I really regret having my daughter

[ashymo]

every day I wake up and just wish it was a bad dream I could wake up from . I hate the responsibility and how I feel like it's just me who's responsible for her. I take her into work with me in my salon and she is usually OK but I do find it hard sometimes when im trying to work and she's kicking off . she is a fairly good baby and I do love her but I can't help feeling like if I had the chance to go back in time and not have her I definitely would . I hate my husband too and just want to leave them both and just live my life . I feel miserable all the time like what is the point in all this its absolute s**t I had it good before having her and loved my freedom and now I've gone and completely ruined my life. everything in my brain is just telling me to run far far away from both of them .

Firstly, and most importantly, you need to seek help from your gp/health visitor. Despite what other people might say, it is NOT normal to feel like this. You need help.

Secondly, the childcare situation. You CANNOT work and look after a newborn at the same time. That's not fair on your tiny baby who needs their mum 100% of the time. It's not fair to put unecessary stress on you and it's not fair on your clients who are paying you to focus on them.
However, most childcare providers won't take a baby until they are at least 3 months old (and for good reason). So you either need to reconsider your return to work at this point or find appropriate childcare, even if that's just your husband looking after baby for a couple hours a day whilst you see 1 client.
Yes, childcare is expensive and yes, taking maternity leave is costly too, but that's something you have to consider when you decide to try for a baby. And £800 per month isn't that expensive when compared to the rest of the country.

Please get help asap.

This is insane. I can't even make a quick lunch whilst looking after my high needs baby, I have to wait until he's asleep (for a short 30min nap) before I can even eat something.

You can't work and look after your baby.
Yes you love your job and I loved mine. But you've a baby now. Baby is 7 weeks; they need you.

Please change your priorities right now and focus on your child. It's hard and feels shit (I've felt resentment) but you have responsibility right now to a tiny human who didn't ask to be created and needs your love and attention.

It won't be forever but this is your job right now.

Can your DP/DH watch her from 4 and you go to work from 4-8.30 therefore getting a break , if not he needs to cough up for a child minder.

I do think you need childcare too it’s not fair on you, your baby or your customers to take the baby in to work. Plus their awake windows and ability to nap decrease soon so you will need options for someone to care and 8.30 is very late for a child to be going to bed

Lucky you. I had severe PND and I can tell you right now, I thought the devil was inside me with some of the thoughts I was having.

It sounds very much like PND. It will pass eventually, I promise you, and you will see your baby in a different light. Massive hug from me too.
You DO need some help with childcare, sometimes it's better to lose money, but retain your sanity. I'd totally pay those £800, it can potentially save your family, just try doing it for one month and see what a difference it makes. It WILL get better.

I think you can absolutely regret having your child right now and not regret it forever. I regretted it for several weeks after my daughter was born, and spent several nights lying awake, imagining disappearing to another country. Like you I am not from the UK. It was probably a good 4-6 months before I felt like I didn't regret having her but that I wouldn't do it again, then maybe a year or so before I felt like, yeah, I would do it again. But a big part of that is balance in my life, I DO go off to work every day and not have to think about home at all, I do get a lot of free time to do my hobbies because DH is a proper parent and we have full time childcare.

I did have PND and it does seem likely that you do too. I had talking therapy and was able to self refer, you should be prioritized as a new parent. If you can find some childcare so you can focus on work and have some time to focus on something you enjoy, that will help you adjust too. It won't happen overnight, but it most likely will happen.

If you went back at 3 weeks op I don’t see how you have each other a chance.for you to breathe or to bond.it just got hard too quick.and as that tiredness grew instantly how can you not grow resentment not love.

Self referral in current shocking conditions ,on average is 18 months at the earliest

It was not that long ago that I was able to self refer, I suspect it varies a lot by area. My DC was also less than a month old and I wanted to give her up for adoption, I was told I was prioritised because I had such a young baby.

Speak to your doctor/midewife you can not carry on like this it sounds really hard. Also re child care are you entitled to any help as uc will pay up to 75%.

To start with her Dad can come pick her up when he finishes work each day and look after her till you're done. It's really unreasonable that you're working and minding her while he's sat at home doing nothing. It's not going to fix things, but it could give some breathing room. Some people absolutely regret having kids, but 7 weeks in is way too early to call it, especially with a partner that if not actually useless, is certainly being it right now. You've taken on too much for anyone, it's not surprising you're struggling to cope. Get some childcare or work part time, coordinating so when your DP is home he has the baby and you work and vice versa.

You went back to work when she was 3 weeks old and have taken her with you? No childcare? Therein lies the path to madness - honestly that is not a sustainable situation & will be a large part of why you feel the way you do. You need some form of childcare urgently.

Your DH needs to step up and help you, or you will end up having a breakdown as this is not sustainable, particularly taking baby to the salon.

You do realize that that is actually a very common feeling with postpartum depression right? I wanted to run away when I gave birth. Now I love my daughter to pieces and cry when I even just think of leaving her. My therapist (who socializes in postpartum health) also confirmed almost all of her patients describe this feeling some way or another. So it looks like you're actually the exception not the rule.

I agree I missed the part where your mentioned you were taking her to work with you. This is not a sustainable path. You need to do something else. I can't imagine your customers are happy either. Your baby I imagine must actually be very well behaved because mine would cry if she was even just put down in her bassinet at that age.

If this post is real, please speak to your HV and doctor

You are actually neglecting your young baby needs. You cannot possibly work full time and care for a 7 week old baby.

When she is 12 weeks old, you can put her into childcare. I understand you have mental health issues but its not fair on your baby and you have a responsibility to meet her needs.

Childcare is expensive, didn’t your husband consider that when he wanted a baby? It might be ok when a baby is under 6 months old but you can’t have a toddling baby in a salon. Why can’t your husband come and collect baby on his way home, sounds like you’d get at least 3-4hrs more done then without the baby. He needs to step up, have an honest conversation with him. Babies are incredibly hard work and it can hit you hard. Most mothers are still at home getting in a routine when you went back to work so no wonder you’re feeling it.

I had PND and genuinely thought I did hate my baby. I did the basics and looked after him but I didnt want to. I really didnt like him. At all.

Lucky you your PND was mild then. Mine told me to kill my baby several times. Repeatedly. Mine gave me images of drowning him in the bath because I just couldnt cope with his crying any longer.

He's 5 now and the happiest most confident loving little boy I've ever met and I tell him every single day how much I love him and how happy I am that hes here. It hurts my heart so much that I ever felt that way about him.

PND is a terrible terrible thing and DOES make you believe you hate your baby. Dont be so quick to judge if you havnt been in that situation yourself

OP this sounds an awful situation and so overwhelming for you. I love my 3 kids dearly and enjoy being a mum most of the time but there is no way I would take them to work with me. It’s not fair or sustainable on you and nor is is healthy for your DD long term development. She can’t sit in a salon while you work as a one year old as she will not get the social, emotional or physical development she needs. Your dh needs to sort himself out. If he wants to not pay for childcare for the child he helped create the tell him he changes his hours and cares for her. You are a working mum her care cannot fall totally on you. If he is home at 4 or 5 pm why is he not getting her on the way home and taking over? I went back to work when dc3 was 8 weeks old as financially I had to but dh took care of the kids as he doesn’t work that day. I feel so sorry for you. I can’t imagine how exhausting and overwhelming it is to be back at work, caring for a newborn and having your husband refuse to basically support you in anyway.

You cannot work and meet her needs.
You aren't bonding with her at all right now. Fair enough not wanting to sit at home for months that's your choice, but back to work after 3 weeks and wondering why you hate it, everyone would hate that. No way I would have been happy juggling work and a newborn baby at the same time.
I feel like you may have PND. A friend had this, rushed back to work, said she wasn't changing her life for the baby, wished she didn't have him, now 9 months on regrets that she will never get that time back. I'm not saying it's the same for you but please consider this.
I have wanted to murder my DH many times because his life hasn't changed as much as mine, nor has his body or his time to make himself presentable each day. I've cried my eyes out feeling like I had no free time, no time to wash my hair or make a tiny bit of effort, not going out at weekends. Literally just not being able to do adult stuff for so long, whilst he got meals out after work, work drinks, gym and football. But we have worked through if and I love my children more than I loved doing that stuff (most of the time I feel that way anyway!).
Please speak to a professional x

Also, if he doesn't want to pay for childcare, can he not go part time or change his work hours? That's the only other option here, and it would mean your baby gets the physical and emotional attention she needs. As other said, once you hit the 6 months mark there is no way she is going to be able to come and sit at work with you.

If this is true, you do sound depressed, which isn't your fault, but nonetheless your daughter is a human person now. She needs interaction and engagement. You need childcare. You'll probably feel very different towards her when you're a bit less tired.

It could well be PND but you can’t work with your child there. It is currently the easiest if will ever be- it will be impossible to work with an older baby/toddler and also hugely unfair on them. Can you structure your working hours around DH if you are self employed- perhaps DC could be in childcare doing half days to minimise costs and you could work from lunch into the evening and a weekend day?
You need to tell DH it’s not working and you need childcare. And tbh you should both have planned for this.

These feelings are not unusual but you’ve set yourself up to fail by going back to work so soon and trying to make her fit into your routine. You can get away with it in the newborn stage but not for much longer. Your husband needs to be collecting his daughter from you at work if you must do it that way.

Plus you both need to think about how your jobs will work around her, not the other way around. I feel sorry for her.