Are there any absoute rights and wrongs in parenting?

[seeker]

Apart from bottom line safety issues?

I have been thinking about this because I consider myself by nature a relativist, and the mumsnet consensus is to end most discussions with something like "each to their own".

But I was on a thread recently when I felt very strongly that someone's viewpoint was just wrong. Not a different point of view, but wrong. And I said so - expecting to be flamed - but somewhat to my chagrin I was reminded of my insignificance by being ignored!

So, are there any parenting issues that people feel are absolutely right or wrong - or is everything except basic safety things like car seats and smoking over babies heads and not leaving your valium open in the cot a matter of opinion?

i didn't say it was right - i said i had done it and was seeking help. After i had a red mist moment i booked myself at the docs, got some anti-d's and then went for councelling - I'm not cured, but I have methods to deal with highly charged situations and haven't lashed out in a long time....

I'm not looking for a "hey well done meeely" i was putting forward a situation of which i had personal experience, where smacking may occur and still be wrong, but not to the extent of the parent in question being lynched for doing it.

i feel guilty enough without holier than thou's piling on the 'oh my god that is so wrong' lines

twinkie you have every right to get wound up, but when you don't know the ins and outs of the situations being spoken of I'm not sure you have a right to lash out verbally as you have done. There are many why's and wherefores that people may not have elaborated on, so perhaps you need to take a step back and just be happy you are not a smacker and that you have a fab family unit.

I have taken a step back and count myself lucky that I have what I have.

I come from a family with bad tempers that lash outbefore talking or asking questions and it is one of the reasons why I am so anti-smacking - I will not be an abuser even if I have been brought up by one - I have broken the cycle and I hope maybe reading this others can do the same.

Actually Meeely2 IMHO I think you deserve a bloody medal to be honest. In the least patronising way possible it sounds like you faced a really tough situation and decided to do something positive to change it.

i'm not an abuser though twinkie - thats my point - I had a moment of weakness that I hope you never experience, but until you do, u have no right to judge. In an ideal world i guess the kids would have been taken away from me until I was FIXED - are you sure that wouldn't be more damaging? or should people be assessed before they have children in case they have the ability to smack and thus should be sterilised and the threat of smacking would never arise - breed out the smackers!

I do not have 'issues' with anger nor do I feel guilty. For me, smacking is just one tiny aspect of being a parent. I see other parents doing all sorts of things I think are a bit daft (e.g. worrying too much about what their kids eat or don't eat, tying themselves in knots about breast or bottle etc) but I don't think it is helpful to blow these things out of all proportion and to assume that these parents are terrible people or terrible parents.

Real life is messy, passionate, angry, loving and all the other things that make it interesting, getting along with the people that we love is a major cause of the mess. Getting along with people outside of our immediate families probably requires that we don't judge them too harshly for the messy bits that we get to witness!

thank you seaside, that means a lot

you guys really need to get reality check and get over yourselves!!! Smacking and abusing are totally different...i hope you are very pleased with yourselves for being so narrow minded on the possibility that maybe it does and can work for some without any degree of problems in later life...i do not have a bad temper...i have fabulous children and i was smacked and no lasting damage to me or to my mother, brother, 5 sisters, aunties, my nan, granddad all were smacked as children and far stricter than me, i won't smack unless i have to!!! Not everything in life is as cut and dry as you make it out to be!!! I am not narrow minded as i do consider that some children may be able to go through life without need for a smack....And fortunately it is not illegal!! So lets just say you get on with doing it your way and i will carry on doing it my way...my conscience is clear!!!

bitcat - we will not GET OVER OURSELVES, like you say, we will do it our way and you can do it yours - my posts were actually the diplomatic ones saying yes smacking CAN be emotionally scarring, but also in the same breath it might not be.

I was smacked and I am scarred - the minute I smacked I realised I was going down the same road as my mother, so i sought help. You were smacked, you are not scarred, you smack your kids and they are not scarred....so there you go, dare I say it, EACH TO THEIR OWN!

i seem to be stuck between the smackers and the non-smackers HELP, some one save me!

I can't post but Meely I think it's clear from the thread that most of us have far bigger problems with those who smack as a method of discipline than with lost who lose their temper.

I was told when I had DS that there is only one thing really nessecary to be and that is consistant.

If you are gunna be bad be consistantly bad. Atleast the kids know where they stand.

Sorry for being a cow Meely - I understand where you are coming from and see that you are getting help - hopefully you will break this cycle.

"children have faeces appearng in their mouths because they are fed appallingly"

Just read this - what on Earth? Surely this hasn't / couldn't happen?

Poppychick - I saw/heard about children vomiting faeces on those Jamie Oliver programmes about school dinners three years ago.

My God I watched that but don't remember it. Very shocked!

What things are wrong?

• Breaking the law for a start.

• In my view also any kind of physical violence including light smacks.
• Repeatedly doing things like telling a child it is stupid

- ignoring children to an extent that it becomes neglect

• telling them off for wetting the bed

There must be loads of things.

That can't be true about the faeces.

Says who? I mean, biolgically, I would have thought it was impossible.

NKF - google it, you'll see

We all have ideas on what constitutes right or wrong parenting, but surely there will be no absolute consensus.

We might all believe that abusing a child is wrong but perceive abuse to be different things.

Many have expressed that smacking is wrong and violent, however I make a choice to smack my child on certain occasions, i.e. if he has done something dangerous.

Mine and my partner?s parents smacked us when we were children, and we feel we have benefited from this. I believe that setting boundaries and facing considerable consequences if boundaries are broken are essential when growing up.

Jesus.