I’ve smacked 4 year old and feel terrible

[Cantwait4summer94]

My son who is four is playing up a lot for me recently, he is absolutely brilliant for everyone else who looks after him but for me he is becoming more challenging.
he kept pushing his baby sister who is nearly 11 months and wouldn’t stop even when I asked. He then threw something heavy at my face and I’m sure I’m going to have a black eye tomorrow. I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once. he has since said ‘I’m so sorry mummy’ but my behaviour was out of order

Of course it's not OK. It's even less ok that you use violence as a punishment for his violence.

I'd seriously reconsider my marriage if dh did this to our child.

Totally agree with you. OP, don't feel bad. You were pushed to the end of your tether by pain and your son's appalling behaviour.

Actually, I would go further than my original post. OP has taught her son that if he hits someone he will get hit back. That’s how it works in the real world so it’s a valuable life lesson, especially for a male. He needs to learn young that you can’t go around starting fights.

it would be different if she randomly hit him because he wouldn’t tidy his room or finish his dinner for example - that would be abuse.

If OP had been gentle after getting a black eye and said “oh dear Thomas, mummy is hurt, please say sorry”, her son would learn that hitting people gets him gentle attention. Not true in the real world and won’t do him any favours. He’s unlikely to hit OP again now so OP won’t need to deal with this again in future.

Thank you

It’s all abuse. And she’s taught him that if a 4yo human that is teeny tiny compared to another fully grown adult human throws something that accidentally hits them, then that much larger and stronger human can hit them back several times.

He will now apply this to his 11mo sister when she throws something at him, he will hit back, harder and several times.

👏👏 Not something to crow over as a lesson in “real life.”

Yesterday my son aged 3 bit me. I am exhausted and pregnant. I was utterly shocked . I then saw he went i bite me again and I grabbed his head with my hand and it clearly startled him. I shocked myself . Him too. I didn’t hit him but I pushed his head away and it wasn’t nice . We both cried . Feel awful .

hugs op

This child flung something heavy at his mum hard enough to leave a bruise. That isn't normal for a 4 year old. A one off event is not comparable to years of abuse and a parent reacting when seriously hurt isn't irreparably teaching them that you and your younger child deserve to be hit constantly.

I do think you need to think about the reasons he's acting out to see how you can both be calmer.

Had she done this to an adult in public she'd be up on charges amd could get jail time. How does doing this to a 4 YO child behind closed doors somehow make it something to just not worry over

Actually it would be self defence wouldn’t it?

Generally people acknowledge that disciplining children is very difficult as they have such limited speech and understanding compared to adults. And that at times, when they are hurting themselves or somebody else, gentler methods simply will not work.

Coupled with the fact small children can go through stages and push your boundaries day in and day out - screaming, throwing food, kicking things, pushing siblings, hitting you… months and months of this will drive even patient adults to the end of their tether.

No, it is not okay to thump children, but there
is a world between doing this on a regular basis and what happened with OP - a parent at the end of their tether slapping their child’s bottom because he had hurt his younger sibling and then thrown a heavy object at her face. OP knows she shouldn’t have done it but she is human.

Pretending this is all directly comparable to domestic abuse in a couple, or people who actually abuse children, is ridiculous.

Not acceptable at all. If this were a man at his witt's end with his wife, would it be acceptable to assault her? There would be a chorus (quite rightly) of LTB.

There is huge scope between 'why did you hit your sister, are you sad?' and physical violence! Be should have been disciplined but not assaulted.

It's very difficult when they physically hurt you. I remember my DC went through a phase of really badly pulling my hair. It really hurt and they would not let go. My natural impulse was to slap them so they'd stop. I didn't but I felt the impulse very strongly and could see how you might succumb if at the end of your tether.

Who do you feel awful for stopping him from biting you? Is this what ideal mumsnet parenting is now, allowing your kid to bite you without so much as grabbing him away?

Agree

Another here saying it isn’t the end of the world. You’re clearly a good mum and this once you lost your temper - you’re human - and to be honest his behaviour in that instance was terrible and harmful. I’m not saying smacking is warranted but you can move on and use it as a learning experience for both of you.

Sit him down and apologise, explain your feelings and what led you to react that was and that YOU are sorry too. A good lesson. Not to worry.

Yes the words abuse and assault are being used to refer to this incident

It wouldnt meet threshold for police intervention or child protection interventions. It wouldnt be seen as assault based on OPs information, it would reasonable chastisement. That may not be what it is morally but within the law and thresholds for action thats what it is.
And it certainly wouldnt meet thresholds for separation as I can see some posters think that OP should be absent from the home following this incident.

Thank you to those who have given some great advice in their replies it has been very helpful.

If it was probably a third of parents at least would need to have their kids removed.

I was smacked as a child, it really didn’t traumatise me. I don’t think about it really nor has it taught me ‘violence is the answer’. It wasn’t all the time and it was an open handed slap on the bottom or wrist if I did something very dangerous or incredibly naughty. Most kids were smacked in the 80s/90s as far as I remember.

However leaving bruises or regularly smacking your child for the slightest bad behaviour IS abuse. But that’s not what has happened here.

Kids can really trigger the worst parts of us. I'm sure if we all reflected on our parenting there will be times when we've not acted our best. Nobody is perfect. I doubt your son will remember and life will keep rolling forward. I don't want to make you feel worse then you already do op, it wasn't the right thing to do. Feeling sorry doesn't really matter it's what you do next time.

I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once.

How many times was it OP? Was that suppose to say WAS just once or did you repeatedly hit him like you said?

He s jealous of sibling.
She isnt there at childminder right?
Move her or him out of the way if he aggravates her
Remove him if he throws something to somewhere with nothing to throw
Slapping him teaches him to slap

I'm sure you know it wasn't the right way to go about things. It's happened now, what can you do? Recognise how you feel and how you've made him feel and don't do it again. You've made a mistake, tomorrow is a new day

Yep. My nephew was a bit of a bully at 4 years old towards his other cousins, including smaller ones. He was spoken to over and over again. The only thing that stopped him from hurting the other children was a smacked bum from his granny. He never did it again.

So the way to teach him not to be aggressive towards his little sister, is by you being aggressive towards him?

I don't deny it's difficult to stay calm but what you've done is not right.

It wouldnt meet threshold for police intervention or child protection interventions. It wouldnt be seen as assault based on OPs information, it would reasonable chastisement. That may not be what it is morally but within the law and thresholds for action thats what it is.

I disagree. It was intentional and persistent.

Don't beat yourself up about it. X

What do you mean remove him?