No one gets how hard it is for me

[noonegetsit]

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

I am so angry for you. Your partner is abusive OP. Call women's aid. Can I ask if you're in the UK. If you are then you are legally in a good position if you decide to leave her & I think that you should be considering this option.
I remember your previous posts & I thought her abusive then also.

If she is seen as primary carer
she’s could divorce you and get custody of your baby ,in the house u paid for with u supporting her financially.
and you get weekends only with your own child
she sounds calculating enough to do this

have u any family op ,who could help you

agree with others - she's establishing herself as primary caregiver. Get help & get it now.
Stop working. Take over. Speak to
Womens aid.

Op forgive me if I'm working, did you post about similar the other day? If not there is a very similar thread worth looking for. I'll see if I can find it...

Terrifying. She has got you to birth her a baby which she’s now pushing you away from and sending you off to earn the money so she can play dollies with YOUR daughter.

Please take on board what people are telling you stop work NOW to take mat leave. If she chooses not to work then let her but she’s unemployed not on parental leave and she can find her own money to pay bills and buy her new car.

Don’t risk her successfully taking custody of your baby by painting herself as the primary carer.

This has the makings of a horror film, honestly. I’m so sorry and sad for you.

Sounds like you were a surrogate for your partner! Sounds harsh but that’s what I’m getting from this. You can’t have been recovered after 6 weeks. Take the time off, you can afford it!

This. Its so sad.

That no-one gets how hard it is for you must hurt terribly. Worse that the one person who should 'get it' is wilfully ignoring your needs and is out and out selfish. She is using the fact you carried your child for 9 months against you and disregarding the physical and emotional affects of a difficult birth.

Be brave OP and be strong. As a PP has suggested get legal advice on the quiet. Like another PP, I too thought it sounds like she is aiming to establish herself as the primary carer.

And don't go for couples counselling. Your partner will skew the narrative to your detriment. Yes to you taking time off and no to a car and cleaner.

Both theirs yes, but biologically the baby is OPs (not the partners) who isn't being allowed to spend any time with her daughter and being told she can't breast feed because her partner is an abusive little toad who wants op to basically be a surrogate.

Take time off work op, and I would seriously consider a divorce and logging all her abusive behaviour down for court.

Would have said the same. It's within your power to change the scenario. I'd have a good talk with DP about how you feel and that you want to see and hold the baby more etc.
Good luck and enjoy your baby!

There seems to be an awful lot of 'I want' from your partner. Why is what she wants the only thing that matters?

I appreciate biologically she's not both of theirs, but that wasnt part of what you put in your original post. I've found with children of same sex parents the terminology around who the parents are is really important, eg saying she's not biologically both of theirs rather then she's not 'their' daughter is a much kinder way of putting it.

I appreciate it seems petty but it makes a big difference to the child (and parents)

But yes I agree the biological mothers needs should always be put first.

6 weeks is such a short amount of time. Especially after recovering from a section but even without that it's still so soon. Your partner sounds quite selfish imo. I don't get the whole you bonded while you were pregnant- it's completely different. You need a really honest chat xx

If you love your partner and want to stay with them it sounds like you need help in your relationship, maybe with a professional counsellor as you're both so at odds about this. That might indicate whether or not it's abusive, but also would provide a space for you to articulate your distress about bonding with your baby and having your emotional needs listened to.

Why not go for counselling? We don't know what the arrangement was, maybe both tried IVF and one got pregnant as has happened with many same sex couples I know.

I'm trying to read though as many comments as possible. I can answer some questions here:

Yes I do think being in a same sex couple has skewed the thinking of some friends.
When people have questioned me returning to work, DP has said 'I am the baby's mum too so she will still be with her mum'.

Occasionally people have asked more about it but I have thoroughly defended against this by saying it is best for me to return to work, I can't be away from work for too long and all that.

DP has also said these things and has expressed that she doesn't feel I would cope well being off with the baby. It's been said so many times I feel like I started to believe it myself.

Friends (mainly hers) now have it as a bit of a joke, like I'm so daft I wouldn't manage. That isn't the case. I know being a stay at home mum would be hard. And I would find many things difficult but not impossible.

At the time it felt like the best decision all round. Or best decision to avoid conflict maybe.

I need to do something different. This doesn't mean give up work completely but I could reduce my work.

Bloody hell OP, enough of this now my love, you have to find your backbone.

You're self-employed, right? That means you are capable. You have found work, kept clients, delivered work, billed and collected payment, kept going through the dry spells, juggled in the busy spells? You are a self-reliant, resilient person who earns well.

I know taking care of a newborn isn't a walk in the park for many reasons, but you are capable of taking care of your own child.

This gaslighting has got you doubting your own self and it has to stop. Your partner is cruel and your friends are joining in with her. It's awful. You're not too daft to take care of a child!! I actually am now thinking you need to call women's aid. I believe there are also LBG services you can call if you think women's aid won't understand the nuance.

You are being gaslit and controlled and you need a bit of help to realise that.

Stop going along with the comments about why it's best you go to work and do not for one minute put up with being undermined as a capable parent.
It sounds to me as if your partner is trying to recreate a traditional family set up with one SAHP and one primary earner. With you relegated to earning and being minimised in a caring role. This is not what you want and you really need to address this or else I cannot see your relationship surviving.

Is it ok to ask why you carried instead of her? Had she wanted to but been unable?

Either way, this relationship is unhealthy and she's done a number on you.

You are a good mother, you are capable and you can leave.

Are you married OP ? Is she named on the birth certificate. I fervently hope not 🙏🏻 please please please speak to women's aid. Please.

Well if working is so bloody easy, she can go out and work and let you recover from the physical trauma of pregnancy and childbirth.

Go on maternity leave, don’t pay for a new car for your partner and do not pay for a cleaner for her.

take your baby, bond with her and rest and heal.

friends are agreeing with your partner as you’re defending the position, I’d think you were nuts but I wouldn’t argue it, as I’d presume it’s working for you, even if it would not have worked for me personally.

and start thinking about leaving this toxic relationship. Get your ducks in a row.

Why not reduce work to two days a week? She can work around you and work the other 5 days and that both gives you time alone with DD.

That said you need to nip the "you couldn't cope" comments in the bud, id simply say "I carried DD 9 months and gave birth to her what makes you say that?" Embarrass them and put them in their place.

DP has also said these things and has expressed that she doesn't feel I would cope well being off with the baby. It's been said so many times I feel like I started to believe it myself.

This is a really twisted set up. Your baby should be with the mother who carried her for 9 months. She knows you from the very inside. She knows the sound of your voice and the beat of your heart.

With money to afford it I am so shocked that your partner doesn't jump for joy that you can both be so fortunate as to spend the time off together as a family.

I feel so upset for you OP. Your partner is awful. I'm sure some of your friends are also shocked but don't want to say anything in case they are accused of homophobia.

My god imagine if a man did this to his wife. Just imagine!!

Me too. I feel quite sick reading about this happening.

You've posted about this before and consistently ignored all the people telling you that your partner is abusive and treating you like a brood mare. No one can help you if you won't actually listen to the advice given OP.