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Parenting

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Original poster

Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

149 replies

mamadance · 16/02/2023 21:38

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

OP posts:

MMAMPWGHAP · 17/02/2023 08:17

If he has no pram does he drive and if so does he have a car seat?
That’s more concerning.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/02/2023 08:19

Defo do not supply a pram, that’s on him if he wants one. Send carrier bag with nappies and wipes is good advice and for 5 hours your son will be fine because you’ll have fed him a decent meal before and be ready with a nice treat for after. Ex sounds hideous, don’t bend! X

MrsCarson · 17/02/2023 08:28

I'd send two nappies and mini pack of wipes in a zip lock bag with a note saying this is th last time you send stuff he needs to provide for his child himself and then stop. No way I'd send a pram, he can go and get a cheap on from a charity shop, the ones by us always have them.

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fyn · 17/02/2023 08:40

People are always giving away free strollers and prams near me, maybe see if you can find one that way!

Mirabai · 17/02/2023 08:42

he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?

This is a non sequitur - it’s just another of his sly tricks. Of course you shouldn’t send DS with anything - why are you even here asking?

The quicker he has to provide everything for DS himself the quicker he drops the 50:50 request.

marly24 · 17/02/2023 08:42

I would send a bag with the bits mentioned dispensed and then a carbon-copy book note saying 'these are the nappy size, brand of wipes 'etc. Contact time with another parent is their responsibility to provide for. I had one of those old fashioned carbon copy books that I sent a weekly note on, contained in his bag each week. This meant I didn't have to have email and text contact with DP who was an abusive man. He then kept raising in court that I 'didn't keep him informed' and was 'excluding him from DCs life'. My series of carbon copy books was taken to court with all the comms meticulously in there and was seen by the judge - listing any medication needs, new sizes of nappy etc. He looked an idiot trying to make out I didn't cooperate, when all the evidence of the opposite was there - and things didn't go his way. I realise that sounds old fashioned, particularly now, but it kept everything in one place to evidence and I was much more organised than him as he was just casting around trying to cause trouble and stress.

Moonboot · 17/02/2023 08:45

Egg gn gmc f

Original poster

mamadance · 17/02/2023 08:47

@OurChristmasMiracle that is so true. I’m not going to provide the pram, every single person has advised against it but I will contact solicitors today to let him know that I will not be providing anything anymore.

@HighlandCowbag this is exactly what happened this Christmas too. All the kids were coming out of the contact centre with presents and DS came out with a an advent Callander from the centre as a Christmas present. I knew he would never let him bring anything from his house, however if DS wants to take his toys from mine I wouldn’t stop him as they are his toys! Not mine! There are so many spiteful dads out there that do this.

Before the contact centre I used ti pick up DS from the family home that he is still in (he threw us out of - which was my family home since I was born so for 28 years! He bought the house off of my DM and the following month told me to pack my bags and leave!) he used to close the blinds at the house and hand DS through the smallest gap in the door and close it behind him so I couldn’t see anything in the house. He’s a controlling nut case!

thanks so much for everyone’s advise and points! It seems we can all see this ass hole in one thread without all the information needed, it’s a shame the judges can’t see it!

OP posts:

jannier · 17/02/2023 08:51

mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:26

Exactly what someone else has said before! I can’t actually afford a second pram but definitely a good idea with the rucksack!

Or just put enough in a carrier bag even doesn't have to be a particular bag. At 2.5 how much pram does he need

OwnBadges · 17/02/2023 09:07

Court expected me to provide for DD at her dads house, that included everything from formula and nappies (when younger) to toys. clothes and shoes.

My solicitor then used that in court to cut access to the minimum. I don't provide it now, but thats because DD is 8 and packs her own bag mostly so she knows whats at her dads. Only thing I now send is medication as it's not worth DD not having it, but I insisted in court this came home and Ex has to hand it over.

Justmeandthedog1 · 17/02/2023 09:14

Try Freecycle or FB Marketplace for a free buggy. And I’d be giving him one nappy, a few wipes in a sandwich bag and some fruit in a carrier bag.
Absolutely disgusting man, not supporting his child but happy to use him.

Twiglets1 · 17/02/2023 09:14

I would give him a bag with nappies in etc (for your son's comfort if his dad can't be trusted to even get that right) but not a pram or pushchair. He can buy a cheap one or he will have to carry your son at times - his choice.

Dodie66 · 17/02/2023 09:15

Ask around on local FB freebie groups and get an old buggy. Nothing flashy. He probably won’t like using it

MinnieGirl · 17/02/2023 09:20

I wouldn’t buy anything. And if he’s putting his son in a £500 jacket that he only wears for 5 hours, he can afford nappies wipes snacks and a pushchair.
This man pays no maintenance for his own child, don’t give him a penny. And explain that to the contact staff so they are prepared for it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/02/2023 09:21

cestlavielife · 16/02/2023 21:41

Get a second hand basic pram and a basic cheap rucksack with one nappy wipes etc. So nothing you need to have returned.
Then he has zero hold over you.

Yes absolutely, was going to say this too. Tote bag with a couple of nappies, wipes and a cheap change of outfit. If you’re feeling passive aggressive, pick the slogan of the tote bag carefully.

Sereni5 · 17/02/2023 09:22

Wow. He sounds like a real piece of shit. Some good advice here. Good luck OP

cadburyluver · 17/02/2023 09:23

cestlavielife · 16/02/2023 21:41

Get a second hand basic pram and a basic cheap rucksack with one nappy wipes etc. So nothing you need to have returned.
Then he has zero hold over you.

This

cadburyluver · 17/02/2023 09:25

mamadance · 16/02/2023 22:26

Exactly what someone else has said before! I can’t actually afford a second pram but definitely a good idea with the rucksack!

You can't afford not to
Plenty of free stuff going on market place Facebook
It would make your life so much easier to do this

Bargoed · 17/02/2023 09:27

Don't get a second hand pram ffs - let him get one himself - the carbon book of notes is a genius idea

5128gap · 17/02/2023 09:29

You need to do what's right for your DS.
If you refuse the bag on principle, your DS won't be cared for properly, so what choice do you have?
As for the pram, do you think the experience would be better for DS if he could be taken out? If so, I'd provide one. If you think it makes no difference to DSs happiness, then don't.
Unfortunately you're pretty much on your own where your DSs welfare is concerned so you don't really have the option of only doing what's 'fair' to expect of you. His father probably won't pick up the slack, and DS will suffer for it.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 17/02/2023 09:29

I agree with a cheap or free pushchair, and a crap bag but with all the essentials for your DS. I would not be comfortable with my DS going without. Also he may be safer strapped in a pushchair if they are out and about.
make sure the staff at the centre know about these issues- they take notes and are often asked to submit reports for contact disputes ( I used to work in a contract centre).

Paternosta · 17/02/2023 09:37

I got a free pushchair on Freecycle when DS was small. It was a really nice one too. Definitely worth trying that route if you want to get one.

Just a carrier bag with nappies and wipes in should be fine. No need to waste a good bag on him. He can provide snacks.

If he doesn't, at 2.5, your son could speak up if he's hungry. Maybe role play something with him so he has the words ready. "Teddy's hungry but he doesn't know what to do, Teddy's daddy hasn't brought any food. What should Teddy say?".

user1471538283 · 17/02/2023 09:37

I would ask around for a free stroller. Or get a second hand one. At that age he will want to walk mostly. And a cheap or free backpack.

Undoubtedly he won't like it so he can buy replacements.

teapotfullofsquash · 17/02/2023 09:38

If he can't provide nappies now then once he's potty training I doubt he will provide spare clothes. Then the arguing will start about who has whose clothes etc. I think you've actually got a rather big problem on your hands. My exsil is like this with my db. Steals clothes he has purchased and sends them back in cheap stuff which is too small.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 17/02/2023 09:41

I'd put a spares pack of t-shirt/trousers, snack, nappy and wipes in a large ziplock and put it in the bottom of a very cheap buggy with a wonky wheel...

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