Partner left feeling resentful left with 2 kids

[timewp]

My partner left me with toddler & newborn. Of course there’s a backstory regarding the breakup but the main reason for my post is that…. I’m starting to feel really resentful being left with the kids. I’m struggling to bond with the 3 month old baby and not enjoying having a toddler in the terrible two stage. Partner is back living with his parents and has his freedom back. He sees the kids once a week. He goes to work without worrying about childcare, goes to the gym, can date if he wants to, doesn’t need to worry about rent etc. They are his kids and kids are hard work, but he only gets to do the fun part then hand them back at the end of the day. I feel so miserable being a single mum of 2. It’s not what I had planned. It makes me feel worse attending baby groups and mums talking about their husbands and partners. I really am starting to resent being a mum and I’m not enjoying motherhood anymore. I’m on anti depressants, the sadness has worn off, just left with a lot of anger and resentment. I look after my kids, I attend to all their physical care needs, I can afford to provide for them financially and I take them out to groups. However I’m doing it because I have to, not because I want to. The joy of parenthood isn’t there since partner has left. I feel like he should take full care and see what it’s like in my shoes because whenever I ask for more help, he just tells me to stop being ungrateful that I have kids, and that he’s too busy. I feel like that strong love mothers talk about for their children, it’s just not there for me. I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty, I know it’s not their fault. But I can’t help but wish he’d have taken the kids with him. Then I can focus on my career, my goals, etc. But nope, he is the one with the freedom and I am the one left with the kids. I am not bonding with them properly. I can’t. I don’t know how to. I feel unhappy being a single mother and the thought of doing school runs, finding childcare, balancing work, raising kids etc all by myself now with no partner. Can anyone please tell me what to do?

Yep I can relate to that only I have 4 children and my ex doesn’t see them at all! Never had a night off in 6 years yet people tell me I’m lucky to have my kids all the time and never get a night off?! I’m exhausted and tired and my ex gets to live as if he never had kids! I’m sorry to say but 6 years on it still hasn’t got better for me and I still feel angry bitter and resentful. Being a single mother is hard work really hard work, I can’t even meet anyone else because I’m with them at all times.

What a TOTAL BASTARD.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Does he refuse to do 50/50 childcare? if he isn't then you should be leaving them with their father half the time and putting them in childcare setting for which he pays half.

get you life back and create some semblence of boundary and routine for yourself so you can enjoy parenting

Oh gosh I really feel for you and I feel terrible that you feel the same so many years later. How old are your children? I have no doubt my ex will be off the scene completely too soon. People keep saying to me I should be strong for my kids, and be grateful that I have kids, but I just don’t feel that way. To be honest I feel like it has become more of a burden to me. I don’t mind the breakup. But it’s the fact I’m the one left with the kids and he has all the freedom. It’s not fair. And I can’t be strong for the kids when I feel this resentment towards the life I have as a single mum now

You can go to court and get an order for 50-50 residence. Is he on the birth cert?

And does he pay child support?

And how soon can you be seen by your GP to be assessed for PND?

He point blank refuses 50/50. He says I may be able to force him to pay for them through CM, but I certainly can’t force him to look after them, which is true. He doesn’t want to do 50/50 because he simply doesn’t want to look after them either! He is enjoying his freedom it seems to me. Completely refusing any overnight stays or anything more than once a week. It makes me so miserable and angry I just hate him so much and I can’t bond with my children anymore

Exactly, why should I be grateful my ex is a shit who doesn’t bother with our kids?! Don’t know why I should feel grateful about that, I didn’t have kids to raise them alone. They are 11 10 8 and 5 so everyone assured me it would get better as they get older but honestly it just hasn’t. No one can force him to be a father so I don’t know how people think you could make him have them 50/50, I gave up trying a long time ago.

Tbh I can’t be bothered to enforce 50/50 through a court order because it seems like a long winded process which he probably will refuse anyway. Yes he’s on the birth certs. I’m gonna have to pursue CM since he doesn’t willingly provide financially. I have been to my gp and they’ve put me on anti depressants. I don’t think it’s PND because I’m not depressed. I just feel anger and resentment towards ex and motherhood

He’s a c*nt OP- you don’t have to be grateful that someone sold you a dream then fucked off leaving you with two kids he’s not even man enough to pay for. I’ll be honest, petty as it is, I wouldn’t have him see them at all. Can you afford to put your eldest in nursery?

Do you currently work op ?

are there any grandparents involved so you can try have a little time to yourself maybe one night a month even ?

Oh no that’s awful. I really thought it would get better as the kids get more independent. I was thinking I’m struggling so much because they’re still so young but maybe these feelings are here to stay then. Do you feel that earth shattering love for your children? Because I honestly don’t think I do and I don’t think I’m cut out for motherhood at all but tbh I did love it when I had my first. It’s when I fell pregnant with my second our relationship deteriorated and it was too late by the time I had my second we’d broken up and I regretted having a second

It’s so difficult because part of me wants him to take them on full time so he sees what it’s like for me and how hard it really is. He thinks it’s easy and I’m just being ungrateful he says. My eldest turns 3 soon so will get the 30 free hours as I’ll be returning to work soon. I don’t know why I feel this way that I just want to palm them off to him to look after and have the free life that he’s living

I’m on mat leave but will be returning soon and childcare isn’t a problem because I’ll get some financial support through benefits. My parents don’t mind baby sitting every now and then. But the feelings I have are more towards getting him to face the reality of single parenthood if you know what I mean I kinda wish he would step up and be a full time dad and see what it’s like for me instead of him getting the easy way out

I have no idea why you are confused OP- you’re raising a toddler and baby alone, it’s fucking exhausting and the drudgery is endless, and that’s with a partner.
You and your children have been treated appallingly. Your feelings are 100% valid and entirely expected.
My advice, cut him off, go through the legal channels for child support, and remember it will get easier once your children are in childcare.
And perhaps call his parents and hurl a load of abuse at them for the spineless dog they raised!

I must be the worlds WORST mum. I feel like I regret having children. I certainly regret having a second. I know after the first i was happy. Our relationship deteriorated during my second pregnancy. Now I wish I hadn’t had kids with him because hes left me as a single mum. I keep thinking to myself “why do I have to look after HIS kids” like I feel like they’re not even mine anymore I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids and I shouldn’t have to that’s how I feel right now

Of course you’re not the worst mum! Your feelings are valid the way you’ve been left.

Yeah you’re right. But why do I feel like I can’t love my kids the way a mother should? Everyone talks about this strong mothers love and I am not feeling that way right now. And you’re right his parents are arseholes. Not once have they reached out to ask me how I’m coping alone with their grandkids. Neither do they encourage him to see his children. I hate his entire family

if its so easy why doesn't he bloody do it then. I get its a long winded process but honestly i'd force the 50/50 issue anyway.

Just so even those around him can see he's such a deadbeat he has to be taken to court to see his kids.

useless wanker

Why? That paper won't be forth sweet FA you can't make a parent parent.

Yeah actually I think you might be onto something there. I may have a look into enforcing a court order

Sorry I should have picked up your on maternity if little one is only 3 months

I totally understand what you are saying he gets to live his life like nothing has happened and you have all the responsibility. I can see why that would make you angry and resentful absolutely

unfortunately though you can’t change him and he sounds like a sad man if he’s happy to barely see his own kids and behave like this, I imagine something he will regret in the long run

i know it will still mean all the organising and running round for childcare etc for you but I do think once you are back at work and have time away from the home and around other adults etc you may feel a bit better .

try take advantage of a bit of childcare from
grandparents etc now and again so you can have some child free evenings to relax / have a night out / do a hobby etc whatever it is you enjoy to do

I tried to be reasonably strict with bedtimes when my dc were young so I had evenings to myself to relax and watch what I wanted on the tv etc ( obviously difficult with a newborn )

So you think it’s possible he won’t go by the court order? Wouldn’t there be consequences?

Honestly yes I regret becoming a mother, if I knew I would be left alone with them I wouldn’t have had children mine have additional needs so don’t get easier, you can’t take him to court to have the children 50/50 it doesn’t work like that you can’t force someone to be a parent so seriously don’t bother with that. You will be wasting your time and money.

Please don't waste your time Op. no court or law can force him to take the kids.

The reality is men walk out every day. You can't make him become a decent human. There's no easy solution to this.