My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

I feel like your son needs to know you back him always regardless of the consequence which I think is just so important for children.
Between you and your girlfriend I'm afraid it is always about your son and always will be.
Don't let those arses round, it's the price they pay for being shit children.
It's unfortunate for your girlfriends son but he needs to understand that within your family people like bullies are not tolerated.

It's hard making brunt decisions where you know someone is going to get hurt no matter what you choose but I feel like your son has been hurt enough. He shouldn't have to compromise any more for those boys

As others have said, your GF is minimising and dismissing your son being physically assaulted.

My school bully is married to my brother's wife's brother and I had to see her at my brother's wedding for the first time in 15 years. I had panic attacks as the date approached and my brother's MIL told him that I needed to get over it. My mum explained to her that I wasn't just bitter about some playground silliness, Bully traumatised me through physical, verbal and psychological attacks over the course of YEARS. She turned other people against me by lying so I was constantly being threatened and/or physically assaulted. I started self-harming, my hair fell out in clumps, I developed an eating disorder and what I would now say was agoraphobia.

I'm 32 and I hate that my brother sees my bully socially. I'm a rational adult so I understand why he does but it still feels like he's disregarding what happened to me. How do you expect to explain to a child that you've invited his bully into his home?

Please no , it's his home and should be his place of safety whether he is there or not. Do not let them into your home. You are right it doesn't sit well. How does his step brother behave towards him? If your gf does understand this then I'd be telling her where to go. You kids health and wellbeing comes first every time! I absolutely hate bullies.

I'd never forgive my parents had they had one of my bullies in my house. The one place you are meant to be safe.

Your home is your sons place to feel safe, if his bullies are invited into this space whether it was past or present bullying this is a complete invasion of his safe space. I think people whos children have never been bullied or experienced it personally don't always understand the gravity of the situation as they have never seen or experienced this suffering (and it is suffering). It is strange that she is only considering her sons feelings and not your sons, this doesn't sound like the kind of person you should have around your child or in your life. You are the only person who knows your gf personally as we are only seeing this one post but personally I think I would struggle to accept this and would definately put my foot down. I hope you can resolve this as it is such a sensitive subject. Relationships are about compromise but this isn't negotiable. The fact your step son can't see they are bad people is also very sad.

Why is she still your girlfriend?

Her son was in some way involved, even if simply by protecting the bullies by lieing. And you make your son live with this boy, who is friends with his bullies and it wont just be this sleepover. Theyll be round to hang out more as they get older and do stuff/invite friends/go out without asking parents first.

Why is this not a deal breaker? Your gf's kid doesnt need to stop hanging out with the bullies if he doesnt want to, and she doesnt have to back your son up but you do and this should be a deal breaker.

Ps I am sorry your son had to go through this. But please don't humiliate him and undermine what he has been through by inviting them into your home.

no fuckign way!!! no chance

If that was my son, no way would I be able to look at the little s#@!s, let alone be courteous to them as guests in my home.

How will you guarantee they won't touch any of your son's stuff - including everything that's outside his bedroom? Even if your son isn't there, I can envisage all kinds of ways they could turn this into an occasion for even more bullying.

We're talking about bullying so bad he had to change schools ffs!! Bruises and ripped clothes" I would be putting my foot down over this, and if your gf complains, tell her it's for the bullying f*@#$#s' own safety to be quite frank.

Your stepson won't be "missing out". Not everyone has sleepovers. Let him go and stay at one of their houses if he's so thoughtless that he's happy to spend time with his brothers' bullies.

There is no way I could tolerate these boys in my home, if they did that to my child. I just couldn’t. They physically assaulted your child to the point that he changed schools?You could manage to be civil to them? Really?!

On another note, I’m astonished that your girlfriend wants these lads around her DS, to be honest. I’d be so worried if my DC were friends with kids capable of that sort of behaviour.

It would be an absolute no, with a few expletives thrown in, from me.

I can't believe any mother would invite bullies into her step-sons home.

She either doesn't believe your son or doesn't give a shit about his feelings. Either way I wouldn't my child's living with an adult who thought so little of him in his home/safe space.

If this were me and my son in the same situation I would be calling time on the relationship OP.
So wrong in so many ways and unless there is something you are not telling us this one needs ending

Just no for all the reasons outlined by others but you already know that.

Your son will not forget that you didn’t protect him and his home and it most likely will effect your relationship long term.

I would re evaluate this relationship as it seems very one sided.

@Clockwise123 Sounds like a wretched situation.
” Just banter “
That’s what every slimy, cowardly bully says.
I’d ditch the GF and protect my son from her son who is friends with these unpleasant violent bullies.

No WAY would I have them in your home.

@Clockwise123 Loyalty to your son is more important than your GF’s son wanting to invite bullies into YOUR home.

You need a better GF.

one that can see that actually when it comes to child on child abuse - bullying, the word just diminishes what it is, abuse - you and your son have a right to set a boundary that your abusers do not enter your home.

if she is not willing to teach her own son that lesson and teach him that he needs to choose his friends more wisely, do you really want her to be ‘step mum’ to your son?

plus sleepovers aren’t essential to maintaining friendships. They’re nice and all that but not essential. They can do something else.

I would not be happy about this.

Do they share the same bedroom?

Even though your son won’t be there they can still see his stuff and use this as something else to bully him about.

He may not go to the same school anymore but I’m sure they can still contact him online.

It will also be very difficult for you to be pleasant to these boys knowing how they put your son through hell.

They don’t even need to come to your home. They can go to a different house or meet up somewhere else.
It doesn’t mean they have to stop being friends.

As a compromise I would agree to them coming round for the day but you go out for the day and leave her to it.

I would be very upset that she isn’t considering mine or my son’s feelings.

She either doesn't believe your son or doesn't give a shit about his feelings. Either way I wouldn't my child's living with an adult who thought so little of him in his home/safe space.

I agree.

I was thinking this.

Poor boy will feel awful knowing these bullies have been in his home, his room, his stuff… awful.

I think you need to kick this one to the kerb. She doesn´t give a damn that her kid thinks highly of abusers, the apple doesn´t fall far from the tree.

You mentioned girl friend. Who's house is it?

Your son needs support and if he has been bullied then these other kids shouldnt be allowed to darken your doorstep for a second......ever. In fact as others have said this raises huge red flags.

Your poor boy. It really does sound like your gf's son knows exactly what was going on (at best) or was involved (at worst).

Your girlfriend will never, ever have your son's back. You are his only protector in that household. Is that what you really want for him? To feel that he's not safe the minute you leave the room? His happiness is much more important than your relationship with your girlfriend could ever ever be, and I would say exactly the same if the sexes were reversed here.

Show your son that he is the most important person in your life and move out and get a home that is safe for him.

I don't think there is a solution for this as a one-off situation really - it's not a unique scenario, but part of a bigger pattern where your gf's son is friends with a group of people who have beaten your son. That's not really fixable. It's also not your place really to fix it - you can't dictate to your gf's son who he can and cannot be friends with - it should be blindingly obvious to your gf to do this right away.

Her support of these boys is basically her supporting your child being beaten up at school, and her bringing them into your son's home is saying that she doesn't want him to feel safe there.

Have you moved into HER home, or has she moved into yours? Or did you get a place together?

No no no. No compromises

Abusive people do not get unsupervised access to my home and the OP should not allow them in in anyway shape or form. Whether he’s there or not.

what the hell does it teach the boys? Be abusive and someone will let you back in.

what if the OPs child wasn’t his son but his daughter? You’d be a firm hell no never not in my house.

Home is your DS's safe space, don't take that away from him.
I'd bet it would be a different story from your gf if it was her ds's bully's entering your home to celebrate with your DS..
Or how about if your gf had been attacked, bruised, clothes ripped and she came home to find her attackers had been in her home, her safe place.
Protect your DS, please

Where is your gf or her sons loyalty? Those boys should NOT be able to set foot in your home. The home where your sons safe space should be. Whether he’s there or not it just isn’t on! I’m sorry but your gf sounds like a bitch.