I really regret having my daughter

[ashymo]

every day I wake up and just wish it was a bad dream I could wake up from . I hate the responsibility and how I feel like it's just me who's responsible for her. I take her into work with me in my salon and she is usually OK but I do find it hard sometimes when im trying to work and she's kicking off . she is a fairly good baby and I do love her but I can't help feeling like if I had the chance to go back in time and not have her I definitely would . I hate my husband too and just want to leave them both and just live my life . I feel miserable all the time like what is the point in all this its absolute s**t I had it good before having her and loved my freedom and now I've gone and completely ruined my life. everything in my brain is just telling me to run far far away from both of them .

@DutchessOfMuck that was more first thought too, OP you will lose your clients. Looking after a baby and trying to work, client facing is never going to work, soon baby will be teething etc. would you seriously go to a beauty salon to get a treatment and be happy with the beautician keep going off to settle a crying baby? Of course you wouldn’t.

most mums don’t rtw for many months, to allow time to get over the birth, and learn how to care for their baby.

unless you are in financial dire straits, I would suggest, taking some time out of the business, to allow you to sort out childcare.

it’s far too much pressure for anyone.

good luck OP

Is the business your own OP? If not then please consider taking a break. If the business is your own then you need to figure out how you can take a break, even just a month or two. What’s happening at the moment is that you’re trying to continue life as if you haven’t just had a baby. Whether you wanted a baby or not there is one here now and you need to accept this. I know how hard it is, when my DC1 born I remember thinking I’d ruined my life. It took a good 3 months before I started properly bonding with them and accepting my “new” life. I also needed to be more honest with DH about what I needed from him too.

Id say the first thing you absolutely must do is take a break from work. Then speak to someone, you can self refer for mental health services (I have done this before, it is not difficult and they treat you with lots of kindness). I know hard hard it must be not having family in this country, are you close to your parents? If so could you talk to them about how you are feeling? Sometimes we just need to let it all out to someone who loves us.

Please talk to mental health or at the very least talk to your husband honestly.

Maternity leave isn't just for the baby. Mums need it too to get their energy back, have the hormones settle etc.

You are trying to do too much and it's stressful and depleting your energy. No wonder you feel really shit.

You said in one of your posts you feel like you are having a breakdown. You will do if you keep demandong too much for yourself.

Please ddon't see people as criticising you they are really concerned for you. I don't think I've begged aposter on this site before but i am begging you to get help. This chaos and feeling is temporary,it doesn't have to be like this. Please look after yourself.

There’s no way I could have done what you are doing, DD had colic/reflux and was screaming! Customers would have run out the salon!

I think it’s too much for you to be doing, I would find a childcare place. Your DH isn’t helping and if he’s in work how much can he help during the day.

It may be pnd, it may not, perhaps you will regret this life choice- I would speak to a G.P to rule anything out and for peace of mind. Babies don’t do much, once she gets older you will likely (I hope) form a bond. It’s normal to feel like you’ve lost your life and want to kill your husband- to a degree! Having a child is life changing!

Good luck.

@ashymo is there anyway any family could come over for a while from Australia and help?

I don’t think you have a baby problem or an issue with your bond, I think you have a DH problem. He has failed to step up in any true form really and you’re bearing the brunt of it.

What about going home for a while with her?

Main things that stand out to me
-until you sort proper child care why isnt your husband picking up the baby at 4 and taking care of her until you get back?
-you're still in the sleepy baby phase. In a few weeks she will be much more awake and will require constant attention. You NEED childcare. Its impossible.
-you sound exhausted, you must ne exhausted!! You need more support from your husband.
-what you are describing does sound like postnatal depression. Go to your GP. You will be seen urgently and you will get offered councelling and support, take it. It does get better.

This is a huge adjustment. It sounds like maybe the planning side of childcare wasnt really thought through. Get that sorted and see a GP and things will look a lot brighter soon.

I can empathise with how you feel. For me with a 7 week baby, exhaustion is just hitting peak and any novelty and adrenaline has completely worn off. Little babies are sooo boring and I craved a return to my old normal!
I remember feeling like I'd stepped onto a roller coaster that I then couldn't get off and was taking me places i really didn't want to go.

However you and DH made a decision to make a family so you now have to figure out how that family is going to function. You can't both bury yourself back in work forever.
Maybe formulate plans with DH for the next 3 months / 3-12 months/ 12-36 months that take you up to when you get free some child care? It is not uncommon to have not yet figured out who was going to drop hours at work and take parental responsibility. If you don't want this to be 100% on you then you have to start communicating this with DH now. Calmly (not in a complete rage - it isn't all his fault that you now have a baby)! Then you both have to keep communicating as you go along.

You are both going to have to make big changes and it is scary, but on a positive note you are starting a great big new adventure and although they may not be apparent now there will be massive highs and rewards to come (alongside the nappies, laundry, sleep deprivation and a lot of annoying plastic toys). Good luck.

I’d probably break everything down into small pieces:

Do you actually want/care about your baby on any level? The fact you thought details as far down as air purifiers at work signals you probably do.

Are you angry/resentful at your husband?
Ding, ding, ding, from sounds of it you feel (probably 100% reasonably) that he’s not stepping up and despite what was assumed previously everything baby relayed is now all being left to you.

Do you want to take off and live your previous life baby free? Possibly. When you think of taking off and leaving her forever do you feel relieved or anxious? Is that dependant on who is looking after her? In this fantasy is it your husband looking after her or doesn’t it matter so long as you’re free?

No judgment. If you genuinely wake up every day feeling resentful and hating your baby for taking your life away that’s one thing but if you just feel exhausted and want someone (not you) to step in now to help you out to try and get you through this shit part that’s another.

Please reach out to PNF support services even just to get some tips for now. It can’t hurt but it could really help. Best of luck

You poor woman.

Of course you need some support.

You were pressurised into having a baby by a waster.

He sounds useless.

Unfortunately you need to help yourself as he isn't going to.

Reach out for support from your GP.

There is no shame in realising that you need help.

Perhaps this isn't for you.
It isn't for everyone.

But with support you can come to a real decision.

Would you like to return to Australia with your baby?

If so, talk to your family.
Bringing the baby to work is really not sustainable and your useless husband telling you that you have to run a business with a baby and without childcare, is controlling and abusive.

Your baby needs proper childcare.

Of course you are stressed out of your mind doing both, and that waster not even taking the baby when he finishes work.

Of course you are stressed.

Stop thinking as a couple and start thinking about yourself and your baby and what is best for you both.

It is ok to not want this.
But talk to your GP and get support so that whatever decisions you make are borne from what you really want and not desperation.

I feel so sorry for you.

My sister's partner solved this issue by leaving the home, getting a new partner and seeing his kids every other weekend. He now has it all. A great career, kids every other weekend and to take on posh holidays, a new partner with no kids, plenty of kid free time, big house. I guess it's easier for men!

You need childcare whilst you are at work. You need a break as well. A babysitter at home for a few hours so that you can sleep and rest. The dad needs to step up to the task of being a dad and share the care with you. For the mess at home divide up the tasks and take turns to clean and sort out whilst the other looks after the baby. Make up a rota and timetable to keep on top of cleaning. Talk to health care professionals.

OP it's not your baby you have an issue with, it's your husband.

You are then targeting the resentment at your daughter as she is the new factor but it's the fact you are by the sounds of it taking on the brunt of the responsibility.

It drives me mad we STILL live in a society where both parents have to work but the mother is still seen as the predominant care giver. It's no wonder you feel like you're having a mental break down. You are trying to do too much and it probably feels like you're getting nothing back in return. Your daughter will not be this helpless little baby who does nothing for much longer. They start developing personalities, you start getting stuff back for your efforts.

You will eventually start feeling like yourself again - I do not jump to medication always but have you considered anti-depressants? I started them last year and they have changed my life - that hopeless claustrophobic feeling went away.

@AllOfThemWitches very nasty post btw.

You need to talk to your husband and he has to take the baby from when he finishes work and help you to clear up later. Caring for child does make mess, that's part of it, but you can both tidy up. You have to let him make this mess and do the childcare.

You need to talk to the mental health team. I don't think you're at risk of hurting your baby but I do think you're at risk of abusing your husband. What ever the circumstances he doesn't deserve that.

You cannot continue to work with baby in the salon. Soon customers will be complaining and not coming to you. My hairdresser has her kids in the salon sometimes but they are older now and are usually cleaning or helping in some way.

I feel for you. At 7 weeks your hormones are still all over the place. You need help.

OP "I didn't want to have a child at all really but felt like it was expected of me"

I know a couple of women in similar situations and now the father is the primary carer, but one of them had to leave for six months in order to make him understand that it was a choice between him as main carer or him as only carer.

Oh and you are definitely not alone
last time I had a haircut, I offered to settle the lady's wailing baby. I think baby just wanted attention as she was quite happy when i started chatting to her and rocking the pram. Not a posh salon though.

You don't need childcare you need to stay home for a while and bond with your very tiny baby. You should be taking your maternity leave (you claim it back off the state) and taking time to properly recover mentally and physically not fucking about working. When you fall in love with your baby the sacrifices are worth it. At the minute you are avoiding intimacy with her and that's making everything harder. She will also suffer from this if you don't resolve it soon

Your husband sounds like an arse. I am really sorry for you.

Okay, so breaking it down it’s £800 for childcare do you earn £800 ?
if the answer is yes the £800 is your money to do with as you see fit, and you see fit to pay for a Childminder.

hubby needs to go and pick her up from the Childminder’s when he’s finished work and spend quality time with his child.

if none of this is possible, you need to go back to Australia to your family.

If it helps at all, I didn’t particularly bond with my second child until she was 12 months old when I had three days away from her and I came home and just felt this overwhelming rush of love for her. This was really unusual because I already had a child that I loved and would stand in front of a train for so to not get the same emotions towards the second really freaked me out, but we got there in the end.

Why's that? OPhas literally said she doesn't want her child. Stop being offended on behalf of other people.

Instead, let's diagnose strangers with PND over the internet 🙄 as pp says, some people just regret having children.

Not true, iapt services prioritise parents with babies under 1.

^^This

Do speak to someone about how you're feeling though.

I too thought “Why post fiction” but so many emotive posts have been pulled
Attention, getting people posting answers sharing their experiences in good faith- Round midnight UK time is a classic time for them, as can’t be pulled til day shift gets in.
But one gets a feel for “ This doesn’t seem very likely “.

Even if this is true its not a mental health nurse she needs. It's actual maternity leave, recovery from birth and support from her DH.

@AllOfThemWitches Not interested in a slanging match with you on someones thread who is clearly having a really hard time. Not offended either. Nor have I diagnosed PND. Failing to see what you have said to help the situation.

OP states her baby is well cared for - sounds like OP is failing to meet her own needs rather than her daughters. You're crazy if you think the baby would be better off in the care system.