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Original poster

Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

149 replies

mamadance · 16/02/2023 21:38

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

OP posts:
amylou8 · 17/02/2023 11:03

I'd get a really basic second hand stroller from market place, I'm sure if you stick a wanted post on someone will probably give you one. The older and scruffier the better really, as long as it's clean and functional. I'd put nappies, wipes, a bottle of water and a snack in a Tesco bag for life.

RobertsRadio · 17/02/2023 11:09

Slightly off topic, but as he pays no child support due to being self employed and "cooks the books", could you report him to HMRC for tax evasion?

WishingIWasOnHoliday · 17/02/2023 11:18

mamadance · 17/02/2023 10:06

After all the advise what I think I’m going to do is provide the nappies, wipes and snack but send a note to contact staff or via solicitor to say the size and wipes and it is now up to him to provide these. As well as the idea of getting a pram off of Facebook market place or Argos.

I’m not going to risk it with the pram, as I think I’m heading into a conflict battle. It’s already happened with the bag and I just don’t want to put myself into a situation where I have to ask for it back.

DS barely uses it, they won’t be going on a 5 hour hike and even still DS usually wants to walk or wants to be carried anyway.

When we were together he was the one who bought the buggy on his credit card. When you’re in a relationship you don’t keep tabs on what you both buy for children as it swings in round abouts. But he is the type of person to say he paid for it so I can be the one to buy a new one. But with him not paying CM I am doing everything by myself on a part time wage, so out of principle it shouldn’t be me to buy it.
This used to happen with the car seat that was isofixed to my car, I’d have to remove it each time and he said I could buy a new one as he put money towards it (he actually didn’t it was all paid for with vouchers and gift money!)

I’ve provided everything since we split when DS was a baby I was fully preparing his bag for a day out and sending his pram, but that was purely for the benefit of DS as he was only 16 months. Since it’s been in the contact centre since DS has been 2.3years I haven’t sent a pram as contact was shorter than it used to be. This has dropped due to an assault that happened on handover hence why we now use CC.

I have a gut feeling this pram will be used as a pawn to get a reaction from me if he doesn’t bring it back as he “paid for it”, so my safest option is to give as many options of places he can purchase or have one for free so that I do not feel guilty in anyway. Not that I should as this man can afford it!

thanks so much for the advise and help! @marly24 love the carbon copy note book idea! Thanks x

Absolutely agree with this. If the courts are saying he is capable of looking after a child for a few hours, that implies is is capable of knowing what a child of that age requires and providing it.

I would also, like a PP said, record every single time he comes home hungry, with a dirty nappy etc and if he tries to use the fact that you're not providing these things against you in court, you can point out that you gave him ample notice and that apparently he is fit enough to have contact, therefore he should be fit enough to provide what the child needs, especially as he doesn't pay a penny towards his own sons upkeep.

What you said about your mum's house was absolutely awful!

Its funny, when I read the thread title I was going to say to send the pram, as it seems daft to buy 2, but that man sounds horrendous!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families Family law General parenting
B0g · 17/02/2023 11:25

@cadburyluver ’You can't afford not to Plenty of free stuff going on market place Facebook. It would make your life so much easier to do this’

What does this mean? ‘Can’t afford not to’? The scum can provide the child whatever he feels the need to. It would make his life so much easier if the scum wasn’t pandered to.

cadburyluver · 17/02/2023 11:33

B0g · 17/02/2023 11:25

@cadburyluver ’You can't afford not to Plenty of free stuff going on market place Facebook. It would make your life so much easier to do this’

What does this mean? ‘Can’t afford not to’? The scum can provide the child whatever he feels the need to. It would make his life so much easier if the scum wasn’t pandered to.

I work on family separation and have seen many many cases where if it's not one thing it will be another

This is the best option for op, least stressful and if he loses / doenst bring it back then that's on him

The items should be the children's not the parents

TonTonMacoute · 17/02/2023 11:36

After all the advise what I think I’m going to do is provide the nappies, wipes and snack but send a note to contact staff or via solicitor to say the size and wipes and it is now up to him to provide these.

I think this is an excellent plan. Lodge it officially, and start it off along the lines of

'As there seems to be some confusion about what equipment will be needed during contact I attach a list to assist ex-bastard in his preparation. For the sake of clarity I will provide nappies, wipes and snacks for these sessions but the other items will be ex-bastard's responsibility to provide.'

If he says he can't afford to provide any of it that would seriously undermine his case for joint custody I would have thought.

See him wriggle out of that!

Climbles · 17/02/2023 11:38

I would continue to bring food and nappies. As others have said nothing that can be used as a pawn like a nice rucksack or toys that your DS would want and he can ‘forget’. You don’t want your DS to go without and he’s the most important thing. Also it will show how useless he is if he ever does try to get more contact.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/02/2023 11:39

Absolutely bloody not! He can buy his own stuff! The next thing he'll be putting and air tag on the pram or in the changing bag. Please don't do this. He can organise his own stuff. It also will not make you look bad at all. Quite the opposite, it makes him look like a shit parent for not having the basics of equipment. Why doesn't he pay CM?

B0g · 17/02/2023 11:50

If he loses it or doesn't be it back it won't be on him, it'll be on OP. The deadbeat provides zero. You're right about if it's not this, it'll be another topic he picks to control OP with. Best shut it down from the start.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 17/02/2023 11:52

Why isn't he packing his own bag and bringing it to the contact centre?

zingally · 17/02/2023 12:20

Everything you send will become something this arsehole will use to abuse you further.
Stop handing over a bag you want back. Send everything in a supermarket carrier bag, fully disposable. Everything from wipes to a snack. Decant 10 wipes into a ziplock baggy, a nappy or 2 in the original packaging, so he knows what to buy if needs be, and throw in a Fruit Shoot or carton of juice for if the kid gets thirsty.

Don't get drawn into the drama of providing a pram. He hasn't got a leg to stand on with that one. A 2.5yo can manage a few hours without a pram just fine. If the wastrel wants a buggy, I'm sure he can source a cheapo folding pushchair for next to nothing. I had a little one when mine were small, that came free on marketplace, and by the looks of it had been through umpteen toddlers, but it worked just fine!

CrinkleCutChips · 17/02/2023 12:39

I’d be worried he might not return the pram or it might be returned damaged. He sounds absolutely unhinged, getting this obsessed over a pram (my first husband was just like this) I would just say a solid no and leave it at that. If he’s done without a pram for this long then it can’t be that urgent. I don’t know a lot about contact centres but if he’s only with him for five hours, how long would your DS even be sat in it anyway?

Maray1967 · 17/02/2023 12:41

He’d get a plastic supermarket bag from me with 2 nappies and a few wipes at the end of a pack plus the cheapest spare joggers and socks I could get. Plus a sandwich and drink - that’s it.

Maray1967 · 17/02/2023 12:41

Absolutely no pram!

CrinkleCutChips · 17/02/2023 12:49

Just adding, I’m really fuming on your behalf 😡 😡 and I don’t even know you. It seems like he’s not interested in his son at all, just making your like hell. Thing it, if you give him enough rope and all that. Keep records of every crappy thing he does then maybe the judge will reduce/remove contact time if you request it.

CrinkleCutChips · 17/02/2023 12:51

mamadance · 17/02/2023 00:12

@Inertia i have tried to chase up the CMS, he is self employed and cooks his books so they said he only has to pay £100 a month. Then it went down to £90. He has said he earns £11 thousand a year however has a mortgage to pay, as well as his lavish lifestyle and memberships to top gym, golf, football memberships and soho house! He is a liar but he runs his own company so the CMS said it’s not illegal to give yourself a small salary. When I tried to raise in family courts (which you are not allowed to do anymore) he said he had “over paid me in the past” so he doesn’t owe anything!
thats a whole new topic of convo that I could go on about but it’s just so tiring!!

but yes you are right, an Aldi one too as I think he’d be embarrassed carrying that as he only shops in M&S!

thanks for your advise!!

Poundland 😆

MeridianB · 17/02/2023 12:58

He’s a scumbag. Please report him to HMRC and hopefully he will stop defrauding you (and the rest of us) and finally pay for his child. Wishing you luck in court, OP.

Kennykenkencat · 17/02/2023 13:14

I would use his requests against him.

If he is so broke that he can’t afford to provide got his son then maybe we should cut contact to something he can afford.

I hope your mother charged him the going rate for the house.
Why didn’t she insist your name was on the deeds and mortgage

Theunamedcat · 17/02/2023 13:15

Child maintenance used to investigate these cases hmrc used too as well it was classed as "lifestyle not compatible with income"

Report him everywhere you can do you have an open child maintenance case? On his "wages" he should be claiming benefits surely?

77toozy · 17/02/2023 13:16

I'd hand the child over with nothing. He's the df it's on him to provide for his time.

Conkersinautumn · 17/02/2023 13:18

I'm not sure where you are but if you ask at a local children's centre or check out your local rubbish processing they might have a basic pushchair for a very nominal sum or zero for you if you explain. You could even ask for donations to the contact centre on FB?

diddl · 17/02/2023 13:24

I just want to scream when I read this.

How is it in the kid's interest to have to have contact with this manipulative abusive shit?

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/02/2023 13:26

Little one’s welfare would be my only concern so I’d probably pick up a cheap secondhand pram/bag and send them.

Kennykenkencat · 17/02/2023 13:28

Theunamedcat · 17/02/2023 13:15

Child maintenance used to investigate these cases hmrc used too as well it was classed as "lifestyle not compatible with income"

Report him everywhere you can do you have an open child maintenance case? On his "wages" he should be claiming benefits surely?

I have a few friends who have this type of thing.

No one cares

One friends solicitor shrugged her shoulders and said “What can you do?”

Told friend to pay for a forensic accountant.

BashfulClam · 17/02/2023 13:28

A modern update to the carbon copy boom is a cheap extra phone. My friend gad one and it only got turned on 24 hours before contact and during contact mainly. They communicated a drop off time/place 24hours in advance. She would send a text from the extra phone if anything needed communicated like medication etc. It was all recorded and documented then as her ex using her son as a weapon to get at her.

He told her he wanted receipts for where his cm went as he wanted to ensure it was was spent on his son. She then put everything for him through separately at the supermarket recorded half of her monthly energy and rent bills etc. so when he raised that again she said ‘oh yeah here’s a breakdown and receipts, I spent £500 taking care of our son and you give me £150 cm so you owe me £100’ he never asked again.