No one gets how hard it is for me

[noonegetsit]

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Oh my god- just tell her you are going to take your maternity leave and then just do it !!

a year off while you did all the work - crazy

I'm confused. If you can afford it, why not just take time off now?

In pretty much every family one of the parents has to work and doesn't get to be with the child all day. Sacrificing time with the children is a heavy part of the mental load of the breadwinner. It rarely gets acknowledged because it is usually fathers and men's needs aren't seen as important - they just need to bring in the money and pay for everything.

Talk it out. If you have the funds, make it work. Maybe you take two more half days off a week or find a way to be at home more. You went back to work really early. Find a way to get more balance.

Why not to six months each as compromise. Must have been so hard going back after six weeks as the first few are just a blur ❤️

Massive hug.
You are already regretting going back to work too early, so don't make another mistake, if you feel like you need the maternity leave, you should take it. And your DP is acting selfish btw, what does this mean "she wanted the time with the baby to bond", what about YOU wanting to bond with the baby? DP doesn't care about it at all?

You need bonding time too, also do you think you may have postpartum depression? Going through the gruelling process for so long is huge, your baby arrives in a very traumatic way, that's a lot to process. Have you considered Counselling to recover from your pretty horrific journey?
Good luck OP - you need some support and i think you're just realising it

Take the time off.
This is the only chance you get.
Your DP will have to come round to this.
It is your right as much as it is hers. And you can afford to which is key.

Take your maternity leave, you need time to bond and heal post partum. It’s insane you felt forced to return to work six weeks after a c-section!

I think returning to work after six weeks, especially after a traumatic birth, was madness. You’ve got the funds you say. Take more time off.

I could adapt my working hours to some extent but because of the type of work I do, it would be hard to take a couple of months or more off.

I can look at reducing the time I'm at work.
When she has said about needing the bond with the baby, she said I was able to bond for the 9 months I was pregnant whereas she didn't have that.

I feel like in this process, she hasn't had my well-being in mind, which is difficult for me to say.

@custardbear
I don't know if I could have PND. I do feel really down at times. And for a few weeks after the birth I was crying constantly and I couldn't work out why. I was so anxious about the baby. Watching her all the time. I feel better now than I did. But I just feel really sad and low.
I love my job. I really do love my job. But I just miss being with her. And feel like I'm missing out.

I go to some baby groups when I can, on the days I'm off. But most of them I can't because they're on my working days.
It feels weird that there are groups my baby attends that I have never been to before.

I say I saved the funds to have more time off which I did.
I am currently the sole earner and before having the baby, I contributed more financially due to earning more than DP.

However, with the cost of everything now, I am paying more. DP really wants a new car. She also wants us to have a cleaner because she says this will help her mental health. All of this is costing.

Oh my gosh, that sounds sad.
Express to your partner your need to have more carer time with your child, even though your partner is taking the parental leave right now.
Make a chart for the weekends where you have half a day with her alone.
Plan an hour each day when you are the carer.
Once your partner is back to work you will relish having the freedom to take time off. Make sure you do take timeoff when you can during Nursery holidays etc
Do you feel recovered and refreshed from the birth?
Remember to pamper yourself a little each day in the green outdoors and keep contact with friends and family.

You did the pregnancy and the surgery and got 6 weeks I think your other half is being extremely selfish. You need 12 weeks minimum to recover from pregnancy, surgery and adapt to little one. Why didn't your other half work whilst you were pregnant?

Wow, you poor thing, this is so horrific. You have to take some time off, I also think you need to talk to a therapist about what you've been through.

Probably hard to hear but your partner sounds very selfish. Is she aware of the strength of your feelings?

It sounds like a really sad situation OP, I'm sorry that you're in this position.

I think you need to do something about it now, so that you don't live with regret in the future. Your partner is being insensitive to your needs, and you need to think primarily as a parent now and not so much as a partner. This business of having had nine months to bond is bollocks. Pregnancy can be difficult and isolating even in the best circumstances.

What do you think she'd do if you sat down and told her how miserable you are and that things need to change?

Hugs to you OP.

I don't understand this. There's no one in the world who would be telling me I couldn't take maternity leave if I could afford it. No one is telling me I cannot be with my baby.

You went back to work after 6 weeks because your partner thinks you've had your bonding time from the 9 months you were pregnant? Wtf does this even mean? Why can't you both be off?

If a man did this everyone on the thread would be losing their minds.

Take your maternity leave for fuck sake and hold and feed your baby whenever you damn well please. Bollocks to your partner wanting a new car.

Jesus Christ I couldn't stay with someone like this.

OP, review this situation.

I absolutely hear you. In fact, I kind of physically ache for you. Not many women would feel able to return to work 6 weeks post partum, neither physically, mentally or emotionally, even less so if they have experienced a traumatic birth with birth injuries. That's why maternity leave is a long 9-12 months. It takes time to heal and integrate.

I think you may have an issue with your DP.

You are allowed to take maternity leave to care for the baby you grew and birthed. Irrespective of whatever arrangement you made with your DP at the outset, you are allowed to change your mind.

You have sufficient funds; now is the time to use them. Your DP's anxiety about finances have no place in this decision -you know you have enough saved to tithe you over. She needs to trust you, and either curb her own anxiety, look into a therapeutic intervention to help her manage, or go back to work herself.

I wonder whether you might get push-back from your DP? Her initial response will tell you a lot (hint, it should go something like: "Oh honey, that's such a great idea. I know you've been thinking about it, I'm so pleased you've decided to go for it. I can't wait!") Do you feel able to stand up to her and assert your right to maternity leave? How do you anticipate she might respond? Have you got any support; family or friends who do see what a wrench this has been for you, and how happy it would make you to take maternity leave at this point?

For what it's worth, your baby doesn't have to start nursery at the time you initially agreed if you feel this will curtail your time with her once you decide to go on leave. Renegotiate her start date and give yourself however long you need.

Please, please filter out your DP's concerns and make a decision that you will be able to look back on with relief and joy. I'm rooting for you, OP.

If you have savings op could you not take time off as well

You’ve posted about this before -your relationship sounded really abusive. Take the time off, be with YOUR baby, and take care of yourself!

Oh you poor thing ♥︎
Your DP is totally taking the piss.
So you've endured pregnancy and giving birth, you are providing for the whole household and your DP is enjoying her mommy role while telling you that she needs a new car? What a caring, loving and understanding person, your DP is.
And you're not allowed to take your maternity leave because you've already bonded with the baby when you were pregnant?
There are so many red flags there. Personally, I'd start thinking whether DP was the right person for me (and my baby, because with all these holding the baby in front of your friends things, it does sound like she's maybe trying to put some distance between you and the baby. Might be overthinking, but it does look a bit strange to me personally, who'd happily allow DH to do all the baby stuff when he was eager to).

I want to give you a huge hug.
I think that while there is always one parent who misses out when they return to work, this is a totally different dynamic. You did bond with the baby for 9 months but it's almost like that has been shifted by your return to work. I see her point that she needs to form a bond but it sounds like she expects to recreate the exact same bond, rather than a different type of bond. My DH has a totally different type of bond with our children, he loves them to the ends of the earth and is so close with them, but he doesn't expect the bond to be the exact same as I was the one who carried them.

I think you really need to try and take some time off work, even if it's just a few extra hours each week. I also think you have to keep speaking to her and try her to get her to see that your mental health is being impacted. I don't like that she is protecting her own mental health and dismissing yours. I think you need to tell her you're unhappy and both sit down to come up with a plan as to how to improve everyone's quality of life and mental health. I also think you need to explain that when you're around you would like to be more involved with baby.

You have been through so much to conceive, carry and birth your child and now you seem to be passively standing back, being upset but going along with what your partner wants?

You are being pushed out as the primary carer and it sounds like she is trying to keep you busy financially by buying her a new car and a cleaner. She isn’t recovering from pregnancy and childbirth so surely could do the cleaning whilst you spend time with the baby on your days off.

I would be concerned about her long term intentions setting you up as the bread winner to pay maintenance with her primary carer.

The issue here isn't missing the baby or taking maternity leave: it's your DP. This may sound harsh but she appears to be displaying a level of jealousy over the fact that you carried the child and is now trying to assert control and establish herself as the primary caregiver. Her worries about finances are a distraction (as you say, there's no need) so she must be saying that for another reason. Personally, I'd suggest it's because she just wants you out of the house so that she can have all the alone time with the baby. This may be stemming from her own insecurity or it may just be that she is inherently selfish.

To me, your relationship sounds controlling and potentially contains some of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. I think you need some more support: do you have a counsellor or family that could help you?

Is your partner abusive OP? She sounds it to me suggesting you had 9 months bonding with baby so off you pop back to work 6 weeks post csection.

It's your baby. You need the rest, the recuperation and the bonding time. I don't think my boobs had even calmed down after 6 weeks (I bottle fed).

You need to regain some control back in this relationship and be able to express YOUR needs. You may well have PND too by the sounds of it.

Huge hugs, do what's best for you.

I don't think she sees it from my perspective regardless of what I say. She sees it from her point of view. She will say 'it's not easy being with the baby all day. You get the easy bit going to work'.

When I have told her how much I have struggle, she gets upset. But not upset for me. She will be upset for herself.
When I said that I was so sad to be going back after 6 weeks, she just kept saying 'well think of what it's like for dads just having 2 weeks off'.

She said it to many friends when we would need with them and they all agreed with her. No one could see how hard it was for me.

I wasn't well for the first 12 weeks and had regular trips to hospital due to excessive bleeding and other complications.
But again, when I was in hospital, she would say 'you've got it easy being in hospital when I'm looking after the baby'.
I told her the baby could stay in the hospital with me because that was an option.

So as I say, she doesn't often see things from my perspective.
And friend will agree with how tough it is for her, how she's doing so much. She'll tell friends she does 'everything' for me etc.

This is why I didn't know where to post this as I realise there's a lot here about the relationship as well as parenting.