Fairymum, how nice for you to live in an ivory tower and to believe that you alone possess the moral high ground. I do so hope that real life doesn't come along and puncture the balloon of smugness in which you have so evidently cocooned yourself. I offered the example of smacking my DS because I realise that parenting isn't an exact science, it is trial and error. Also because what works with one child does not work with another.
I did not say anywhere I believe that I could not see other ways of dealing with his tantrum...I could have taken him out of the store; bribed him to be quiet by buying him what it was I was saying no to; what I was not going to do was try to have a reasoned conversation with a 7 year old who had worked himself up into a tizzy because he couldn't get his own way. He shoved the trolley, it hit an elderly lady and I smacked him. End of story. I did not try to get him to apologise to the lady, as it would have been counter-productive. I really do not feel that you know enough about my son or the situation in the shop to comment. Just as teachers have different sanctions available to them, so do parents, and that is the one I chose to use. I was interested to see what alternatives you would come up with as you seemed to very keen to criticise, but not to offer practical advice,(apart from read a book or look at MN) which always appears to me to be the mark of someone who doesn't know what they are talking about, but is always eager to put their oar in. My parenting is fine TYVM, and I am neither ignorant nor lazy about the subject.
You are very lucky that yours have not misbehaved in public since they were little, most children in my experience do misbehave in public, even in 'nice middle class areas' like the one that you inhabit,especially when their parents aren't looking. What you might perceive as not misbehaving may have others wishing you'd take your children home. It's a matter of perception isn't it?
It's a shame you loathe the word discipline as it has different meanings, and it is important. However, if children don't have it, and it is not there as they approach teenagerdom, which I suppose is a way off for yours, then there will be difficult times for them ahead. They have to have discipline to get through GCSEs and to hit their coursework deadlines; to avoid the pitfalls of drinking; to not get into the drugs crowd....and there IS such a crowd at every secondary school, state and private; if girls, to avoid the teenage pregnancy trap. They will need discipline for A-levels and especially at uni when off the leash for the first time.
What I mean by discipline is DH and I having and giving to DS a set of values that work for us, and a clear understanding of the consequences of making what we would consider to be the wrong choices. No parent is perfect, and we all make different choices about how we parent depending on our mores (the customs and conventions embodying the fundamental values of a group) and our circumstances.
I would recommend for you a good dose of tolerance and perhaps try to put yourself in others shoes for once. I am lucky like you, I have a comfortable life and time since I have moved abroad to post on forums like this. What would you do about the impoverished divorced mum who works all hours god sends to not claim benefits and whose children are beginning to play up in public, and she smacks a bottom. Get Social Services round? Intervene and tell her off? Unless you have developed some kind of omniscience that the rest of us would love to know about, and you know ALL the circumstances about EVERYONE'S lives then all you can do is offer your opinion and not be judgemental about other's actions. I don't judge your form of parenting, however I don't think it would be robust enough for my DS.
I have posted about out of control kids, because I have spent much of my time as a teacher dealing with this, and cases of neglect and sexual abuse so bad that it nearly broke my heart.As bb99 pointed out, this is what's really important, that we try to put it right for these kids, and stop them going on the scrap heap and society getting worse; not the fact that I smacked DS on the bottom in Waitrose once. You need to see the big picture, not just some of the minute detail. Perhaps you should go and work in a large comprehensive school and you could see the reality that a lot of these students have to deal with. It might put a lot of things into context for you. Like lots of teachers I know who are parents, we go with what works for us with our children, but we don't judge others style of parenting, as we see every day that there are a myriad of different styles out there, and that they all to some extent work.
DrLurker and bb99 thanks for your support...I am glad that there are other people with a common sense view of the world out there!