partner does not accept daughter

[Dom1990]

need some advice my girlfriend who was great with my daughter at first does not want to be around my daughter, her words are i want to be with you does not mean i need to be involved with your daughter.

when i have my daughter ( twice a week ) she used to stay in the bedroom or go out now she's will just watch tv and create an atmosphere.

she does not agree with way i parent and says I baby my daughter acts a bit babyish for her age, may be true i'm
not sure, my daughter has no behavioural issues and i have only received good comments on her behaviour from family and school can not speak any more highly of her.

my parter gets jealous if i sit in my daughters bedroom with her and play and says she always comes first,

there was a time she come out the bedroom and didn't even acknowledge my daughter was here and once she left i questioned her and she said well" she didn't say hello to me either"

when i ask my daughter what she thinks of my daughter she said she likes her she does not notice that she does not enrage with her yet but i'm sure she picks up on the atmosphere.

my daughter is turning 8 soon.

anyone else experience similar situation, my worry is this will get worse not better

It's one sided for a reason, children are take up your time and rightly so when this dad only has two days with his daughter. These are years he will not get back, he has his daughter less than a third of the year. Their time is precious.

With DH and our children, I'm sometimes bottom of the pile and vice versa. That's with us being under one roof. It's what happens sometimes when you have kids, more so with single parents but people who can't handle it probably shouldn't get involved.

Red flags:

1. my girlfriend who was great with my daughter at first does not want to be around my daughter

She's trying to make you choose, it's controlling. If she was adult enough she'd acknowledge the issue is hers and she shouldn't be in a relationship with you. Your child will always remember your choice and sometimes there's no coming back from it.

2. her words are i want to be with you does not mean i need to be involved with your daughter

It does if you have any future together (but, imo, from your post there is no future). Again, she's making you choose or at best making herself too comfortable and putting her wellbeing over your daughter's. She's a grown adult and this is not OK.

3. she's will just watch tv and create an atmosphere.

So she is intentionally making your child uncomfortable in her own home? So you're not choosing her outright and she's driving the wedge between you and your child.

4. she does not agree with way i parent

She doesn't have to, by the sounds of it she should be with someone childless. Plus, children go at their own pace, they can regress when they're adjusting to/have not fully dealt with break ups, etc. Her attitude is not helping your child's wellbeing in the long run.

5. my parter gets jealous if i sit in my daughters bedroom with her and play

Very best case scenario, if she doesn't want to be involved with your child, their world's should never collide and they should be apart - partner only there on the days you don't have your child. However, what happens if there's an emergency and you need to look after your child on your usual childfree days? I'd never commit to this woman though, she will never have your child's interests at heart.

Fwiw, this kind of happened to me and I still remember it. His GF didn't like me and would argue about how I was as a child (annoying, kids of that age are) and tell me he needed to discipline me, she ended up smacking me once. I now have very low expectations of my father as a person and we're not close. They eventually had kids together and I always felt like an 'outsider'.

How hard it is to be on the other side?

There is no obligation to even be on the other side.

And this forum is made up of all sorts of people - many, many of whom have a great deal more experience in, and understanding of, step-parenting than it seems you have.

There are also lots of women on here who know their limitations - and who wouldn’t get involved with a man with children in their first place. Because they know they’re not cut out for it, and that the interests of the child/ten should be paramount.

Again - there is no obligation to even be on the other side. If you don’t think you’re cut out for it, don’t go there. There are zillions of men in the world, go for one who doesn’t have kids.

Agreed, @ComfortablyDazed . You can opt into in, or opt out. It's not compulsory to date someone with a child so if you find it too difficult, don't do it. And it is difficult. Personally I think it's worth it and I love the household we have, but sometimes you have to work at it.

Absolutely @ComfortablyDazed

Anyone getting into a relationship with a person with children needs to be cognisant of the fact it’s possible they’ll be living with you at some point permanently.

I know two step parents whose DSC’s mother died unexpectedly and the children have come to them permanently.

This is why I always say if you’re not willing to be a proper parent to a DSC there’s zero point in the relationship.

For what it is worth, I don’t think the OP’s partner is some evil witch.

In all likelihood she’s a perfectly nice person who had no idea what she was getting herself into. It’s a big ask to expect somebody who isn’t a parent to think like one, get the priorities of one at warp speed 9 and dump all the pre-child expectations of a romantic relationship with a click of the fingers.

This is probably not an awful person problem. More a mismatch in terms of their differing life experience and current most pressing responsibilities. Sometimes that can be worked out. But when it comes to children the stakes are too high for their future well-being to dedicate the time and learning curve required at the smallie’s expense.

Both the adults can and likely will get over a romantic relationship that didn’t pan out. But the parent-child bond is more typically a “one ticket on the merry go round of love” kind of thing. And if there’s damage or fracturing it can take a lifetime to fix that degree of broken heart. If it ever gets fixed at all.

There isn’t a “plenty of fish in the sea” range of alternatives in the parent/child relationship.

If that ever happens you could end the relationship on the basis that you don't want to parent someone else's child.

Or just don't fall into the trap of thinking a relationship can only progress if you move in together with all your kids. It's ridiculous.

In all likelihood she’s a perfectly nice person who had no idea what she was getting herself into.

Hmm, not buying it I'm afraid, anyone who is nasty to an innocent 7 year old because she happens to be in the way of the relationship is not a "perfectly nice person".

None of the messages on here mention partnership. The misogyny against the GF, the hatred and lack of understanding. Mostly from people who have no experience of what they’re talking about

I am not being sexist. I wouldn't care if it was a woman posting about her boyfriend. In fact I'd be even more inclined to say she should end the relationship as so many children are abused by stepfathers/mum's boyfriends.

If you have a child, they come first. If your partner will not accept the child, you get rid of the partner and find one who will.

Perfectly nice people do not sulk around 7 year olds.

This woman sounds immature. She should find a child free man and grow up a fair bit.

She's an immature nasty cow who should be nowhere near your daughter.

She's this bad now.. imagine longer term when she's trying to drive a bigger wedge, and moaning that she's not number 1, and disciplining your young daughter, and basically trying to ignore her existence.

Stand by your innocent 8 year old. She didn't ask for this fuckery.

Dump her or she will ruin your relationship with your daughter.
My Dad is with someone similar has been for years . He now does see his 2 sons at all and I see him a few times a year. He also doesn't see the rest of his family, get rid.

@Dom1990
Where did you go mate? Did you not like the replies? 🤷

It seems that @Dom1990 is very much a dump and run kind of guy.

Let's just hope he dumped the girlfriend!

Because that’ll fix all his problems with being a shit dad! Blame the parents, not the GF who finds herself in a shit sandwich!

Such an awful lot of misunderstanding of how hard it is to actually live, even part time, with someone else’s child.
How many people actually like other peoples children honestly?? And to live with them?
I know, I hear you, there’s choices as an adult, but when you’re happy in your relationship and you want to stay, it can be a very hard situation to live in.

yes, we know. you're the real victim here.

It’s not my thread and not sure why you need to unnecessarily stick the boot in! It’s just my point of view, just like you have yours. I’m no victim, lady!

How many people actually like other peoples children honestly?? And to live with them?

I think my DP's child is amazing and I love being part of her life. I do choose not to live with them. This is something all three of us thought was better, for the time being. You can have a great relationship and not share accommodation, despite the MN mantra that that means they're not really your partner.

I think my DP's child is amazing and I love being part of her life. I do choose not to live with them.

This would seem the solution. I can't echo your sentiments, but my big mistake was to move in and give up independence. I think I could have tolerated the situation a bit better if I didn't live it. I've since reversed this decision.

Don't get involved in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TheFormidableMrsC if only I’d thought of that! #genius

@WisherWood - you sound smart

OP it’s really bad form to start a bunfight and then not return to the tread.