13 year old daughter is out of control - Please help me.

[NewEnglandDeli]

Hi,

This may be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed, but I would really appreciate you sticking with this and offering any advice as i’m so lost. I feel like such a failure and I don’t know what on Earth to do. She is ruining my life.

This child comes from a stable, loving home. I kid you not when I tell you she is showered with love. She is told, and shown, often how loved she is. She also wants for nothing, as we are incredibly lucky to have financial stability - Maybe this is the problem. She has too much. I’ll caveat this with saying we are starting to feel the pinch like many, we are both self employed and things haven’t been marvellous this year. We are facing the new year with some worry and trepidation like so many others, but our daughter doesn’t know this. She still has everything she could want or need & it’s always drummed in to her how fortunate she is.

My house is an open home. Her friends are always here, i’m always hosting parties and organising days out with her friends and their parents (We are all good friends as we met when our girls were 2 and they all went through school together) She has a good social life, loves school, is a really popular kid and she also goes to martial arts classes 2 times per week where she’s met some new friends and is excelling. She is brilliant at martial arts and I was hoping it would instil respect and discipline- It hasn’t. She’s going worse as time goes on.

We have a younger son who idolises his big sister. He’s only 4 and she does get jealous of him sometimes but they are very close. It breaks my heart to watch how scared he looks when she kicks off. I also can’t stomach watching him observing her when she swears and speaks to us like shit. This innocent little boy will think it’s ok to talk to his parents this way if this carries on. I cannot allow this.

In Primary school she was a model pupil. Literally the perfect child. She shone academically, was incredibly polite, enthusiastic and in Y6 became Head Girl of the school. I couldn’t have wished
for more. Since starting Secondary school she has slowly changed. She’s in Y8 and each passing week she gets worse. Luckily, her school work isn’t suffering and she treats her teachers with the respect that they deserve but I mean at home, she is becoming unrecognisable.

We expected the usual teen strops, eye rolling, not wanting to “hang around” with us anymore, and it did start off like that, but now she’s become aggressive- slamming doors, threatening violence, swearing, totally overreacting at the slightest request such as tidying her absolute pig sty of a room.

She is permanently on her phone. Laughing, joking on Facetime, scrolling Tick Tock and Snapchat. I took her away in the October half term, just she and I. Her brother and dad stayed home. Her phone remained her constant companion and in the end I had a go at her about putting her bloody phone down and enjoying some quality time with her mother. I’d have killed for that at her age. I came from an unstable home due to a dad that a womaniser and a
criminal and a mum that wasn’t around for
me as much as she should have been (Although she and I are fine now and she openly
admits her past faults) I always swore my kids would feel loved and secure and so “one on one” time is very important to me. I occasionally take her to the theatre, for dinner etc. She never particularly wants to be there but I do it anyway so she knows that I want to spend time with her and that she is so important to me. In a nutshell she certainly does get time and attention.

I’d be here all night if I gave all of the examples of her behaviour but i’ll share 3 incidents this week -

Bonfire night we were at the local pub for dinner before the fireworks display. We were with friends and their daughters who are friends with my 2 children. My husband asked our daughter what she wanted for her dinner and she replied with “Nothing, it’s vile in here”…. 10 minutes later we had all ordered and she looked like she regretted her decision, so he asked her again. Her response this time was a very loud “I said nothing. Shut your face before I smash it in”

To say that I was disgusted, embarrassed and heartbroken was an understatement. The whole pub looked at her. Her dad looked like he wanted to cry, and whilst I love him very much he is a bit useless at all of this. He’s never been the disciplinarian, he is anything for a quiet life. He will rarely talk about her behaviour to her. He will either brush it under the carpet and leave me to try and deal with it, or he’ll say to me that he can’t do this anymore, he can’t live with her whilst she is like this and he feels like he doesn’t want to be in our home.

Second example this week was Friday night. She came home from school with a Monster energy drink (She had it hidden) She knows quite well these aren’t allowed, it’s non negotiable. I found it, asked where it had come from and she said her friend gave it to her. I’m friends with this kid’s
mum and dad and so said i’d call them about it as I know for a fact their child isn’t allowed these drinks. She exploded. Called me and her dad the world’s worst parents, said she hates us, we are “Fucking rats and fucking grasses and she hopes we die” She began screaming and crying like a lunatic. Her little brother’s face :( He was so scared. I can’t continue to let him witness this.

After these 2 incidents I took her phone away: She did appear sorry and more pleasant and so it was reinstated. I’m no angel. I will shout and berate her for her behaviour, I don’t let it go. I lose my shit over it and when I’m calm I talk and try and reason and understand but she cannot answer why she behaves this way. She says she doesn’t know and that she doesn’t think it’s “that bad”

The last example was tonight. Laughing and joking all night on the phone with her friends. I popped my head in to say Goodnight and she said “Where’s my food?” In that awful, disrespectful manner that she so often uses. I asked her to explain what she meant as she had her dinner when she came from school. Her reply “That didn’t fill me up. I thought you were making soup” When I explained i’d made the soup but didn’t think she’d like it, she started screaming that she’s neglected, and that she’ll go and make a “fucking sandwich” She flounced out of her room and then she punched me in the arm with hatred in her face.

I squared up to her, I honestly wanted to slap her face. I have had ENOUGH. All I could think is how fucking DARE SHE!!! It’s getting out of control. Hitting me! Who the hell does she thinks she is. Seriously, she wants for nothing, loved and cared for. Why on earth is she doing this to me? I said to her “You have gone too fucking far now, how dare you”

She laughed in my face and called me a
dickhead. I absolutely lost it, I wooled her by her head to her bedroom, I went nuclear. I took her phone, remote control, everything of value to her. I told her what a disappointment she’d become and that she was a devastatingly bad example to her impressionable little brother. I then started sobbing, begging her to explain why she behaves this way. She couldn’t answer. I told her I hated who she had become because it’s the truth. I cannot stand her anymore. She was warned that this is it. She’s fucked up monumentally. The phone has gone, she is grounded for the foreseeable future, she is confined to her bedroom.

I’m not proud of my actions tonight but I’ve put up with this for so long. My heart is shattered. She’s vile, it’s as simple as that.

I have no idea where i’ve gone so wrong. We’ve always had boundaries, she’d always respected them until this last year. She was a wonderful kid and I was so proud of her but now she is truly unpleasant and i’m left feeling like the world’s
biggest failure as a parent.

Please can anyone offer advice. How the hell do I deal with this? What can I do? Why on Earth has she become so awful?

My only thought is to speak to her martial arts teacher and ask him for help. I literally don’t know what else to do?

I forgot to add that something bad may be happening in her life.

I know she seems to be pretty extreme but none of this is outside of teenage behaviour. Some do seem to be more trouble than others!

Consistent boundaries and responsibilities are my advice. But also treating her more like an adult is also important with privileges.

You mentioned she ate when she came in from school and not offered the adult meal - eating as a family even if that means 7pm is so important for communicating effectively, even if you can only manage it 3-4 times a week.

Something bad is happening, she’s got a controlling, abusive mother who sees fit to drag her through the house by her hair, scream at her, then cry and make it all DDs fault.

AndEverWhoKnew · Today 07:01
OP, this post by AndEver is brilliant imo.

Hi Op

I'm so sorry, it sounds really tough.

I was your daughter. Honestly, I ballooned with rage and contempt throughout my teenage years. Looking back, it was absolutely hormones and not knowing how to handle my feelings and this then perpetuated a horrible cycle of self-loathing. I always lashed out at my mum - probably because I knew I could push her buttons. But when i did, when she cried, it was the most awful feeling in the world. Not a feeling that motivates, but a feeling that brings so much guilt and shame.

I wish my parents had 'held me more' in those moments. Clear, firm boundaries and expectations.

But harder said than done - I have a DC very much like me and I'm preparing myself for the long road ahead.

On the bright side - I'm a very respectful, compassionate adult. I still have a temper and don't fear confrontation but I've harnessed it usefully. And I absolutely, completely adore my mum!

@Subbaxeo I didn’t lose control over the energy drink. That was all very calm on my part. DD lost control. She isn’t allowed them, she is 13, it’s a rule we have and she knows why. It was mentioned up thread that her cousin, who is the same age as her was rushed to hospital last year after one bloody can. It’s not something i’m
comfortable with. She then lied about where it came from and started going ballistic and swearing. She’s not sheltered from everything, we are quite relaxed about what she eats/drinks and don’t have strict rules in place for anything other than that and those rock hard fruit lollipops - both for her safety.

She does behave like an entitled little witch - she really does. That’s my fault. As another poster said - Too much, too soon. That’s on me and her dad.

A point to add too - My husband told her this morning “I just can’t be arsed. I don’t know why you’re behaving like this and I can’t be arsed with the drama”

This is him to a tee - HE CAN’T BE ARSED. He puts no effort in with her, he is passive. He never loses his temper, unlike me, so that’s positive, but he is the other end of the spectrum where he clearly can’t be arsed parenting her.

She was such a daddy’s girl growing up, and he has always let her away with anything. From him, there’s no consequences.

That’s another thing i’ll have to address. It’s all a big mess and it’s all on me.

Also - not to make excuses but AF arrived this morning after 50 days. I truly think that explains my inability to stay calm last night. I struggle in the days leading up to AF.

It sounds as though your relationships with your parents and possibly your DH (I'm basing this on how he's 'parenting') haven't been as supportive and stable as they could have been. Subconsciously you might have viewed your DD as your first and only relationship that was settled, strong and where someone met your expectations. She held the line for you instead of vice versa. Now she is more difficult, you've lost that stability and it is unmooring you. You're grieving for that and trying to bring it back through force of will, temper and strength. It's gone. Adjust. Your DD is in a different life stage. She has different needs now. You need to work out how to tether yourself and her.

VillageCottageEmo · Today 08:27

“ScrollingLeaves · Today 08:24
I forgot to add that something bad may be happening in her life”

Something bad is happening, she’s got a controlling, abusive mother who sees fit to drag her through the house by her hair, scream at her, then cry and make it all DDs fault

Yes, of course, but she may be vulnerable in other ways too.

You are the key to turning this around. Your current response/ behaviour fuels the fire.
It is really very hard to stay calm and rational in the moment but you are the parent and the adult and it's up to you to stop things escalating. Of course you are human and it's difficult to not react to an inflammatory situation.... but you need to deal with these situations calmly -- and then vent elsewhere/ get the emotional support you need from someone else.
You both sound quite similar- intense emotions, disproportionate reactions, getting physical. I'm am NOT saying you're causing it but your response (and your husband's) are the key to determining where this goes.

My suggestion earlier, about hormone checks and blood tests for you, was based on the idea you could be peri-menopausal. It can cause anxiety, anger, frustration. Download the Balance app. Log your symptoms. See your GP.

“I just can’t be arsed. I don’t know why you’re behaving like this and I can’t be arsed with the drama”

Anyone reading your posts knows he can’t be ‘arsed’! So does your daughter and it’s not a good sort of father.to have.

@AndEverWhoKnew Oh, i’m not perimenopausal. Quite the opposite. PCOS. I’m on medication to induce ovulation and get things under control - Again; this won’t be helping.

I’m up to date with all hormone/Vit levels. I have them done regularly.

I was put in to temporary menopause last year for 6 months to control an endometrial thickness issue I have going on. I freely admit that all of this is awful timing with a teen and probably contributes to my occasional reactions - please remember, as stated, a lot of the time I ignore/walk away/pick my battles. Although I can’t say it seems to be working/helping!

So much work to do and it will get done as a priority.

Reading with interest to learn tips for dealing with teenagers, though mine are only toddlers.

I totally agree with PPs that in the restaurant she should have been taken home immediately. But genuine question - if she had refused to move, what should parents do? They can't physically drag a resisting teenager out of a building.

I'm also shocked that people are saying this is typical teenage behavior and not that bad. It sounds awful - "punch your face in"! My siblings and I would never have dreamed of saying that. I'm very close with my teenage nieces and nephews, and they didn't seem to go through this phase. Is this really typical behavior?

OP, pulling a child around by her hair is a violent assault, and really really unacceptable.
It seems to me that when things escalate you either have to remove yourself or your daughter from the situation and in particular you need to learn to be calmer, whatever it takes.

With the phone, why did you let her have it the whole time while you were away? Why not do what many other parents do and have set and limited screen time? You might hate phones but that's the world teens live in now and how they communicate, so letting her have one isn't in itself a bad thing, but there should be parameters (eg set times when she can use it).

I occasionally take her to the theatre, for dinner etc. She never particularly wants to be there but I do it anyway so she knows that I want to spend time with her and that she is so important to me

How does doing something you know she doesn't particularly want show that she's important to you? It comes across as the opposite - what would show that she's important to you is doing something she'd like to do! Or - as others have said - more clarity and consistency.

i’ve always, always, always had routine and boundaries. She thrived when she was younger with that style if parenting but now….. well, not so much. I do know it’s important to keep routine and boundaries going and maybe we’ve let that slip a bit.

So which is it? Always routine and boundaries, or letting it slip?

I don't think an open house is such a good idea in this case - maybe batten down the hatches a bit more and spend time as a family.

Where possible, I'd recommend having a fixed meal time, and you, your DH and DD making dinner one night a week - even your 4 year old could take a turn one night a week with you or your DD helping hm.

In general, it sounds like she's going through some turmoil - you can't control all of it but you can control your response to it. You need to step back from these volatile situations with her, enforce some basic rules around respect and screen time, have set communal meal-times and stop trying to force her to respond to all these treats as a sign of your love.

This post actually really resonates with me as the daughter of an emotionally unavailable mother, a workaholic father who died when I a child and a dh, who isn’t able to support me in some of the ways I need - I think anyone would struggle with the latter.

Dd is my only child and our relationship was so incredibly close when she was a baby and in primary up until about 10. It was bewildering as dd was pulling away and I have had to lean on therapists from time to time to allow dd to go on her journey. I have tried not to show it to her though as my needs are not her responsibility.

I am in no way a perfect parent though and I hope this situation and coming on here for help is a reset for you op.

OP, how is your own personal life at the moment? Your relationship with your dh and how do you feel about the work you are doing and your workload? there is a large age gap between your dc, that can also contribute to a tricky dynamic. Do you feel fulfilled in your life as your own person (your dd aside)? Do you have your own friends or just mum friends?

Better that than the OPs parenting that involves berating, swearing, physical intimidation, assault, taking everything of value, saying you hate her, you can’t stand her, then sobbing and doing the why are you making me do this to you/why are you so horrible routine, and then not only grounding her but confining her to her room.

All for what is typical challenging arsehole teen behaviour.

Will definitely respond in more detail soon but I’m incredibly sociable - lots of my own friends, a wide friendship group, I promise i’m not looking for a friend in DD. I also have a sister, lots of female cousins. We are very close. I definitely have company should I want it.

I do the meals out/theatre as a way of connecting 1 to 1. She begrudgingly says she will go, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to be there when we actually get there, so I realise now it’s pointless continuing this - I know it’s not fair to her and she doesn’t want that 1-1 time. This thread has been an eye opener.

DP - I don’t believe he supports me emotionally. He finds it difficult. I think in general he struggles to show love, although not with 4 year old.

I totally agree with PPs that in the restaurant she should have been taken home immediately. But genuine question - if she had refused to move, what should parents do? They can't physically drag a resisting teenager out of a building.

IKR?!

You can move a clicking toddler but not so much a nearly fully grown girl who is a martial arts expert. How do people convince a stroppy 13 or 14 year old to leave a place?

Parents hanging around the martial arts sessions sounds so suffocating for the poor teens, is this normal? Give your dd some air to breathe. OP, you have all the best intentions but with your attitude and your dh's uselessness, your dd will be hanging out on the Stately Home threads in a few years time. It's a classic 'middle class emotionally abusive family situation. Perhaps consider family therapy.

Kicking toddler, not clicking 😁

You are so quick to blame everything in your life for your vile temper, it's everyone's fault but yours.
Your dad, your mum, your DH, your period - take some responsibility for yourself and your actions.
A period, or anything else in fact, is not an excuse for assaulting your child. You are excusing your behaviour every chance you get, "I was pushed to my limits", "I was hormonal" - this is actually what abusers do, blame all their surroundings for their abusive behaviour.
You need to work on yourself and seek help, because the more you post, the more obvious where your daughter is learning her behaviour from.
Spending 1:1 time with them in forced activities isnt what she will remember as an adult, she will remember being violently assaulted by her mother.
Sort yourself out.

What do you think will happen if DD goes to school terrified and tells them what you did?
They will contact SS. Do you honestly think they will say "well yes she did push you and you had your period so it's totally fine" - they won't. You don't seem to understand what you've done, and your attempts to minimise it are terrifying.

@ladydimitrescu This is unfair. I’m absolutely owning this whole thing. I am not blaming everyone else at all. Some posters have asked
for further info on my own family dynamic
when young, plus my relationship with my husband- I’m in no way blaming any of them - but maybe my reactions are partly this way because I’m trying to give her what I deem I didn’t have. Not saying it’s ok, not saying it’s normal, i’m just explaining.

I do believe my period has played a part in me
snapping last night. I have some gyna issues there that i’m on meds for which have impacted my hormones - This has definitely played a part. Please don’t disregard everything else i’ve said and choose what suits your narrative (Not just you, lots of posters have done this)

I take everything on board, believe me. I understand I’m massively at fault and I will fix this. I am looking for help to change. I assure you wholeheartedly that i’m not transferring blame to everyone else.

@NewEnglandDeli - if you think that changing your own viewpoint, specifically to your own childhood experiences, do consider working on that. I've worked with people who thought they couldn't escape the damage done in their younger years but it is possible to 'reset' the subconscious responses you learned as a child.