I’ve smacked 4 year old and feel terrible

[Cantwait4summer94]

My son who is four is playing up a lot for me recently, he is absolutely brilliant for everyone else who looks after him but for me he is becoming more challenging.
he kept pushing his baby sister who is nearly 11 months and wouldn’t stop even when I asked. He then threw something heavy at my face and I’m sure I’m going to have a black eye tomorrow. I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once. he has since said ‘I’m so sorry mummy’ but my behaviour was out of order

I wouldn't use the word beating for this, but it does actually fit the dictionary definition.

Oh my gosh the drama on this thread. People are lapping it up…meanwhile OP’s son will have entirely forgotten his smack.

Nope. OP’s son will be behaving as though he’s forgotten the slap (let’s not sanitise assault with the word smack, which people are desensitised to). But he has learnt that his mummy is not always a safe person for him. That’s heartbreaking. She needs to ensure it doesn’t happen again, and he loses even more trust in her.

How dramatic.

He said ‘sorry mummy’

Just out of interest, did you apologise to him for hitting him ?

Yes

Your child will push you to your limits more than a couple of times. You need to get a handle on your reaction to his behaviour because this is absolutely not OK.

You can't react with violence, it's not teaching him the right messages along with other reasons probably already explained to you in this thread. Learn to punish appropriately and keep your temper in check. Remove yourself from the situation if you feel yourself losing control. You lost control once, you feel bad for it so learn from it.

I don't condone hitting children but you can redeem yourself by never letting yourself reach this point again.

Abusing a child is most definitely a failure.

Ffs do you actually understand what abuse is? It’s not a parent, in a moment of extreme stress, smacking her child’s bottom and feeling instant remorse. If you knew what some kids went through you wouldn’t be so hysterical and dramatic just because you disapprove of what the OP did.

I do. An act of violence is abusive. It is like the old tired tropes about a groped boob not being assault. You do not touch another's body to harm. Ever. It is illegal to smack here. If I saw it, if I knew of it, I would absolutely report it. It is abuse and minimising it does noone any favours.

And yes, I often work with victims of abuse. Hence me taking a zero tolerance stance.

You slapped your child. That’s physical abuse. Seek parenting advice and have a plan in place that will prevent this from happening again. Sure, we’ve all made parenting mistakes but this is dire.

Then you’ll know that abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not an isolated incident like this one. OP is not an abusive mother, she’s a stressed one who made a mistake and feels very guilty. If she did it again then it would be a pattern and ‘abuse’. But this level of hysteria serves absolutely nobody.

You can think what you like. I do not think it is hysterical at all. I posted a measured and helpful reply to the op upthread, suggesting that she needs help. I firmly believe she does. I am not going to suger coat anything and say this is ok. It is not. It is a huge wake up call. Op needs to deal with her stress differently. She needs to safeguard her child by working out how this happened and what else might happen in the future. If everyone says to not worry, it is all grand, it is normal etc the risk is that op is reassured and her child is endangered. She needs to address this because it is serious and I don't care whose feathers are ruffled. It is not hysteria to point out child abuse. Acts of physical violence against a child are abusive.

You haven’t ruffled any feathers, you’re just wrong. You’re trying to label this as something it isn’t - but then that’s mumsnet isn’t it? Remove all context, boil down to most shocking components and then judge the people involved on a very distorted set of ‘facts’ like that one incident is representative of their entire personality.

If OP was a child hating abuser, she wouldn’t even have posted this thread because she wouldn’t have seen what she did as wrong or worthy of discussion. Bad people don’t care that they’re bad, they certainly don’t do online confessionals because they feel guilty.

@Cuppasoupmonster out of interest, how many times is it ok for a man to slap his wife if she misbehaves? And if he says he feels bad about it, does that get him another go?

Or is it abusive to slap your wife? Not really sure how your mind works, but it’s interesting

Thank you!! X

You do realise my son is absolutely fine now and isn’t holding it against me that he got slapped on the bum? Some very dramatic people on here suggesting I am a child abuser and that I’m failing my son. I don’t know how many times I’ve said I regret what happened but I’m still being scolded.
Only I know what I’m like as a mother and I am definitely not abusing my son in any way.
I made a bad decision and I’ve apologised.
why are you repeatedly trying to make me feel worse?

Because this is mumsnet - like I said context or nuance is stripped away and the remaining bare/distorted ‘facts’ are then used as a summary of the OP’s entire personality.

It’s disappointing here because there are children actually being abused who need the language to stay correctly used for them, not for a one-off bottom smack which the parent regrets.

If what you’ve told us is correct then you are absolutely NOT abusive, just a stressed mum who reached her limit and knows not to go there next time.

Why are you still minimising? I am not trying to make you feel worse. I am holding a position when being challenged. My position will never change, physical violence is never acceptable and I will not condone it to make you feel better. I posted an understanding reply, acknowledging you are struggling, I told you I think you need help, but am being accused of being some kind of drama queen for pointing out that this is abusive behaviour. Which it is! If you do not want people to say your behaviour is abusive, stop being a perpetrator of domestic violence and sort out your anger.

Perpetrator of domestic violence 🤦‍♀️
I’ve heard it all now 🤣🤣

@Cantwait4summer94 I can see why these comments are hurting you because you're feeling dreadful and guilty but I do also think you need to listen and take them on board.

There seems to be some perception about abuse and harm in childhood that it's perpetrated by 'bad' people and not parents who love their children, maybe because that's easier to believe than the alternative.

It's not true though. People aren't good or bad, they're complex. You could be a lovely person but if you don't have control of your emotions and your actions, you could still cause emotional and physical harm to your child.

I'm sure your child is fine but equally they may well always remember the day that mummy lost control. Hopefully this will be because it never happened again.

The impacts on children isn't just about the 'smack'. It's the fear it will happen again, the worry that mum isn't ok and the risk of that secure base being a bit wobbly.

Can I trust this, am I ok, am I safe. Is mum/dad/whoever still in charge and in control?

I know you know it's wrong but actually losing your temper and repeatedly hitting your child is abusive. So accept that and strive to be different.

What are you doing to reduce your stress levels and make sure it doesn't happen again?
What is your plan for the next time he or his sister are driving you completely potty because all kids do at some point?
How will you respond?

Still minimising. It really is not funny, but I am finished responding to you. You do not want help, you want people to tell you that your behaviour, which was abusive and was domestic violence, that is what hitting family members is, is ok. It is not. If my dp did this, I would ring the police, leave him and push to limit his access to my children to contact centres until he completed anger management. It is not ok,or funny because you are a woman.

I don't think it's the same scenario with your dp tbh

I grew up in the 70s and it was normal to be smacked and this included teachers. I know times change

Thank god you are finished responding because you are talking utter crap. I think you are nothing but a bully who has accused me of all sorts.
go away

I am 50 and was never smacked. Neither was my brother or sister. None of us behaved worse than our peers, nor have we grown up to behave badly.

If smacking really worked it wouldn't need to be done over and over by parents. But some of my friends seem to be hit regularly, so clearly wasn't the cure all some parents might like to tell say it is.

It really isn't and hitting and hurting a much smaller person is always wrong imo. Reacting physically out of anger or reacting in a planned manner and hurting a young child should never be the answer.

The op should apologise to her child.
At 4y they are old enough to understand some of this, if done in the right manner.
Explain that hitting is wrong and something we shouldn't do. Otherwise, why is it ok for his parent to hit him but he can't hit his smaller sister?