No one gets how hard it is for me

[noonegetsit]

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

You've posted before I think. She is a taker, she has no problem expressing her needs, you don't have to go along with all of them, you need to drastically change approach and focus on what you want and need.
She needs help in feeling an equal parent without having carried the child, but her overcompensating cannot be at your expense.

The more I read the more upset I get at your situation.
If your DP were a man hell would be raining down on them for this attitude.
She would be the one going out and working.
She gets to be a mother and stay at home because you enable it.
The fact that she isn't even listening to your sadness and empathising or even caring speaks volumes.
You've got a DP problem.
I do Hope you sort this out because there is so much wrong here.

I agree she's a taker. I think the issue with some takers is they take and take because they don't realise that a giver will give beyond their means.

You need to put your foot down. Money is one thing, but you can't buy time with your baby.

Well of course it's easier for a Dad to go back to work after 2 weeks as Dad hasn't spent the last 9 months pregnant and all that it entails physically, mentally and hormonally, let alone breastfeeding and recovery post surgery.

I'm feeling angry for you, that doesn't happen often. Tell your 'D'P to go back to work if they find it so difficult being with baby all day. Better still, leave and take baby with you. You are being abused.

I still don't understand OP. At 6 weeks post partum no one would be prising my baby out of my arms and sending me back to work. I cannot get my head around this.

Your partner sounds abusive. I'm gobsmacked. You are missing crucial time with the child you've literally just given birth to. Stop working for god sake and stay at home with your baby until you are ready to go back to work.

Your partner's response when you tell them you're taking your maternity leave will tell you everything you need to know. I don't think it's going to go well.

You have the funds to take maternity leave. Take it. Fuck her selfish desire for a new car.

Good luck OP.

Did you post about this recently? Regarding your partner being controlling etc?

She is gaslighting you to ignore your own feelings. Don't let her. And if your friends agree with her, find new friends. I would have loved to have gone back to work earlier than I did, and it was shit BECAUSE IT WASN'T MY CHOICE--it was dictated by the financial rules of our situation and childcare availability at the time. This isn't your choice either, and I have huge empathy for you; the first year is so hard without being stuck with things you don't want.

Sorry OP but your partner sounds unhinged. She's sound jealous of the fact you had the baby and determined to push you out of the 'mother' role. You don't however have to accept it. Work out the minimum you can work and tell your OP how you want things to operate. If your partner wants a cleaner tell her to go back to work and pay for it - better still kick her out and go it alone. Her lack of compassion for you after you had given birth is staggering.

Your update has made it even clearer that your partner is gaslighting you and is emotionally abusive towards you. I strongly suggest that you seek out support and reflect on whether this relationship is one that can continue, especially now that you have the needs of the child to consider. As a previous poster said, I'd genuinely be concerned as to whether or not she manipulating things now in preparation for a future separation.

Btw your friends are probably just saying what's expected of them when someone talks about being at home with the baby. Maybe start challenging the narrative.

Stop worrying what anyone thinks and do what you want to do for you and your baby. You gave birth to her she's yours. If you want to give up work then do it. You will never get this time back. Before you know it she will be a toddler

I totally understand. Even after a year I struggled with the idea of going back to work. Also isn't part of the point of maternity leave for your body to recover post birth? I don't know if I was unusual but both times it took me a year to feel fit and well again. I would discuss how you're feeling with your partner - maybe you can arrange something which suits you both better?

She needs to pay for it herself then. It sounds like she hasn't got her priorities right to me. You want to give up working but she wants a new car She needs to realise that you want time off so you may have to tighten your belts for a while and cut down on luxuries if she won't she is being selfish

Your the one with the abusive DP
Please listen you need to take your tiny baby and leave as quickly as you can .

it looks likes she setting you up so that she can be the main parent and may even try to say your unstable mentally
That you went back to work at six weeks because you couldn’t handle the baby

She’s emotionally abusive and a cunt to you

in her case she is like a bloke
shes not given birth
she’s not had trauma to her body

if she was a bloke I don’t think people would be as “polite “

OP it might be worth bearing in mind that in the event of a separation she's setting herself up now as primary caregiver. Just something to think about, becuase this relationship sounds toxic. It really does sound like she's manipulative enough that she knows that because you birthed the child she's on the back foot. Her control of the baby and treatment of you don't make for a healthy relationship and you should be wary going forwards of her intentions and how this could turn in a custody case.

Didn’t want to read and run. This just all sounds so wrong. Your partner sounds manipulative and I’m sorry to say it’s almost like she is not caring about you that much. Demanding a maternity leave! Maternity leave is not just a time to bond with a baby. It’s to recover from the incredible thing your body just did. Sounds like you’ve been shoved into the stereotype of a ‘dad’ role despite not actually fitting that role in any way. You carried your baby! The first few months are known as the fourth trimester for a reason. Your baby doesn’t even know their separateness from the person that carried them. You are important: you matter in your baby’s life at that time in a different (not more important) but different way than others. Sounds like your wife wanted the ‘mother’ role but if you’re going to do this long journey together, you’re both going to have to find a way to be mothers, and she will have to deal with her jealousy.

Get legal advice without telling her or your friends

As a same sex (non birth) mum I find this and your post over the weekend really sad actually.

To me it's clear that she's being hugely manipulative and not actually putting your needs as a priority at all.

I have never pretending to be able to fully understand how it felt for my wife to carry and give birth to our child, I simply can't. It's easy as non birth parent to feel threatened almost by the closeness a baby can instinctively have to the birth parent, BUT personally I did everything I could to bond with our child whilst being acutely aware my wife and sons needs 100% came first.

Did I wish she didn't breastfeed so I could have that bonding time? At times of course but did I voice this or try to influence her? Absolutely not.

After years of going through IVF your emotional day will still be all over the place yet she's telling you she has concerns about her mental health and that YOU have to pay for a cleaner and get her a new car. I'm sorry but to me this screams of a controlling relationship.

Why did she think you were saving money when you were pregnant? I think it's clear you have to put yourself first, how would she react if you said you were doing 2 days a week working and 5 at home? This time goes so fast and if you can afford to both be home with your child then please do it.

As much as she wants to have that bond with the baby under no circumstances should it come at the detriment of your relationship with her. Or at the extent of your mental health.

This isn't about people not getting how hard it is for you being the one working it's about a situation we're you're effectively being forced to be away from your child by the one person whose meant to have your back in life, your wife.

Where abouts in the country are you (roughly)?

"No dp we can't afford a new car, I'm taking time off work to be with the baby if you want a new car you can go back to work."

You did all the work - and then she sends you packing while she stays home with the baby? I would NOT be happy and would be putting my foot down. Really she's your daughter - not hers. Go and enjoy your baby and stop letting dp take all the credit!

great advice from @LifesNotEnidBlyton

Start your maternity leave next Monday, you can afford it - take the rest of this week to put a plan in place for your customers to keep the business ticking over or inform the important ones you will be out on mat leave for the foreseeable.

Do not buy your abusive partner a new car!

You do not need her permission to take your mat leave. This relationship is not supportive or loving.

Tell her to get a job

As a fellow same sex parent your comment about the child really being her daughter not the non birth parents is hugely ignorant. Yes the non birth partner is in this instance acting appallingly but same sex parents dread their children encountering this dismissive attitude when they step out into the wider world.

She is BOTH of theirs daughter.

I also feel she's trying to set herself up as portraying the role of primary carer in case of separation. Sadly this is something you need to consider.

You’ve been stitched up OP. Being pregnant, giving birth then sent back out to work. Of course staying at home with a baby is hard, but it’s necessary for you to rest after a massive physical change. I can’t believe what I’m reading here.

@mrstumblet

But op was pregnant and gave birth yet is not off with the baby. There's a reason for maternity leave, to recover from giving birth - same sex or opposite, the other partner did not give birth.

Secondly, due to being in a same sex couple getting pregnant isn't as simple (yes I know others can have fertility issues but the majority of us don't).

It is op's baby who she needs to bond with end of.