Partner left feeling resentful left with 2 kids

[timewp]

My partner left me with toddler & newborn. Of course there’s a backstory regarding the breakup but the main reason for my post is that…. I’m starting to feel really resentful being left with the kids. I’m struggling to bond with the 3 month old baby and not enjoying having a toddler in the terrible two stage. Partner is back living with his parents and has his freedom back. He sees the kids once a week. He goes to work without worrying about childcare, goes to the gym, can date if he wants to, doesn’t need to worry about rent etc. They are his kids and kids are hard work, but he only gets to do the fun part then hand them back at the end of the day. I feel so miserable being a single mum of 2. It’s not what I had planned. It makes me feel worse attending baby groups and mums talking about their husbands and partners. I really am starting to resent being a mum and I’m not enjoying motherhood anymore. I’m on anti depressants, the sadness has worn off, just left with a lot of anger and resentment. I look after my kids, I attend to all their physical care needs, I can afford to provide for them financially and I take them out to groups. However I’m doing it because I have to, not because I want to. The joy of parenthood isn’t there since partner has left. I feel like he should take full care and see what it’s like in my shoes because whenever I ask for more help, he just tells me to stop being ungrateful that I have kids, and that he’s too busy. I feel like that strong love mothers talk about for their children, it’s just not there for me. I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty, I know it’s not their fault. But I can’t help but wish he’d have taken the kids with him. Then I can focus on my career, my goals, etc. But nope, he is the one with the freedom and I am the one left with the kids. I am not bonding with them properly. I can’t. I don’t know how to. I feel unhappy being a single mother and the thought of doing school runs, finding childcare, balancing work, raising kids etc all by myself now with no partner. Can anyone please tell me what to do?

Many people up thread have made some very good suggestions.

You are in a totally shit place, but worse have no power to change it.

I think the first thing you need to do is see your GP. I understand you saying you feel it would be less souls destroying if you could feel that mothers love. You seem to have lost it for your first child, so it could be due to PND. It might also be because of the resentment that you feel for your ex has clouded it, or it’s the sheer exhaustion. I’d just say that whenever my hormones have been out of kilter, it’s boiling anger that takes over.

There is also a possibility that antidepressants might help. I have taken them in the past and they help blunt emotions, so they may help dial down the anger. That’s not to say your anger isn’t deserved, your DP has behaved like an utter shit. Sometimes anger can be a force for good as it motivates and gives energy to force our way out of a bad situation. But at the moment you are powerless to do anything about him so your anger is just depleting you and getting in your way.

So please get to a GP.

I’d second trying to put him out of your head, but god knows that’s easier said than done. Please just remember that anything he says will not always be the truth. So if he says that parenting is easy, he knows it isn’t, but otherwise he’d have said ”yes I know that abandoning you to be a single mum to a toddler and a baby is fucking hard, which makes me even more of a shithead” I bet he can’t even admit it to himself, let alone you.

And finally, and I know this is of little help to you now, but the poster who said that her husband/partner now has no relationship with his children, is right.

I think you need to take one step at a time, and I do think that first step should be to see a GP. You absolutely need all the help you can get from anywhere and anyone.

Speak to CMS today to get maintenance. The sooner you open the case the better. If you get maintenance then you can pay for some help - nursery place or whatever and get a break.

You absolutely can't get a court to make him have them 50% of the time. That's not a thing. Court orders are only enforced the other way around, if one parent is withholding access to the other.

I had to “delete” him and her from my head. It was really hard in the early days but I had to crack on like they didn’t exist/had never existed.

I had a choice - be like my mother, obsessed, bitter, twisted, angry for the rest of my life OR play the Hell out of the cards I’d been dealt.

And like fuck was I going to be my mother, who is the reason I have CPTSD.

Can you get into some counselling? It may help. We obviously don't know the back story here but it may help you move forward. Especially if you feel he will be off the scene completely soon

There is life ahead for all 3 of you to be happy. Please seek support and be honest. I honestly do feel a PND assessment and some therapy will benefit you. Be honest either your parents too and take them up on their offer of reasonable help so you can focus on you.

Also in the long run, once you've created a new life for the three of you, you can take a lot of satisfaction from the achievement of providing for your children on your own: financially, emotionally, physically. Being completely financially independent. Building a life that nobody can trash again.

I did not know any other single mothers when this happened to me. All of my friends, and my children's friends' parents, were still in happily married couples. But now years later many are unhappy and some are on the verge of divorce. It makes me very sad for them that they are now in that situation, having invested so much more time into those relationships, and with older children who will find the change much harder as well. I am relieved that nobody can ever disrupt my life like that again because I don't rely on anybody. Meanwhile, I'm focusing on saving to get my mortgage paid off and boost my pension in the hope of an early retirement. :)

You can't change what's happened, but the future is completely up for grabs, once you're ready to face it. In the meantime focus on yourself and stop beating yourself up emotionally. It's a lot to go through, when the vision you had for your life is shattered suddenly. As I said before you need to let yourself grieve for that. But then it becomes the fresh start of a new chapter, which in the long run will be infinitely better for the fact that your ex is not part of it. Someone who could do what he did doesn't deserve a wife or children. But you do deserve happiness, and you can find that in time.

Thank you for all your replies. Some advice in particular has been extremely helpful and inspiring and I’ve taken screenshots to read and remind me. I think I’m going to approach this as if he were dead to me. Like I have no choice but to accept that he is no longer part of mine or children’s lives (apart from the few hours a week). I want to be strong enough for the children because I know they don’t deserve this. I am going to start looking at childcare, possibly benefits I may be entitled to, and see if I can return to work earlier. I’m hoping perhaps a work/life balance will help me too

This is so hard. I’m so sorry you have been treated badly and you are struggling to carry the responsibility for two very small children alone. But I worry that these feelings of anger and resentment will lead nowhere good. Above all, stop using your energy wanting to make your ex understand how much you have to do - he’s selfish and arrogant and has clearly shown you he’s not going to change. Please don’t let your disgust with him have a negative effect on your relationship with your children. What’s happened is not your fault, and it’s not their fault either.
Other posters have given you lots of practical suggestions to try and tackle the situation so I hope you can get a chance to digest the information and start taking steps to feel better. You can be a loving mother and your children can give you love and joy in return. Ask any family or friends you can for help and support so you can get some rest / a break ( but stop asking your ex for help, he’s enjoying refusing you ) and try to find positive moments in the day with your children. If you can hang on in there, In the long run you will be a happy little family and your ex will be the loser.

I’m so happy to read this and so impressed by your strength and resilience. You can do it

Reading what the OP is saying now and the advice and encouragement from other women who have come through this and out the other side, gives me hope and faith. Good luck OP

Well done. That's bloody excellent. 🥰

Fantastic to hear your update. Just focus on the future and yes maybe returning to work earlier will help. Too much of one thing is never good, thats why they always say to find a good balance in your life. Hopefully your parents are able to help break up your days/week. Even where possible to leave them overnight so you can just have a complete break.

Good luck

OP it takes incredible strength to get through this, but it's clear from your responses that you have this even if you don't feel like you do or believe you do right now. And you will do it. Because we're women, we're much stronger than men, we do what has to be done. And then we beat ourselves up that we're not good enough parents! The irony. You are good enough. You are more than good enough and you will be all your children need, and much stronger yourself for this as well once you come out the other side of this horrific shock. Single mothers are the unsung superheros. It's not a life people would generally choose, it's hard. But in the end, when I look back, would I change my decisions knowing this would happen? No. Because I'm not responsible for his actions, and the world is a better place with my children in it, and we are happy now. You can be, too. It's such a cliché I know but time is the greatest healer. He has trashed the life you built, but you can build a new one that's much better.

I'm so glad, OP.

Well done for being the sole caretaker of two very small children. Your ex is not a nice enough person to have the care of those children for 50% of the time. Thinking of them and yourself is the right course of action.
I would pursue financial support (and 50/50 if you can on paper) from the father but be happy with the once per week visitation. It is good to have a skilled doctor to look after you; you could be depressed.
Look on the bright side. You will have more freedom to work out your life without 50/50. It is most important that you get some regular time to yourself and help when you need it with the children. Utilise your lovely parents in your time-table for the next few years. Have your ex pay for childcare regularly. (Part of his 50%) Have play dates with trusted friends.
Listen to how you are feeling and have plans for when you need help or time walking in nature or whatever.
Life hasn't worked out as you planned but make all steps from now on in the direction that makes you and the kids the happiest.

This sounds like PND. Go see your GP, stop following him on social media and go spend time with supportive family. Long term his disengagement will result in a lesser bond and your kids will know who their real support comes from.

This is awesome. You have got this! It won’t be easy but with this as a plan you will 100 percent come out the other side happier than you went in.

I can just imagine you in 5 years time, with a nice, fun, comfortable life that you’ve built with your school aged kids. Coming onto Mumsnet to support someone else just starting out on this journey.

Welcome to a pretty awesome club of single mums living lovely lives with their children without a man in sight 😁

Aw I really hope so. Praying for better days. Just gotta get through this hard part whilst the breakup is still fresh and I’m still adjusting to single mum life.

@timewp
you can get help through UC towards childcare and you can claim it whilst on maternity leave.
how about finding a place for your 2 year old 1-2 days a week and ask your parents to have baby one day a week that way you can have one day to yourself.

anger can be part of depression.

You're being amazing OP. Taking action will be so positive for you.

But whenever you're feeling down, just remember this is a very normal part of the grieving process. Even if you're not grieving for your ex-partner, it's only natural to be grieving for the life you imagined together and the hopes and dreams tied up with that. However, you can build a new life with different hopes and dreams, and with positive new energy that doesn't involve someone dragging you down with their neglect and lack of caring and support.

That’s what I’m doing currently. In the process of finding nursery places for them both and claiming costs on UC. That way I’ll have them sorted for when I go back to work, which is hopefully sooner than I’d originally planned. I think a work/life balance will do me some good

I haven't read all the thread OP but do your parents know how low your are feeling and how hard this all is? I have adult DDs and I hope I would obv know they're struggling if they were left in your situation but some people need it spelling out. They might think you're ok, be honest with them, if you haven't already.

Sorry I'm coming this thread late don't know if you're still reading but I really feel for you. My approach would be to realise that he is a violent abusive cunt who is trying his best to break you and I would simply refuse to give the fucker that satisfaction. My revenge would be the laughter of my children.

Dont worry about him living free and easy no matter how many selfies you post there's no hiding it when you're rotten to the core and no joy either. He is poison and it's all lies.

You are right to be fucking angry and I would use it as fuel to prove to that cunt, yourself, everybody that you will NOT be broken. Eye of the tiger time, dig deep, you can do it

Thanks for your message. Yes I’m still reading. And I’m feeling stronger and bonding a lot more with my kids! things are still tough, it isn’t easy, but I am coping better day by day thank you