Partner left feeling resentful left with 2 kids

[timewp]

My partner left me with toddler & newborn. Of course there’s a backstory regarding the breakup but the main reason for my post is that…. I’m starting to feel really resentful being left with the kids. I’m struggling to bond with the 3 month old baby and not enjoying having a toddler in the terrible two stage. Partner is back living with his parents and has his freedom back. He sees the kids once a week. He goes to work without worrying about childcare, goes to the gym, can date if he wants to, doesn’t need to worry about rent etc. They are his kids and kids are hard work, but he only gets to do the fun part then hand them back at the end of the day. I feel so miserable being a single mum of 2. It’s not what I had planned. It makes me feel worse attending baby groups and mums talking about their husbands and partners. I really am starting to resent being a mum and I’m not enjoying motherhood anymore. I’m on anti depressants, the sadness has worn off, just left with a lot of anger and resentment. I look after my kids, I attend to all their physical care needs, I can afford to provide for them financially and I take them out to groups. However I’m doing it because I have to, not because I want to. The joy of parenthood isn’t there since partner has left. I feel like he should take full care and see what it’s like in my shoes because whenever I ask for more help, he just tells me to stop being ungrateful that I have kids, and that he’s too busy. I feel like that strong love mothers talk about for their children, it’s just not there for me. I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty, I know it’s not their fault. But I can’t help but wish he’d have taken the kids with him. Then I can focus on my career, my goals, etc. But nope, he is the one with the freedom and I am the one left with the kids. I am not bonding with them properly. I can’t. I don’t know how to. I feel unhappy being a single mother and the thought of doing school runs, finding childcare, balancing work, raising kids etc all by myself now with no partner. Can anyone please tell me what to do?

He can't simply refuse to obey a court ordered residence arrangement. If he does he risks being found in contempt of court. He can be jailed for two years for that.

Mathanxiety.
There is no court order at this time.
The court will not order 50/50 if he says he doesn’t want it.
So OP if already by default the resident parent. Because the status quo is that the kids are living with her and visiting this day one day a week.
She could drop them at her ex’s current place of residence and just not pick them up afterwards, but she says he will just take them to her parents place and call her a terrible mother forever more. So it won’t fix her problems.
Also if she actually did do that, she might find a whole new set of shitty feelings to deal with, plus no sympathy from friends and family.

OP. Lean on your parents for a bit. They have said they will help you. Believe them. You need the help right now. Give them a call tomorrow and organize some time with them.

What nice things did you always imagine doing with your kids? Can you start planning to do some of those things?

The point of taking him to court and petitioning for 50-50 is to make him engage in a serious way with the conversation on his responsibility to his children. He won't be able to ignore the court.

That's your starting point in the negotiation.

Either he accepts the 50-50 or he pays you enough in child support to facilitate nursery or CM or other care so that you can have your career back.

He can't have his cake and eat it. You are not the designated carrier of the can here.

You need to get yourself a solicitor and talk about your options.

And please don't discount the PND suggestion. Just because you've been left reeling by your ex's abusive actions doesn't mean you're not also floored by PND.

You don't need to go to court to get maintanance, family court aren't going to deal with that

Honestly block his social, why even look if its not making you feel any better.

I get your grieving a lif round thought you would have but its affecting the children.

You should be focusing on you and them now, get your parents to help out more whilst you adjust to your new situation. Or if you can stay at theirs for a while so you too can have those breaks.

Don't let what he is doing have so much power over you. Take control of what you can.

And if placing the children for adoption is an option for you, you can talk to a solicitor about that too.

He can't just fold his arms and force you to be the designated parent here.

Firstly - block him on ALL social media.

Secondly - if you can afford it, for at least one morning a week hire a babysitter to watch your children for 2-3 hours while you can have some time to yourself.

It seems at the moment resentment is eating you up and using up all of your head space so you have no emotion left for your children. There's no reason you need to know he's taking selfies at the gym or what he's doing with his free time. If your parents can act as a go between so he doesn't have to contact you at all then even better.

This is great advice OP.

I can understand why you feel so angry, he's a complete nobhead, and from the sound of his parents' attitude, it's unsurprising he's turned out that way.

But you can't control other people. And by trying to make him into a better person, you'll only feel more powerless and frustrated. Rant and rave about him. Then be as kind to yourself as you can. In a few years time it really will be easier as they're so much more able to do stuff for themselves and you can have more fun with them.

You can put a Child Maintenance claim in right now. You don’t need to wait for anything or go to court for that. If he’s got any sense, he’ll set up a direct debit of at least the amount the CMS says in the minimum ASAP. If he’s not got any sense, you go through CMS and they add a fee on top and take it from him directly.

Perhaps the reason for the break up is part of the issue - did either one of you cheat?
If you’re obsession over that (guilt if it was you, anger if it was him) then that would explain why your feelings are so strong.

Therapy helps, along with having ‘time out’ which you’ll get when you go back to work or the kids go into childcare.
It might feel bleak now, but time really is the best healer.

I’m 11 years on from where you are. He fucked off with a younger OW leaving me with a newborn and a toddler, not a care in the world, swanning around doing whatever whilst back at his mothers, having everything done for him. He picked them up maybe once a month.

I remember that rage very clearly. I had severe post natal anxiety (was under perinatal psych) due to trying to figure out how to pay bills and childcare on one wage and the piss poor amount of child support CMS told him to pay, the maths wasn’t mathing and I was off sick after mat leave ended. I felt he had destroyed my post natal period, my bond with my toddler, my newborn, my finances, my entire present and future. Those first two years are something I’m glad I have almost no memory of due to the exhaustion and medications I was on.

My kids are in secondary school now. We are very close. They barely see him. By the time OW cheated on him (hahahaha), the damage to his relationship with our children had long been done, he didn’t listen to any of my warnings during that time, and now has the audacity to be all sad puppy face about his lack of relationship with them.

Now I just feel sorry for him. He destroyed his relationship with his children, and it didn’t have to be that way. I’d have happily done EOW, every weekend, 50/50. But he didn’t want to, once a month for a few hours was enough for 6 years, then he got cheated on and dumped and expected our children to fill that lonely gap.

That’s not something he can ever take back, undo or do over, whereas I had the power to create a whole new life, so I did.

yes, but then the only option would be for him to step in. If he is unwilling to then he wouldn't have much else of a say

Sorry to hear what has happened to you op. Your ex is a complete c*nt. Your feelings are valid. I would be equally angry and resentful if I were in your position. But you are still a good mother; you are still there and take care of your kids physical needs in very difficult circumstances.

I think you should take as much help from your parents as they willing to offer without feeling any guilt about it (assuming there are no strings attached) and try to get as much child maintenance from your ex as possible. And therapy if at all possible.

Exactly.

Unfortunately, court will not force him to parent his children. But he can't force you to parent them either.

I sort of think you should look into putting them up for adoption or long-term foster care. Or just handing them over to your parents. But if you do decide to keep them it really will get easier. They are close enough in age that the work involved at the moment is tremendous but soon they will be best mates

It needs to be 50/50

If you were my daughter I would want to do everything I could to help you. Please let your parents help you through this. Your toddler is reacting to so many traumatic changes in his little life. Your parents can give him the reassurance and stability he needs. Please let them help you.

Ohhh go away can’t you see she is struggling… comments like that don’t help! Parenting is tough enough with a good partner, a distant partner. However, this OP is dealing with grief and anger which is completely justifiable during the 4th trimester

OP can you stay with your parents for a while they sound lovely. If they could help and allow you to wallow and have some space to sort through your feelings.

Definitely this. I would put my money on the fact you are significantly depressed given everything you have been through and being so recently postpartum

The feelings of emotional
detachment are very common with depression . It does get better with help

And yes like PP said when you have the energy ask for 50:50

i know you regret the second baby, but this second baby also made you separate fromn this deadbeat loser - and that is a blessing.

Your relationship would have failed with or without the second baby as your ex partner is scum.

If my son every did what your ex did I would die of shame and would personally walk him back to his children and tell him he needs to his duty

You dodged a major bullet . Your kids were your ticket out

@crocusfocus is right

You have dodged a bullet and it's such good news you are no longer with this horrible man

See your doctor again. I think you have PND and I think some form of counselling would be helpful for the anger. Once you can see how lucky you are to be away from this awful man, you'll feel more in control

Ask your parents if they'll have the children 2 days a week to give you a break

Apply for maintenance through the official channels so that piece of crap pays

I'd ask your ILs if they can have the children one day a week and tell them that you're struggling as two under 3 is hard on your own

Try and get out in the fresh air every day and if you can do some aerobic exercise daily that will help with the anger

Take a good multi vit and magnesium daily

And remember how lucky you are to have found out what an arsehole he is.

Once you go back to work you'll feel more 'human'

Accept your parents offer of help - grab this with both hands.

Either stay with them as a family or them have the children for several days - the purpose is to give you a decent break to eat, sleep & breathe. Do this as a priority.

See your GP again, bring them up to speed. Ask for a double appointment as this is a mental health matter. You are having a tough time, & the possibility of PND needs to be explored.

Your Ex - you cannot make a silk purse out of sow’s ear. He is not interested in parenting his children & his family are supporting his stance. Cut your losses, revise your expectations otherwise this will sap your energy, delay your recovery & progress in life.

Your parents love you & your children very much, turn towards this source of light & warmth & away from your Ex & his family’s cold, mean indifference.

Very practical suggestions about CM & using the funds for childcare - another positive for the children & you.

@timewp this is a tough phase, but you will prevail.

One of the loveliest local families I know is the mother, her son and her parents.
The father disappeared early, and is dismissed by all. The grandparents were part of the school run, kids parties, having my kids for tea.
They are just such a brilliant family unit, between the three grown ups they've raised an amazing lad and everyone has kept their sanity and benefited.

It could be a good model to think of for the future.