Partner left feeling resentful left with 2 kids

[timewp]

My partner left me with toddler & newborn. Of course there’s a backstory regarding the breakup but the main reason for my post is that…. I’m starting to feel really resentful being left with the kids. I’m struggling to bond with the 3 month old baby and not enjoying having a toddler in the terrible two stage. Partner is back living with his parents and has his freedom back. He sees the kids once a week. He goes to work without worrying about childcare, goes to the gym, can date if he wants to, doesn’t need to worry about rent etc. They are his kids and kids are hard work, but he only gets to do the fun part then hand them back at the end of the day. I feel so miserable being a single mum of 2. It’s not what I had planned. It makes me feel worse attending baby groups and mums talking about their husbands and partners. I really am starting to resent being a mum and I’m not enjoying motherhood anymore. I’m on anti depressants, the sadness has worn off, just left with a lot of anger and resentment. I look after my kids, I attend to all their physical care needs, I can afford to provide for them financially and I take them out to groups. However I’m doing it because I have to, not because I want to. The joy of parenthood isn’t there since partner has left. I feel like he should take full care and see what it’s like in my shoes because whenever I ask for more help, he just tells me to stop being ungrateful that I have kids, and that he’s too busy. I feel like that strong love mothers talk about for their children, it’s just not there for me. I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty, I know it’s not their fault. But I can’t help but wish he’d have taken the kids with him. Then I can focus on my career, my goals, etc. But nope, he is the one with the freedom and I am the one left with the kids. I am not bonding with them properly. I can’t. I don’t know how to. I feel unhappy being a single mother and the thought of doing school runs, finding childcare, balancing work, raising kids etc all by myself now with no partner. Can anyone please tell me what to do?

I'm sorry your going through this OP. Don't let your hatred for your ex ruin your relationship with your children. The best revenge is to live well. He can have his freedom now but will never gain the love of his children if he carries on as he is. Stop wasting your energy on him. Write detailing his contact times - refuse to negotiate or change them after this. He'll have to go to court to get things changed. Apply for CMS.

OP, you seemed to answer an earlier comment to say you have considered adoption or foster care, but don't want to do that due to the burden on your parents who you believe would take them. Is adoption, your parents aside, something you seriously would like to consider?

Yeah you’re right. But why do I feel like I can’t love my kids the way a mother should? Everyone talks about this strong mothers love and I am not feeling that way right now. And you’re right his parents are arseholes. Not once have they reached out to ask me how I’m coping alone with their grandkids. Neither do they encourage him to see his children. I hate his entire family

You do love your kids but right now you're in the thick of newborn and terrible twos which is a lot for anyone to cope with never mind as a single parent with a wanker for an ex.
Unfortunately it looks like he isn't going to step up and do the right thing by your kids so you need to work out how you go forward. Could you arrange some counselling for yourself to help with the feelings of anger and resentment because they will just continue to eat you up. You don't have to forgive him but for your own mental health you need some help to deal with these feelings.
When me and my ex broke up his family cut me off too. I was closer to his parents than he was and was always there to help them in an emergency and they just turned their backs on me. Helped him hide some money too.
I hope things get better for you. You are getting up and getting on everyday so that in itself shows incredible strength.

The thing with love when it comes to small children is it's not so much a warm fluffy feeling it's doing right by them. You can feel really emotionally numb at the time.

I agree with PP, this stage is gruelling enough with two committed parents and I agree with the advice to block your ex on social media and seek support from your own parents. I don't think you can make this situation right or fair but you can do smaller things to make it easier on yourself.

Parenting is tough now imagine the effects of every parent considered putting their children up for adoption every time we thought this. How cruel these children are not wanted by either mum or dad

Could he not drop them at your parents on the Saturday and you pick them up Sunday evening? Give you a weekend free. Please reach out to your parents and let them know how bad you are feeling, I’m sure they will help by what you have wrote of them.
GP for antidepressants and referral to therapy.

Things will get better x

Newborn and toddler is the hardest stage IMO as a joint, it honestly will get easier when they get older. You will get lots of your independence back!

Op. Ignore @Qwertyk3y poster is being horrible on purpose to wind you up.

You are right to not rush to court as they won't and can't make him parent.

Even if he signed up to an order he doesn't have to stick to it but you do, you have to make kids available to him - he doesn't have to take them.

Maybe down the line this will be needed but right now it won't help.

Look at Home-start.org.uk they are charity and can offer help for parents struggling with young kids.

Good luck op you will get there

Approx 8 years ago I could have written your post although exh always supported financially & has visited on every other Saturday since he moved away.
I was so cross that he was living rent free with parents, had endless leisure time to gallivant around with OW while I was barely functioning trying to juggle a baby & a toddler.
You need to try & block it out completely - focus on you and your babies become a little team. It's shit, it's not what you signed upto but use your energy to do the best you can for your little team.
Make things as easy for yourself as possible- I can still picture us in my big bed every night breastfeeding baby while snuggling toddler and reading a story, dd1 using dd2's playmat as a hurdle while I was in the kitchen making food, dd1 sitting in bath playing with dd2 in bouncer while I had a shower & 8 years later my house is still a mess coz we'd just moved and never really got it sorted.
If someone offers help take it ( I was obsessed with FU I can do it alone and made things harder for myself)
Be kind to yourself - it's a huge change, grieve for the life you were expecting which is now all upside down.
Hour at a time, day at a time, try & get out for a walk with pram. Baby sleeps, toddler gets exercised & you get fresh air. Cherish the good parts - might not seem to be many now but there are. Take photos - I'm always shocked at how happy kids are in photos - you think it's been a horrible day but you've done amazing things.
Good luck OP - it's not easy but I disagree with a pp it has ups and downs but it's definitely easier now!

Has it reached a point where you’re enjoying life? Do you work? I’m so miserable at the moment

Please get some help. You are struggling, and that's ok, anyone could understand the resentment. I remember feeling jealous of my brother when he and his wife split. Alternate weekends with kids meant a weekend without. He would do all sorts whilst me and dh would fit our lives around the kids.

Now? Both his kids seem to have mh issues from their parents split.

You need help but so do your kids. It will
Impact them if mum isn't happy.

Could you " leave" when he has the children? Go away for a week. If you could do it emotionally and you trust him to care for them then that's what I'd do.Lije in Kramer vs Kramer. It doesn't have to be you left holding the baby. He may be more willing to compromise if he realises you won't be default childcare.

My kids are teens now. It still pisses me off that he can do whatever he wants while I have to plan my life around two dependants all the time. Although I was essentially on my own before he left.

I made a conscious decision that I wouldn't give him headspace (this is a work in progress) and he wouldn't ruin my life. My life has been nothing like how I planned and we're ok. I have also done and enjoyed some things I wouldn't have tried if I stayed with him.

It's tough. If you can't manage you can ask social services to help. If he won't sign, he will have to take them, I think. He can't insist you do any more than you can insist he does. Yo7 would have no control over who brings them up though.

I think you are showing great love for your babies you getting up and looking after them each day while things feel so difficult for you. The tiny baby stage is so exhausting on its own. I hope you let your parents help so you can get some breaks and support. Lots of hugs to you.

as a pp said 'dont let your anger with ex partner affect your relation with your beautiful dc'
i would block him out from my mind and have minimal contact and concentrate on my dc.
you will have good times with your dc, its not all hardship.

Yes very much so. I'm a full time taxi driver, chef, laundrette manager & cleaner as well as the day job & mummy which can be overwhelming but we have a lot of fun, we do a lot of cool things together, I use my support network to give me chance to go out and see friends & go to theatre etc. It's full on & a bit chaotic at times but I have embraced good enough not perfect as an approach and I would say most days I am now living not existing/surviving as I was when I first became a lone parent.

I work full time. Now post covid 2 days in the office & 3 days from home. I use wraparound care.
I would say my career progression has probably slowed because I couldn't have managed more but I have a fab employer & great people around me who have supported my "not yet" position & tbh it's still important to me because I need the brain challenge but moving up the ladder is not as important as it was.

HTH's

How long had you been together before having children?

Good luck. Pursue financial support through CMS. Have you started that process?

What a bastard.

Get as much maintenance as you can and hire a babysitter to buy yourself some freedom.

@RedHelenB They're children, not cats, the dad clearly cannot be bothered to look after them and if op did just "leave for a week" he'd only palm the poor confused kids onto the op's parents and then (wrongly) feel he has amunition to criticise her parenting.

Op it sounds unbelievably hard and I totally understand your resentment. The fact that he can so easily walk away and not contribute, even financially, is a disgrace. I think you're better off without him and his awful parents in the long run.

Absolutely make sure he pays CM and lean on your parents and anyone else who would be able to help. Home Start are a wonderful organisation, they helped us when we needed guidance on getting support for our son last year, but their main thing is supporting the parents. I also agree with a pp about taking pictures of your children, trying to find a few positives each day and making things as easy as possible for yourself.

@timewp It is only natural to feel as you do. This has been an enormous betrayal. You can come to terms with it over time but only by doing what you are doing and accepting the reality of your situation and letting the emotions you are experiencing happen.

Your ex is a total ratbag. It is extremely hard work having 2 very young dependent children. leaving you to manage that more or less on your own is just scummy behaviour.

The only thing I can say is that it is my own belief that the only thing that matters in life is enough resources to live off and good positive human connections. Both of these are still a possibility for you to work towards ver time.

Because of his failings your ex has virtually no possibility for developing real connections with his kids unless he grows up along the way.

Yeah you’ve hit the nail on the head. If I were to go away on the day he takes them, there is no doubt the children will be at my parents on that very same day because he wouldn’t keep them overnight, and I really don’t want to place that burden on them.

but yeah I don’t want to give them up or palm them off to a dad that doesn’t want them. I just want to find the maternal instincts within me to want to do it by myself but I’m just not feeling it right now

OP, things will absolutely get better and you will start to enjoy life again. You will not be happy or relaxed every minute or every day. There will be ups and downs. But this current low point is not indicative of how the rest of your life will feel.
Your children will grow. You will find ways to do some of the things you imagined doing with your family. It will look different to your original vision but you will make some good memories. If you always pictured lovely camping or cottage holidays then you might go with another single mom friend and her kids, for example.
Both your children are currently at very demanding stages but they will both become more and more independent and you will feel more like yourself again. Right now you need to call in the help of your parents and anyone else who will be in your corner to help you get through this difficult period. Put in some routines to help you cope. If your ex’s contact one day a week is consistent, that time is yours. I think the best thing to do with it at the moment might be to try to see a friend for coffee or similar. Something to distract you from his shittyness.
Also if your parents are local, could they regularly watch both kids for a afternoon every week so you can either get some things done, sleep, or have some time to yourself? Do something you used to enjoy before having children.

It’s also fine to decide you want to put the kids in childcare earlier than you had planned and go back to work. Lots of mums find that gives them a healthier life balance and they enjoy the time they spend with their kids more because they also have adult conversation time at work. This is a totally reasonable and valid way to be a good mum.

OP I haven't RTFT yet, part way through. But just wanted to say I completely understand your anger and resentment, and this is entirely normal. It does not make you a bad mother.

My ex-H left when my two were babies so I do understand. He has no contact at all and I have no family help. At first it felt like he'd ruined my life, but now, several years on, I see it entirely differently and am glad he isn't part of our lives.

Babies and toddlers are relentless and you're on mat leave so you haven't had any space to process your feelings. The end of any relationship is like grief and you will go through stages of disbelief then anger, resentment. But things will change. Your children will become more rewarding, you will get to watch them develop and grow up, share wonderful times, jokes, holidays, and he will be nothing in their lives. I know it doesn't feel like it now but in the end it is him who is going to miss out and have no relationship with them.

Love for children often grows gradually, it is a bit of a myth that everyone instantly feels overwhelming love. And obviously, just to cope, you've had to emotionally disconnect from life to some extent at the moment. Anti-depressants can make it easier to cope with traumatic periods in life but they often kill all positive emotions stone dead as well as numbing the painful ones, so that may well be contributing to how you feel (even though necessary at the moment). On their own they won't fix it though. You need proper emotional support, talking therapy. As a recent mother you are meant to be prioritised for this (even aside from what's happened to you!), so has your GP referred you for this?

I'd also echo what others have said about support networks. You're lucky you have family to support, lean on them. I'd never have survived without my friends. You may well make some great friends you can rely on once your children start nursery/ school, and that can make a huge difference.

Being a single mum is really hard. There's nowhere near enough recognition of it, and we're penalised financially on top. It's completely rational to feel angry at being put in this situation. Your feelings are totally valid, and you need time to sit with them, allow yourself to feel them and process them. And then you can move on and decide what to do now. There is no "should feel", you feel what you feel. But, we can only play the hand we are dealt. It isn't fair at all and your ex is a shit, but it's time now to start focusing on the future, and I really do believe that you will feel differently in time.

I felt a bit like this when my kids dad left when they were 1 and 3.

It sounds counter productive but the point at which I felt better about the whole thing was when I really got my head round the fact that I was going to be the only actual parent.

working from that as a starting point I claimed maintenance, booked childcare, got a cleaner, worked out ways to get proper breaks, saw friends etc. built my life round my kids in a way which suited me. He still sees them a bit and I consider that free childcare to let me see my friends more.

Dont worry about whether you love the kids - at this age love is about looking after and you are demonstrating that every day. If you stop thinking about it one day it’ll hit you how much you do love them.

You’ve said that your parents love the kids. Can you ask them to have them for a morning once a week in the middle of the week; and for the night after your ex has had them? That way you get one good nights sleep and one chilled morning each week.

Can you work out a way to see your friends? Can they come for dinner once toddler is in bed?

Can you work out a way to do some exercise? Even if it’s just on the day that ex has the kids? Something to get you moving every week.

can you think about work? When will you go back / what hours / what childcare? Are you entitled to benefits top up?

basically, fuck him, you’ve got this on your own and you are going to ace it!!

Sounds like you need a break though. If Dad won't step up would your mum have them then? You might find you miss them desperately when you're away from them for a week. Or you might feel that's how you need life to be and then you need to have the conversation about where you go from there. One positive is the fact that your mum is willing to help out.