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Original poster

No one gets how hard it is for me

131 replies

noonegetsit · 31/01/2023 05:49

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

OP posts:
mrstumblet · 31/01/2023 07:38

gogohmm · 31/01/2023 07:37

@mrstumblet

But op was pregnant and gave birth yet is not off with the baby. There's a reason for maternity leave, to recover from giving birth - same sex or opposite, the other partner did not give birth.

Secondly, due to being in a same sex couple getting pregnant isn't as simple (yes I know others can have fertility issues but the majority of us don't).

It is op's baby who she needs to bond with end of.

Huh? That's what I'm saying.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 31/01/2023 07:40

You are the child’s mother, it’s essential that you get the lionesses’ share of leave. It’s great that your dp wants that binding time, but she should be aware of the physical bond between mother and baby, how it affects your hormones etc. Take the leave.

PinkPlantCase · 31/01/2023 07:41

OP this sounds so hard for you.

You grew the baby, especially in the first few months you have a very strong biological need to be close to the baby. It’s animalistic, not something we can switch off or really have a a choice over.

Frankly it’s unfair for your partner not to see this as it would have been in both yours and the baby’s best interest to have lots and lots of time with you at the start. Me and DH parent 50:50 but in the first few months that looked like me breastfeeding and spending a lot of time letting the baby contact nap whilst DH did nappy changes and took care of everything else like the cooking etc. that’s because it was what me and the baby were biologically designed to do because the baby was literally part of me for 9 months. Now our DS is older we parent very much 50:50.

Do you know any other same sex couples you can talk to who have been through this?

Otherwise maybe some couples counselling would be helpful. It sounds like your partner has some difficulty with not being the one who carried the baby.

I really can see though how this must have been incredibly hard on you 💕

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Springpetal · 31/01/2023 07:42

What the f am I reading you needed to bond with the baby
why didn’t she give birth ,if she was staying home with baby
that maternity leave is yours
she wants a cleaner and a car ..oh my god ..she’s got your baby and enjoying every second of you financially supporting her..
in what world is it normal to be back at work so soon after a c section
you should be resting and having your baby
you’d be better as a single mum

FfeminyddCymraeg · 31/01/2023 07:43

It’s early and so am feeling less eloquent but your DP is a selfish bitch.

It’s patently not the same as paternity leave - dad’s don’t carry the baby or have major surgery and complications.

You need to take time off with the baby and seriously consider whether your DP is who you should be with long term. She sounds extremely selfish and manipulative.

ILoveYouMore2022 · 31/01/2023 07:44

I really think that your dp is keeping you away from the day to day care of your baby in a deliberate way.

My first thoughts are that she’s behaving this way to justify her withdrawal from working.

Shes effectively using your baby to justify her life choices.

You can stop this by deciding to parent your baby, make a new schedule, and give your baby what they need (you).

Springpetal · 31/01/2023 07:44

I hope she’s not on the birth certificate

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 07:46

You've posted about this before and got great advice. Are you wishing to hear something different this time? You won't. Your wife is still a selfish abusive cow. You need to separate. There is no other way.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/01/2023 07:47

I think people who haven't been pregnant and carried their baby for 9 months don't understand that maternity leave is to give the mother a chance to recover and spend time with their baby.
Your partner is wrong to view your pregnancy as some kind of sport from which she is being excluded, and neither is motherhood some kind of performance.
Whatever she or anyone else says, you are the baby's mother and you get to to decide whether you take the leave. Don't let her impose her choices on you.

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 07:48

Springpetal · 31/01/2023 07:44

I hope she’s not on the birth certificate

They're married :(

LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/01/2023 07:48

You know, the thing is called SHARED parental leave, the idea is that you share it between each parent. Not that one person takes it all, to the detriment of the other.

You posted about this before I think, and my immediate thought was you were being controlled.

But you can take control back.

If you've got the money, tell your DP that you're taking three months off. Don't ask, tell. Tell her you're missing the baby too much. And that she can either go back to her work (I'm presuming she's employed?) to adjust her leave (which may have a notice period) or you'll just go off from next week.

Cars and cleaners are off the table until you're both back at work. That would be a logical enough move to make in any relationship.

Her reaction to this will speak volumes, but you need to be strong and just do it anyway. It's your child too.

Springpetal · 31/01/2023 07:48

How can you not see she is abusive,keeping you away from your baby
you need to make steps to leave her
she’s not got a biological link to baby .
find the strength to leave

LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/01/2023 07:49

noonegetsit · 31/01/2023 06:41

I don't think she sees it from my perspective regardless of what I say. She sees it from her point of view. She will say 'it's not easy being with the baby all day. You get the easy bit going to work'.

When I have told her how much I have struggle, she gets upset. But not upset for me. She will be upset for herself.
When I said that I was so sad to be going back after 6 weeks, she just kept saying 'well think of what it's like for dads just having 2 weeks off'.

She said it to many friends when we would need with them and they all agreed with her. No one could see how hard it was for me.

I wasn't well for the first 12 weeks and had regular trips to hospital due to excessive bleeding and other complications.
But again, when I was in hospital, she would say 'you've got it easy being in hospital when I'm looking after the baby'.
I told her the baby could stay in the hospital with me because that was an option.

So as I say, she doesn't often see things from my perspective.
And friend will agree with how tough it is for her, how she's doing so much. She'll tell friends she does 'everything' for me etc.

This is why I didn't know where to post this as I realise there's a lot here about the relationship as well as parenting.

And that's gaslighting my love, pure and simple. Google it and see if it raises a few red flags.

Faradalla · 31/01/2023 07:51

Your partner is jealous that you carried the baby and is trying to make you feel like you've got the better deal so she can swoop in. I feel like you're being edged out and being used as a cash cow too.

You are very vulnerable at the minute. I lived ina country with very little maternity leave and I cannot tell you how much I regret going back to work before I was ready. My c section had just about closed over when I went back. My breasts would be leaking milk through my clothes. I ended up with a lot of insecurities and so much unnecessary sadness over it for years. Your partner is not interested in your well being at all, from the sound out it. You will never get this time back. I'm so angry for you! Hugs.

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/01/2023 07:51

ILoveYouMore2022 · 31/01/2023 07:44

I really think that your dp is keeping you away from the day to day care of your baby in a deliberate way.

My first thoughts are that she’s behaving this way to justify her withdrawal from working.

Shes effectively using your baby to justify her life choices.

You can stop this by deciding to parent your baby, make a new schedule, and give your baby what they need (you).

I agree with this and the posters who suggest your partner is abusive.

I am coming to the end of my mat leave and felt unwell reading your updates. I had a straightforward c section and was a wreck 6 weeks postpartum.

You really should take time off and your DP can amend her mat leave and return to work earlier than planned. Make sure she goes back to work and tell her no new car.

Make good and smart choices now as you'll be living with the outcome for a long time.

MaverickSnoopy · 31/01/2023 07:55

OP after your update i feel quite distressed for you. It seems likely to me that she is keeping you at bay as she wants to be seen as the primary parent, perhaps she feels threatened as you are birth mum as she feels this is the way to be "equal".

Just a thought but if you seperated then would courts award her custody on the basis that she is the one who does most of the caring. I would be really careful in your decision making and would seriously plan to take some time off or reduce your hours. I wouldn't be surprised if come the end of her leave, she announces that she wants to be a sahm.

As for your friend's. Pinch of salt. Friends will often go along with their friends. Chances are they just don't want to say anything- they think you've happily returned to work and don't realise all of this is going on. A friend of mine was once shocked that when her children were weighed at school they were classed as overweight. It was very obvious and she asked me what I thought, to which I replied that they looked fine to me and that children do sometimes weigh a bit more before they shoot up again. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or rock the boat by telling the truth.

Beamur · 31/01/2023 07:55

OP you really do need to assert yourself here. For yourself and the baby.
Your wife is treating you very badly and you know that.
I think she sounds very insecure and actually quite unkind and manipulative. Was it like this before the baby?

OriginalUsername2 · 31/01/2023 07:56

ILoveYouMore2022 · 31/01/2023 07:44

I really think that your dp is keeping you away from the day to day care of your baby in a deliberate way.

My first thoughts are that she’s behaving this way to justify her withdrawal from working.

Shes effectively using your baby to justify her life choices.

You can stop this by deciding to parent your baby, make a new schedule, and give your baby what they need (you).

All of this!

Really feel for you OP. What your DP is doing to you is messed up.

Springpetal · 31/01/2023 07:56

This thread has really upset me .
the thought of a mum and baby being separated from each other ,it’s inhumane
pits like you have just had your baby removed like dogs loose their puppies at 6 weeks when they go to a new home
your dp is abusive
your friends are letting the same sex relationship colour the situation,
I hope you find the strength to leave this controlling abusive relationship

Aria2015 · 31/01/2023 07:57

Her comment that it's like dads having two weeks off, isn't comparable imo. It might not be the ‘popular’ thing to say, but women who have gone through a pregnancy and had a baby are biologically inclined to be with and close to that baby while they are small. This is a primal and natural instinct that I don't think most men can relate to or even feel. It's not to say that they don't feel torn and sad being away from their baby, but their body isn't pumped with postpartum hormones and they don't have the physical ability to produce breastmilk (which was the only option for a baby’s survival many moons ago). You feel so sad because you’re going against, what I think most new mums feel naturally after having a baby, which is to be close to and with their child.

I think you need to have a frank conversation about potentially sharing leave or making some changing that mean you can spend more time with your baby. My dh took a few month leave after my dc and we were altogether, if you have the means, why not do that?

SnoozyLucy7 · 31/01/2023 07:57

noonegetsit · 31/01/2023 06:41

I don't think she sees it from my perspective regardless of what I say. She sees it from her point of view. She will say 'it's not easy being with the baby all day. You get the easy bit going to work'.

When I have told her how much I have struggle, she gets upset. But not upset for me. She will be upset for herself.
When I said that I was so sad to be going back after 6 weeks, she just kept saying 'well think of what it's like for dads just having 2 weeks off'.

She said it to many friends when we would need with them and they all agreed with her. No one could see how hard it was for me.

I wasn't well for the first 12 weeks and had regular trips to hospital due to excessive bleeding and other complications.
But again, when I was in hospital, she would say 'you've got it easy being in hospital when I'm looking after the baby'.
I told her the baby could stay in the hospital with me because that was an option.

So as I say, she doesn't often see things from my perspective.
And friend will agree with how tough it is for her, how she's doing so much. She'll tell friends she does 'everything' for me etc.

This is why I didn't know where to post this as I realise there's a lot here about the relationship as well as parenting.

OP if my partner spoke to me like that, basically telling you how it’s going to be re the baby, after everything that you had gone through, leading up to the pregnancy, the birth and subsequent complications, and now your clearly expressed angst at being away from your baby, I would be sitting down for a very serious conversation! Your partner is taking over and dictating the terms and conditions, in this situation, and it’s not on! You still need to recover and bind with the baby.

You need to have a serious conversation otherwise there will be a lot of bitterness, resentment and regret, further down the line

SnoozyLucy7 · 31/01/2023 07:58

Bond not bind!

Twizbe · 31/01/2023 07:58

Have you posted before? Is this the same partner that wouldn't let you breastfeed because she wanted to do all the feeds?

inappropriateraspberry · 31/01/2023 08:00

Your partner is selfish and it almost sounds like she's using you for money and a baby. What do you get from this relationship?

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/01/2023 08:05

I agree with what others have said. Depending on been self employed job can make taking time off tricky.

What about splutting it. You work 2 days a week and she returns 3 days a week to pay for her car.

But frankly anyone who thinks it is easy been in hospital rather than with my newborn baby wouldn't be my partner.

I also agree be very careful about her been seen as primary carer.