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Original poster

My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

481 replies

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:38

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

  1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
  2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
  3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

OP posts:
SunshineLoving · 16/02/2023 17:07

No way. Your home is your son's safe space. The one place where he should feel safe, happy and relaxed. Having these bullies in the house, whether he's there or not, completely goes against that and could be severely damaging to him. Don't try and have them over and not tell him. He will find out, most likely through your girlfriend's son.

If I was you, I would be seriously doubting my relationship with your girlfriend. She can't possibly love or respect your son if she is happy to treat him like this.

Pardon44 · 16/02/2023 17:08

I wouldn't allow a bully to be in his home. It's his safe space. You are living as a blended family. Families dont watch other family member's being bullied. They certainly aren't friends with the bullies. Your GF would have a different view on this if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her kid. I would end the relationship purely because of her lack of care for your child and his wellbeing both emotional and physical.

Rowthe · 16/02/2023 17:09

No bully of my child would step a single foot over the threshold.

chali7 · 16/02/2023 17:11

I'd refuse and if the other child wants to maintain this friendship then they should do so at their other parents house, not in the home of your child who's life was ruined by them.

PinkSyCo · 16/02/2023 17:15

NoDairyNoProblem · 16/02/2023 17:03

It would be a firm no. Your sons home is his safe space, do not allow his bullies to have access to that.

If stepson is insistent that a sleepover with these boys is all he wants to do for his birthday then that has to take place at his fathers home. I would be entirely honest as to why with everyone and show your son you have his back.

I would argue that considering the lad has to share his space with a woman who could not care less about his feelings AND her son, who sticks up for this poor kid’s tormentors that it’s not feeling that safe a space for him at all!

Carlycat · 16/02/2023 17:17

Over my dead body 🤬
Your poor son

sjxoxo · 16/02/2023 17:18

Id say no way. Your loyalties are to both your kids… your gfs daughter can have a bday party somewhere else if she wants them present. In any case your gf shouldn’t be encouraging that friendship and has she not explained to her daughter that this behaviour from someone is unacceptable and has deeply hurt your family unit??? What on earth is she thinking!! Stick up for your son x

Tophy124 · 16/02/2023 17:18

I’d refuse to let my son come back to your home if I was his mother. Your poor son! The fact you haven’t replied on the thread is concerning to me.

You should have made it clear to your stepson that you believed your son and bullying would not be tolerated. He obviously lied and minimized by saying ‘banter.’ Your son was so desperate to escape the physical assaults of which you saw hard evidence, that he chose to leave any friends he had behind and completely start over at a new school.

You have let your son down very badly by expecting him to still be around your ‘stepson.’ He’s not your stepson. He’s your girlfriends son and they both need to be got rid of ASAP for you to maintain a relationship with your own child!

Hoplesscynic · 16/02/2023 17:20

So Your GF keeps saying it's not all about your son...
I'd put it to her this way: if she had 2 sons and one of them was horribly bullied by these boys, would she so happily invite them to her other son's party??
And would her other son so happily be friends with them, knowing they were awful to his brother?
Especially given your update about your son getting physically assaulted by them, no way they would they be coming! Please stand up for him. And what if he happened to be at your house during this party, would that have changed things? Also strange imo he was not invited in the first place, excluded from his step brother's party. Bet it was because step brother chose bullies over him.
Stand firm with your GF, ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed. Also if her son is SO KEEN on having them over, let him celebrate his birthday at his dad's. It's not like your house is the only option.
But I would really worry that he is friends with them, knowing what they've done to your son.

ArrrMeHearties · 16/02/2023 17:20

It's a no from me. Your sons home is his safe space not a place where people that have been bullying him come to visit. Your gf's stance is wrong imo she should be saying no to this

L0bstersLass · 16/02/2023 17:21

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:52

Thank you.

They used to be close.
Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind

GF's son and these boys need to learn that actions have consequences.

Your son moved school because of their behaviour so whatever name it gets tagged with, banter or bullying, it was serious.

It is not appropriate for them to stay over or even visit the house.

EyesOnThePies · 16/02/2023 17:22

Not in a million years.

And if I was your gf I wouldn’t have them in the house either.

And you are right to anticipate anger from your Ds’s mum.

Your son’s home should be his sanctuary. A safe place.

Your girlfriend is betraying you and your Ds.

bloodyshed · 16/02/2023 17:22

Leave the girlfriend.

I would feel utterly betrayed by the adults if you allowed this to happen!

What’s she going to do if you say NO?

MojoDaysxx · 16/02/2023 17:23

I think the messge is very clear. No way.

holierthanthou73 · 16/02/2023 17:26

Get a backbone and put your foot down! Do not allow this to happen!

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 16/02/2023 17:26

I wouldn’t risk it for all the reasons above plus if they poke around and find something to taunt your son with.

Bog · 16/02/2023 17:29

Dump the gf op. They both sound like scruffs.

Jumbojade · 16/02/2023 17:30

No! The bullies should never be in your house, after what they did to your ds. If your gf gives a shit about your ds, she should be stopping her ds being friends with these bullies, never mind allowing them access to your house.

Who’s house is it? If it is yours and you gf insists on having these bullies in it, you should ask both her and her son to leave. If it is her house, you and your ds should move out. Her insistence in thinking that it is okay to allow the boys that bullied your ds, to be in his safe space, should mean the end of your relationship. Please put your ds first, he needs your support in this.

Carlycat · 16/02/2023 17:31

Pardon44 · 16/02/2023 17:08

I wouldn't allow a bully to be in his home. It's his safe space. You are living as a blended family. Families dont watch other family member's being bullied. They certainly aren't friends with the bullies. Your GF would have a different view on this if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her kid. I would end the relationship purely because of her lack of care for your child and his wellbeing both emotional and physical.

This. I'd be questioning her moral compass thinking that this would be remotely acceptable

Braveheart35 · 16/02/2023 17:32

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:38

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

  1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
  2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
  3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

Your DS's home is his safe space. I am gobsmacked you (or your girlfriend) would even consider hosting/entertaining a group of boys that drove your son out of his school.

You have a girlfriend problem.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 16/02/2023 17:33

Home is supposed to be a safe space. It's an absolute no.

TheaBrandt · 16/02/2023 17:35

I have a very studious well behaved never in trouble girl. The only time she ever broke the rules was when she shoved a bully who had made my younger dds life an absolute misery for weeks. Couldn’t have been prouder. Hell would freeze over before that bully girl set foot in our house.

Whyyes · 16/02/2023 17:36

Too many awful people try to pass off bullying as banter or joking around, because they don't want to admit they like making others feel rubbish. Your girlfriend and her son sound awful. They have no empathy or respect for your son. Please stand by him and show him he's worth everything to you. Get rid of the girlfriend and her son

AaaaaandBreathe · 16/02/2023 17:37

cakewench · 16/02/2023 17:03

I am (probably, idk) never this dramatic on MN but like FUCK would I allow children who had bullied my son to the point where he had to change schools to step foot in my house, much less stay the night.

As others have pointed out, they will also almost certainly get into his room or mess around with his things.

YABVVU if you go along with this.

Your GF is also unreasonable for even entertaining the though. And tbh I am afraid it probably speaks volumes about her son if he's friends with them. "It's not all about your son" well it damn well is if you're talking about bullies who have physically beaten him previously. I bet she wouldn't dare entertain anyone who had bullied her son, if the shoe were on the other foot.

Your poor son, I can't believe his parent is here even considering going along with this. I'd be fucking raging and I am literally someone who almost never even raises my voice.

You've put this better than I tried to. Agree with everything in this post.

Channellingsophistication · 16/02/2023 17:39

In your situation I wouldn’t allow bullies into my home, even if they were friends with my partner son and also

A) Why would he be with friends with bullies anyway and
b) why wouldn’t your girlfriend be more sensitive to this given your son had to move schools because of it? Does she like your son?