I really regret having my daughter

[ashymo]

every day I wake up and just wish it was a bad dream I could wake up from . I hate the responsibility and how I feel like it's just me who's responsible for her. I take her into work with me in my salon and she is usually OK but I do find it hard sometimes when im trying to work and she's kicking off . she is a fairly good baby and I do love her but I can't help feeling like if I had the chance to go back in time and not have her I definitely would . I hate my husband too and just want to leave them both and just live my life . I feel miserable all the time like what is the point in all this its absolute s**t I had it good before having her and loved my freedom and now I've gone and completely ruined my life. everything in my brain is just telling me to run far far away from both of them .

I totally hear you.

Similar position to you, my husband wanted a baby more than me. I wasn't that bothered. Hated being pregnant. Horrible birth and my baby has been difficult from the start. Sleep was probably the worst for us. It's only started getting better in the last few months (he's 14 months now)

I do hate the fact my life is totally different. I loved my routine before especially going to the gym after work and I did a lot of training for running/triathlon. I had a c section and took a long time to even walk far let alone run.

I begged so many people for help about 5 months in. All I got told was I need medication. I tried talking therapy, CBT, private health care, other volunteering people (that never showed up anyway) sleep consultant. No one really helped me.

About 11 months I saw the nursery nurse and she was probably the most helpful to me. I did start medication about a month after seeing her but not sure it's made loads of difference.

I felt the same about thinking the baby was cute but nothing much deeper. I do think that relationship has changed over time now he's walking and got a personality. He's very high needs though and I don't have much of a break. I quit my job as it just was the only way we could do it. I got a running buggy so I could get out and train again and I don't think I cart as much crap around now.

I don't have much advice other than I do relate and it's so bloody hard. I resented my husband too but I definitely think that goes up and down over time. It's hard to strike the right balance and takes a lot of time. It's still so early days for you. I think you are amazing to be working. I was a zombie (still am I guess!!)

I hope you get more help than I did, I felt pretty let down. Talking to my family and friends was probably the most beneficial so they knew what I was feeling like.

Your husband needs to learn to look after his daughter & clean up his own shit!

That's got to be easier than you taking her to work!

Sweetheart, it will get better. Seek help ❤️

I am so sorry, op, and feel your pain. I don't think at seven weeks post partum it is unusual to feel as you do, you must be worn out. All I can say is that feeling will not last, honestly.

If you really have to work, try to stagger your clients and buy your lunch before going to the salon, stick it in the fridge.

I've only read page one of this thread so far but will peruse all your posts; sorry if I have said what has already been said.

It made me laugh when someone suggested you speak to your health visitor. I can only suppose they are a better breed in Australia than here in the UK!

You must look after yourself. Good luck.

You say it’ll get worse but as children get more independent it can get easier as they do more for themselves.

I hope you get help and things improve 💐

Why does society still think it's OK to pressure women into having babies they don't want? Arghhhhhh!

I am sorry you have ended up in this situation. You have had a baby you didn't want with a man who is not pulling his weight. This was never going to end like a fairytale.

There are a few things you can do. The first is to insist your DH pulls his weight. As others have said, it's not a matter of "helping" or "babysitting", it's a matter of caring for his own child. You also need to take care of yourself, give yourself a break. Your body and mind are recovering from a huge trauma, this will take time. I would also reach out to the professionals, despite your fears. They will have seen this situation before and will know where to point you for help.

I really feel for you OP. I never wanted kids and your situation is a perfect example of why people shouldn't be pressured/bullied/coerced into having them. I could so easily have been you.

Take a breath OP. I think you have PND. It's ok, we can help with PND.

I will point out, when you're in this neck deep, you won't see what you're doing, but the fact that your husband hasn't intervened in the impossibly bad idea of you taking your baby to work at 7 weeks full time till 8:30pm is more telling on how bad both a husband and a parent he is!

What you're doing is unsustainable. It pains me that you're actually doing this, pains me because I just wonder how awful it must truly be for you to have taken this step.

Take a breather. And let's get a plan of action together.

Firstly, speak to your doctor and health visitor. Tell them no, you dont want to harm yourself but you're struggling with the lack of support and bonding with your baby. You're spinning plates and no fucker is helping you here.
Secondly, look into childcare options again. Maybe not full time, part time. Tell your husband he can pay to start, its the least he can offer for being so useless! In the time your dd is under someone else's care, don't necessarily go to work, just realign yourself a little. Rest. Eat. Exercise. Just relax your body and mind. Don't rush head first into work. I know it keeps you sane, but it's also risking you just papering over potential mental health issues. Just take it a step at a time. Even if you only do this for a week or so. Just take a break. 4 hours a day maybe. It might be enough to make you look forward to picking your dd up and have cuddles.
Thirdly. You draw up a much better plan between you and your DH. Him leaving a mess is unacceptable. He needs to step up as a father and look after his dd if you're still at work when he's not, and he needs to step up as a husband and make sure he cleaning up for the sake of his wife's mental health.

I cannot stress how important it is you speak to someone about this. You must remember, at only 7 weeks your hormones are still all over the show. It's no wonder you feel this way. I felt suicidal after having my DD. I regret not talking at the time. It was horrible. But im glad I sought help even if it was months and months down the line. The relationship I have with my DD now is brilliant and my god I love that girl like no other. She's 4 and i can't believe how far we have come. And my 'D'h has been an exdh for 3 years now.

You've got this!

if none of this is possible, you need to go back to Australia to your family.

I also thought this. If your partner is more of a hindrance than a help and your family are in Australia.... and could work in Australia... that's what i would be doing.

Would op not need his signed permission to take the baby back to Australia?

Giving the information she's gave us about him. I doubt he would agree to that. I do agree Australia with her family and friends would be better for her and baby.

@DutchessOfMuck I hadn't thought of that. Definitely worth looking into.

OP my heart goes out to you both. it's hard and early days, I promise you it gets better. Please be kind to yourself and baby. She needs love. Seek help, sounds like PND. Get mental health help and help from your husband. You might be able to claim SMP, UC and child benefits to cover you for sometime while you care for your baby. Hang in there, it gets better.

thanks everyone . I've had a nap and woken up feeling a bit better . had a screaming match with him before he went to work this morning and he's agreed its too much stress on me having her all the time and has said we can do 2 days with a childminder to start with and then he will have her Saturday and work something out with our jobs cause we are both self employed . it would be a cold day in hell before I give up working it keeps me sane . I took 3 weeks off when I had her and I was loosing the will to live by the end of it and I think a cleaner once a week will help too . thanks everyone for your help its nice to know im not alone in feeling like this xxx

So glad to hear you have reached a compromise, please keep us updated. The newborn stage can be difficult...It's so much fun when they start smiling and giggling at you.

Hang on in there Xx

Keep voicing what needs to be done op. BEcause this isn’t about me me me it’s about the baby,and therefore is you because your the only one doing the work.but ultimately it’s about the baby and it’s welfare.
mand you need to be honest.telling him whether he agrees or finds it possible you are on your last edge and feel like your going to break.he doesn’t need to think that “kind” of thing is right but it’s the reality of where you both are and he needs to step up or he will end up with a broken partner.
I think if you have a little breathing space you will be able to think straight too.right now your head is just full to over flow.
also on weekend or days off try and organise you doing things as a three.even a walk to the park or post box. A teddy bears picnic in the garden.start being family

Sorry op but taking your child into your work and getting annoyed that she’s acting up in between clients blows my mind a bit…. In the kindest way possible, what else would you expect?

I can’t believe your husband is so awfu that he doesn’t collect his child and care for her at home when he finishes at 4. He’d rather baby in the workplace? And have hours to himself? And then whines about cost of childcare? How can this be real?

if it is real, you (both) pay for childcare if you are (both) working. You look after baby if you are not working - this includes your husband from4 every evening. That’s parenthood

Sorry it came to a screaming match but good to hear your update OP and there is some relief.

I still don’t feel he is doing enough though, especially given how hard he was pushing to have a baby and how you are feeling (not to mention your recovery, which is one year after delivery if this wasn’t complicated by other factors. His body hasn’t gone through pregnancy and birth).

Even though he is making a mess when he collects DD, you need to ‘insist and resist’ tidying up after him when you get home and have him collect her everyday. As PP have mentioned, this needs to be a given. Push through the mess OP, he’s only collected her a couple of times so needs time to establish a new evening routine with DD (which includes tidying up after himself).

Do get a referral for counselling support. They are not there to judge you and can help you work through your feelings and provide a structure for emotional support, which is also needed. I don’t expect you will have the same experience you did when pregnant, what you are describing is very common after birth (and it can happen during pregnancy but there is less awareness of it).

In the medium term you will need to find a way to increase childcare to full time or at least manage her the rest of the time between you at home. Did you look into what paternity pay he might be entitled to? Up to 90% of salary? Is that something he would consider? I posted a link above.

This probably goes without saying, but sort out ‘belt and braces’ contraception (him and you) as soon as possible (if you haven’t already) as 2 DC will be impossible. Don’t ever let him talk you in to any more. I don’t think you would, but surprising how many ‘regret their DC’ but had more than 1 (unless multiples). No, it WOULD’NT ‘be nice to have a brother or sister’. You don’t know what complex issues a sibling might have and many fight through childhood and later NC.

Seems you are entitled to paid mat leave when self employed but he isn’t (he would have to be an employee).
Paying for childcare this may be helpful
www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Even with you getting help for 3 days a week will it change much? If it's PND then hopefully you can get help but if you just don't want a baby what can you do about that?

I'm really glad that you've managed to talk to him and get the start of something sorted. I do think that all that you were doing before was unsustainable (I would have been beyond exhausted!). I marvel at how you managed it for the past month, let alone having all the postpartum recovery to deal with too. No wonder you were at breaking point.

Your husband really needs to step up, and realise that he needs to get on and put the effort in too. A cleaner sounds like a good idea, but he also needs to get on and do stuff around the house too (not leave it all for you...or do that ridiculous thing that some men do and think that there's some magic cleaning/housework/parenting fairy that will do All The Things in the house). He needs to get on and shoulder the mental load that you've been doing by yourself too. If you can get on to your GP and see if they can get you some support or check you over too, that might be an idea. Don't be afraid to ask for help or delegate things: it doesn't mean that you're rubbish etc. You must look after yourself, that's so important. Wishing you all the best x

Glad you talked things out but what about the other days you're working? She really needs to be in childcare the whole time she's not with her dad or if you're at the salon.

You need to adress the issue of you not bonding with your daughter hun , there is something amiss and you need help