Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

[mamadance]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

He sounds absolutely horrible and I would want my child to spend as little time as possible with him, he's using this child as a trophy and a weapon to hurt you.
I would be firm and businesslike but at the same time try not to antagonise him because he is enjoying the drama and it's what draws him in, try to make the whole thing very boring and tiresome for him.

What a disgusting pathetic man.

I would not allow this man make his parenting problems yours.

It’s his child, he wants access and has gone to
court to secure it.

Therefore you give him one weeks notice of size of nappies, desired snacks & where to purchase a pushchair & car seat.

He sounds like the type of man to make it his life’s work to piss you off.

How appalling what he did with your childhood home!!! Does the judge know this? Did he kick your mother out also?

What an annoying rat! All about him not about your son. Send him nothing bar a spare nappy and wipe in a disposable bag.

Mind you, it would be interesting to get hold of some fake logo labels, eg Gucci, Burberry, cut out the Sainsburys/Tescos etc from usual clothes and sew on instead - and see what clothing he comes home in.......

The problem is that he is holding OP to ransom.... He doesn't care about the childs well-being he only wants the child as a status symbol to make him look good and as a way of punishing the mother
the child will suffer if he doesn't get what he wants, he will do everything he can to upset her and if he knows she is upset because the child is suffering that will make him happy.

All those saying op should do this or that to get a pram, pack some wipes and nappies in a sandwich bag

Why should she have the mental load of doing all this..

He wants contact then he provides

If he can’t provide them maybe he is not in a position to have contact if he is that incapable.

I would raise it as a safe guarding concern
Should he be leaving the contact centre with a child if he hasn’t got the mental capacity to buy a packet of baby wipes.

Keep a very detailed log of everything that happens save all screenshots etc.

Write to his lawyer saying you won't be providing these things anymore. Then there is a written record that you have been providing these things, which makes him look bad.

Then don't provide them. If he can't organise a nappy and some wipes then the contact centre will note that.

But why should OP spend her precious time doing any of these things?

This abusive man has used previous items to exert control. And is lying about his financial situation to get out of paying to support his tiny son.

Why should any woman run around after such a lowlife?

No way, I would not be giving him anything. That's up to him to provide on his contact time.

To avoid the child suffering while under the care of the other parent?

Some would take the child out without a coat and leave them in a soiled nappy and hungry the whole day just to annoy or blame the mum.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to provide any of this, but there is a real fear that the father will neglect the child’s needs rather than provide anything himself.

The carbon copy notebook is a genius idea to minimise contact . Worth informing via solicitors beforehand, but given that he is supposed to have minimal contact with you it’s better than phone calls.

You could sellotape each note (including a list of what been provided) to the weekly carrier bag, with a photo of the note (and nappies, food etc) ad date stamp evidence.

A carrier bag with 5 nappies and half a pack of wipe is surely enough. If his son needs a snack or a drink he should buy him one. No way I’d be handing over a well stocked bag and pram.

You are all so right, and I haven’t even touched the surface of what this man is like and it’s clear how difficult he is.
when he was baby his clothes used to come back ruined and his answer was “well you took his bibs” it took him months to provide a bib and I used to express I used to have to throw his clothes away so now I do send him in clothes that I don’t mind getting ruined.

The court have said they urge me to increase contact in the future as long as it is safe for [name redacted], we are due back in court in July after our section 7 report by Cafcass. The next step would to be go third party hand over but I just don’t feel comfortable of doing so right now. I wish I could attach the contact schedule and times he has put forward it is all about control as the timings are so inconsistent and demanding for a 2.5 year old.
this is another thing that’s clear he doesn’t have the best interest of DS in mind as is trying to dictate his life with all these days of over nights every week and weekend! It’s so suffocating!!

I have contacted solicitor with what I said I was going to say and ex has already come back saying but he paid for the pram 😂 I’ve told him
the size and the type of wipes and said I will provide them this weekend so he has over a weeks notice for next contact.
this is all in writing too!
The solicitor has been clear in saying given you haven’t paid any CM then we are sure you will have no objection. I’m sure this will be a problem.

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove real life names]

OP has made it clear her child doesn’t need a buggy and prefers to walk or be carried.

No need for her to be shopping around for a buggy.

exactly, he has her over a barrel here, he's using the child to hold her to ransom, it's an awful situation to be in, we know the lengths men will go to in order to punish women who wont obey them. This pos has no interest in his child's well being, to him the child is just a means to get leverage over his ex partner in order to punish or control her.
I would HATE having to hand this little one over to him, he is despicable

I'd contact your solicitor with all these demands (by your ex), list everything he has said and done/not done, and say that your ex does not have ds's best interests at heart, you don't think that ds is safe with your ex and what can you do?

The bar set for your ex by the courts seems to be embarrassingly low.

The problem with constant liaison with the solicitor is this is another way to punish OP. Such men use these legal routes as a form of punishment - financial punishment as well emotional. Establishing a system, being organised with all the evidence, doing well by DC when at home and then trying to ignore all the shit and the ex is the best way forward I think. The equivalent of 'grey rock' as far as you can. If you run to the solicitor about each incident they try to create. you end up with bills of ££. Contact schedule, evidence, routine, reasonable decisions, and no personal contact or responding to silly nonsense is, I think, the best way forward. Men like this are so keen to maintain their profile with you they do everything they can to get attention... like little toddlers but with worse consequences if you give them the attention. Go forward OP - may the force be with you and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this stupidity. This too will end once he finds another target...

@marly24 thank you!! 🫶🏻 for your support and push. It’s a long road but definitely learning how to respond or not respond is the key to dealing with these types of people!

hopefully after all this BS there is a lesson at the end, I have to trust good things are coming! DS is the best thing that’s happened out of such an awful person.

Yes. And sometimes we have to pay the ransom to avoid further damage/hurt/neglect to our little ones.

Put the child first. Be the biggest person for the sake of your child only. Nobody wants to end like those parents who hate each other more than they love their children.

Then if the child is suffering because his father can’t organise what his child needs then the unsupervised contact should be reviewed

Why is it op’s responsibility to have to think for the child’s father.

This man is either responsible enough to be able to look after his Ds or he isn’t and needing help with buying nappies and baby wipes and a pram doesn’t sound like he is that responsible.

Kennykenkencat · Yesterday 13:45
All those saying op should do this or that to get a pram, pack some wipes and nappies in a sandwich bag

Why should she have the mental load of doing all this..“

Because her child’s welfare is more important than a point of principle.

This man is either responsible enough to be able to look after his Ds or he isn’t and needing help with buying nappies and baby wipes and a pram doesn’t sound like he is that responsible
The problem is that he is very manipulative, the risk is that the courts and the authorities can't see through his act and OP ends up having to hand her child over and give in to his demands in order to prevent him from treating the child badly.
She is very much stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think the more you do the more he will expect.
Stop now when he is a toddler otherwise the expectation will mount.

You have nappies and wipes and snacks.

Now he expects a pram.

You get a pram. Do you think it will end there.

And as your boy gets older you will be painted as the bad guy for not doing something other.
What ever you buy will be passed off as having been provided by him

Will the courts expect op to provide everything. I think if it his time then his responsibility. If he can’t be responsible then he doesn’t leave the contact centre

Good luck at getting contact changed by court because dad cannot organise himself!

Going to court over this will be seen as court time wasting no matter how tight the OP is. I can also assure you that a second hand pushchair will cost a tiny fraction of a day in court.