No one gets how hard it is for me

[noonegetsit]

I didn't know where to post this, or if I should post this.
I'm struggling and no one gets it.
For 5 years I've had fertility treatment with my partner. IUI and IVF which are all invasive processes.
I finally had a baby 7 months ago. The birth was really traumatic. I was unwell for weeks after wards.

I had a c section where there were complications. A few weeks after giving birth I had to go into hospital for a week so I was apart from my baby.

Week 6 after giving birth - I returned to work. I really regret this. I know I will always regret this decision.

My DP has shared parental leave and is having a year off.

This is what no one seems to get. How hard this is for me.

I don't know if people have seen me as heartless that I've returned to work. Or that I am a crap mum. I don't know.

I am self employed but saved enough money that realistically I could have had a year or 18 months off work if I really wanted to.

When I told DP that I really am dreading going back to work, I'm struggling with the thought of being away from the baby etc, DP would get upset and worried that I would want to take maternity leave because she wanted the time with the baby to bond.
And she said she would be worried about finances (even though there wouldn't be a need to worry as financially we would have been fine).

Friends comment on how great DP is with the baby and how hard it must be for her being with the baby all day. No one acknowledges how hard it is for me NOT to be with the baby during the day.
I miss her so much.

I have 3 days per week off work but she's growing up so quickly and will soon be in nursery. I just feel so sad.

When we are out with friends DP will want to hold the baby most of the time, and feed her so it looks like I do nothing. This isn't the case at home always. But I feel like it's something that happens when we are out so it gives the impression I do very little. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

@noonegetsit

I've read this exact same scenario on other threads. It's unlikely to be a coincidence. I'm sure you've posted about this before.

If I am right, then you are married to her, so most likely her name would be on the birth certificate.

You've received a lot of advice on this thread, not sure what more advice you want OP but to reiterate what others have said - You are actually in an abusive, controlling & gas-lighting relationship and it's gonna get nasty when you eventually break up and the custody battle starts.

I would also stop contributing so heavily financially and suggest she pulls her weight. You'll need your savings when things go pear shaped.

Op it seems whew being very manipulative you need to re do the schedule you need time with your baby roo

This is really upsetting, I couldn't read all the posts. I can't imagine being distanced from my newborn so soon. This is what maternity leave is all about. The baby I grew in my tummy was a completely different baby to the one I brought home from hospital, there was so much to learn and so much bonding to be done. I loved her, but I felt like I didn't know her. You need to bond. The first 9 months inside aren't the same as the first 9 months outside. Do whatever you need to do to reclaim this precious time 🫶

I was thinking this. OP I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack for you. Please get advice and protect yourself.

You need to contact Women’s Aid and get away from this monster OP.

OP, have you thought more about what you want to do?