Partner left feeling resentful left with 2 kids

[timewp]

My partner left me with toddler & newborn. Of course there’s a backstory regarding the breakup but the main reason for my post is that…. I’m starting to feel really resentful being left with the kids. I’m struggling to bond with the 3 month old baby and not enjoying having a toddler in the terrible two stage. Partner is back living with his parents and has his freedom back. He sees the kids once a week. He goes to work without worrying about childcare, goes to the gym, can date if he wants to, doesn’t need to worry about rent etc. They are his kids and kids are hard work, but he only gets to do the fun part then hand them back at the end of the day. I feel so miserable being a single mum of 2. It’s not what I had planned. It makes me feel worse attending baby groups and mums talking about their husbands and partners. I really am starting to resent being a mum and I’m not enjoying motherhood anymore. I’m on anti depressants, the sadness has worn off, just left with a lot of anger and resentment. I look after my kids, I attend to all their physical care needs, I can afford to provide for them financially and I take them out to groups. However I’m doing it because I have to, not because I want to. The joy of parenthood isn’t there since partner has left. I feel like he should take full care and see what it’s like in my shoes because whenever I ask for more help, he just tells me to stop being ungrateful that I have kids, and that he’s too busy. I feel like that strong love mothers talk about for their children, it’s just not there for me. I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty, I know it’s not their fault. But I can’t help but wish he’d have taken the kids with him. Then I can focus on my career, my goals, etc. But nope, he is the one with the freedom and I am the one left with the kids. I am not bonding with them properly. I can’t. I don’t know how to. I feel unhappy being a single mother and the thought of doing school runs, finding childcare, balancing work, raising kids etc all by myself now with no partner. Can anyone please tell me what to do?

And no. The court order is for the RP (you) to make the kids available and to abide by. It is not a rule for him to follow.

Yeah you’re right there. I do look forward to returning to work and once childcare is sorted and I have some adult company I know that’ll make me feel better to some degree

for me it’s the resentment towards ex that is driving me crazy. We can all walk away from relationships, but how you can walk away from two whole children and have no responsibility to them anymore and just go about a life of freedom like any single childless person that makes me very angry

We can all walk away from relationships, but how you can walk away from two whole children and have no responsibility to them anymore and just go about a life of freedom like any single childless person that makes me very angry

hut you’re saying you want to do that. You want him to take full time care so you can focus on other things.

can I ask you gently. If neither of you want the children, is there a potential you can look to other solutions, ie foster care immediately to give you space to get your thoughts in order.

children at this age can be adopted easily and have a good,life with parents who love them. I think it’s important to do what’s the best for rhe kids in the long term and maybe you need space to think about that.

Beside the point, but if my son turned up on my doorstep stating he’d walked out on his partner and 2 baby aged kids with zero plans to support them either practically or financially he wouldn’t be welcome in my house. Can’t believe your ex-ILs are facilitating him.

Sorry you are in such a shit situation OP. Im not surprised you feel so overwhelmed. I hope things get easier for you and you at least manage to get this prize to pay for his kids.

Because he’s a loser and there is no point in even trying to understand people like that because anyone decent can’t comprehend behaving like that

I think right now you have a lot of time at home to dwell on this aspect and I imagine you are tired and waking up for night feeds etc and I totally get why you are feeling this way but I really do think as things get easier in that regard / more sleep / adult company and a bit of time to yourself you’ll be able to distance your thoughts from your ex and start feeling happier in yourself

This is really hard for you OP.

I do think some therapy or counselling might help you here. You need to reframe your anger with him before it destroys you. Yea he's a total
cunt. 100% dick head. It's ok to be angry at him but ultimately the best revenge you can get is to live your life without him. Build a life for you and your lovely children and it will be him who misses out. His freedoms won't last long, he'll be settled down with some new sucker in no time and no doubt he'll peddle all sorts of lies about why he doesn't see his kids.

Do what you can to build a support network that doesn't involve him. Nursery, grandparents, friends, whoever you can find to share the load even a little bit. Befriend older neighbours and maybe they'll hold the baby for a bit while you cut the grass. Etc etc. Befriend teenage neighbours and maybe they'll come and play with the toddler for an hour while you & baby nap.

Op, I'm so so sorry.

I think that the first thing you need to do is to accept that he doesn't care about any of you. You need to focus your mind as if he is dead. Get advice to get him to pay as he is legally required and then move your life.

It is natural that you feel bitter and resentful. Being a single mother is hard and thankless. But you have your children and can do it on your own terms. Be the mum they respect and adore. They are that most important relationship in your life, you can do an incredible job showing them love.

Good luck.

I have considered this. Ex says it’s not an option as the kids are innocent and don’t deserve to be palmed off to Random strangers and need their mum. My parents said they’ll take the kids if I ever considered giving them away and they’re happy to help with childcare if ever I’m struggling. It’s just that I hate my ex for abandoning us all and shutting the kids out and he think it’s the woman’s job to have the kids if the man leaves it’s making me resent my life

Nice to see there are some people who parent their adult kids properly. Ex ILs particularly FIL dislikes young kids and no doubt has a hand in encouraging him to leave them behind

I completely understand how betrayed you feel and it is an utter piss take that he can just swan off and do what he likes, but this bitterness and resentment is not good for you or your children.
Focus that anger on being the best mum you can be, take the time to really bond with them and love them.
Your children are really small, it is hard work when they're that small but it does get easier.
Every day they will do things, learn things, become little people and their useless dad is missing all of it, but you aren't.

He's refused to look after them but where are j his parents!! They should be giving you a break and seeing their grandchildren

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You’re entitled to your feelings, so please don’t put pressure on yourself because you’re “supposed” to feel a particular way. If you feel very disconnected it’s worth talking to HV about PND or seeing GP to discuss - there is support out there if you ask for help.

I found what worked for me when things were very tough was forgetting about him and focusing on how what I wanted my DC to have and how I wanted them to perceive me. For instance, I wanted my toddler to have trips to the park as part of their life, so I took them. I wanted them to know they were heard and loved, so I listened and gave them cuddles (even when I was feeling like crap).

Sometimes it really is a case of breaking it down into little pieces and just going day by day. If you can stay active with them and feel your feelings more once they’re in bed you’ll get through it and they will still get what they need. Gradually your feelings will rebalance a bit and you won’t feel quite so resentful and bleak. Sadly the only way past it is through it. Just paint by the numbers and at least you’ll be able to feel good about providing care, even if you can’t “feel” the way you think you should. Loads of parenting is just slogging it out, especially when they are tiny. Being back at work will probably help a lot too.

The less headroom you give him the happier and more connected you’ll feel to them and to yourself.

If he refuses to take them op. He doesn’t get a say. He can’t force you to do it. You need to make a decision for what’s right for the kids.

If your parents are able to help let them help you more to get more of a break to deal with your emotions. I think at some stage you have to accept the situation and let it go. Maybe therapy will help you get there.

So have your parents help you until your back at work and then you'll feel better as your doing adult things again even if it is work.

Were you bonded with the toddler before he left? I can’t understand resenting the additional work the baby brings but presumably you were close to and loved the older one, why has your ex leaving damaged your relationship with the DC so much?

Of course you’re angry with your ex, he’s a useless shit. And if you really don’t want your kids anymore you could drop them on his doorstep and not look back. Shared care can’t be enforced but as he’s on their BCs you can’t be made to take them back if you’ve left them with their other parent.

If you aren’t going to do that you need to find ways to process your anger in ways which have the least impact on the kids as possible. The older one has gone through a massive amount of change and upset - new baby, dad fucked off, mum raging - and the poor thing must feel completely at sea.

I CAN understand, sorry.

Could you go and stay with your parents for a week OP?
Let them look after you a bit. Tea and sympathy. Let them play with the toddler and cuddle the baby and watch them love your kids because they are part of you and part of them.
I think you’re struggling because you’re seeing the kids of an extension of your ex and he’s just wrecked your imagined future family. Balance those crappy thoughts with nice ones about how your kids fit into your family.

Yes I was well connected to the first one. I feel struggle now with him as he is at the terrible 2 stage and his behaviour has changed at a time I’m struggling the most. But mainly my struggle is with the new baby and regretting having the second. And the breakup has a damaging effect on the relationship with the kids is because I am left to do all the hard work that comes with parenting and he gets to go and have his freedom. He takes selfies at work and at the gym and out for meals and posts them on social media so I can see his living his life whilst I don’t know what day it is constantly up at night feeding and attending to his kids. It’s draining and makes me very angry

but yeah I have considered dropping them off to him and not having them back. But I honestly think he would just drop them to my parents house then because he knows my parents adore their grandkids and I wouldn’t want my parents left with the burden

What a horrible POS he is.

Please consider contacting the charity gingerbread;they are a charity who offer support and advice to single parents;they have a online forum/support group and have in person support groups in different areas;there might be one near you.

The thing is even if that was in the equation he will still have to agree to it because he is on the birth certificates so he has rights and he would never sign off on that he just shames me for being a bad mother for even considering it but won’t pull his weight and help

He can't make you keep them.
That whole you can't force a parent to parent applies to both.

Well he has to agree or take them himself, he can't force you to have them any more than you can force him

I don't know what pp are thinking with the take him to court for 50/50, no court can force a parent to step up and have their children

As usual, mathanxiety doesn't know what she's talking about. All the court order will do is say you, as the resident parent, have to make the children available for their father to take at set times on set days (50/50 or whatever). They can't make him take the children at those times.

I had PND and my main symptoms were anger and rage so please don't discount this. Talk to the GP and health visitor. There used to be (pre pandemic) fast track referrals for PND. Therapy would probably be really useful. Some time off when your parents can help out would also really help. I am sorry it is so shit at the moment.

I'm sorry OP. It's not surprising that you are struggling to bond with your baby when it is all tied up with the trauma of the breakup. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

I think you need to reduce contact, apart from necessary stuff related to child handovers. Don't let him goad you or criticise you. Block him on facebook so he can't see the gym pics.

Take all the help you can get, from your parents, friends. You need time and space to process what he has done, and grieve for the life you expected.