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Original poster

Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

149 replies

mamadance · 16/02/2023 21:38

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

OP posts:
Streamside · 16/02/2023 23:31

You don't be want your son to be uncomfortable or hungry and that's why your ex is manipulating you It's so difficult for any parent who has to hand their precious child over in these circumstances but it's the child's welfare I'd be concerned about.

Isithotinhere · 16/02/2023 23:35

If you think you'll end up back in court soon it might be useful to keep providing nappy change, wipes and a snack - then you can tell the judge that you had to provide them as your ex wouldn't. But put them in a carrier bag so nothing that has to be returned to you so he can't accidentally forget to return it.

I wouldn't get him a buggy - your son doesn't need it, and you can tell the judge it was just too expensive a demand, shows your ex is unreasonable as doesn't want to support his child in any way. He may be looking for 50/50 custody but he seems to be doing nothing to show that he's committed to his child's wellbeing, so let him keep giving you evidence of what a crap dad he is.

Sorry you're going through this, he'll probably lose interest in your son if he can't get a rise from you.

Codlingmoths · 16/02/2023 23:35

I like travel fans idea. I would absolutely not give him the pram though. I’d send a message through contact staff that I cannot afford to replace the pram and need it for ds so I will not be sending it with him, his dad will have to get one of his own.

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Itisbetter · 16/02/2023 23:43

Sandwich bags work fine. One with nappy, one with three or four wipes, cheap and definitely motivating for the sort of person who likes £500 jackets. No pram as he can carry him easily or get his own. Do it till the end of the month then he can buy his own.

underneaththeash · 16/02/2023 23:49

I wouldn’t respond and art from to suggest the size of nappies.

Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 23:51

@UKNZKiwiBrit it is! Every pick up used to be worse when he was a baby and didn’t speak and I had to just guess if had been fed! But you’re right he will make it clear to me now if he is.

I already do make sure he goes with a big breakfast and do pick him up with a snack or a little treat which he never refuses!

But you’re so right, he needs to grow up and get on with it himself!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 16/02/2023 23:56

@Snugglemonkey you are so right! Thank you.

For over a year now I have always packed a fully prepared bag and when I tried to say I wouldn’t pack it he’d say “no he likes that bag”. This is when he was a baby, he wouldn’t know if his stuff was in a sainsburys bag! The bag used to get thrown at my feet on a handover and I used to send him with the pram when he was baby, but like most people say, 2.5year old doesn’t actually even need it now. It’s just another tool to cause conflict or to be difficult and get a reaction!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamadance · 17/02/2023 00:04

@Isithotinhere spot on! Thank you!! I think I’ll do a nappy a few wipes and a snack and atleast I can feel satisfied I wouldn’t be causing any discomfort for DS if he really wasn't able to provide it.

After he "accidentally" forgot the bag last time, the next contact I filled a bag of nappies and a pack of wipes and told the staff to tell him he could keep it, you can bet that bag was returned and they said "he didnt want it", since then he has ALWAYS used the items from the bag so he clearly does need them!

were still in a court case, so I can still feel ok on my part that I haven't been neglectful in any way. I'm giggling imagining his face when he sees the sandwich bag. I bet it comes back untouched!

OP posts:
Inertia · 17/02/2023 00:06

Absolutely don’t send your pram. He’s planning to get at you by breaking or keeping it. When he starts paying maintenance then you can start buying shared items . Are you chasing this up with CMS?

If you are feeling pressured to provide a pram, buy a cheap stroller second hand. He won’t put your child in it, he just wants to keep or damage something you’ve scrimped for so he can hurt you.

Agree with others, don’t send your usual nappy bag. I would send nappies /wipes/ snack/ drink/ spare (old) clothes in an Aldi carrier bag. If it doesn’t come back it’s no bother. Don’t do anything which gives him control.

Easternext · 17/02/2023 00:10

Pack a aldi carrier bag 2 nappies wipes drink snack anything else dad can buy. You provide for your child everything he needs if dad wants a pram he can buy one.

Original poster
mamadance · 17/02/2023 00:12

@Inertia i have tried to chase up the CMS, he is self employed and cooks his books so they said he only has to pay £100 a month. Then it went down to £90. He has said he earns £11 thousand a year however has a mortgage to pay, as well as his lavish lifestyle and memberships to top gym, golf, football memberships and soho house! He is a liar but he runs his own company so the CMS said it’s not illegal to give yourself a small salary. When I tried to raise in family courts (which you are not allowed to do anymore) he said he had “over paid me in the past” so he doesn’t owe anything!
thats a whole new topic of convo that I could go on about but it’s just so tiring!!

but yes you are right, an Aldi one too as I think he’d be embarrassed carrying that as he only shops in M&S!

thanks for your advise!!

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 17/02/2023 00:16

No to the pram. 2 nappies the last bit of a packet of wipes and some snacks. That's it. Then do not answer his messages.

Inertia · 17/02/2023 00:22

That’s very frustrating, but sadly all too common. They should be enforcing what they’ve directed though, even £90 a month would help if he actually paid it!

YesitsBess · 17/02/2023 00:39

mamadance · 17/02/2023 00:12

@Inertia i have tried to chase up the CMS, he is self employed and cooks his books so they said he only has to pay £100 a month. Then it went down to £90. He has said he earns £11 thousand a year however has a mortgage to pay, as well as his lavish lifestyle and memberships to top gym, golf, football memberships and soho house! He is a liar but he runs his own company so the CMS said it’s not illegal to give yourself a small salary. When I tried to raise in family courts (which you are not allowed to do anymore) he said he had “over paid me in the past” so he doesn’t owe anything!
thats a whole new topic of convo that I could go on about but it’s just so tiring!!

but yes you are right, an Aldi one too as I think he’d be embarrassed carrying that as he only shops in M&S!

thanks for your advise!!

Print out a link to his local free cycle group and pop it in the sainsburys bag with the nappy and wipes. Always a few strollers on there if his Waitrose bill is so high he can't manage a 20 quid Argos one 😊

DungareeDana · 17/02/2023 06:11

I'd give him a plastic bag with some nappies in and a plastic water bottle and I'd say I'd stopped using a pram if you can get your son to the contact centre without it.

Buying another pram is still going to give him a pawn. Unless you intend to buy one every time your ds sees him.,

OurChristmasMiracle · 17/02/2023 07:24

First of all, seeing as he wants to communicate via solicitors my point of call would be an email to his solicitor advising:

Dad has asked me to continue to provide nappies, wipes, snacks and a buggy for DS. However, as dad would like more contact with DS I feel that he should be providing these for himself. I also feel that it prevents things that DS may need from being forgotten to be returned at the end of the contact. I will continue to provide these for 2 weeks so that dad can purchase the required items. For dads reference DS is currently in x brand nappies size y, I choose to use z wipes. DS will also need a proper meal and snacks whilst in dads care”

EllieRosesMammy · 17/02/2023 07:29

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP, he sounds like a complete arsehole. I agree with everyone else, he's not paying CM so dont give up your pram, he can clearly afford to buy is own if he's affording ridiculous designer jackets. Have you pushed for him to pay CM? X

Okunevo · 17/02/2023 07:38

Can't you just say you don't own one anymore? I'd passed DS's on by two and a half.

Dogstar78 · 17/02/2023 07:45

I really feel for you. I have been here. Still am, but it has got easier as my son has got older. I would say your son walks now. If he gets tired he'll have to carry him, or do something that doesn't require a pram. I would really want to hand my son over with nothing, but in reality would probably get the crappest plastic bag I could find and put the absolute min in them. I would decant wipes into a freezer bag. OR find the girliest, fluffy ridiculous bag and give him that.

LondonSouth28 · 17/02/2023 07:52

My ex used to do this. He did it because he was lazy and tight. I raised it with my solicitor who laughed and said why on earth are you doing that? His time, his responsibility. Do not send things with him unless it's things like medication etc. send a note via the solicitors advising them a few days in advance that he needs to bring all his son requires for the 5 hours he has him. End of.

FannyChmelar · 17/02/2023 07:55

What an absolute wasteman. How can the courts not see that it’s not healthy to expose a young child to a controlling abuser. Your son would be better off with no contact at all with him.

bellac11 · 17/02/2023 07:59

He needs to come prepared with all the things that his son will need, so he needs to come with a packed back with snacks, nappies etc and he needs to get a pram/buggy

HighlandCowbag · 17/02/2023 08:00

It's all a manipulative game as you know.

What I did with dd at a similar age and similar, almost identical situation, as pp suggested and bare minimum in an aldi carrier bag. He was doing handovers via my dm at the time, he was furious apparently. My dsis had an old pushchair so that lived at DMs for him to use if he chose to. I bet if you ask around mates and family someone has one in a garage or shed they will donate to the cause. He doesn't even need to know you still have yours. 'It broke, don't really need it anymore so not replacing, use this one or buy your own'. I also had a bag of charity shop/hand me down clothes for dd to wear when with him as he wanted 4 or 5 full sets for his 24 hour contact and guaranteed only half would come home. And anything nice he bought for her she wasn't allowed to keep at home.

Including Christmas presents he left for her at dms, then wanted packing back up boxing day for at his house. So had an upset 3 year old who wanted the new flash toys she had opened the day before. I just do not, and never will understand how men can use their children in this way and I would love to see family courts come down on them like a ton of fucking bricks.

Rightsraptor · 17/02/2023 08:10

Trouble is, this man is using the boy as a pawn and he knows OP isn't going to make the child 'suffer' (by no nappies or snacks etc - not exactly suffering but ykwim).

But surely at 2 and a half the child will soon be out of nappies?

If there was no pram, would they have to stay at the centre? No so bad, surely.

You may have to harden your heart for a while, OP.

Weesweetiewife · 17/02/2023 08:14

He could place a tracker on the buggy or on any item going between you..