My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

[Clockwise123]

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

I don't think you should have your son's bullies in your house...I'm sure you know exactly how your son felt with the bullying.... honestly I feel if he finds out you invited them over to his house he will be really upset.....instead of a sleepover suggest a outside playdate/meal/....your girlfriend needs to understand.....

You cannot allow them into your son's safe place, that would be akin to saying that you don't care about him at all, and prefer your GF's son.

There are plenty of other ways GF's son can celebrate his birthday - sleepovers are a privilege, not a right, so he won't be "missing out" if he doesn't get to have one. You can't stop him being friends with the bullies, but you can absolutely stop them entering your home. How would GF feel if it was her son that had been bullied and your son wanted to have the perpetrators over to stay?

You need to put your son before your girlfriend. It’s really as simple as that.

No way! Welcoming his bullies into his own home sends out completely the wrong message to your DS and them. Your son might feel betrayed and it would give the bullies something to gloat about thinking they’ve ‘won’.

Not read past the OP, sorry.
Under no circumstances should your son's bullied be permitted in his home.
Not should anyone who thinks it's acceptable to collude or enable them.
I feel incredibly sad for your son that he's living in an environment where this is even being considered...it's cruel and frankly appalling.

Absolutely no fucking way should this be allowed to happen.

Your GF is attempting to continue the bullying. As is her son.

As a parent, you need to protect your son in every way possible. Do not allow your GF and her son to invite the bullies to intrude into your son’s home and sanctuary.

Such callousness and complete disregard for how your son would feel would mark the end of any trust or respect I had for that person.

Fuck no

Absolutely no chance would I allow my child's bullies in my home, in my sons home! That poor child, his only safe space would be invaded. There's 1 million others things your gf ds could do for his birthday. But the fact he is friends with such bullies in the first place is a HUGE red flag and the fact your gf is so cold and ununderstanding is so concerning. Refuse the sleepover, then LTB

Absolutely not and she is completely unreasonable for asking for this.

Sounds like your girlfriends son is part of the group that bullied your son. I hope your son isn't having to live with him...

I wouldn't have any of them in my house, girlfriend included.

Your home is your son's safe place or it should be. I don't think it is, even without the sleepover. Just the fact your gf's son is friends with his bullies is bad enough, imagine living with people that are meant to be your family, liking and hanging out with people who tortured you! No way on god's green earth would I allow this to happen and I'd really be questioning why you are with this woman who clearly disregards what happened to your poor son. Your DS needs you to step up and be his advocate. I know this will be hard but he must come first. This is NOT normal and everyone is telling you this.

Your son's home should be his safe place.

Your girlfriend and her son don't give a shit about your son's feelings or need to be safe in his own home.

Your girlfriend is prioritising her son's friendship with boys who actively bully your child instead of talking to him about the company he keeps.

I would be extracting myself from the relationship. and asking them to go.

Long story short a person who bullied me was invited into my home when I wasn't there.
I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did.
It made a safe place no longer safe.
This is a no no on all levels!

Not a chance would that happen for me.

How can you bear to be in a relationship with someone who has so little regard for your son? Are you really that desperate to not be alone that you will put up with this woman and her dreadful son minimising your son's bullying and actually being friends with the boys who drove your son out of school?

Of course his bullies shouldn't be in your house! I think it's appalling that your girlfriend thinks it's ok and that you aren't absolutely raging about it.

No chance. Will you be there? How can you be expected to be polite to them?

His home is his escape and your gf mum needs to have a word with her son and his friends parents.

Your loyalty and primary concern resides with your son. Allowing this boy into your home would be letting him down. There's no way in hell I'd allow it, even if it meant an end to the relationship. Stand by you boy.

I’d be very concerned that your gf’s son is friends with nasty bullies. That would be a deal breaker for me. No way would I let my son’s bullies anywhere near my son’s home even if I shared it with a partner. I wouldn’t be in a relationship where they could turn up any time or if my partner ‘okayed’ their child’s friendship with bullies.

What a mess of a situation. I feel for your son.

I wouldn't allow this, not even once, and you know it won't just be once - they'll be over more and more as they get older.

I'm not one for ultimatums but I think one is needed here - either your girlfriend respects your son's needs or you break up. There is no compromising in this.

Fuck that, no way would have the nasty kids in my home. Time for a new GF if she does not support you. Why does she want her DS being friends with them?

Not a chance they would be welcome in my home. Your DP is really not very nice if she thinks it’s acceptable. There are many things she could arrange for her DS to do with these friends away from your home. A sleep over is not necessary.

I bet his bullying friends are loving the idea of invading your DS safe space, probably thinking they will have a rifle through his room and trash a few things. Why is she letting her DS hang out with a bunch of bullies?

Your DS is your priority here, not keeping your DP happy. I think I’d be questioning how this relationship can carry on with this scenario to be honest.

My brother was friends with a boy who had bullied me and used to bring him into our house. I hated it so much. I used to hide in my room when he was there. They're still friends to this day and it's actually still a sore point for me. I don't know whether my mother could have banned my brother from having this particular friend round, but it hurt a lot when she was friendly to him. He was a real parent charmer, you know the sort, and he was obviously a good mate as far as my brother was concerned. So they put no weight on how he treated me, even though he has never apologised.

He came round one time to see my brother when I was staying there for Christmas shortly after my first baby was born and he was sitting there in the living room with us. It made me feel sick to have him included in that family environment, even as an adult, but whenever I have said anything about it I'm made to feel like I'm holding on to a stupid grudge. Maybe I am, but even though what he did wasn't as bad as ripped clothing and bruises, when people who are supposed to love you and be on your side seem to take the side of someone who hurt you, I know it is horrible. How much worse for your son, who has obviously been bullied extremely badly? You absolutely must stand up for him.