I’ve smacked 4 year old and feel terrible

[Cantwait4summer94]

My son who is four is playing up a lot for me recently, he is absolutely brilliant for everyone else who looks after him but for me he is becoming more challenging.
he kept pushing his baby sister who is nearly 11 months and wouldn’t stop even when I asked. He then threw something heavy at my face and I’m sure I’m going to have a black eye tomorrow. I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once. he has since said ‘I’m so sorry mummy’ but my behaviour was out of order

Ponderingwidow thats a a very strange post you have written,

How do you know the position of the child
Father or that "he is best placed
To decide"
And that this woman should do what "he says without question"

I am flabbergasted by your post to be honest

He is 4. What is OP’s excuse?

There are better ways of managing this behaviour. Do you not think that reacting with violence is probably not the way to show him that his behaviour is unacceptable? It just shows him that if you are bigger and stronger you can hit out to show your dominance.

It's not either/or though, is it?
If an adult 3 x the size of a child, cannot ''show a child who is boss' without resorting to violence then there's a problem.

@Cantwait4summer94
You know it was wrong and you have assaulted your child.
Nothing he did justifies that and actually responding to aggression with aggression is entirely counter productive anyway so please ignore the apologists for this because they are wrong.

You need to apologise to your child and tell them what you did was not ok and you are really sorry that happened.
Tell him you were upset and lost your temper.
Tell him that you are going to do things differently.

Absolutely do not tell your child they can't tell anyone else. He might want to and actually that's ok and he should not feel like he can't.

You need to look at how to make changes and you need to be accountable for them. This is on you and not your son. He's 4, this is in no way his fault or his responsibility.

If you are stressed and struggling get some help. Children's centre, GP?
You need a strategy for what you will do if you feel this way again.
Walk away, count to 50, whatever it is.

You slapped a 4 year old, across the face I assume, several times?

And people think it is OK?

You are the parent and the responsible adult. Yes his behaviour is challenging but that does not excuse the use of violence.

How would you feel if your partner slapped you repeatedly in the same way because your were having an argument and he was finding your behaviour ''challenging''?

This would be assault so I am not quite sure why you think it is OK for you to do that to a child.

The fact that you hit him repeatedly is concerning and completely unacceptable.

He's 4 ffs!

Do you really think the way to teach a child not to use violence is to be violent?
You need to go away and learn a little bit about parenting and behaviour if you do.

I agree with this.

You can't honestly be serious.

Such a shame how many people think hitting is the only way to show who’s boss! You can have well behaved children and not have to slap them about to make them so, you know?

Feeling bad after what she’s done doesn’t make it okay. Or mean she won’t do it again. She basically said she repeatedly smacked a very young child and it was his fault because he asked for it/deserved it. It’s beyond unacceptable. It’s abuse.

I’ve got a nearly 4 year old and the posts defending this make me sick. Have a word with yourselves.

I am surprised so many people think it's okay to hit a 4 year old child (and more than once!).

I never once said I slapped him across the face??
I slapped his bum, it doesn’t make it any better but i certainly didn’t slap his face.

he has since said sorry for throwing something at my eye and he said sorry for pushing his sister and I said I was sorry too. He’s now running around and laughing and playing nicely.

I wrote one of my law school dissertations on physical chastisement of children under The Children Act, as it then was.

I am shocked at the ‘well it never did us any harm’ comments above. You need to do your research into some of the far reaching psychological damages done to children in years gone by, and still today behind closed doors.

OP, the problem here is that you have role modelled to your 4 year old that it’s okay to hit someone smaller, weaker, and with fewer defences than yourself. Like perhaps your baby sister, the pets, smaller children at nursery…

You have been very honest that you lost your temper and saw what happened. You need a solid plan of steps to take if you ever get close to feeling like that again. It needs to be sufficiently robust so that even if you get to step 10 on that list of coping mechanisms, you know for sure you won’t hit your child.

Everyone is human and some people have more of a temper than others because they are wired that way. You just have to work a bit harder to make sure you can cope in those situations.

Apologise to your son and explain that it is never right to hurt people (or pets) and that it won’t happen again. Tell your partner once you have had this conversation with your son.

All the best for the future.

The most concerning thing is it was not just once! Have you ever done it before? I really feel for you but maybe think about why and how your lost your cool? Because you’d never do it to dh no matter what he did, right?
Saying all that, most of us were smacked in the 90s and we’re not all messed up. It was a bad thing to do but it’s done now. Acknowledge that it IS bad and do everything you can to ensure it wont happen again.

it Is good you recognised this is not something you want to make a pattern. Definitely some parenting books can help or looking in counselling etc. It can be helpful to speak to your health visitor they may know of classes etc. It could be helpful to make a plan/ work out what you’re going to do if you feel that frustrated. It is perfectly ok to make sure the kids are safe and then go into another room saying mummy is upset so is going to have a few minutes by herself. Do you need some more time to yourself to stop the frustration building? Could you ask their dad to step up for a bit or even just observe what works for him. Does your son need 1:1 time without the baby?

She basically said she repeatedly smacked a very young child and it was his fault because he asked for it/deserved it. It’s beyond unacceptable

Please show me where i said that? Maybe you need to read it back rather than twist it

Agreed. Please please let’s not normalise it.

There is a middle ground between shaming the op and saying it’s ok. You’d never hit an animal or a baby so somewhere deep down you’ve normalised it for a 4 year old.

Don’t beat yourself up but please don’t do it again.

I feel like when you see red you immediately get out of the way and calm down

The most worrying thing about this thread is all the people piling on the OP to tell her it was a terrible thing (she knows that, thats why she posted), to tell her she shouldnt have done it (she knows that, thats why she posted), to tell her it mustnt happen again (she knows that, thats why she posted)

But not one ounce of guidance and advice about what to do to manage these situations in the future, what strategies can help, what programmes can help, who to contact to get help etc

Its just finger wagging and a telling off and making her feel worse than she did already. She came on here for support.

You got angry and repeatedly assaulted a 4 year old.

This wasn't one smack out of fear he was going to hurt himself or similar, it was a repeated assault because you were pissed off with him.

What if you tell your dh, he gets pissed off with you and smacks you a few times? Would that be OK after he says sorry?

You need parenting classes and ways to manage your anger, getting so pissed off with a small child that you resort to assault isn't normal behaviour.

It does sound like you have a lot of resentment towards him in general, and you've now taught him that if he gets annoyed he can hurt people. If you don't seek some form of help with your parenting it's going to turn into a vicious circle.

Ah, MN.

Woman says husband slapped DC?

"Run! Now! Take the DC, phone the police, and don't ever let this abuser see them again."

Man says he slapped DC?

"You are a child abuser. Your wife should leave you you scumbag.".

Man says wife slapped the DC?

"Well if you don't protect your DC you're an enabler of abuse. Protect your DC by leaving FFS.".

Woman says she slapped DC?

"Oh don't worry yourself! It's not good but chalk it up to experience. No need to tell their dad. Bet DC won't do it again!".

The OP slapped her son multiple times. Her 4 YO child. Had she done this to an adult in public she'd be up on charges amd could get jail time. How does doing this to a 4 YO child behind closed doors somehow make it something to just not worry over because even though it's wrong it might dissuade him from doing it again or becuase she's just lost her temper? Children should not be dissuaded from doing things because they are terrified of physical assault from their parent!

OP needs to get some help. She shouldn't be left alone with the DC until she has taken some steps to prevent this happening again. People will be along to say "how impractical" and that it's OTT. But if this was the DC's father the majority of posters would at least be saying he shouldn't be alone with the DC for a time, if ever.

Yes, their father should be told if he's on the scene. As any mother would believe she'd a right to know if her husband did this while she wasn't there.

It's tricky to know what steps need to be taken without knowing more. But at least some sort of support from another responsible adult, the children's father/OPs partner ideally, and if available support from extended family to be on hand to help so OP doesn't become so overwhelmed thisbvould happen gain. Parenting books or anger management books might be helpful. Counselling even, if loss of temper is something that's been building. Which seems likely becuase few people go from being totally in control all the time to one afternoon losing it so badly they repeatedly slap a small child in front of a baby.

Should this ever happen again something. more drastic needs to happen. As a one off this is terrible and a warning sign. It doesn't warrant total removal of the DC, but it does warrant action. It isn't something you just don't fret over and move on from.

I'd say you both need to apologise - he hurt you, and sometimes when people are hurt badly enough to bruise (and scared by flinging something heavy flung at you), you react in unpredictable and undesirable ways. That's why throwing things is bad. Parents are humans too, not perfect beings.

It's not like you plan to repeat this, yes sit him down and agree what is going to happen next time he's not behaving - remove him? Is he getting overwhelmed? Is he having enough control over his day? Do you take him out for 1:1 time? Age 4 and starting preschool/gearing up for school and a new sibling is challenging. The explosive child is good too.

I had a 4 year age gap and my elder one really, really played up for my attention, tried to push the baby off my lap, endless tantrums - we've all done things once in a while we know were wrong and regret.

If you came along and didn't think you'd done wrong then clearly I'd say something different.

OP, it's very common the little ones pick their mum to show their most challenging behaviour. There's the obvious element that THEY FEEL SAFE AROUND MUM and they are testing how far they can push the boundaries.

If it helps, the one thing that held me back from being physical even when I was in rage is to remember the modelling effect. IT WILL BACKFIRE. They learn how you deal with stress and will copy on.

Lots of times, they are seeking attention, even with problematic behaviour. So removing attention can be very effective. Have a predefined strategy to replace the smacking in situation like this. When you are prepared, it's easier to have things under control.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. It will get easier!

I think this is spot on. I don’t understand why if a husband hits his wife or child it’s cause to leave him but a mother does it to her child and everyone feels sorry for her. It’s abuse and assault.

@bellac11
But not one ounce of guidance and advice about what to do to manage these situations in the future, what strategies can help, what programmes can help, who to contact to get help etc

Try reading the thread before spouting such bullshit. Theres been advice given on the vast majority of posts before you said you pill of utter rubbish:

”I would be sitting him down and explaining what I've done is wrong for a start, looking into someone else helping look after him for a few hours over the next few days so you can get a break and think about how to ensure you don't slap him multiple times again in future.”

”you need to do the emotional labour to ensure you do not hit your DC again.”

“I’d sit down one to one with him, eye to eye, and say “I’m sorry mummy hit you, mummy was angry but hitting is wrong and mummy should not have hit you and is very sorry. Would you like a hug?” I would model the behaviour I would hope he would learn if that makes sense?”

”When everyone's calmed down, you need to tell him that he was wrong to hurt you, and you were wrong to hurt him too. We all make mistakes, we are going to promise never to hurt each other again. And hug and make up. Tomorrow is a new day.”

” I read a couple of parenting books that helped me come up with an approach, so I had a different way to react the next time. I found 123 magic very helpful. And how to talk so little kids will listen.”

”You need to apologise to him, show him that adults sometimes make mistakes and that you will never hurt him again. Then you need to get yourself some parenting support because they get trickier as they get older!”

“If it was more than that (and only you know the answer to this one) or you have bruised or marked him, I think you need to seek some help from your health visitor or GP about how to handle his bad behaviour and stay calm while you do it.”

”You should apologise immediately and tell him that what you did was wrong and you are so sorry. Telling a 4 year old not to be violent, by inflicting violence on them is ridiculous and damaging.”

“start by telling the child’s father what you have done. He is closest to the situation and best able to decide what measures need to be put in place right now. He may interpret this as an isolated incident that can be managed. He may ask you to move out. Do what he asks without argument. then I would look for anger management classes or counseling. You need to be proactive about making sure this never happens again.”

“You need to get yourself help for anger management.”

“Regardless of anyone's views on smacking if you lost control, and it sounds like you did, that is worrying. You need to get some support with your parenting.…I think it would be a good idea to tell your partner what you did. To buy a book on normal preschooler behaviour and ways to deal with it, if you are still finding it hard talk to a health visitor, see if there are any parenting classes in your area. I am sure someone on here can recommend a useful book (it's been a while since I've had a preschooler). And then you need to move past this and make sure that this sort of out of control smacking doesn't happen again. As someone upthread said, have a plan for next time. Walk away, say something in response 'I don't like that sort of behaviour' ir 'that hurt Mummy, can you say sorry please'. A child his age doesn't do things like this out of malice, it's out of frustration or anger and they aren't able to manage their emotions.”

“You do need to talk to him about it though, you've given very confusing messages telling him not to hurt his sister then hurting him. You need to acknowledge that. You can absolutely move forward and use this as a learning experience for both of you. The misbehavior with you is because you're his safe space and he loves you and feels safest with you. Take it as confirmation of your attachment. I really really recommend Janet Lansbury Respectful Parenting as good books, podcasts etc for when you feel lost. Having to manage 2 competing needs is difficult.”

“You need to apologise to your child and tell them what you did was not ok and you are really sorry that happened. Tell him you were upset and lost your temper. Tell him that you are going to do things differently. Absolutely do not tell your child they can't tell anyone else. He might want to and actually that's ok and he should not feel like he can't. You need to look at how to make changes and you need to be accountable for them. This is on you and not your son. He's 4, this is in no way his fault or his responsibility. If you are stressed and struggling get some help. Children's centre, GP? You need a strategy for what you will do if you feel this way again. Walk away, count to 50, whatever it is.”

“You need a solid plan of steps to take if you ever get close to feeling like that again. It needs to be sufficiently robust so that even if you get to step 10 on that list of coping mechanisms, you know for sure you won’t hit your child. Everyone is human and some people have more of a temper than others because they are wired that way. You just have to work a bit harder to make sure you can cope in those situations. Apologise to your son and explain that it is never right to hurt people (or pets) and that it won’t happen again. Tell your partner once you have had this conversation with your son.

”t Is good you recognised this is not something you want to make a pattern. Definitely some parenting books can help or looking in counselling etc. It can be helpful to speak to your health visitor they may know of classes etc. It could be helpful to make a plan/ work out what you’re going to do if you feel that frustrated. It is perfectly ok to make sure the kids are safe and then go into another room saying mummy is upset so is going to have a few minutes by herself. Do you need some more time to yourself to stop the frustration building? Could you ask their dad to step up for a bit or even just observe what works for him. Does your son need 1:1 time without the baby?”

”I feel like when you see red you immediately get out of the way and calm down”