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Original poster

I’ve smacked 4 year old and feel terrible

275 replies

Cantwait4summer94 · 16/02/2023 15:58

My son who is four is playing up a lot for me recently, he is absolutely brilliant for everyone else who looks after him but for me he is becoming more challenging.
he kept pushing his baby sister who is nearly 11 months and wouldn’t stop even when I asked. He then threw something heavy at my face and I’m sure I’m going to have a black eye tomorrow. I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once. he has since said ‘I’m so sorry mummy’ but my behaviour was out of order

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Sistanotcista · 16/02/2023 16:48

FlamingoCroquet · 16/02/2023 16:46

I think this was an exceptional situation, more than just him 'pushing your buttons' - he threw something heavy and hit the OP in the face, she is going to have a black eye! Obviously it's not ideal parenting to slap him, but my god, we're all human.
When everyone's calmed down, you need to tell him that he was wrong to hurt you, and you were wrong to hurt him too. We all make mistakes, we are going to promise never to hurt each other again. And hug and make up. Tomorrow is a new day.

Excellent advice. Tomorrow is another day indeed. This too shall pass.

Meandthemoggies · 16/02/2023 16:49

RoseThornside · 16/02/2023 16:47

You hit him multiple times and people are saying it's ok?! It's absolutely not ok. You must never do it again. It's called physical abuse.

No-one is saying it's OK. People are saying you know you did something wrong, chalk it up to experience and move on.

GoodChat · 16/02/2023 16:50

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 16:01

Unpopular view on here but I bet he won’t do it again. Some children need to be shown they are not boss. As long as you didn’t thump him?

you know it’s not good to lose your cool but sometimes behaviour is too bad for the gentle “why did you hit your sister? Is it because you are feeling sad?” approach.

So who's boss? The biggest person who hits the hardest?

She hit her child repeatedly.

If a woman posted here saying her husband had done that people would be saying call police and social services.

Interested in this thread?

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4 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting
ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 16/02/2023 16:51

PinkyU · 16/02/2023 16:45

You’re going to have to let his nursery key person know and his child minder as this will be viewed as a safeguarding reportable incident when he discloses, which at four he will.

You need to take this seriously OP. By your own admission you’ve hit/struck your child multiple times, it’s massively wrong (never mind illegal in Scotland).

Paaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

PinkyU · 16/02/2023 16:53

Meandthemoggies · 16/02/2023 16:47

You’re going to have to let his nursery key person know and his child minder as this will be viewed as a safeguarding reportable incident when he discloses, which at four he will.

Sorry but this is utter bs

It’s really not, if I or any of my colleagues had a child disclose that they’d been hit multiple times by a parent we would absolutely have to report it.

bloodymary100 · 16/02/2023 16:54

Op, you're getting a hard time because it's not OK. I think you know that. If my partner so much as raised a hand to me I'd leave; children don't have the luxury of making that choice and they are so small that being hit by an adult is, IMO, the equivalent of a man hitting a woman.

He's good with everyone else because he feels safe with you. He doesn't have to keep any barriers up and he can express his emotions.

You need to apologise to him, show him that adults sometimes make mistakes and that you will never hurt him again. Then you need to get yourself some parenting support because they get trickier as they get older!

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/02/2023 16:54

I would be sitting him down and explaining what I've done is wrong for a start

Ffs he isn’t a 38 year old husband. He won’t know what to say and won’t really understand. No point raking over it with him just to assuage OP’s conscience.

OP, how hard did you smack him and where? If it was a couple of light slaps, move on. Don’t do it again. Have a glass of wine tonight and start fresh tomorrow.

If it was more than that (and only you know the answer to this one) or you have bruised or marked him, I think you need to seek some help from your health visitor or GP about how to handle his bad behaviour and stay calm while you do it.

I’ve never smacked DD, although once she head butted me in the face and I came very very close. It can almost be a knee jerk reaction when they’ve wound you up to a certain point and then injured you. I’m not judging you but you cannot do this again, and you must do what it takes to make sure of that. I hope you’re both ok.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 16/02/2023 16:55

Kids were smacked back in the day and were much better behaved than the horrors of today, so there you go...

Derbee · 16/02/2023 16:59

You should feel terrible. It’s a disgusting thing to assault a child.

You should apologise immediately and tell him that what you did was wrong and you are so sorry.

Telling a 4 year old not to be violent, by inflicting violence on them is ridiculous and damaging.

All the apologists saying that what you’ve done isn’t too bad…would you be saying the same if a man had assaulted his wife but now “felt terrible” about it? No chance

Sugargliderwombat · 16/02/2023 17:01

Wow at everyone saying its OK! And then you're next post you're still blaming him OP?! Saying that he is good for everyone else.... not an excuse.

You can't undo it and plenty have been where you have before but I'm just shocked so many are saying it's OK!

Op where did you slap him and what do you mean more than once ? How many times ?

bellac11 · 16/02/2023 17:01

PinkyU · 16/02/2023 16:45

You’re going to have to let his nursery key person know and his child minder as this will be viewed as a safeguarding reportable incident when he discloses, which at four he will.

You need to take this seriously OP. By your own admission you’ve hit/struck your child multiple times, it’s massively wrong (never mind illegal in Scotland).

In England smacking is legal if its on the body, with an open hand and not an implement and doesnt leave a mark or a bruise

He likely will mention it of course. It would be reasonable chastisment within the law. No need to scaremonger

OP needs to learn new ways of managing difficult times because if smacking is the first port of call then it could lead to her becoming violent to her child. When a smack doesnt work, which way will she go?

Im not keen to castigate parents who lose their cool and then need help and want the help to make changes. OP has done something she regrets, it wasnt a good idea and now needs some new ideas.

Sugargliderwombat · 16/02/2023 17:01

You 100% need to tell him you're sorry and hitting isn't acceptable for anyone to do.

bellac11 · 16/02/2023 17:06

GoodChat · 16/02/2023 16:50

So who's boss? The biggest person who hits the hardest?

She hit her child repeatedly.

If a woman posted here saying her husband had done that people would be saying call police and social services.

Show quote history

You're right that people would be saying that about a husband/male partner. And they're wrong to suggest that. Parents are never perfect, you work through it and support each other to be better.

bluebellaa · 16/02/2023 17:08

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 16/02/2023 16:55

Kids were smacked back in the day and were much better behaved than the horrors of today, so there you go...

Children were punished with a consequential smack on the bum or back of the legs; it's still wrong but it's not the same as being subject to surprise physical assault because their caregiver has lost control of themselves.

Also got to love the old "never did the previous generations any harm" by people who have no insight into the psychological/biological effects physical abuse (in the form of it being regularly used to discipline) has on a developing brain.

Original poster
Cantwait4summer94 · 16/02/2023 17:09

Reluctantadult · 16/02/2023 16:48

You need to have a plan in place so this doesn't happen again. I'll be honest, I did go to smack my daughter a couple of times when she was younger, and caught myself. I was smacked as a child. I didn't want to do parent that way. I read a couple of parenting books that helped me come up with an approach, so I had a different way to react the next time. I found 123 magic very helpful. And how to talk so little kids will listen.

Thank you that is helpful

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 16/02/2023 17:10

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 16:01

Unpopular view on here but I bet he won’t do it again. Some children need to be shown they are not boss. As long as you didn’t thump him?

you know it’s not good to lose your cool but sometimes behaviour is too bad for the gentle “why did you hit your sister? Is it because you are feeling sad?” approach.

It’s an unpopular opinion because it’s just plain wrong , you walk away , you do anything but you do not hit children ( or animals ) . It is totally unacceptable behaviour and the OP needs to sit her child down , apologise and explain to him why what she did is so wrong . I am shocked that more than one poster thinks this is acceptable.

Ponderingwindow · 16/02/2023 17:13

start by telling the child’s father what you have done. He is closest to the situation and best able to decide what measures need to be put in place right now. He may interpret this as an isolated incident that can be managed. He may ask you to move out. Do what he asks without argument.

then I would look for anger management classes or counseling. You need to be proactive about making sure this never happens again.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/02/2023 17:13

You need to get yourself help for anger management.

Abusing a child for acting like a child when they need guidance and redirection is not right or normal.

It's one thing to have a knee jerk reaction that you feel awful about in a split moment but it's another to repeatedly strike a child.

WonderingWanda · 16/02/2023 17:13

I think what you should, and seem to be worried about is that you smacked in an out of control way. Regardless of anyone's views on smacking if you lost control, and it sounds like you did, that is worrying. You need to get some support with your parenting. You say he plays up more for you, this is totally normal. Toddlers and children will act out and test boundaries with the people they feel safe with, they will let it all go and have meltdowns with the person they feel safe with. He behaves badly for you because you are supposed to be his safe space.

I think it would be a good idea to tell your partner what you did. To buy a book on normal preschooler behaviour and ways to deal with it, if you are still finding it hard talk to a health visitor, see if there are any parenting classes in your area. I am sure someone on here can recommend a useful book (it's been a while since I've had a preschooler). And then you need to move past this and make sure that this sort of out of control smacking doesn't happen again. As someone upthread said, have a plan for next time. Walk away, say something in response 'I don't like that sort of behaviour' ir 'that hurt Mummy, can you say sorry please'. A child his age doesn't do things like this out of malice, it's out of frustration or anger and they aren't able to manage their emotions.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/02/2023 17:13

She apologises to the child who pushes his sister, and has given her a black eye. Way to raise a tyrant.

Ihavekids · 16/02/2023 17:14

Op knows its not OK otherwise she wouldn't have posted.

You do need to talk to him about it though, you've given very confusing messages telling him not to hurt his sister then hurting him. You need to acknowledge that.

You can absolutely move forward and use this as a learning experience for both of you.

The misbehavior with you is because you're his safe space and he loves you and feels safest with you. Take it as confirmation of your attachment.

I really really recommend Janet Lansbury Respectful Parenting as good books, podcasts etc for when you feel lost. Having to manage 2 competing needs is difficult.

Obviously it must never, ever happen again and you must make your 4 year old believe that.

Best xx

user1471447924 · 16/02/2023 17:15

He’ll remember and he won’t do it again. There are worse things than smacking.

takethedevilledeggs · 16/02/2023 17:15

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 16/02/2023 16:55

Kids were smacked back in the day and were much better behaved than the horrors of today, so there you go...

Yes, there you go. Generations of children frightened into compliance by the fear that their caregivers were going to hit them.

For a start, let's not sanitize this by calling it smacking.

It's hitting/slapping/punching.
If you hit another adult, it would be assault. Why is it apparently different for children?

SeulementUneFois · 16/02/2023 17:16

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 16:01

Unpopular view on here but I bet he won’t do it again. Some children need to be shown they are not boss. As long as you didn’t thump him?

you know it’s not good to lose your cool but sometimes behaviour is too bad for the gentle “why did you hit your sister? Is it because you are feeling sad?” approach.

Agree with this.

user1471447924 · 16/02/2023 17:18

You’re not raising and in authority over another adult are you?

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