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Original poster

No one gets how hard it is for me

131 replies

noonegetsit · 31/01/2023 05:49

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Lotsofthings · 31/01/2023 09:43

I think we all get how hard it is for you, all the responses support you, with our outside perspective. I think aside from all the other issues, it’s very normal to think you would go back to work but then feel very different after having the baby.
Plus you are the one dealing with the rollercoaster of hormones.

Sid077 · 31/01/2023 09:52

Op you are minimising what’s happening to you. Imagine if a friend told you this was what was happening to her what would you say? Be your own best friend and take your biological baby and go & stay with your mother / family for 2 weeks to give you some time to reflect and bond with baby.

Let your partner know what’s happening after you have left and tell her you will not be treated in this abusive way any longer. You need to reset boundaries and ensure that your 100% reasonable feelings are respected.

I would also get legal advice - protect yourself and contact women’s aid. breast feed if you want to - imagine a guy telling his partner she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to breastfeed and the reaction any person would have to this! Please stop letting this happen to you, you are capable, strong and deserve to be heard, drive your own life.

charlertin · 31/01/2023 10:02

I'm sorry Op but your partner don't sound very nice. It's borderline controlling if not already.
She seems to think because you carried the baby that you've done enough bonding and that it's her time now.

You need to pout your foot down now or it's gonna get worse. I'm actually fuming for you!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Thepossibility · 31/01/2023 10:04

I really feel for you OP you are being treated terribly. It's not right! You should've had that time to recover.
Why shouldn't you get bonding time with your own baby that you brought into the world?! Awful.

EveSix · 31/01/2023 10:04

"...Or best decision to avoid conflict maybe."

Yes, this is probably true.

OP, you need to entertain the idea that your partner is indeed in a position to claim to be primary carer in the event of a divorce.

This happened to a close friend of mine, who with hindsight wishes she'd slammed the breaks on the minute her DP began to dominate parenting to the exclusion of her involvement, and reduced working in order to 'focus' on being a parent, leaving her the main bread winner. He is now, as a PP described, living with her children in the house she paid for with an inheritance from her mum, paying him spousal and child maintenance, and she 'gets to' see the boys 50:50.

Create a record of incidents of coercion and gas-lighting. Contact an organisation like WA, speak to your GP and register your concern in order to create a time-stamped record and a paper trail.

Consider seriously reducing your hours / earnings to match your partner's once she returns to work. You're allowed. She's your daughter. You're her mum.

A big financial risk, but please think about this very seriously.

Big hug to you.

Pearlygates · 31/01/2023 10:04

BreviloquentBastard · 31/01/2023 09:43

You've posted about this before and consistently ignored all the people telling you that your partner is abusive and treating you like a brood mare. No one can help you if you won't actually listen to the advice given OP.

Yeah, I remember this. I don't know how much more advice you want OP. But we will all keep telling you the same thing!

Sotiredmjmmy · 31/01/2023 10:29

You need to nip this in the bud now and quickly if you want a mother role, otherwise whizz forwards 5 years and she will be “mummy” and you with be the +1, including not being included in school life much etc. It happens a lot with same sex relationships and the longer it goes on it gets much more difficult to get a balance of two mothers with equal roles.

You need equal time now, so if DP has had her 6 weeks then back to your turn and she goes to work. Or agree she has x months now, then goes back to work and you get x months at that point and stick to it.

Going forwards you need equal time - so if you work 3 days she also works 3 days and overlap then so you both get non-working days with dc without each other.

You need to make this as close to 50/50 as you can, can be far more important in same sez relationships as effectively you want the same mother role so to have that you need to do the same as each other far more equally matched than other couples, otherwise there will always be one main “mummy”

LunaMay · 31/01/2023 10:31

I would take the baby and walk away tbh. - Not helpful.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/01/2023 11:05

OP you don't seem to be taking this seriously in terms of your Ps behaviour. You've posted before and been told she's abusive and controlling. But you've still posted today making it seem like you main concern is that "people don't understand how hard it is for you". The main concern really needs to be the way you P has manipulated this whole scenario in such a way that she has all her ducks in a row and she can take everything any time.

In a custody case it won't be about how you "felt" and your POV. It will be facts. Amd she can present those facts in such a way that you seem like the bad guy. She can say and use

  1. She is primary caregiver
  2. She does all/majority of feeds
  3. You went back to work after 6 weeks even though you've enough savings you didn't have to
  4. She's got all your friends on side, who she's manipulative enough to turn against you, and no doubt use their seeing her doing "everything" to her advantage
  5. She has lost out financially. Her career and pension will have taken a hit.

You need to realise what a fix you're in OP. This isn't intended to scare you. It's to get you to see what you have to lose here. She could get primary custody. Access to maintenence, spousal support, savings, the house, your pensions.

With the way she is treating you uoud normally be advised to LTB. But the problem is that of you were to fo that right now she already had the upper hand. You need to make things 50/50 if you don't want to run the danger of losing your daughter and your financial security.

Take maternity. Stop letting her take control of the parenting. Make sure you are seen to be doing your share by friends and family. Take your daughter out for days out alone. Insist on your P contributing financially. Set this up so that you are at least am equal parent to your daughter becuase if she is this controlling and emotionally manipulative now she will be so in a custody case and divorce.... and if that were to happen any time soon she's set her herself up to win.

toucaninjapan · 31/01/2023 11:07

@LifesNotEnidBlyton 100% this.

greyfox82 · 31/01/2023 11:10

Your partner sounds really controlling! It's as if she doesn't want you to spend time with the baby.

greyfox82 · 31/01/2023 11:18

Also, reading through your replies you are in a coercive relationship. Why can't she go out and earn money? Why does it fall to you? Please stop being passive about this your OH is a bully and things will only get worse! Her opinion is not more important that yours'. Stand your ground.

charlertin · 31/01/2023 11:19

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/01/2023 11:05

OP you don't seem to be taking this seriously in terms of your Ps behaviour. You've posted before and been told she's abusive and controlling. But you've still posted today making it seem like you main concern is that "people don't understand how hard it is for you". The main concern really needs to be the way you P has manipulated this whole scenario in such a way that she has all her ducks in a row and she can take everything any time.

In a custody case it won't be about how you "felt" and your POV. It will be facts. Amd she can present those facts in such a way that you seem like the bad guy. She can say and use

  1. She is primary caregiver
  2. She does all/majority of feeds
  3. You went back to work after 6 weeks even though you've enough savings you didn't have to
  4. She's got all your friends on side, who she's manipulative enough to turn against you, and no doubt use their seeing her doing "everything" to her advantage
  5. She has lost out financially. Her career and pension will have taken a hit.

You need to realise what a fix you're in OP. This isn't intended to scare you. It's to get you to see what you have to lose here. She could get primary custody. Access to maintenence, spousal support, savings, the house, your pensions.

With the way she is treating you uoud normally be advised to LTB. But the problem is that of you were to fo that right now she already had the upper hand. You need to make things 50/50 if you don't want to run the danger of losing your daughter and your financial security.

Take maternity. Stop letting her take control of the parenting. Make sure you are seen to be doing your share by friends and family. Take your daughter out for days out alone. Insist on your P contributing financially. Set this up so that you are at least am equal parent to your daughter becuase if she is this controlling and emotionally manipulative now she will be so in a custody case and divorce.... and if that were to happen any time soon she's set her herself up to win.

OP read this and read this again.

greyfox82 · 31/01/2023 11:19

Oh and make sure the child benefit is in your name and not your parents

greyfox82 · 31/01/2023 11:19

Sorry partners

mrstumblet · 31/01/2023 11:31

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/01/2023 11:05

OP you don't seem to be taking this seriously in terms of your Ps behaviour. You've posted before and been told she's abusive and controlling. But you've still posted today making it seem like you main concern is that "people don't understand how hard it is for you". The main concern really needs to be the way you P has manipulated this whole scenario in such a way that she has all her ducks in a row and she can take everything any time.

In a custody case it won't be about how you "felt" and your POV. It will be facts. Amd she can present those facts in such a way that you seem like the bad guy. She can say and use

  1. She is primary caregiver
  2. She does all/majority of feeds
  3. You went back to work after 6 weeks even though you've enough savings you didn't have to
  4. She's got all your friends on side, who she's manipulative enough to turn against you, and no doubt use their seeing her doing "everything" to her advantage
  5. She has lost out financially. Her career and pension will have taken a hit.

You need to realise what a fix you're in OP. This isn't intended to scare you. It's to get you to see what you have to lose here. She could get primary custody. Access to maintenence, spousal support, savings, the house, your pensions.

With the way she is treating you uoud normally be advised to LTB. But the problem is that of you were to fo that right now she already had the upper hand. You need to make things 50/50 if you don't want to run the danger of losing your daughter and your financial security.

Take maternity. Stop letting her take control of the parenting. Make sure you are seen to be doing your share by friends and family. Take your daughter out for days out alone. Insist on your P contributing financially. Set this up so that you are at least am equal parent to your daughter becuase if she is this controlling and emotionally manipulative now she will be so in a custody case and divorce.... and if that were to happen any time soon she's set her herself up to win.

100% this, and I'm saying this as the non birth mother of a young child in a same sex marriage so feel I can relate.

Yes it's tough to feel a bond when you didn't carry the baby BUT that's something for the non birth parent to figure out and NOT to the detriment of the birth mother and baby.

Whose she (your partner) putting first in all of this? It's not you or indeed your daughter.

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 11:38

I'm sorry to say OP but it sounds like your partner is incredibly selfish.

You deserve some support.

It seems like she's leaving all the hardest parts to you and not caring how that leaves you.

I really recommend couples counseling so you can be heard.

Flowers
Soapnotshowergel · 31/01/2023 11:44

I read this earlier and I've not been able to stop thinking about it all morning.

I cannot imagine what sort of partner would expect a person to go back to work after major surgery while continuing to be unwell with complications and then ask for a new car. Obviously a same sex relationship has its differences in this area but I'd have chucked my husband in the sea if he suggested it to me after either of my babies were born. I needed that time - being away from my kids when they were very little actually pained me. Bonding in pregnancy is completely different to bonding when the baby is here and as the birth mum you should have had priority on time to recover and to bond.

I agree with PP about she's positioning herself as the primary care giver - it's within your power to change this and you absolutely should do so and as soon as possible.

sjxoxo · 31/01/2023 11:50

Take the time off. Your partner is being v selfish… your baby too. I wonder if your partner has some anxiety about her bond with the baby if it was you that gave birth etc… sounds like she does to me. You having some time off will not mean she has a lesser bond and it’s unkind and uncaring of her to try and manipulate you back to work! Take the time off and don’t let anyone tell you what to do. You do what you think is best for you, and your baby and what your instinct is telling you. I found that I was surprised after having my baby how strong the mum/baby bond is and actually my DH took a bit of a back seat / helping role, especially for those first few months- mum and baby was priority. Which I think is right, whilst you heal and adapt and learn to manage your new ball & chain! Without sounding insensitive here in this case it seems to me like you have two mums but realistically you need that time to heal and recover.. it doesn’t sound like your dp has any awareness of that. You + baby are number 1. Xxxx

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 11:55

BertaHoon · 31/01/2023 06:53

Well of course it's easier for a Dad to go back to work after 2 weeks as Dad hasn't spent the last 9 months pregnant and all that it entails physically, mentally and hormonally, let alone breastfeeding and recovery post surgery.

I'm feeling angry for you, that doesn't happen often. Tell your 'D'P to go back to work if they find it so difficult being with baby all day. Better still, leave and take baby with you. You are being abused.

Yeah this.

She has no respect or compassion for what you physically and emotionally went through. You're not a baby vending machine.

Why do you get the parts that involve bleeding and surgery and hospitalisation and pain, and she gets the baby groups?

Oh and she's also like a new car while you're at it.

Absolutely tell her the agreement is not working for you and it's going to be made anew with both your needs and feelings in mind.

DP can get a job if she's worried about money.

Making 'little jokes' to friends in front of you about how incompetent you would be as a SAHP is emotional abuse BTW. It's like she's trying to wear down your self worth.

I'm so angry for you OP.

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 12:15

Also how bloody hypocritical comparing you being sad about returning to work at six weeks to fathers who go back after two weeks.

She does realise that fathers manage to bond with their babies despite not having 'nine months of bonding time' during pregnancy?

Why is what's fine for fathers ok for you, but not good enough for her?

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 12:18

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/01/2023 11:05

OP you don't seem to be taking this seriously in terms of your Ps behaviour. You've posted before and been told she's abusive and controlling. But you've still posted today making it seem like you main concern is that "people don't understand how hard it is for you". The main concern really needs to be the way you P has manipulated this whole scenario in such a way that she has all her ducks in a row and she can take everything any time.

In a custody case it won't be about how you "felt" and your POV. It will be facts. Amd she can present those facts in such a way that you seem like the bad guy. She can say and use

  1. She is primary caregiver
  2. She does all/majority of feeds
  3. You went back to work after 6 weeks even though you've enough savings you didn't have to
  4. She's got all your friends on side, who she's manipulative enough to turn against you, and no doubt use their seeing her doing "everything" to her advantage
  5. She has lost out financially. Her career and pension will have taken a hit.

You need to realise what a fix you're in OP. This isn't intended to scare you. It's to get you to see what you have to lose here. She could get primary custody. Access to maintenence, spousal support, savings, the house, your pensions.

With the way she is treating you uoud normally be advised to LTB. But the problem is that of you were to fo that right now she already had the upper hand. You need to make things 50/50 if you don't want to run the danger of losing your daughter and your financial security.

Take maternity. Stop letting her take control of the parenting. Make sure you are seen to be doing your share by friends and family. Take your daughter out for days out alone. Insist on your P contributing financially. Set this up so that you are at least am equal parent to your daughter becuase if she is this controlling and emotionally manipulative now she will be so in a custody case and divorce.... and if that were to happen any time soon she's set her herself up to win.

Please read this OP.

Is there anyone in real life who would support you? I feel like you lack confidence and need someone to build you up a little.

Footle · 31/01/2023 12:37

This thread is unbearable to read. Ffs do something before you lose this baby. Your relationship is beyond salvaging.

Aphrathestorm · 31/01/2023 13:36

It sounds to me like your DP is insanely jealous of you being the birth mother and is punishing you.

This is so toxic.

To compare you giving birth to a father getting two weeks leave is absurd. She's a sexist .

theactivesloth · 31/01/2023 13:53

@noonegetsit you are burying your head in the sand. It sounds like you’re perfectly happy to be used by your partner. She wants a car, she wants a cleaner, she wants to take a year off.

You have a baby now, it’s this the kind of environment you want them being brought up into? Imagine your partner saying to the child ‘I’m your best mummy, I sacrificed everything to look after you’. Why aren’t you Looking after yourself and your child, you are refusing to listen to everyone on here. You’re not taking the situation seriously, you keep saying you could do this or could do that.