic pram and a basic cheap rucksack with one nappy wipes etc. So nothing you need to have returned.
Then he has zero hold over you.

Stressybetty · 16/02/2023 21:42

If he's 2.5 years old then surely your ex can buy himself a cheap pushchair for his own son and use that during his contact. How long is the contact each time?

Ceryneianhind · 16/02/2023 21:43

how long does he have DC for? I would leave him with nothing and let him deal with it to be honest
but if you must... do what @cestlavielife said

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Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:24

Hiya, contact is for 5 hours. Totally agree, considering he has no financial input to DS life.

He can afford it too, he puts DS in a £500 Canada Goose jacket when he has him on contact but doesn’t let him take it with him!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:25

That is true! I am scared the court will see me trying to be difficult though!?

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:26

Exactly what someone else has said before! I can’t actually afford a second pram but definitely a good idea with the rucksack!

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 16/02/2023 22:30

Court won't ask you to provide items when DS is with his father. That's on your ex. Given he pays no maintenance, even more so. I'd just ignore.

Soubriquet · 16/02/2023 22:31

Doesn’t need to be a decent pram. A £20 stroller from Argos will suffice

PaigeMatthews · 16/02/2023 22:32

No. He gets fuck all.

Isthisexpected · 16/02/2023 22:33

What does your solicitor say? My friend was told because her ex wasn't paying CM she did not have to supply pram, car seat etc for contact.

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/02/2023 22:35

Yes as others have said get a cheap second hand stroller from Facebook Marketplace and a basic bag you won’t care about losing. If he wants anything else he can buy it.

Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:37

@Isthisexpected They haven’t said, I will ask for advice on that. But exactly, no CM and still expecting everything from me its not really on!

OP posts:
CrescentMoons · 16/02/2023 22:38

Rtmhwales · 16/02/2023 22:30

Court won't ask you to provide items when DS is with his father. That's on your ex. Given he pays no maintenance, even more so. I'd just ignore.

Ignore. Don’t send him with anything

CrescentMoons · 16/02/2023 22:38

Why no csm?

Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:40

@CrescentMoons whats csm?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 16/02/2023 22:41

The judge was very clear to my ex that he needed to stop asking me to provide things. However, the family courts are horribly inconsistent places and also I totally get what it is like dealing with someone like that and think it is fine that you pick your battles (you clearly have the measure of him, I am sure you are right about bag drop to your mum's house being a slippery slope).

Travelfan2021 · 16/02/2023 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

titchy · 16/02/2023 22:44

Tbh at 2.5 he doesn't really need a buggy - he can walk or be carried if your ex takes him on a 3 mile hike to Maccies or wherever he takes him.

Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:46

@SweetSakura he has been trying to get away from the contact centre from the start, he has already missed contact because he went on holiday and wanted someone else to collect DS from centre. He doesn’t like being tied to the responsibility as he’s never done it before we split!
You’re right the family courts are so unpredictable and different for everyone, it’s been an awful experience!
Ex sends intense emails to solicitors about everything and anything and I’m sick of being intimidated by them and doing what he says so I’m getting to the point where I just wana put my foot down and say F off!!! (But not so as blunt as that! 😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:48

@titchy exactly, he doesn’t understand that a 2.5year old barely sits in the pram and it’s more for me to hook my bags on these days 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:48

@Travelfan2021 thats a good idea thank you for that advise!

OP posts:
UKNZKiwiBrit · 16/02/2023 22:49

You have to be joking!!

next time I'd pack a plastic bag with essentials. I'd include the packet the nappies come in so he knows what he needs to buy etc and tell him (viaCentre) it's the last time ! From now on he sorts it out himself! Same with the pushchair/buggy. He's old enough to have a baby, he's old enough to buy a buggy.

5 hours is stretch but I'd just make sure DS had eaten well prior to going and have a snack ready for pick up. He'll make his needs clear if he's hungry/thirsty. I'd probably give DS a drink to take with him.

it must be so hard to leave him there. Xx

CoffeeBeansGalore · 16/02/2023 22:51

Do not give him your pram/pushchair. Sounds like he would deliberately not return it.

If you are worried about dc missing out on snacks & not getting a nappy change, put nappies, wipes, & a snack in a carrier bag.

If your ex needs more then he can buy it.

ivykaty44 · 16/02/2023 22:53

Oh the pram will not come back, it’ll come back broken

dont go there

as you don’t see him you don’t have to give a reason

if you really want to look on market place for a cheap second hand buggy and give that each time - if it gets broken send back as it is

Snugglemonkey · 16/02/2023 23:24

I definitely agree with sending nothing at all. I know you want to look after your son, but in sending stuff, you make it too easy for this man. Let him have to organise himself and he might find the whole thing a lot of hassle.

I would not trust him not to break your pram, or to use it to manipulate you. Everything you send, opens up a point of potential conflict. You can safeguard yourself and your son by not involving yourself in his time and phrase it in terms of safeguarding to him, via solicitors.

Your son can tell you if he is being kept hungry etc. That would be grounds to cease contact. I would be right back to court with that.