Ex partner has now started requesting pram as well as packed bag for his contact

[mamadance]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

DS father (narc/controlling/abuser) has contact via a contact centre. He is allowed to take DS away so doesn’t have to stay. This has been happening since October 2022.
He is now requesting I send DS with his pram also now, as well as a packed bag he uses the nappies and wipes and occasionally the snacks. He doesn’t pay any CM and it’s been that way since May 2022.

should I still be providing everything even though on his hours it should be up to him? He’s tried to use the bag as a pawn before by purposely forgetting it and refusing to bring it back to the contact centre and insisted it went to my mothers house. (He hates the fact he has to see his son through a contact centre, so my instinct told me by him dropping the bag to my mums house would allow him to raise to the courts that we were comfortable with a bag handover so why not with DS? - he is SO manipulative and luckily I am so clued up by his sly tricks these days!)

should I send DS with a bag full of nappies, wipes, snacks and a drink, toys and now his pram?
Ever since we split when DS was 15 months he refuses to communicate what he has eaten or how much he has slept, so I had to always try and figure it out for myself. We now have a non molestation order in place so he can’t actually contact me but he doesn’t even tell the handover staff when they ask. So neglectful for DS. Sometimes now I can see what snacks DS has had from the bag sometimes. DS is now 2.5 years old so can communicate however I could ask him if he has a sand sandwhich and sometimes he’d say yes! 😂

This is also a man who is requesting 50/50 custody as part of his post separation abuse via the courts and child arrangements. If he truly feels he is so capable of meeting DS needs then why isn’t he providing things that he needs.

Part of me wants to leave it all up to him but my heart can’t take the thought of DS going without!?

What a horrible horrible man.
I truly hope he gets a bug up his arse about something else and pisses off for good.

I got a cheapo Argos buggy for about a tenner for holidays as I didn't want my pram fucked by the airline. So if I were you I'd bring DS into the contact centre in one of those, and a Lidl carrier bag with 2 nappies, 5 wipes and a sandwich bag with a sandwich in it, plus a bottle of water.

Did you say that he threw you out of your own house? The one you were reared in?? I sincerely hope you managed to get it back from him??

Can’t your ex afford a pram, wipes and snacks for his own son??? . I would ask that to him and have a conversation in writing about it then show it as evidence in the court when he demands 50 % custody of a child when he can’t even buy him or afford a pram.

This ^

Refusing to provide will not result in your ex buying a pram, bag and wipes. It will only result in your child being neglected even if the right thing is for his dad to provide what the kid needs during contact.

Whilst I would hate the thought of my son suffering, at 2.5yrs if he doesn't have a snack or nappy change for 5 hours it wouldn't be the end of the world (I'd give a big meal beforehand) - and if he did come back with a dirty nappy or hungry/thirsty I would record that with my solicitor - every time.

If he's a responsible Dad he would have everything he needs to meet his sons needs whilst he's got him.

Just say no. Good luck!

I’m so sorry your ex is utterly awful!

Your ex puts him in a $500 Canada goose jacket but won’t buy a pushchair?

From now on send your son with a disposable plastic bag with enough nappies in it. No wipes. Just nappies and some snacks. Wait for your ex to complain. It will demonstrate he is harassing you.

Why would you send a bag when your ex is deliberately holding on to the bag so he can go to your mother’s house? No freaking way!

Also, my son refused to go in his pram after he could start walking longer distances. That age was the same age your son is now.

He pays zero maintenance and won’t even supply his own nappies! No way in hell I would hand over the pram.

What about the safety aspect?

It's my cynical brain talking, but what is he puts something on the items, tracking or recording device?

You have a non mol order, I don't know if that involved you having to move, but this is him trying to continue to control you.
You want the best for your son but, his dad needs to step up and provise these things himself.

After all the advise what I think I’m going to do is provide the nappies, wipes and snack but send a note to contact staff or via solicitor to say the size and wipes and it is now up to him to provide these. As well as the idea of getting a pram off of Facebook market place or Argos.

I’m not going to risk it with the pram, as I think I’m heading into a conflict battle. It’s already happened with the bag and I just don’t want to put myself into a situation where I have to ask for it back.

DS barely uses it, they won’t be going on a 5 hour hike and even still DS usually wants to walk or wants to be carried anyway.

When we were together he was the one who bought the buggy on his credit card. When you’re in a relationship you don’t keep tabs on what you both buy for children as it swings in round abouts. But he is the type of person to say he paid for it so I can be the one to buy a new one. But with him not paying CM I am doing everything by myself on a part time wage, so out of principle it shouldn’t be me to buy it.
This used to happen with the car seat that was isofixed to my car, I’d have to remove it each time and he said I could buy a new one as he put money towards it (he actually didn’t it was all paid for with vouchers and gift money!)

I’ve provided everything since we split when DS was a baby I was fully preparing his bag for a day out and sending his pram, but that was purely for the benefit of DS as he was only 16 months. Since it’s been in the contact centre since DS has been 2.3years I haven’t sent a pram as contact was shorter than it used to be. This has dropped due to an assault that happened on handover hence why we now use CC.

I have a gut feeling this pram will be used as a pawn to get a reaction from me if he doesn’t bring it back as he “paid for it”, so my safest option is to give as many options of places he can purchase or have one for free so that I do not feel guilty in anyway. Not that I should as this man can afford it!

thanks so much for the advise and help! @marly24 love the carbon copy note book idea! Thanks x

Supermarket carrier bag with a few nappies, wipes, essentials he needs. Maybe a small carton of juice and a sandwich. I used to use a contant centre for my little one and the staff can pass over messages. Tell them that this is the last week that you will be giving stuff and that it is his responsibility from now on. Say you want it documented if he isn't bringing stuff to meet his sons basic needs.

I'm liking the idea of anyone daft enough to put a toddler in a £500 Canada Goose jacket using a £20 stroller from Argos... Hang on to your pram OP.

He's playing with you. If you provide even a cheap second hand stroller he won't return it, so you'll be back to square one. Stand your ground, but do it in a nice way, for you, not for him. Imagine you've got 15 years of this to come, but stay strong, and maybe even keep a diary of what happens, again both for yourself and if things escalate, which I hope doesn't happen. And good luck, you sound like one lovely mum.

Yup. This 'man' is a complete shit - shit 'father', abhorrent person.

Baby bank may help with a stroller. You can return it after use to.

The important thing is to set your boundaries and keep to them.
My ex ‘lost’ a scooter, a judo kit, school uniform and anything that he knew would annoy me or irritated him despite causing DS upset.
As PPs have said you’ll soon be needing spare clothes for potty training. Leave a note on what you are doing re that and it will be up to your ex to manage. He will act v quickly when he has to carry a wet child or hungry child.
Good breakfast when you drop off and whatever is needed to rectify your ex’s potentially poor parenting as soon as you pick up. Then as hard as it is spend the next few hours concentrating on yourself and not thinking. DS is able to express himself to his father.

I wouldn't give him it, he will probably refuse to give it back given his track record

Nope, just put one nappy, a wipe in a food bag and one cereal bar in a carrier bag.

That's enough for five hours.

Good point! Plastic carrier bag would be safer

If you get a free one and he refuses to return it say fine bring it next time if he tries to get yours again document it "dad has been provided by mum with a suitable pushchair and needs to use his own"

I wouldn’t send the pram as if you suspect he is using the changing bag to get some leverage he will deffinately also use the big ticket item… the pram!

If you really want to I would check Facebook market place for a free/cheap pram. I’m not sure about where you live, but I’m my area there are loads very cheap or some even being given away. Alternately. Just say no. Your time, your expenses x

On what basis did they order contact centre? I'm going through something similar.

Why are you hearing about his lengthy emails? Surely they can be filtered to what is needed by your lawyer?
Stipulate he provides his own buggy.

Do not be too concerned how you will seem to courts. They have seen it all, and it is emotionally difficult for you.
Have snacks and free time to deal with your child after the visits.
Ask Mum to be your in-between person for any returns or forgotten games for the foreseeable future.
Stay strong.

Enjoy your time with your wee person. Do not let it be ruined by the other parent.
You have a right to be a happy healthy free mother.

Clarify what’s most important for you and write those two things down for yourself. And every time you need to make a decision, refer back to these principles. It will help.

I’m guessing that what matters is probably

1. Your ds’ safety and comfort
2. Not being dragged into power games

Don’t put yourself in a position where he can pull your strings. If you say you won’t send nappies anymore, you’re giving him the opportunity to refuse, and then you have to back down and send them, or risk ds coming back soiled with nappy rash.

It would be better to send a message, via the contact centre/solicitor, that ds uses x brand/x size and ask that he confirm he will be providing them going forward. If he doesn’t, you can keep sending that message without losing face and you’re creating a paper trail and witnesses.

Are you keeping a diary? You need a cheap A4/A5 diary. Note contact, and briefly anything that happened or didn’t happen. No emotions just facts. Print out emails and correspondence and staple to the relevant date. It will be an invaluable resource in court. Jot down “bag not returned”. “Sent note with nappy info- X declined to provide” and “no CM paid Jan”.
This takes it out of the he said/he said territory.

Start a new packet of wipes when the packet runs low so you can send that.

Tell him to go get a pushchair, bag and equipment for his child.. these men are the worst. Hold your position on this.

I associate ''Canada Goose'' with dodgy dealings ..If he can afford a child's jacket that will be outgrown, he can afford nappies and a pushchair...and money in maintenance for the child.

Provide nothing and mark the nappy you send your ds to contact in. If he comes home with the nappy unchanged point this point this out loudly to contact centre staff. Insist they ask your ex if your child has eaten or drunk. Far better to know if he can/will provide the basics for your ds now, whilst contact is overseen.